Leaves of Revolution (19 page)

“I did. I left a note on James’ saddle where he’d see it before they came looking for me, so they wouldn’t worry I’d been taken or something.”

“You could have asked one of them to come with you. It would have been safer.”

Zander’s whole forehead scrunched in irritation. “Neither one of them would do anything like that without orders. They’d have gone straight to Nathaniel, and this whole thing would have blown up. He’s a prince, and – apparently – somewhere near the top of the Friends of Philip. They’d have followed anything he said.”

Alvin nodded silently.

“So are you going to give me the lecture about how I made all the wrong choices in this now, or can it wait until there are more people to join in?”

Alvin chuckled as he pulled his horse just in front of Ember and brought it to a stop, blocking Zander’s path. “Why do you think I would chastise you about your decisions here?”

“Why wouldn’t you? You’ve never been shy about commenting before.”

“I don’t think you’re being quite fair, Zander. I’ve let you know once or twice when you were making a choice that might make things difficult for you – but last we talked I told you how much I think you’ve grown.”

“And you still think that after what I’m doing now?”

“More so.” He smiled, absently pulling his long fingers through the horse’s mane. “I’d apologize for the appearance of lecturing today, except that I’m rather certain the fault there lay in your perception rather than my delivery. On my end, I was only enjoying hearing the details of your consciously making the best decision you could and then acting on it, even though it was difficult.”

This warm glow in his neck was different than the kind he was used to. He brushed at his collarbone with his fingertips. “I don’t know if it was the right decision, though. There’s a good chance this could lead to Quinn and Samuel…” He couldn’t finish the sentence the way he’d started it. “I might be putting everyone in danger.”

“It could,” Alvin agreed, dashing any secret hopes Zander might have had about getting reassurance from him. “You don’t have any control over the decisions other people make – but would that make what you’re doing wrong?”

“No. Quinn needs to know. They’re her men, this is her call. And those men deserve to have a queen who is actually informed about what’s going on in her kingdom. Some of them have already died for her. If Nathaniel and everyone else want the ‘rightful’ queen to fulfill their prophecy or whatever, then they need to accept it when they get her.
Nathaniel
is wrong.”

“He just loves her, Zander.”

For the first time ever, he met Alvin’s gaze straight-on, with no defiance or sarcasm. “Does that change the fact?”

“CAN I SPEAK TO Zander alone for a few minutes, please?”

His heart thudded in his throat and a slick feeling coated his palms as everyone followed Quinn’s request. Even William disappeared after lingering in the doorway for a moment before allowing Marcus to pull it tightly closed.

She was quiet for what felt like a very long time, studying him, her eyes a piercing shade of gray inside an expression that transformed her into someone he’d never seen before. A teasing quip bubbled on his tongue, but couldn’t come out.

“That was pretty dangerous,” she finally said. “You worried everyone. You could have gotten lost or something else could have happened. Did you even think about that?”

“I did think about worrying people. I left a note.”

“And the other part?”

His gaze fell to his feet; the leather of his boots no longer shouted untried and new. “I wasn’t really thinking about the danger to myself, no.”

She crossed her arms across her chest, quiet again for a moment before shaking her head. “Almost getting yourself killed once was enough, you know. You don’t have to put that endeavor on repeat.”

“I’m not suicidal, Quinn. I wasn’t trying to do anything dangerous. But my life is not worth more than those soldiers’.”

“Don’t I get to make
that
decision, too? How much your safety matters?” There was an edge to her voice that belied more than just the sarcasm over the reason he’d come.

“I think you have enough on your plate with the things you’re supposed to control,” he said, purposefully keeping his tone light to soften the mood.

“Especially since it’s starting to look like I haven’t even
seen
most of my plate.”

He didn’t know how to respond other than giving her a little nod of solidarity.

“Yeah, so anyway…” She chuckled under her breath.

“So how much trouble am I in, exactly? Should I hand over my sword now?”

