Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (30 page)

“
You should rest, James. I
can come back later.” Smith nodded, agreeing with Cassidy’s
words.

“
Talk to you soon,
brother.” He shook my hand and walked into the hallway.

Cassidy made her way to
follow him and as she paused by my bed, her body language revealing
all, she waved and said she’d be back around dinner time. I reached
out and snagged her hand. I wasn’t sure why, but I had plenty of
time to think about what she must be going through. With us being
married and as close as Smith assured me that we were; I couldn’t
imagine the grief she was feeling. A tremor ran through my fingers
as her eyes examined our joined hands. I pulled her a little closer
and she tried resisting.

I was now standing at the
edge of my bed and she was in front of me, avoiding my eyes.
“James.” It was barely a whisper and her voice was broken. Her free
hand traveled to her face and swiped at her eyes.

I bent my knees so that we
were face to face. “Cassidy. I’m not sure what I should say or do,
but I can only imagine what you’re going through. I’m sorry. I want
to remember.” In less than twenty-four hours she had captivated me.
Why the fuck couldn’t I remember? I wanted to remember. My body
reacted to her immediately, every time she was near and I could
sense that it was the same for her. Looking up to the ceiling,
“Please, God, let me remember.”

A small sob broke from deep
inside her and instinct had me pull her close. Slowly, she relaxed
against me as I released her hand and wrapped my arms around her
back. She squeezed her arms around my waist as her scent assaulted
my senses. Oranges. She smelled like oranges, or tangerines, maybe
it was both.

Between heaving and broken
breaths she whimpered, “I thought you were dead. After everything
we’d been through, everything was finally falling into place. Then,
then Dan almost killed us both, and…” She stopped talking, almost
like she knew she’d said too much and just held on to
me.

What was ‘everything’? Dan,
Dan who? I knew a few, one was from high school. What the hell had
happened to her, to me, to us? Dan who and why had he tried to kill
us? I was about to ask her when my nurse came into the
room.

“
Fucking hell.” Cassidy
bolted her head up and looked at me, eyes narrowed.
“What?”

“
Well, that’s something I
always say. I’ve never heard you say it.” She pressed her lips
together and tried smiling. “Sorry, it just caught me off
guard.”

“
I hate to break this up,
but I need to check his bandage and he really should get some
rest.”

“
It’s fine.” She looked
back to me as she gingerly pulled herself out of my embrace. “I’ll
be back later. Is there anything you want or need?”

I grabbed her hand and
looked at the raven tattoo on her wrist. Something told me there
was more to the story, but I didn’t have any idea what it was. I
just nodded as she slowly let her hand fall out of mine.

“
Is that a yes you need
something?”

“
What? Oh, umm, no. I
think I’m good. I’ll see you soon.”

“
Ok. Get some
rest.”

I watched her leave before
I climbed back in the bed. The nurse made a positive comment and
asked if I’d remembered anything. I told her I hadn’t and she told
me to give it some time. I couldn’t help but feel like time was the
enemy.

It didn’t take me long to
sleep, but it didn’t last. My thoughts were running amuck, willing
myself to remember something, anything. I was missing her and had
an almost uncontrollable urge to strip her naked and bend her over
the bed, or my lap, every time she walked in the door.
Shit!
What the hell was
wrong with me? It was like my body remembered her, but my mind
didn’t.

“
Fuck!”

I heard the door open and
spotted my father in the doorway. “Everything ok, son?”

I exhaled and pounded my
fist on the bed. “Define ‘ok’. Why can’t I remember
her?”

He walked over as he
digested my words. “Her who?”

“
Cassidy, of course. Who
else would I be talking about?” He sat down in the chair next to me
and folded his hands in his lap. “In my mind I’m single, well,
seeing Melissa, but that’s just casual. When in reality I’m married
to, to her. Cassidy. And she’s stunning, funny, kind, at least from
what I can gather.”

“
She is and more. You
found a gem and we love her dearly.”

“
She’s not my usual type
at all.” I knew that wasn’t entirely true. “I don’t
understand.”

“
What’s to understand? You
changed when you met her. Your mother and I both saw it. That’s how
it happens for most of us. We find the one girl who unhinges us and
it changes everything. To say that Cassidy unhinged you is an
understatement.” His gaze scrutinized me as I tried not to take
offense at his words. He smiled and added, “In a good way, James.
She reached a part of you that had been closed off to all of us for
a long time.”

I sighed. He was probably
right. I didn’t do love and romance, even I knew that. I also knew
that I wanted to romance her, this woman I didn’t know, and it
sounded ridiculous to me.

“
How is mom?” He stared at
me and I was becoming uncomfortable as he shifted in his chair.
“What is it?” Realization hit me that mom had been battling cancer
for two years already back in 2011. Now it was 2014.
“Dad?”

The door opened and in
walked my redhead. She was the stranger my body already ached for,
my wife and my memory had no recollection of her. She smiled at me
before she spotted my father. She noted his somber expression and
returned her blue gaze to mine.

Stopping in her tracks she
asked, “I’m sorry, am I interrupting?”

“
Cassidy, please join us.”
My father motioned her into the room and hesitantly, she did just
that. She set her bags down and stood nervously at the end of my
bed. “I was just about to talk to James about his
mother.”

