Authors: Michelle Lynn
Rob shuttles us over to the bar through the throngs of people.
By the time we get there, Rob is the only one who can get the bartender’s attention. After he gives the cute brunette our orders, he points out a circular table top that’s open in the far corner. Trey stays behind with Rob while the rest of us make our way to the now vacant table.
It’s funny how catchy the music still is to me. My body feels like it could start moving at any moment, but I stay still in my seat. Dex, aka “Hulk”, pulls out the stool for me and I sit down next to Sadie. We all silently check out our surroundings, which for the guys in our group means gawking at all of the barely-dressed girls who are rubbing their asses into guys’ crotches.
“Let’s go dance,” Rob whispers in my ear.
“I’d rather not,” I say and he takes my hand and pulls me from the chair.
“Do it anyway, it’ll be fun,” he tells me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
He winds me through the groups of people to the large dance floor by the DJ booth. Things between us have continued to be strained and forced recently.
I know I haven’t been giving Rob my full attention because I can’t seem to stop these feelings for Grant, even though he has kept his distance from me like he said he would. Even in class he doesn’t sit next to me, but remains a few rows back. As much as I wish things were different, they’re not. Grant has set goals for himself and things he wants to achieve. If my past was to ever come out, it would kill those chances and I won’t do that to him.
By the time we get to the dance floor, we are packed in like sardines, barely able to move, let alone dance.
Rob places his hands on my hips and tugs me to him while placing his leg between mine. This whole dirty dancing thing is throwing me for a loop. What exactly are we doing here and dancing like this? I stare up at him with confusion and he gives me a cat-that-ate-the-canary look before pointing to the corner.
I stop dancing and turn my body around but Rob grabs me again and brings me against his crotch.
Trying to search where he was looking, my eyes scan the crowd but I don’t see anything except a sea of drunken people making out with each other.
“Right there, Jessa,” he whispers in my ear and I follow his finger. My stomach drops when my eyes find Grant pressing some girl against the wall. He has her cornered while his lips devours her neck and his hands hike up her dress.
“Wish it was you?” he whispers and chills travel up my back. I automatically attempt to step away from Rob, but he pulls me back. “Not the angel you thought he was, huh?” he laughs. He twists me around to face him and although he’s laughing his comment off, I can’t help but feel like he means it. Panic arises as I wonder if Rob has seen something. God, did he see that kiss on New Year’s?
Rob keeps me wrapped in his arms when a slow song starts, but I can’t get my mind to erase what I just saw.
As Rob’s breath tickles my neck while he sways me back and forth, I desperately want to see what Grant’s doing. I knew he wasn’t a monk, but I didn’t think he was the kind of guy who fucked a girl up against a wall in the middle of a club either. After the song ends, I tell Rob that I need to go to the bathroom. He places his hands on either side of my face and starts to kiss me. Thrusting his tongue into my mouth, he doesn’t let up. It starts to feel possessive, as though he’s trying to prove to everyone I’m his. Eventually I push him away and he laughs while I stalk off.
Standing on my tip-toes, I search for the bathrooms. I notice a long, dark hallway and assume that they must be down there.
Side-stepping and gently nudging people out of my way, I finally reach the hallway, but none of the doors are marked. I attempt to push one open but it’s locked. Assuming it’s a storage locker or something, I make my way down to the next door, surprised to find that it’s open. I spot a few stalls and since there isn’t a urinal in sight, I figure it must be the girls’ bathroom.
It’s unusually clean and I’m wondering why there isn’t a line outside.
Every bar and club I’ve ever been to has always had a long line of girls waiting to use the bathroom. Hey, I’m not complaining though. Opening a stall door, I hover over the toilet to do my business when I hear some giggling. Peering under the stall, I find two sets of shoes near the sink. Then I see the heels disappear, and it’s obvious that she’s been placed on the sink countertop. As I laugh to myself, I open the door, thinking I’ll just apologize for interrupting and then make my way out.
I unlock and open the door to see that the girl’s shirt is opened, revealing her pink lace bra. Her shirt is hiked up by her waist and she’s fiddling with the guy’s pants. I quietly excuse myself, although they don’t say anything.
I assume they are too wrapped up in one another to notice me.
My hand is on the door handle, ready to pull it open, when the girl says, “God Grant, take me.” Without even thinking, my head turns and his blues meet my hazel. My throat feels like it’s closing in on me, and I think I could be hyperventilating. He pushes back from the girl and she glances my way but doesn’t try to conceal herself. In what seems like an hour but in reality is probably only a minute, I catch an emptiness in his eyes. Almost as if it isn’t him standing there, like some alien has taken over his body. His hands move to start zipping up his pants, but I can’t
stick around. I pull the door open hard and then leave. Before I can get to the end of the hallway, a stocky man approaches me.
