Authors: Candy Harper
I put down my bag. ‘Don’t worry, last time I checked the shops had plenty of Marmite.’
She frowned. ‘Yes, but how long will it last? I mean where does it come from? And what happens when they’ve dug it all out?’
I snorted. ‘They don’t mine Marmite. They make it.’
‘What from?’
‘Er, yeast I think.’
‘And how much yeast have we got?’
‘Enough.’ But I could tell just from the look on her face that she was planning a secret underground Marmite store. If there is ever a global disaster, I’m heading to Lily’s for snacks.
Then Angharad arrived and I thought that things might take a more sane turn, but Angharad has got her own worries.
She showed us a file of the revision that she’s done this holiday.
‘The mocks aren’t for weeks,’ I said.
‘I know, but I’ve got a lot going on this term; I’m captain of the netball team and I’ve signed up to help Year Sevens who are struggling with their maths. So I need to be super organised.’
‘You’ll be fine, Ang,’ Lily said, drawing a diagram of some sort of bunker all over Ang’s notes.
Ang wrinkled her nose. ‘Am I worrying too much?’
I didn’t want her to start worrying about worrying so I changed the subject. ‘Did you see Elliot in the holidays?’
Elliot is just as hardworking (and tiny) as Angharad.
She smiled shyly. ‘A couple of times. We did some Physics revision together.’
Lily fanned herself. ‘Nothing hotter than Physics.’
‘It was quite exciting,’ Ang agreed.
I had to wait until English to get any really sensible conversation. Then Megs and I were able to have an in depth discussion on the best way to eat a cupcake without the icing going up your nose.
My mum is right: school really is quite thought provoking.
TUESDAY 24TH APRIL
Mum insisted that I help her feel less alone in her pointless existence by hanging out with her in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for dinner. Then she put on her serious face and said, ‘Faith, I’ve got something to tell you and I need you to not have a tantrum.’
‘You’re not going to wear those knee boots again, are you?’
She passed me a carrot. ‘No. Although there’s no reason why a woman of my age can’t wear boots.’
‘I can think of two reasons: your left leg and your right one.’
‘I’m trying to tell you something, Faith.’
My heart plummeted. ‘You’re not sending me to boarding school are you?’
‘No Faith, it’s—’
‘Are you sending Sam to boarding school? Because I’ve got to say that would be less of a tantrum situation and more of a skippy dance time.’
‘Why don’t you just listen and find out?’
‘Because you’ve just told me not to have a tantrum, so now I’m imagining all my worst fears coming true.’
Mum took a deep breath. ‘Next month, Granny is coming to stay with us.’
I nearly sliced my finger off. ‘Oh. Well. That’s not my worst fear.’
‘Good.’
‘That’s Armageddon.’
Mum shook her head. ‘Don’t exaggerate.’
‘Granny-geddon.’
‘That’s not a thing.’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘Let’s see what you say after she’s been here for a few days.’
Mum attacked some green beans. ‘I’m sure it will be fine.’
‘Where’s she going to sleep? I know she looks like a shrivelled old fruit bat, but I don’t think she actually hangs from the rafters at night.’
She gave me a sheepish look, which is usually a good indication that she has done something truly awful.
‘Not in my room?’
‘It’s bigger than Sam’s. You can sleep on the pull-out sofa in the dining room.’
Unbelievable. ‘Listen Mum, I don’t know why you’ve chosen to tell me that you’ve given my one place of refuge away to a grasping old woman, while I’ve got a sharp knife in my hand, but I suggest you start thinking about how to use that chopping board as a shield.’
She ignored that, but I noticed that she took a couple of steps backwards. ‘I’m sorry Faith, but in a family sometimes you have to make sacrifices.’
I gave a massive sigh and hacked more carrots to pieces in a quietly dignified fashion, which I think indicated that I have already made a great number of sacrifices for this family – like remaining in it.
‘It’s not going to be for long,’ Mum said. ‘A few weeks at most.’
‘That’s what she’s told you. She’s like a vampire; once you invite her in there’ll be no end to the blood and violence.’
She folded her arms. ‘You’re going to have to tone down the cutting remarks while she’s here.’
No bedroom and no insulting people. I may as well sign up to a convent. ‘Why is she coming anyway?’
