Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (31 page)

“And?”

“Nothing.” I couldn’t believe that I’d just admitted that out loud.

Jaron paused and let out a breath. “Sometimes we just need to lean on each other.”

“It’s all I’m doing.”

“No. It’s not all you’re doing. It’s the one thing you’re
not
doing. Tell Brian. Let him pray with you. You’re married. He’s a good guy. He can carry this part of you for a while.”

“Andy was carrying that hopeful, happy part of me.” I realized it as I said the words.

“And now she’s gone,” he said quietly.

I nodded.

“So, now it’s time that you turn that back to your husband. Let
him
carry that part of you again.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. I turned my head back toward the ceiling and cl
osed my eyes, wandering
back to the sam
e thought I’d had over and over.

I just wanted to sleep for the whole rest of the process. Just sleep until it was all over. The next few days I did my best to do just that.

-
- -

Sunday before treatment day again, Brian set me up outside on my hammock. After I’d gotten comfortable, I heard someone come up the porch steps. I opened my eyes.

“Josie.” I turned my head toward her.
Too many people, too much monotonous routine.

She stopped at the top of the steps and quickly tried to regroup. She looked at her feet for a moment before looking at me again.

“Hey, Leigh.”

“You can come sit.” My voice was quiet and still sounded awful. She walked over and sat down, setting her hands in her lap. Hey eyes darted from me to our surroundings on the porch.

“We’re up here to visit our parents for spring break,” she explained.

“And how’s married li
fe?” I asked. I tried to smile.
When I’d been married as long as her, I’d just come out of surgery.

Her face spread into a smile. “It’s great.”

“Good.”

“Leigh… I didn’t expect you to look so…”

“Sick?” I offered.

She bit her lower lip.

“I just lost a good friend, Josie.” It hurt to say the words out loud. I pushed hard for my chest to go back to feeling tired and heavy. It was better than sad.

She nodded, still thinking. “Are you dying, Leigh? Am I allowed to ask that?”

“I don’t know,” I answered. I thought saying those words out loud would bother me, but they didn’t. I simply didn’t care. Caring exhausted me.

Josie nodded and took in a deep breath. She
leaned over me and gave me a long hug. I expected
to feel love or sadness or something. I felt nothing, only the weight I’d been carrying for a while.

“I should go,” she said. “Brian warned me that you’re really tired.”

“Good seeing you.”

She smiled at me again and walked off the porch. Well that was it. I wanted no more visitors. It was too hard. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the relief of being alone.

“How’s Josie?” I heard Brian’s voice as he opened the door to come outside.

So much for alone.

“Good,” I answered. I didn’t open my eyes.

“I brought you a shake,” Brian said.

“I’ll try.” I reached out and took it from him. He’d gotten smarter, making me small ones now. I’d never been able to drink a whole big cup full.

Brian looked
at me with that horrible look—
the one where he tried to hide his sadness but totally failed. He sat next to me and took my hand in his.

He wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep.

“I love you, Leigh. Can you give me something to do? Is there something we could do together?”

I was confused. He was already working so hard.

He started again, “I just hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do to make you more comfortable or happy…”

“You take care of
everything.” I stared.
“
Everything
.” It was an admission of the horrible
nothing
that I was doing.

He squeezed my hand gently, looking for something else.

I didn’t have the energy to figure out what it was.

“Okay.” He got up and walked slowly back into the house. He looked as heavy as I felt.

I felt a small pang in my chest as the door cl
osed between us. If
I internalized that, that small gesture, I would have a lot more to think about.

So I didn’t.

TWENTY-SEVEN

Ten of Twelve

Heavy

“Hello again, Leigh.” Tory smiled. “Back for more are we?” she teased.

She stood there and looked at me for a moment, waiting for me to say something. I didn’t.

“No pithy comebacks today, huh?”

“I’m trying to be cooperative.” I managed a weak smile.

