Authors: Belva Plain
“She said you were a wonderful father, as if you were my real father, ‘instead of,’ she said, but she didn’t finish because Mr. Sandler didn’t let her.”
“I see.”
He wasn’t smiling anymore. She looked from him to Mom, whose face had gone red, as if she had smeared it all over with rouge. Why did neither of them say right out that Mrs. Sandler was an idiot or a liar?
And then Mom did say it, or almost. “Annie Sandler often doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She can say the most ridiculous things.”
Eve got out of her chair. It felt awful, sitting there between them. It felt like stretching a rubber band, knowing that it’s bound to snap if you keep on, but keeping on anyway until it does snap and stab you. She stood up, clenching her fists at her sides.
“You’re not answering me. You’re not telling me anything. I think I’m adopted, and you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”
Now they were looking at each other as if they were asking: What shall we do? So that’s it, Eve thought. They adopted me because they weren’t able to have a baby of their own. Some women can’t. Yes.
But then, why do strangers always exclaim when we’re introduced:
My! Anybody can see that you two are mother and daughter!
And what about the times we stand together at a mirror and laugh at how alike
we are? Lore’s known Mom since Mom was a baby, and she says—No. Not adopted. I’ve got to be Mom’s child.
“If you won’t tell me what Mrs. Sandler meant, I’m going to phone her at the motel right now and ask her.”
“Don’t do that!” Mom screamed. “You can’t do that.”
“But you won’t answer me. Daddy, are you my father?”
He seemed so sad, the way he looked at her. And he sounded sad, too, even though what he answered wasn’t sad at all.
“I’ve been your father since you were born, Eve. I built your cradle for you.”
Oh, there is something they don’t want to say. They can’t fool me. And Mom is trying not to cry. The red has gone from her face. It looks terrible
.
And Eve persisted, “What did she mean when she said, ‘instead of’?”
She waited. Daddy was looking toward Mom. And suddenly, in that same low, sad voice, he said, “Caroline, the truth has to be told. If we don’t do it, Eve will never again believe anything we say.”
Mom stared at him. She was really crying now, sobbing. “For God’s sake, what are you doing, Joel?”
“Do you think I want to do it? But it has to be done.”
Eve’s legs were shaking. Her heart was running
again as it had run before when she thought it might stop.
“Take hold of yourself, Caroline. It’s our fault. We should have brought the whole thing into the light from the very start.”
“You don’t know what you’re doing! Why? Why?”
They were talking over her head, as if she wasn’t there. The clock was ticking, the cat was sleeping on the window ledge, and her heart was going to stop and kill her.
“I do know, Caroline. This was bound to come out.”
“From across the ocean? How?”
“Well, you see that it has.”
“You’ll destroy everything.”
“No. We’ll destroy everything if we don’t do it.”
“I beg you, Joel.”
Daddy took his handkerchief and wiped Mom’s wet face. She was scared, and he was almost crying himself.
“Go upstairs,” he told Mom. “Let me talk to Eve alone. It’ll be easier for you that way.”
“No,” Mom said. “I’ll stay. Get it over with. Go ahead. You’ve gone this far, too far already, so get it over with.”
“Listen to me, Eve,” Daddy began. “You can make a long, long story out of almost anything if you want to, or you can just tell the simple truth, which is all that matters. There was a man in Europe whom
your mother thought she loved. They were going to be married. She was very young, and she made a mistake. She didn’t know then that he was not a good man. He went away. So she came here to America without him, knowing that a baby—you—were going to be born. Do you understand so far?”
“Yes.”
Of course. Don’t you think I know anything? I think about things like that a lot. It’s really sort of nasty when you do think about it, the way they make babies when they’re in bed. Still, it’s the only way to make a baby, and only married people are supposed to do it. I suppose Daddy and Mom do it, although they haven’t had another baby. But now I see. She did it with somebody else, not with him, so that’s why he’s really not my father.
“Then Mrs. Sandler was right, and you’re not my father?”
“Well, in a way not, but in the only way that counts, I am. Because I love you, Eve. That’s what it is to be a father, to love and care.”
Mom had turned around with her face hidden in her arms. I don’t feel sorry for her. She did this to me. It’s her fault, Eve thought, and whispered, “Who was he? What was his name? Why did he go away?”