Her entire forehead crinkled with the effort of her frown. “In trouble? For what? Being the only guard – the only person – to tell me what’s really going on? For taking charge in the best way you knew how and doing what you thought was right?”

“Sure. That too.” He sank into a chair as some of the tension he’d been feeling finally drained. At least he wasn’t going to be trapped in a house with everyone mad at him.

She watched him for a moment and then sat down on one of the couches herself, tucking her knees up under her chin – suddenly a completely different creature than the queen she’d been only moments ago. This girl was familiar.

After a few minutes of silence between them, she cleared her throat. “Do you know what Jonathan said to me the night we left the castle?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“He said it was an interesting time for me to start acting like a queen.”

Zander scoffed. “Let’s see… you left your world and your family, sacrificed your link to them, married into the family they wanted you to, had the baby they wanted you to have, moved away from the
other
family you’ve grown close to, lost a good friend… What more does Jonathan want, do you think?”

She buried her forehead in her knees. “I don’t know. Maybe he wants an actual queen – one who makes decisions and protects her kingdom against a foreign invasion.”

“That’s kind of hard to do when nobody will
let
you. They’re all so busy worrying about you and shuttling you around, and only telling you half of what’s going on…”

She looked up now, her eyes meeting his again. “Who
let
you come back from that camp to tell me what’s going on right now?”

His mouth opened to eject a quick retort, but he had to close it again when the right one eluded him.

“It is the same, Zan. In the ways that matter, it is the same. You’ve been here for, what, about three moons? And none of this was your choice, really – you had no idea what you were getting into, you haven’t had as much time to learn about things here, to even understand what’s going on… But yet, when it came time to make a decision, to take the lead and do the right thing, you just did it. Then there’s me – I have the crown and the castle, and I
chose
this. But I’m hiding behind other people, and making excuses instead of difficult decisions. Instead of leading.”

“It’s a lot more complicated for you, Quinn. I mostly only have to worry about you beheading me or something – and I’m probably safe on that account. You have to worry about what
everyone
thinks and wants. I don’t think you’re
hiding
behind those people or making excuses. I think they’re standing in front of you.”

“Maybe. But some of this could be simpler, don’t you think? Someone can only stand in front of you if you stay behind them. I mean, I love Nathaniel. He’s my only tie between all the different parts of my family – all the parts of
me
. But I am the queen. If he thinks it’s okay to withhold critical information about the kingdom… I’m not sure I’ve done my job. And if my own guards are following him instead of me… Somewhere in here, I am not leading them.”

He wanted to reassure her – tell her she was being too hard on herself, this was too much for a seventeen-year-old girl, but he couldn’t. There was too much truth in what she was saying. And even if it was more responsibility than he thought she should have, that didn’t matter. She needed someone in her corner who would push her, not make more excuses. Instead he asked, “What does William say about it?”

Her cheeks puckered like she was biting the insides of them as she contemplated him. “William is… He’s my husband, Zander. He’s the father of my son, and my best friend, and later today I will tell him every word of this, and he’ll tell me his thoughts about it.
But
I’m having this conversation with you for a reason.”

He propped his chin on his hands, his elbows on his knees, waiting for the rest.

“He’s a healer, you know. That is his passion, and what he thinks about, and what he gets so lost in sometimes, even I can’t find him. It’s who he
is.
And I love that about him, and I love listening to every detail – even the ones I don’t understand. Whenever I’m able, I help him think through things and try to give suggestions and offer solutions. I try to give him support and encourage him in what he believes he should do…”

She paused, her eyes flicking away from Zander’s and toward where her fingers were picking at an invisible speck on her pants. “But if he tried to talk to me about whether or not he should go and help out with an infectious plague – I could not be held responsible for giving him objective advice.”

“You mean if he thought you were in danger, he would stand in your way, too.” He purposefully phrased it as a statement, but the way her eyes crinkled made him wish he’d said it with less certainty.