‘Because she’s having her kitchen done and she doesn’t want to be there for all the drilling and paint fumes.’
‘What? She breathes out poison all the time! I can’t see what harm taking a bit in would do her.’
‘Faith!’
‘Oh, come on, there’s not much time left for her lungs anyway. She may as well take up cigar smoking and pearl diving and make the most of them.’
‘That’s not a nice way to talk. We all know you love your granny really.’
‘Yep. Really, as in really
really
deep down. Way down under several hundred feet of annoyance and irritation.’
‘You’d better start drilling then because I think we’re all going to need a lot of love when she arrives.’
LATER
I’m trying to put Granny’s imminent invasion out of my mind and focus on the present. It’s the first debating club tomorrow and I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to it or not. Ethan will be there and I’m afraid that I’m never going to be able to have a good chat with him again, because I’ll always be thinking about how things might have been different.
WEDNESDAY 25TH APRIL
I do feel really proud of debating club; it’s brilliant that something I started is doing so well. There were even more new recruits today. Of course, Icky was all over the Radcliffe boys. Not that I have a problem with that; obviously, the main reason we’re all there is to mix with boys – and to learn the vital life-skill of arguing. But I do think nabbing six boys all to yourself is just greedy. How she persuaded one of them to give her a shoulder-carry thirty seconds after meeting him, I have no idea.
I gave the fresh talent the once over myself, you know, in a friendly way. There were a couple of quite cool looking Year Elevens, but somehow my eyes kept going back to Ethan. At least I don’t have to watch him and Dawn being all hilarious and well suited. She goes to St Mildred’s on the other side of town.
Actually, it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it might be. Ethan came over and said, ‘Nice to see you ladies. I very nearly didn’t make it here, there were a lot of people vying for my company tonight.’
Megs said, ‘Oh yeah?’
I thought he was going to mention Spawn but he said, ‘Uh huh. My form tutor, the head, the police . . . all dying to have a chat with me.’
‘I think you’re mistaking popularity with their keenness to earn that reward that’s been put up for your capture,’ I said.
‘That would explain why people keep trying to bundle me into cars with blacked out windows.’
‘I think that’s just motorists who’ve taken an instant dislike to you.’
He grinned. ‘You excited about the new term then, Faith?’
I was starting to relax and enjoy myself. ‘Oh, yes. You know me, I live for my education.’
‘Goes on a bit though, doesn’t it? I mean I know some slow types need it ground into them, but you’d think they’d realise that smart people like me and you had pretty much got it covered by the end of Year Eight.’
I nodded. ‘Seems crazy that we’ve still got years to go. I was thinking about starting one of those tally charts like prisoners scrape on the walls of their cell. Only I thought maybe I’d just smash a school window for each day.’
‘That seems like an appropriate way to mark the time stolen from you. I might do a similar thing by letting down the tyres on a teacher’s car each day.’
‘Don’t talk to me about teachers’ cars.’
He cracked up. There was a bit of an unfortunate incident a while back involving Miss Ramsbottom’s car and one of my stupid ideas. Ethan sort of got me out of that one.
Then it was time to listen to the debate. On the whole I feel a bit better about Ethan. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy just chatting to him. Maybe we can still be friends.
THURSDAY 26TH APRIL
While I am enjoying all this being a good friend, I thought that maybe I should be broadening my horizons. Maybe I should be making new friends . . . in different countries. So I had a little chat with Mum tonight.
‘Remember when I was gracious enough to inform you that I had suffered a disappointment in my personal life that you weren’t allowed to ask me about, but which I also suggested meant I should get twice as much pudding as everyone else until further notice? And you were gracious enough not to spout a load of hippy ‘wisdom’ at me, but you did say that I shouldn’t dwell on it and that I should move on to the next challenge in my life?’
‘Mmm hmm.’ She wrinkled up her nose in a suspicious fashion.
‘Why are you wrinkling your nose in a suspicious fashion?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re talking.’ She pushed her straggly hippy hair out of her eyes. ‘And I’ve had conversations with you before. The way that they’ve ended has taught me to begin with suspicion otherwise I wind up being bamboozled into some ridiculous plan of yours.’
‘Charming.’