“You might as well tell her,” Mom whispered without looking up. “Since she knows this much, she might as well know it all.”
Daddy began to cough. It was a make-believe cough. He was forcing it. Then he drank some cold
coffee, made a bitter face, and said, “His name was Walter. That’s all I know or want to know. Perhaps sometime Mom will give you more information if she wants to.”
“You said he wasn’t a good man. What did he do?”
“He was a Nazi.”
“A Nazi who killed people in the camps?”
“How can I say whether he personally killed anyone, Eve? It’s best not to think about it. He was one of them, and that’s enough.”
It seemed to Eve that she had never been as angry. The walls were going slowly around and around. She stood up, stood over her mother, and shouted, “You gave me a bad man for a father. How could you do that to me?”
Mom’s face was still terrible, and she didn’t answer.
“Don’t say that, Eve,” Daddy said. “That’s not fair. It’s cruel.”
“She wasn’t even married, and she did that. She always says it’s wrong, everybody says so, and she did it herself.”
“People make mistakes. You’ll make plenty in your life, too, although I hope not that one. So don’t blame your mother. There’s no better mother in the world.”
“But a Nazi … Maybe he even killed her own father and mother, or yours, Daddy.”
“Not likely.”
“You said she loved him.” The anger, the terror in Eve were making her want to smash the dishes and tear down the curtains. “Did she love you, too, when you got married?”
“Yes, of course she did. People are supposed to love each other when they get married.”
“So why didn’t she marry him?”
“I told you, he went away. It was all a mistake from the start. Mom can tell you more when she’s ready, but she isn’t ready now. Wait, Eve. Please give her a chance.”
“I don’t care. I need to know everything right now, this minute.”
“Listen, Eve. This is terrible for her, too. She’s exhausted.”
Daddy was frightened. Perhaps this was very hard for him, too.
“I’ll tell you what, Eve. Let’s let your mother rest. Look at her. I’ll go up to your room with you, we’ll sit and we’ll talk some more. Let Mom alone now.”
He took her elbow, propelling her to the door. At the top of the stairs he bent to kiss her cheek, but she didn’t want him to. He wasn’t her father. He had lied to her, pretending to be her father. And suddenly she hated him. She hated the man named Walter, who went around killing people and was supposed to be her father. Most of all, she hated Mom, who had done those things with a strange man, a horrible, evil, Nazi monster. And now because of Mom, this monster was her father. Somewhere, he was alive.
What if he should ever come looking for her? She would kill him. Yes, she thought, I would. She would spend her life wanting to kill him. Mom had spoiled her life. Yes, it was spoiled. She wasn’t herself. She had turned into somebody else, not Joel’s daughter. She didn’t even belong in this house anymore. If only there were some other place she could go. But there was nobody to go to, except maybe Vicky, and that mean old Gertrude wouldn’t want her, anyway.
Hating the world, Eve went to her room and slammed the door shut in Daddy’s face.
I
T
was after midnight when Lore arrived home to find Joel and Caroline still awake downstairs.
“You look as if you’ve been struck by lightning,” she cried when she had heard the tale of events.
“We were struck,” Joel said. “I don’t think either of us could pick up a kitten right now.”
Caroline lay back on the sofa. From the open door to the dining room, she was seeing what was left of the day, the flowers and the cherished crystal still on the table, waiting to be replaced in the cupboard. A few hours ago the crystal, her first extravagance since they had been in this place, had been important to her. Foolish, foolish!
Now her child lay upstairs with God only knows what terrible lonely thoughts in her poor, frenzied little head. The steady progress of time and friendly habit, working and doing together with Joel, had
built a strong affection; the past had almost faded; they never spoke of it; there was no need. Now here it was, alive and back again, sorrowful and ugly.
Lore observed, “Poor Annie never had any tact. Big heart, big mouth, and not too bright. Remember?”
“To tell the truth, I don’t,” Caroline replied, “but I’m not thinking very clearly.”
“No wonder they scurried away when they brought Eve back,” Joel said. “They didn’t even wait to see her in at the front door. They realized what they had done.”