“No. I wouldn’t stop him. If he told me that was what he needed to do, I would swallow back my terror, and tell him I was proud of him, and it would be true. But I’m very grateful he has people like Nathaniel and Jacob to help him make some of those decisions in the first place.”

The full weight of what she was telling him hit slowly, like a slow tide rather than a freight train, but the impact was still the same.

They’d carefully avoided venturing anywhere close to this territory ever since he’d come here, but right now seemed like an appropriate time to broach it, at least a little. “
I’d
have stopped you.”

She nodded, though there was no judgment or anger in the motion, just calm acceptance. “And yet, somehow you’re now the person I can trust to push me to do what I need to do.”

“I still don’t want to see you get yourself killed.”

Untucking herself, she set her feet on the floor and sat up straight; the transformation was small, gradual, but visible. The girl he’d known in Bristlecone still existed – she hadn’t been erased, but reshaped. Her next words, sensitive as they might be, were spoken with quiet assurance, rather than doubt.

“I know I hurt you, Zander. If things had been different … you and I would have been so different, too. As sorry as I am for how I made you feel, though – and as much as I wish this whole situation wasn’t as hard for you as it is – I have to tell you that I’m glad you’re here. Not just that it’s good we’re getting along since we’re stuck together, but really and truly glad that even in all of this, I have your friendship. I don’t deserve it probably, but I’m glad I didn’t lose you.”

He sighed. “You know, when I first came here and found out about … everything … I wasn’t sure I could ever not be angry at you again.”

“I know.”

“Oh, let me finish before you keep beating yourself up over it, will you?”

“Fine.” Her grudging acquiescence made him smile.

“What I was
going
to say, is that I’m
not
angry anymore, Quinn. I’m not even hurt anymore … most of the time, anyway. I like that you have William and Samuel. I’m
jealous
a lot, though mostly because I wish I had what you guys have with someone. But more than any of that… I’m really glad I still have you. And if what we have together turns out instead to be a really great friendship where we can support each other, and push each other, and say the hard stuff… I think in the end that will be something better than what we might have had back in Bristlecone.”

He’d never articulated those thoughts before – not even to himself – but he knew what he was saying was true. This was different than having Quinn as his girlfriend, but it wasn’t worse, and with a little more time, he could see that it could even be better.

She didn’t answer out loud, but she extended her hand across the table to him, and he stretched his out, too, so he could squeeze hers gently.

“However,” he said, standing now and walking toward the window. “If we’re going to get to enjoy this friendship, we have to figure out how to save your kingdom.”

She stood, too, placing her hands on the back of the couch, her eyebrows tightening in concentration. “You’re right. So… these soldiers are camping in the woods, some of them are injured, and they don’t have enough supplies?”

“Yes.”

“And Nathaniel thinks it’s too dangerous for me to reveal my location by getting involved.”

He nodded. “Nathaniel thinks so.”

“What do
you
think?”

Zander bit the side of his thumb – the persistent hangnail there was
never
going to heal. “I think he’s right that it’s dangerous for you. Even if – and that’s a big
if
– every single one of those soldiers is trustworthy and there are no spies among them, word will spread quickly that you and Samuel are alive and in the kingdom.”

 “But?”

“
But
they’re your men. They’ve been out there fighting a battle at the castle you ran away from. They’ve already lost friends in the fight, and some of them are injured enough that cold and hunger like this… well, it’s not good.”

She inhaled deeply and blew the breath back out slowly. “Okay. I don’t have any idea what I have to offer them, but let’s start with help. I’ll talk to Tobias and Will and Marcus.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“I have no idea right this second, except brace yourself.”

“For total chaos?” he asked, grinning because humor seemed easier than overwhelming dread.

“Well, that … and for the fallout that will surely come when I have to recognize you for your actions today.”

“What else can you do to me?” he groaned. “You’ve already given a brand-new guard a medal and a freaking
title.
”

“Oh… I have more where those came from.”