“You aren’t supposed to be back here,” he tells me, but at this point I could care less.
I wave him off but he’s still lecturing me on and the fact that these bathrooms are only for employees.
“Jessa…wait,” Grant shouts out to me.
I don’t turn around, continuing to ignore him. It’s not like I have a reason to be upset since he’s not mine. “Please,” he says and his hand is on my arm, but all I can think of is that those fingers were probably inside of that hussy. I snap my arm back and he appears offended by my action. “It’s not what it looked like,” he says with clear desperation in his voice. The way he sounds, as if he’s trying to get me to understand, makes me have to remind myself again that he’s not mine.
“Grant, you’re single. You can do what you want,” I say, my eyes searching around the club, trying to find a way to get out of here.
“Please…just listen to me,” he begs, and I can’t ignore the sadness in his eyes. “I usually don’t do things like that,” he points toward the door and sways a little, the first sign I’ve seen that he has had too much to drink.
“Again, it’s fine, Grant,” I try to reassure him, even if I’ll never get that vision out of my head.
“No it’s not, Jessa. I haven’t been with anyone for months, I swear-“
“Grant, seriously. Stop it. It doesn’t matter,” I say, placing my hand in front of his face.
“Yes it does,” he says, his voice starting to slur a little.
“Are you drunk?” I ask.
“Maybe a little bit,” he says with a smirk, holding up his fingers with a small space in between. I can’t help my lips turning up; I’ve never seen Grant drunk before.
“Just go back,” I signal toward the door, where the girl now leans against it, waiting for him.
“I don’t want to,” he says. “God, what you’ve done to me. I can’t even screw another girl anymore. I can’t sleep without you invading my dreams. I can’t get those lips out of my mind.” He brushes his thumb across my lips, slowly moving it up and down. I’m still as a tree trunk, mesmerized by his words. “It was you with me in that bathroom. They were your lips I kissed, because if I close my eyes tight enough, I can still taste you.” The girl huffs off at his admission. My body shudders with goose bumps. “I would do anything to have you, but I have to get you out of my head because you want someone else.”
“Grant,” I sigh, but before I can say anything, he holds his finger to my lips.
“No Jessa, you’re not mine. But I’m sorry you had to see that in there.” He leans in and places his hands on either side of my face, kisses my forehead, and then disappears into the crowd. I’ve never wanted to be someone else’s so badly in my life.
Grant
The sun beats into the room, and I scrunch my eyes before tossing a pillow over my head.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t awake at the crack of dawn. Feeling around my bed with my arm, I make sure I didn’t bring anyone home last night. After Jessa finding me in that bathroom, I let everyone and anyone buy me shots. Let’s say the ‘brothers’ knew something was up and were more than willing to be active participants. Vaguely, I remember some red head grinding against me at some point in the evening but pushed her toward another buddy unable to want anyone but Jessa.
Shit, what the fuck has happened to me? I don’t want this, I don’t want a fucking relationship. Maybe if I just screwed her, I’d be okay and this fucking want would end.
Hell no, I shake my head, knowing that’s not what I want with her. For the first in a long time, I want more. More than just a quick fuck in some bathroom or closet. I would do anything to have her naked allowing me to explore every inch of her body and then wake up and do it all over again.
I sit up and swing my legs over my bed, sitting for a minute, trying to let my head catch up to my body. Slowly standing, I will the alcohol to get out of my body fast. I reach into my mini fridge and grab a water bottle, downing half of it in one swig. I need to push her out, but every time I think I do, she burst through my wall like an eighteen wheeler.
Thank God, it’s Friday. However, the one problem with today is that I have to see Jessa and after my embarrassment last night, I can’t bear the thought of facing her. I open the doors to our lecture hall and I’m surprised to find her sitting next to my usual seat. She glances over and my heart thumps in my chest, wondering why she’s there. After the first day, I’ve kept my distance from her. I can only imagine she’s going to tell me she’s done with this whole game we’ve been playing.
I know I’d be if I had seen her in the compromising position she saw me in last night.
“Hey,” I say, not taking my seat, so I can flee if I need to. There’s no way I can without hearing what she has to say first.
“Hey,” her soft voice replies. Her eyes peer to the seat and then back to me so I sit down. “So-“
“I’m sorry Jessa.
Truce?” I blurt it out before she can say anything, wanting to get this over with. At this point, I’d be happy with just her friendship.
“Grant, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Her eyes dart between the floor and me. “I’m the one who’s sorry.
It just…” she stops, and I know something is holding her back from us. I can’t fault her, I don’t know if I can handle this either. “There are things about me,” she voices a soft whisper.