‘Wait a second, I’ll just activate my bamboozle barrier.’
And she pretended to erect some sort of force field. She’s so childish. I don’t know why the authorities let her keep me.
I folded my arms. ‘So you admit that you’re suspicious. That’s nice, isn’t it? When some mothers hear their child’s voice they start to well up with love and pride, but you just purse your wrinkly lips and expect the worst from me. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned to crime.’
I thought she was going to launch into some tutting and huffing, but instead she nodded. ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t tease when you’re trying to be serious. Just wipe those negative vibes away.’
And she actually mimed wiping off an invisible blackboard like some sort of geriatric CBeebies presenter. ‘Now, what did you want to say, sweetheart?’
‘I need a holiday.’
‘A holiday?’
‘I thought somewhere educational. Like New York or Ibiza.’
Her CBeebies grin faltered. ‘How are either of those locations educational?’
‘Travel broadens the mind. If I went to both then my mind would be pretty broad by the time I got back.’
She was a bit of a funny colour at this point so I said, ‘Actually, you look a little peaky, perhaps you should have a holiday too. Except, I know that you and Dad aren’t really money-making go-getters, so perhaps it would be more sensible if you went somewhere closer to home. Maybe you could stay with Aunt Joyce?’
She opened and shut her mouth. Which I could kind of understand because at Aunt Joyce’s house you’re not allowed to put anything down without a mat under it, and that includes your head. Seriously, all of her pillows have got crocheted doily things on. But I had given this some thought.
‘I’m suggesting Aunt Joyce’s because then you’d be near enough to keep an eye on Sam.’
‘Sam?’
I nodded. ‘You might be called to a meeting with his head teacher, or a court appearance or something. I mean, I know you haven’t bothered much with his upbringing so far, but if you’re really strict from now on maybe you can avoid having him butcher us all in our beds.’
She snorted.
‘Was that a snort of agreement? Or is your body protesting about your vegan lifestyle?’
She snorted again.
‘Are you laughing? I thought you wanted me to take more of an interest in Sam.’
She hiccupped in a very undignified fashion. ‘Oh Faith, is this really your way of asking for a holiday?’
‘I prefer to call it an educational trip of a lifetime.’
‘Nobody could accuse you of sucking up to get what you want like some teenagers. Although if you ever wanted to go down that route, you know there’s good behaviour, washing up, foot rubs . . .’
I shuddered.
‘I just want you to know that your father and I are very open to that sort of bribery. Your dad would probably accept cash too.’
‘Due to the fact that you’ve failed to provide me with a fortune to inherit I haven’t got a lot of money, but if you say yes I might think about some washing up. With the exception of Sam’s plates. I dread to think what you could catch from his spit.’
Mum didn’t say anything.
‘So you’ll think about it?’ I asked.
‘I find myself completely unable to think about anything other than what a cheeky madam you are.’
It seems that my parents are not prepared to help me experience world culture. They would rather my brain rotted in this stifling environment. We haven’t even got any paintings by famous artists and I clearly remember that the last time I tried to express myself through dance Dad got very shirty when I knocked over some horrible old ornament.
They’re lucky that I’m naturally extraordinary.
FRIDAY 27TH APRIL
This morning Angharad said to me, ‘Becky says they’re giving out the French exchange letters this afternoon. Do you want to go?’
Well. This just goes to prove that when I told my mother I don’t need to plan for the future because the universe recognises life’s winners and takes care of them, I WAS RIGHT. My lazy parents aren’t going to organise a holiday for me, but that’s okay because I will be going on the French exchange trip. In fact, the French department are much more likely to make a decent job of it, we all know they’ve got plenty of time to sort out flights and a luxury hotel for me because it’s not like teaching French takes much out of you, is it? In my lessons Madame Badeau mostly shouts ‘Asseyez-vous, Faith!’ and fans herself with a copy of Tricolore.
I beamed at Angharad. ‘I’m definitely going. It’ll be brilliant. And frankly, it’s about time that the French department started giving back. I haven’t forgotten that they still owe me an hour in bed from that time they made us come into school early to go to that ridiculous French breakfast where all we got was watered down Lidl cocoa and a sniff of a croissant. It’s nice to see that they’ve finally started taking my needs into consideration.’