“I will massage your face later,” Lauren whispered. “In a very special way.”
Patrick blinked and nodded. “We haven’t done that yet. We need to try it on the plane.”
Lauren put her arms around Patrick. “I love traveling with you. Our itineraries are so free form.”
After an usher escorted them to their aisle seats in the second-to-last row, they sat and looked up at the stage where two huge screens flanked a gaudy, glowing purple representation of the People’s Choice Award.
“They put the real stars up front,” Lauren said.
“I’m feeling better already,” Patrick said.
A nearby flash drew their attention to the aisle.
It’s Sam Gabriel from
Us Weekly
and a tall, hairy photographer in a tux and high-tops. How charming.
“Hello, Sam.”
“Hello, Lauren,” Sam said. “Happy to be here?”
“Yes,” Lauren said, taking and holding Patrick’s hand.
“Anything I should know about?” Sam asked. “You know, something interesting that might happen tonight?”
“No,” Lauren said sweetly. “What do you think will happen?”
“Well,” Sam said, “after all that’s happened, I just thought
something
was going to happen tonight. Is it true that
family
money paid for your dress?”
“That’s none of your business, Sam,” Lauren said.
Sam looked down front. “Oh, there’s Chazz. You heard what he said on
Access Hollywood,
right?”
“I did,” Lauren said.
“Do you care to comment?” Sam asked.
“No,” Lauren said.
“Aren’t you going to confront him?” Sam asked.
I want to, but I have to trust my man.
“No.”
“You’re not?” Sam laughed. “But tonight is a golden opportunity to confront him.”
“Tonight is a golden opportunity to enjoy the show,” Lauren said. “I won’t be confronting him, Sam.”
Patrick will.
Sam shook his head and drifted with his photographer down the aisle.
Patrick put his lips close to her ear. “I thought Chucky would be bigger.”
And I was almost the bride of Chucky.
“It’s all about camera angles. He’s only five-eight. He’s a little shorter than Jason Statham. Oh, look at the frown on his date’s face. I’ll bet she
knows.
I’ll bet she’s horny and can’t do anything about it.”
Sam returned to Lauren’s side. “I think Chazz and his date are coming up the aisle.”
He’s headed this way. Is he crazy?
She turned to Patrick and whispered, “I feel like taking off my earrings and throwing some hands.”
“I got this,” Patrick whispered.
“Can I, please?” Lauren whispered. “Only one or two punches. I promise only to maim him.”
“Not in that gown,” Patrick whispered.
“I could take it off,” Lauren whispered.
“Later,” Patrick whispered.
“You say the nicest things.”
She looked at Chazz and his date, Chari, a blond, leggy Victoria’s Secret model, as they waved and joked with people on their way up the aisle.
Wow. Chazz is such a small man. Why did I ever waste seven years of my life with him? Wearing that string tie, that V-shaped goatee, and those dark glasses, he’s trying to look like a younger Mickey Rourke and failing badly.
Lauren took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Let’s get this beat down started.
Chazz stopped beside Lauren, and several photographers formed a semicircle around him while Sam posted himself a few feet away. “Hello, Lauren Short.”
“Hello, Charles Ransome,” Lauren said.
“Why, Lauren, you look so much older,” Chazz said.
“And tired. Is marriage to Patty all that bad? My, how you’ve aged since I broke up with you and you settled for him. Have you filed for divorce yet?”
Lauren looked sideways at Patrick.
Patrick shook his head slightly.
Lauren smiled for the cameras. “You know that’s not true, Charles.
I
broke up with you. Have you fixed that window yet?”
Chazz’s eyes widened slightly. “She was distraught over my dumping her, and she tried to kill herself by jumping into the ocean from my picture window. I suppose she thought it was a romantic gesture.”
Lauren cut her eyes to Patrick.
Patrick shook his head.
Come on, man! The suspense is killing me!
“I did no such thing. You replaced that window with tinted or one-way glass, didn’t you? You wouldn’t want the world to see what I saw that night.”