I hold my hand up in the air, “It’s fine, really.
I get it.” Her eyes fall and a breath releases from her body. It’s hard to know if she’s relieved at my understanding, or frustrated to my constant interruptions.
“That’s just it, Grant, you don’t.” Everything in her body turns defensive.
“You’d never understand,” she continues and as much as I wish things were different, it tells me again, I know that I’m not the one for her.
“Jessa, just stop. You want to stay with Rob, stay with him but please let’s just stop this. Maybe we should just stay away from each other.
The last thing I want is to interfere.” When actually, I’m so terrified to push her.
As much as I want to beg her to be mine, I can’t.
It wouldn’t be fair to her. “I know…it’s…complicated,” her words trail off, and having no other choice, I nod in agreement.
As though Dr. Lincoln knows exactly the spot Jessa and I are in, I hear her heels click down the steps of the lecture hall.
“Okay, class. Today’s discussion is ‘
Love in the
Workplace’.” I let out an exasperated breath, unsure if I can handle a lecture regarding forbidden love when mine is sitting right next to me. My eyes shift her way and hers to mine. Even though, we just had a deep conversation and decided we will keep our distance from each other, we smirk at one another.
There’s that fucking connection again.
No words necessary to know what the other one is thinking. Abruptly, I turn my attention to Dr. Lincoln, unable to share those moments with Jessa any longer. If I’m going to try to move ahead, I probably need to stop being near her, and I definitely won’t be able to touch her. Not even an arm brush between us. As much as I wish we could be friends, I don’t think it’s possible at this point.
Jessa
My mind races as I’m leaving the lecture hall. Pulling my gloves and hat on, I watch Grant’s large frame walk quickly in the other direction. How can your heart and mind be in two more different places? My heart screams for Grant every time we’re around each other, but my mind won’t let me take the step. Make that a giant leap.
The thing that scares me the most is that he doesn’t truly want it.
I can feel his desire for me throughout my whole body when he’s near, but then he pulls back just as fast. Then again, the last thing I want is to stay with Rob just for the sake of having someone. I’m stronger than that and I know it.
Before Jason, I wouldn’t have thought twice about breaking things off with Rob and running toward Grant. Fuck Jason for making me doubt my self-worth. My therapist’s words ring in my head from my last session: ‘You have to live again, Jessa. Go, and be happy. You’ve done the work, now reap the reward.’ Dr. Hinkle was the one who convinced me to leave Boulder and start fresh somewhere else. And that’s exactly what I did last semester.
When I first met Rob, I was scared out of my mind, but I pushed forward like Dr. Hinkle said and let him in. Things were so great…at first. He took me home for Thanksgiving and it felt as though we were really going somewhere. That he could be the one and we’d fall in love and live happily ever after. Then he and his band agreed to play Grant’s fraternity party and our relationship started to shift. Dates stopped, the swooning disappeared, and suddenly, I’m being rushed through drive-thru windows to eat and propped up against anything but a bed to fuck.
What the hell is wrong with me? As though the storm clouds have unexpectedly parted in my mind, it dawns on me.
Regardless of Grant, I need to get rid of Rob. He’s not the one, and if I feel this strongly for someone else while we’re together, he can’t really be the love of my life.
Sadie and I are sitting downstairs with the boys while they play, which has been a common occurrence since we moved in. Dex, Trey, and Brady sit in the recording area behind the glass, while she and I gossip about some reality television show she recently got me addicted to watching. Some wonderful guy gets to take a bunch of girls on once-in-a-lifetime dates, and the girls practically beg him to pick them, even if he made out with someone else the night before. At first I thought Sadie was crazy, but lately I’ve been setting my schedule around the damn show.
“Where’s Rob?” Brady calls out from the room and I shrug my shoulders. Other than a quick text message this afternoon, I’ve heard nothing from him. “He told me he would be here.”
“I’m here,” Rob shouts, coming down the stairs.. I brace myself because I have a feeling that a confrontation is coming. Rob’s been missing a few practices to do gigs with a couple of other band he’s trying to be a part of, and Trey hasn’t attempted to keep his dislike quiet on the subject. I’m assuming that’s what he’s about to tell them again, but then he turns to me. I notice his nervous expression, and I gather it’s more than missing one band practice.
“Where the hell have you been? We have a show in a few hours and Brady has a new song,” Trey says, standing in the doorway of the recording studio.
“I’m done guys, sorry,” he tells them, and I shoot up to my feet.
“What?” I ask as I walk over to him. All of us are now standing in front of him like a pack of angry wolves ready to pounce.
