Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (15 page)

I’m downstairs and
ready

to talk when you
are.

~James

I was speechless and grew
nervous. Trying not to think about it, I got dressed in sweats,
dried my hair some and headed down with my coffee. He was sitting
on the couch reading the paper. When he spotted me he folded it and
set it down.

“
You look better,
hopefully you feel better.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I
replied, “Yes. A little better.”

“
You should sit down. Are
you hungry?”

Hesitantly, I walked to the
couch and sat down. “Not really. I’ll stick with coffee for now.
Thank you.”

“
It’s no
problem.”

We sat there, in
uncomfortable silence as I sipped my coffee. I broke the silence.
“You said you wanted to talk.” He changed position and sat facing
me, his back against the arm rest at the opposite end. Placing his
hand on the back of the couch toward me, he smiled.

“
Yes. I think we need to.”
I just smiled and nodded. “Guess I’ll just dive in. When I left
that day, I went up to the cabin after calling Annie. She knew I
wasn’t in a good place and called my therapist, Dr.
Pratt.”

“
Ok.”

“
I drank away my sorrows
for a couple days before Dr. Pratt showed up. He sobered me up and
waited for me to open up.” He looked to me and I nodded for him to
continue. “Dr. Pratt is who helped me when I finished my time in
the service. I had, err have, wounds, mentally and physically that
he helped me work through. I had PTSD pretty bad and he, Annie and
Smith were the only ones who could get through to me.

“
Alcohol became a vice for
me then and it’s still an issue if I let it be. Anyways. I was
terrified to tell you all of that. You deserve someone
better…”

I cut him off, “James, I
didn’t want someone better. I only wanted you. All of
you.”

He sighed, “I know that
now. I’m sorry I didn’t have more faith in you.” His eyes dropped
to his lap. “I was so blinded and angry that day at the hospital.
When I doubted you and thought that Paul might be the father, I
lost all sense and let you believe that I was screwing
around.”

My eyes dropped to stare
into my coffee. I couldn’t look at him. Knowing he hadn’t cheated
on me, at least not with Melissa. But, I had ultimately cheated on
him. Even if we were separated.

“
I wasn’t, Cassidy. You’re
the only person I’ve been with since I first saw you over a year
ago.” He moved closer and put his hand on my knee. “Please look at
me.” He took the coffee from my hands and set it on the coffee
table before taking my hands in his. “Cassidy, you can talk to
me.”

I had to tell him, there
was no point keeping it a secret. “I slept with Paul.” His hands
still clung to mine as I choked out, “and Roxy and Misty. I’m so
ashamed.” Pulling a hand free, I swiped it at my face.

“
When?”

“
I, um, I kissed Paul for
the first time at the cabin. After you threw me away. We didn’t
sleep together till last weekend. I was drunk and Misty and Roxy
were there too.” I wanted to look at him, but didn’t want to see
the disgust that would surely be plastered on his face. “Please say
something. Anything.”

“
I know.”

I tried prying my other
hand free, “What, what do you mean you know?”

“
I know about Misty, Roxy
and Paul. At the club, right?” My insides convulsed as realization
hit me. Had he been there that night? “Annie had to stop me from
interfering.” He released my hand as I buried my face. “Cassidy, I
don’t care. I drove you away. Just tell me it’s over.”

Over? That
what
was over? “I, you,
you knew? Tell you what’s over? I’m so confused.”

“
Do you love
him?”

“
What!” He didn’t seem
angry, sad, in fact, there was no emotion on his face. “Paul?” He
nodded. “James, it’s complicated.”

He dropped his
head.
“When did you stop loving
me?”

Was he a fool? My heart
broke at his question. “I never said I stopped loving you.
Paul holds a piece of my heart and probably
always will. But, you.” My voice barely above a whisper, “You own
my heart. All of it.” He lifted his eyes to mine as a smile full of
hope slowly spread across his lips. “How could you, why did you
just throw me away? I don’t know if I can get past
that.”

“
Please, let me try to fix
it.”

“
James, we’ve both caused
so much damage.” He moved in closer and placed his hands on my
cheeks and looked into my eyes. Whispering, I admitted, “I want you
in my life, need you. But I don’t know if I trust you to not hurt
me again.” A tear rolled down as his thumb wiped it
away.

“
I want you in mine, need
you, too. Please. I’ll do anything to prove that I won’t hurt you
again.” He dropped his forehead to mine and kissed the tip of my
nose.

My head became fuzzy.
Having him so close to me was bound to make me so. “James…” I
couldn’t stop it. My mouth was drawn to his like a
magnet.

He groaned as my lips
pressed against his and his fingers moved into my hair. I gripped
his biceps as our bodies immediately fell into sync. He hovered
over me as I moved lower so that he could nestle his body on top of
mine. The weight of his body on mine was euphoric, the one thing
I’d missed more than anything.

My hands reached around him
as I pulled him closer. My fingernails found the skin of his lower
back and dug in. Moving my knee up, he cradled his crotch against
mine, causing me to gasp and press up into him. His hand moved
under my shirt and found my naked breast. His hand moved to my
sternum as he pulled his lips away from me. I opened my eyes and
found him scanning my face.

When his eyes found mine
again, he smiled, “I can’t lose you, Blackbird.” He shifted his
hips against mine as I closed my eyes at the sensation that ran
through me. His hand moved higher and gently gripped my neck as he
kissed me again. My lips were swollen and tender as his goatee
tickled me.

“
James, wait. Please,
stop.”

Leaning up he questioned
me, “What is it?”

“
It’s too fast.
Please.”

“
Please what?” His hand
moved back to my breast, he thought I was joking.

“
No! We have to stop.” My
tone alerted him that I was serious. He got on his knees as I
pulled myself up. “This has never been the issue with us. We can’t
just hop back in bed together.”