Chazz’s eyes narrowed slightly. “I should have sent you a bill, but I didn’t want to wait a few centuries for your descendants to pay me back because you’re only a handywoman now.”
Lauren smiled up at Chari. “
You
know what I’m talking about, don’t you, Chari? His unusual nocturnal proclivities.”
Chari blinked.
She has no clue. I need to break it down for her.
“I feel so bad for you.” Lauren leaned her head out into the aisle and whispered, “Just make sure Chazz uses a condom, or you might have to take an HIV test.”
Chari’s eyes popped. “What?”
She doesn’t know! Wow.
Lauren saw Sam scribbling furiously on a notepad.
Well, at least that little nugget is out now.
Chazz tugged on Chari’s arm. “It was
not
nice talking to you, as usual. Let’s go.”
They’re getting away!
Lauren reached out quickly and latched on to Chari’s free hand. “I wasn’t masculine enough for Charles.”
Chazz pulled Chari toward him. “Always a pleasure, Lauren. Enjoy your retirement. Oh, wait. You can’t retire, can you? You’ll have to work on pipes and sinks and toilets until the day you die.”
Lauren released Chari’s hand. “Better a plumber who works on pipes than a sexually confused man who works on other men’s pipes.” She turned fully to Patrick and mouthed, “Now?”
Patrick only smiled.
Well, do something, Patrick! You say you got this—so get this!
Chazz stepped closer. “You’re insane.” He turned to Sam. “She’s insane. Obviously. Look who she’s with. The son of a Mafia hit man who buys used rings at pawnshops and had to take a pink cab to this show.”
“Now?” Lauren mouthed to Patrick.
Patrick nodded, stood, and stepped carefully past Lauren’s feet to the aisle.
Finally! Go get him!
Patrick towered over Chazz but said nothing as more photographers moved in and people around them pulled out cell phones to begin filming.
Ah,
Lauren thought.
He wanted to build up more of an audience. I always knew he was a ham at heart.
“Ah, the handyman,” Chazz said.
Patrick smiled, crossed his arms, and stared down at him. Chazz let go of Chari’s hand and moved up the aisle past Patrick before turning and facing him.
So you can appear taller,
Lauren thought.
They see how really short you are, you jerk!
“Do you speak?” Chazz asked. “Do you know how to speak? Can you
afford
to speak?”
Patrick laughed so loudly, several photographers stumbled backward. He turned to Lauren. “You were right, Lauren. Chucky is short.” He returned his focus to Chazz. “On a lot of things. Including class, humanity, and common sense.”
Chazz coughed, his eyes flitting back and forth.
Patrick moved closer. “I want you to apologize to Lauren.”
“For what?” Chazz asked loudly. “I have nothing to apologize for. She should be apologizing to me.”
Patrick let his arms fall to his sides. “You tell lies, Chucky, but I won’t hold those against you because you lie for a living. However, I do need you to apologize to Lauren for having to take an HIV test because of you.”
Chazz’s eyes darted around him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He turned away from Patrick and looked at Sam. “He’s crazy. His father is a murderer, and his mother was a whore. That kind of combination has to make you crazy. No wonder Lauren ended up with him.”
No jury would convict you if you killed him right now, Patrick. At least break his jaw. Please? One right cross, and his face will always lean left.
Lauren saw veins bulging in Patrick’s neck.
Oh, it’s on now!
“You’re wrong, as usual, Chucky,” Patrick said. “It hasn’t made me crazy. It has made me more powerful than you’ll ever be. My mother was not a whore. I am her only child, she raised me by herself, and she is a saint. My father killed a man so I could be born. I am his only child. He is a saint. They were the best parents I could have ever had. Now, apologize for nearly giving Lauren a death sentence.”
Chazz stepped to his left. “Get out of my way.”
Patrick stepped with him. “No. We’re going to end this now. Either you apologize to my wife, Chucky, or the world will know what kind of man you aren’t.”
Beads of sweat formed quickly on Chazz’s forehead. “What?”
“Apologize to my wife, or everyone watching will know exactly what you are,” Patrick said.
“Is that a threat?” Chazz asked, his voice becoming hoarse.