“I’m going on tour with The Beatskulls. They got invited to join Krypto and asked me to play guitar. I’ve kind of been messing around with them on a couple songs lately,” he admits. Reminding us again, Rob isn’t a student like the rest of us. He dropped out last year in order to fulfill his dream of becoming a rock star, whereas the other boys are only playing until they graduate.
“You’re what?” I ask softly and the others slowly move away, leaving me alone with him.
“Fucking bullshit,” Trey shouts and I hear Brady trying to calm him as they head into the glass-windowed room with Sadie.
“Sorry, Jessa, but I have to do this.” He comes up to me, taking my hands in his.
“I know,” I say and I’m not lying. I understand completely. I was ready to tell him tonight that it was over, but it still hurts that he told me he’s leaving along with everyone else instead of seeking me out individually. It shows me again just how much our relationship has changed.
“I’ll call as much as I can, but remember I’ll be busy.” He’s already making excuses for missed phone calls, but what he doesn’t realize is that I’m indifferent to the whole thing.
“Okay,” I tell him. He brings his lips to mine and kisses me, but it’s cold and distant. In his mind, he’s already left and I know at this moment that it’s over between Rob and me. He’ll move on to stardom and his life here will soon be forgotten. Instead of feeling sadness though, all I feel is an overwhelming amount of relief.
Rob says goodbye to everyone. Brady wishes him good luck and gives him a hug. Sadie stays in the room, waving. I’m not surprised, since there’s never been much love between them. Dex shakes his hand, but quietly turns back to his bass. Trey remains behind his drums, giving him a nod goodbye. Rob’s either unaware or indifferent to how he’s disappointing his bandmates.
I walk him upstairs and his bags are already resting by the front door. “I’ll call you tonight,” he says and leans in to give me a kiss. I should just tell him not to bother and that we both know this is over, but I remain quiet. I say goodbye, knowing there’s a good chance that I’ll never hear from him again, and he leaves after another meaningless kiss.
After I shut the door, I walk up to my room. I remove the picture of us taken at Halloween off my bulletin board and lay down on my bed. No tears escape my eyes and no sadness hits my heart. The soft knock on my door tells me it’s Sadie.
“Come on in,” I say, and she sheepishly peeks around the edge of the door. Her eyes widen noticing my lack of sadness.
“You’re not upset?” She walks over to the side of the bed, taking a seat. “I thought I would find you in tears.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Sadie. I’m not sad he’s gone.” I scoot to a sitting position and cross my legs.
“Well,” Sadie says, biting the inside of her cheek, “things haven’t really been stellar between you guys recently so I guess that makes sense.”
“I know, but you would still think that I’d shed a tear or two. And it wasn’t just me, it was him, too. He seemed so eager to leave me.” I rest my head in my hands, wondering how someone I thought I could love just deserted me and the only thing I feel is liberation.
“You know Rob. He’s always been more…” she hesitates.
“About himself,” I finish for her.
“Yeah,” she sighs. “Not that he doesn’t love you, Jessa. It’s just that music seems to take precedence in his life.” Sadie is always one to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.
“Just say it, Sadie,” I challenge, cocking my head to the side.
“What?” she asks innocently.
“Tell me…just tell me that he’s an asshole. I know you want to, so just do it.” I stand up and toss the picture on my dresser. I don’t understand why I’m feeling angry now. Am I mad at myself for not being upset over Rob leaving? Are my feelings for Grant the reason my relationship with Rob suffered and we got to this point?
Sadie walks over to me and rests her hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, Jessa. Don’t blame yourself for something that’s out of your control.” I turn around and see the concern that fills her eyes. She only wants the best for me and has stood by my side all this time, even though she hated Rob.
“I’m sorry,” I say and sink down on the bed again.
“You can’t control who your feelings are for,” she says, raising her eyebrows to signify, she knows how Grant consumes my thoughts.
“I’m so confused, Sadie. Grant wouldn’t want me anyways. The sickest part of this is that I should be in tears on my bed, grieving over the fact that my boyfriend just left. Instead, all I can think of is that maybe this is my chance with Grant.” A tear of remorse escapes my eyes. “Fuck, what kind of person am I?” I let my head fall into my hands as sobs start spilling out of me.
She crawls up on the bed and wraps her arm around my shoulders. “It’s okay to feel that way, Jessa. They’re your feelings, don’t deny them. I’m not saying it’s not complicated, but you should definitely break it off with Rob and see where things go with Grant.” She speaks softly in my ear, as though someone else is in the room.
“Ugh…that’s just it. I was going to.” I shake my head, upset that I put myself in this position, but also that Rob put me in it too. “I was going to break it off tonight, but then this news…it just threw me off, that’s all.”
“Why don’t you come to the show and get your mind off of things? You can deal with this tomorrow,” she says and I nod my head.