Running his hands through
his hair, I could tell he was digesting my words. Nodding, “You’re
right. I'm sorry.” He sat down and took a deep breath. “I said I’d
do anything and I will. What do you want me to do?”

“
I, I don’t know.” I had
an idea and started chewing on my nails because I didn’t think he’d
like my idea.

“
You’re thinking. What is
it?”

“
Umm, maybe Dr. Pratt
could help?” He stared at me a moment before looking off into
space. He stood and walked to the kitchen counter and picked up his
phone. “Who are you calling?” He put his index finger in the air
and I immediately quieted. Was he really calling Dr.
Pratt?

“
Hi Dr. Pratt. Yes, I’m
good. I, no, we, Cassidy and I were wondering if you’d be willing
to see us. Yes, together. Ok. I understand.” He looked to me, “Um,
can we come in tomorrow night?” I just nodded. “Yes, we can do
that. Ok. We’ll see you then.” He put his phone back on the counter
and leaned against it. “Tomorrow night.”

“
Ok. I, ok,
wow.”

“
What is it?”

“
I just, I’m surprised. I
didn’t think you’d be ok with my suggestion.”

Smiling, he replied, “I
agree that our chemistry isn’t the problem. We need to work on all
the other things first.” I yawned. “You should take a nap and some
more meds. You need to be better if we’re going to go see Dr. Pratt
tomorrow.”

“
What about
you?”

“
I have some things to
work on.” I nodded. “Cassidy, I have to ask. Do you want me to stay
here or at the hotel?”

My heart skipped a beat. Of
course I wanted him with me, but that wasn’t going to help us keep
our pants on. “I, well, maybe we should see what Dr. Pratt
suggests.”

“
Ok. I’ll be back in a few
hours with dinner.” He walked over and pulled me to my feet and
hugged me. “Thank you.”

“
For what?”

“
For everything. I know we
have a lot to figure out.” He kissed my forehead and then ushered
me toward the stairs. “Nap. I’ll be back.”

I started to head up the
stairs and heard him open the door. I grew panicked as my thoughts
became erratic as I wondered if it was real. Was he really there,
wanting to make it work? “James!” I ran down the stairs and leapt
in his arms, my own clinging to his neck.

Clasping me tightly, he
consoled me and kicked the door shut, “Hey, I missed you
too.”

Talking into his neck I
asked, “You’re coming back? We’re really going to work on this,
together?”

His hand smoothed down my
hair as he replied, “Yes. I’m coming back. I promise.” Pulling my
face back, I tried to smile at him as the tears threatened. “I
can’t do this without you. I love you, Cassidy.”

I wasn’t able to respond,
my throat was so constricted with emotion. I simply nodded as I
buried my face against him again. We stood like that for a moment.
I just wanted to remain in the comfort and safety of his arms.
Eventually, we pried our bodies apart and I carried myself up the
stairs. He promised he’d be back in a few hours with
dinner.

After I heard the door
close, I turned on my laptop. I needed music and since my iPod was
gone, my laptop would have to do. I knew I should have just
splurged and bought a new one. I placed it on my nightstand and
scanned through my songs and playlists. I wanted this to all be
real, but I was scared to death, waiting for the other shoe to
drop. I put on my favorite Thirty Seconds to Mars song, on repeat
of course, and climbed under the covers.

C
hapter
10
~
S
tay

~ JAMES ~

Was it really happening? I
was throwing my plan away, unable to stay away from her any longer.
I sat in my truck outside her place as her iPod sang songs through
the cab. A piano infused melody caught my attention and I started
it over. Her playlist titled with my moniker was the only thing I
listened to in those weeks.
Stay
by Thirty Seconds to
Mars
echoed through as I fought with
my body’s desire to claim her or to let her rest.

No sex. That’s what we
agreed upon. At least not till we talked to Dr. Pratt. Fuck me. She
was my home. I could live buried inside her for eternity. I told
her I loved her and she had just nodded.
Please tell me I haven’t lost her.
She confided in me when I didn’t think she would. I knew I
had to give her time. She was receptive and seemed willing to work
on us and that’s the most I could hope for and more than I
deserved.

I spent the next few hours
at the office. I’d seen the flyer on her counter and started making
phone calls. I tried calling Paul about the house and got no
answer. Deciding I had time, I drove out to the property. The
terrain had been cleared and the foundation would be poured soon. I
really needed to sit down with Cassidy. I wanted it to be
our
house, not mine. She
had a right to help with the design, but I didn’t want to put too
much on her plate either. I knew she was swamped with wedding
preparations for Jane and Cal.

I stopped by the local deli
and picked up some different types of soups. Granted, it was June,
but figured chicken soup is what she’d want. When I walked in I
could hear music blaring and when I walked upstairs the shower was
running. I made my way back down to the kitchen before I was
tempted any further. I took it as a good sign that the loud music
and shower running meant she was feeling better. Placing the soup
on the stove, I pulled out some bowls and spoons and
waited.

I placed the blueprints for
the house on the table and waited for her to make her appearance.
Chessa joined me on the couch and curled up in my lap. I was
scratching her head when I heard her steps coming down the
stairs.

“
Looks like I’m not the
only one who missed you.”

Smiling back at her, I
picked Chessa up in my arms and walked over to Cassidy. She quickly
turned her face so that I kissed her cheek and she was right to do
so.
Slow, James. Slow.
“I picked up some soup. Hope that’s ok.” She nodded. “Are you
feeling better?”

“
Yes. Still a little achy,
but I’m hungry.” I set Chessa down as Cassidy walked past the
dining table. She spotted the blueprints and pointed her finger,
“What are these?”

“
The drawings for the
house.” She just stared in my eyes, back to the prints and back to
me again. “Ok.”