“This is beginning to sound like one of your lame movies,” Patrick said. “I don’t threaten. I promise, and I always keep my promises.”
As much as I want him to kick Chazz’s ass, this verbal beat down is much better, and Sam Gabriel is writing down every word while those photographers record everything.
“No one will believe you,” Chazz said.
“Unlike you, Chucky, I never lie, and the media knows this.” Patrick nodded at Sam. “Have I ever lied to anyone in the media?”
Sam and several photographers shook their heads.
Chazz looked down. “You don’t have the balls.”
Patrick smiled. “You don’t want to test me, little man. You don’t have a stunt double nearby to fight for you.”
Lauren laughed loudly, and so did several other people including Sam, who quickly wrote it down.
“If you touch me, I will have you arrested,” Chazz said.
“Why any human being, male or female, would ever want to touch you, I have no idea,” Patrick said.
Lauren laughed even louder.
That’s
my
man! Yes!
“Get out of my way!” Chazz cried, putting his hands in front of him.
Patrick blocked him easily. “I don’t know much about show business, Chucky, but I know this is a live television show. Strange things often happen on live television shows, Chucky. People have been known to interrupt acceptance speeches and go off. People have been known to ramble on and on and on while the rest of the world watches, amazed. And the next day those videos are everywhere. I’m sure you’ll win another award tonight, Chucky, though I don’t know why, and that’s when I’ll read them this.” Patrick pulled out a folded piece of white paper.
He wrote it down! Oh, my goodness!
Patrick held the paper in front of him. “I’m sure they’ll translate my words into every language on earth. Instantaneously. Some of my words will even become headlines. Something like . . .
HANDYMAN HAMMERS GUTLESS HOLLYWOOD STAR
or
HANDYMAN NAILS MOVIE
“
HERO
”
WITH THE TRUTH
or simply
IS THIS THE END FOR CHUCKY
? Those headlines have nice rings to them, don’t they?”
“You won’t,” Chazz said softly.
“I am a man of my word,” Patrick said. “I am the son of a man who kept his word for forty years. I have been rehearsing this speech for days, and Lauren has been helping me memorize it.”
Oh, my God! Patrick is telling a lie! His first lie! And Chazz will believe it because he has no conception of the truth!
“You are going to apologize to Lauren
now,
” Patrick said, “and you had better mean it, or I
will
interrupt you later.”
Chazz squatted down next to Lauren. “Lauren, I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Tell her why you’re sorry,” Patrick said.
“I’m sorry you had . . .” He leaned in closer. “I’m sorry you had to take an HIV test.”
“Tell her what you could have done to her,” Patrick said.
“But I’m careful,” Chazz said. “I’ve been careful.”
Patrick started to unfold the paper. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to set the record straight here tonight. Chucky, here, is not the man you think he is.”
“All right, all right.” Chazz sighed deeply. “I could have killed you, Lauren, and I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Do you accept his apology?” Patrick asked.
Not really. He’s not exactly apologizing of his own free will.
“I guess I’ll have to.”
Chazz stood and looked at Patrick. “Are we done here?”
Patrick put the paper in his jacket pocket. “Almost. I don’t want to hear you say another thing about Lauren or me. Ever.”
“And you’ll . . . keep things quiet,” Chazz whispered.
“I will,” Patrick said. “And that’s a promise.”
Chazz eyed Sam. “We’ll, um, we’ll talk.”
Sam nodded.
Patrick stepped aside, and Chazz pushed his way through photographers, their cameras whirring on overdrive. The photographers didn’t even glance back at Lauren and Patrick, leaving them completely alone.
We’re finally not the story! I hope they hound him as relentlessly as they did us.
“Thank you, Patrick.” She kissed him tenderly.
Patrick sat. “Anytime.”
Chari stood swaying in the aisle next to Lauren. “Is he really . . . gay?”
Lauren nodded. “He’s heavily into man love, yes.”
“Oh,
hell
no!” Chari cried. Several polysyllabic curses later, she turned to leave the theater.
“Wait,” Lauren said.