“Hmm… we’ll see.” She raised an eyebrow at me as if she didn’t believe me. “I’ll come and check on you later.” She walked out of the room.

Brian still hadn’t sat down. He stood at
the foot of the bed, watching
.

“Leigh. What’s going on? This is killing me,” Brian pleaded.

“I’m being cooperative.” I rolled my head to look at him.

“No you’re not! You’ve just given up! You’re
never
totally cooperative! It’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you! You have to have the last word and you only cooperate to the point you have to. Now, you’re just
sitting
here!”

“It’s exhausting, Brian, fighting so hard all the time. I just thought I was being good.”

“No you didn’t!” He threw his book across the room. He stopped for a minute then and looked down at the floor, trying to regroup. “You’re not doing anybody any good right now! Least of all yourself! I know what it’s like to lose people you care about. I don’t pretend to completely understand what Andy’s death meant to you, but I’ve lost friends too, Leigh.

“
Gabe, from Texas, he was the best shot we had. He died next to me. Louis, a man with three kids at home and a wife he worshipped. Michaels, a raving lunatic who made us all laugh when we thought we’d go crazy if we had to spend one more night fighting in Iraq. Ian who thought he knew everything about everything…”

“Stop.” I couldn’t take it anymore.
Each name pounded into me like I’d lost Andy all over again.

He walked
next to my bed. “Please, Leigh. F
ight a little bit.”

“What if we just don’t have a say, Brian? What if nothing we do changes things and you have to add me to that list?”

“Don’t do this.” He took my hand in his. “We have a say as long as
we keep working together.
Andy had an inop
erable tumor on her spinal cord.
You’re going to be fine.”

“It doesn’t feel like it,” I said quietly and then shut my eyes
, and hoped
I felt terrible enough to go to sleep.

“Leigh…” H
e wasn’t finished.

“I’m tired, Bri.” Really, it was so much easier being alone. The world around me faded and blurred and time passed more quickly.

He stood there unmoving for a minute or two. “Okay,” he whispered. His hand slowly let go of mine and I heard the scrape of the chair on the floor as he sat down. I could feel the sadness and disappointment coming off of him in waves to torture me.

I closed my eyes and tried to block i
t all out. The needle in my arm. Brian in the corner. T
he weight pulling and pushing my body from all angles, hoping I could just slip away and disappear . . .

“Mrs. Wright.” I heard Dr. Watts voice.

“Yes, amazingly enough I’m still here.” I opene
d my eyes
.

“You and I need to talk,” he said sitting down.

“Hey Bri? Could you excuse us?” I asked.

“Nope. Brian stays here,” Dr. Watts said.

“But—
”

“Brian stays here.” It was final.

I slumped down.

“Have you come to give me a pep talk and tell me how I’m so, so close to being done and how everything will all just be perfect and happy?” I used the best sarcastic voice I could find with my raspy throat.

“Well, we are just a happy ray of sunshine today aren’t we?” He smiled.

I really hated how the things I said just rolled off of him like that. I didn’t respond.

“Well, since I haven’t heard from you, I’m going to assume you’ve done nothing along the lines of what I asked you to do on the phone.”

Brian froze.

“Yeah, well…” I started to exp
lain that I didn’t want to talk
to anybody, but he didn’t let me finish.

“I’m prescribing you anti-depressants and you
will
take them.” He looked at me, and then he looked back at Brian. He wanted to make sure we all knew what he wanted done.

“Fine. Whatever you want. Hand me one now if you’ve got one on you.” I held my hand out.

Dr. Watts stopped for a minute, not sure what to say. “I hate seeing you like this, Leigh. It doesn’t suit you.  Please spend some time thinking about what we’re doing here.”

“It’s all I do. My body won’t let me do anything else.” I looked up at him then and he nodded once. He handed a slip of paper to Brian, and left the room.

“What did he ask you to do when he called, Leigh?” Brian sounded tired and frustrated.