“I’ll talk to her tomorrow,” Lore said. “I’m sure I can help some. She’s had a terrible shock, and it will take a lot of explaining, that’s all.”
Through the years, Lore had always been an encouragement to fortitude and optimism. When your spirits fell, it was Lore who lifted them. Had she not done so again and again for Mama all during those darkest hours before the war? But this was different.
Disconsolate, Joel stood at the window. People in trouble always seemed unconsciously to go to a window, as if a solution somehow lay out there in the world beyond. This window, though, being open, admitted only the aroma and the sibilant rustle of warm leafage. He stood unmoving, with his hands behind his back.
People are supposed to love each other when they get married
.
Suddenly, he turned around. “I’m going to write
and let those people know what they’ve done, what Annie did, with her meddling in other folks’ business. She’s not going to get away with a clear conscience. Dammit, she’s not.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” advised Lore. “You’ll upset yourself for nothing. She’ll probably answer that she assumed Eve knew. Best let it rest and take care of Eve.”
“Yes, Joel, she’s right. And you were right, too,” Caroline murmured. “We should have told Eve from the start. I can’t explain why we didn’t.”
“Certainly you can. You’ve forgotten the reason. You didn’t want the neighbors to know. We were ashamed.”
He had spoken the bitter truth. But it hadn’t been only on account of the neighbors. Why should a child be given an unnecessary burden? Life was hard enough without one. That, too, was the bitter truth.
“After all the good years, now, at twelve, she has turned her rage against me. Didn’t you see that, Joel? Against me, instead of—of
him.
”
“She doesn’t know him to rage at,” Joel said.
“The longer she thinks about this, the more she will hate me.”
“I will not let her,” Joel said firmly. “Lore, when you talk to Eve tomorrow, don’t let her blame her mother. You’ll know what to say. Now let’s go upstairs. It’s one o’clock. Come, darling. This thing can’t be allowed to destroy us.”
Lore agreed. “Absolutely not. Get some sleep.
We’ve had some big trouble here, that’s sure. But the sky hasn’t fallen.”
T
HE
next day, however, it seemed that the sky had not only fallen, but crashed. By eight o’clock Eve was still in her room with the door locked. Gentle knocks and calls and persuasions had no result but defiance.
“I’m not coming out. I’m not going to school anymore. You can’t make me.”
“Eve, don’t do this to yourself,” Joel said. “Please listen to us.”
“Why should I listen to you? You’re not my father.”
“Oh, God,” Caroline groaned, meeting Joel’s sad eyes. He, the innocent, should not have to suffer these wounds.
“He is your father if anyone is. You know better than that. Don’t hurt him like this, Eve. Come out. Let me talk to you.”
“No. You’re not my mother, either. I don’t want you, not after what you did.”
These last words ended in a sob. And, helplessly, the pair stood in the hall at the locked door.
“What’s going on?” asked Lore.
“She won’t come out or let us in. Will you try? Maybe she’ll speak to you.”
“All right. You two go down first. Eve, don’t be a baby. We need to talk sense. We always do, you and I, don’t we? Let me in.”
In the kitchen, in the same places where they had sat the night before when peace had exploded, they took their seats. All was quiet upstairs, so Lore had evidently been admitted and was at work with Eve.
By its appearance, it was an ordinary morning in early fall. Amber light fell over the linoleum, a few early dropping leaves swirled past the window, and the cat, having jumped down from the ledge where she often passed the night, lapped at her bowl of milk in the corner. All was as usual except for the sore lump in Caroline’s throat, strained by the effort to control herself.
“You didn’t expect anything like this when you wanted to marry me,” she said abruptly.
“You didn’t expect, either, when you met that—that man—what resulted.” Joel got up and stroked her bowed head. “I wish I could stay home with you today. But I have to go to work. Wholesale orders for the three places go out this morning.”
She nodded. She was still sitting there when Lore reported that Eve was getting dressed.
“She refuses to go to school. She says she’s ashamed. It seems, poor little soul, that she phoned her best friend, Jill, early this morning to give her the news. And Jill laughed. She thought it was funny.”
“It’s a truism, isn’t it? Children are cruel.”
“Adults are, too. You’ll find that out, I’m afraid, when the news spreads, which it will. I wish to heaven she hadn’t told her friend.”