The unease that washed over
her face told me everything I didn’t want to know. My dad started
to talk and I put my hand up to stop him. My lips barely moved as I
made the statement. “She’s gone, isn’t she?” My eyes shut as I took
a deep breath, dropping my head into my hands I winced when my hand
tugged on the hair by my wound a little too hard.

“
Yes.” He was straight to
the point, something I admired in him, but at that moment I
wondered if he could’ve been gentler when he broke it to me. When I
asked when he told me that it had only been a few months
prior.

“
Jesus. Was it the
cancer?”

“
Yes. She stopped
treatment in November.” He continued speaking as my ears turned
themselves off.

I didn’t want to believe
his words. That meant that she’d battled it for over five years. I
couldn’t listen to any more. “Please, stop.” The suffering my
mother had gone through was too much to think about. It was making
me ill.

“
James, do you feel
alright.” I was aware of her voice as her hand touched my forearm.
I didn’t mean to flinch at her touch, but the harm was already
done. She took a step back saying, “I’ll get you some water and a
cool rag.” The emotion was gone from her voice as she turned and
left the room.

“
I’m sorry, James. I
didn’t want to break it to you this way, but you needed to
know.”

“
I know, Dad. I just. My
last memory of her isn’t really my last one.” I looked to see that
Cassidy was still gone. “Did she meet her?”

“
Your mother loved her. I
think before she even met her. They spent a lot of time together.”
I nodded. “She was disappointed you two eloped so quickly, but only
because she missed out on celebrating with you.”

I felt like a jerk for
taking that away from my mother. As her only child, I knew how
important my wedding day would’ve been to her. “Is there anything
else I need to know, that I’ve missed in this three year
time-warp.”

“
No. The only thing you
need to know is that your mother loved you, loved Cassidy and she
wanted you two to be happy.” He gripped my shoulder as he stood.
“Take comfort in her. She loves you.” The door opened and Cassidy
walked in with a pitcher of water and some cups. “I was just
leaving dear.” She placed the cups and pitcher down and I watched
as my father embraced her. “Take it easy on him. Call me if you
need anything.”

“
Ok.”

When he was gone she poured
two glasses of water and handed me one. I took a sip and then a few
more before I set the cup down. She was drinking her own water
while trying not to make it obvious that she was gauging my
reaction to the news that my mother was gone. Our eyes met as she
stared over the rim of her cup before she moved to sit down in the
chair my father had been occupying.

“
I’m ok.”

My words seemed to surprise
her. She muttered, “Ok.”

She was holding back. I
could sense it in her. “What is it? You can tell me.”

“
Well, it’s
just…”

“
Out with it!” I huffed,
“Christ, are you always like this? You’re like a simpering child.”
I regretted my words immediately as I watched the flush of anger
spread over her cheeks.

“
NO. I’m not always like
this. I was told to tread lightly, by your doctor, so that we
didn’t re-traumatize you.”

“
I didn’t
know…”

“
No, you don’t know. Do
you have any idea what I’ve been through, what I’m going through?”
She was angry and started pacing the small path by my bed. “There
are so many things I want to tell you, but I’m so afraid I’ll do
something to make it worse. So, instead I sit here biting my
tongue, desperate for you to remember anything about me, about us.”
She swiped at a tear and then angrily pointed at the tears falling
down her cheeks. “And this! I FUCKING hate this. When I’m angry I
cry and I know what I must look like. But I also throw shit and say
things I don’t mean.” Turning on me she hissed, “Remember anything
yet?”

Hot damn! She was a
firecracker with a submissive side.
I
think I’m in love!
Fuck. Focus.
“Cassidy, I’m sorry.”

She inhaled and exhaled a
big breath before she grabbed her purse. “I should go.”

I jumped off the bed and
blocked her path. “No. Please don’t go.” I tried to touch her, but
she backed away and I took a step closer. She had nowhere to go.
“Please stay.” I wiped the last remaining tear off her cheek with
the pad of my thumb and licked it away.

“
Don’t do
that.”

“
Do what?” I pulled my
thumb from my lips as I savored her salty tear.

“
That! Wipe my tears with
your thumb and then lick it.” I was a little confused when it
dawned on me that it must have been something she was used to me
doing. “It gives me a glimmer of hope that you remember, when you
don’t.”

Damn. Everything was so
messed up. “Cassidy, will you sit with me on the bed. I don’t want
you to go.”

She looked to the small bed
and then back to me. “There’s hardly room.”

“
We’ll make room.” I took
her purse and set it back down before taking her hand in mine. I
sat down on the bed and moved as close to the other side as I
could. Patting the space next to me, she sat down awkwardly.
Laughing, “You can come closer. I won’t bite…”

“
Unless I ask. I know.”
Her tone had me smiling as she settled in next to me. “I miss your
mom. More than you know.”

I put my arm around her and
we sat hip to hip and side to side. “Strangely, that makes me very
happy.”

“
I don’t know that it’s
strange.”

“
Yeah, well. I just know
that if you two were close then I made the right choice.” She
turned and smiled at me. Before things had a chance to get
uncomfortable, she dropped her eyes and put her head on my
shoulder.

Softly, she said, “I’ve
missed you, too.”

It was the oddest feeling
because I felt the same way. How could I miss someone I didn’t
know? “Did I handle her death badly?”

“
Um…badly is an
understatement.”

“
Oh, boy. I don’t think I
can handle that discussion. Tell me about her service.”

“
Are you sure?”

Nodding, I replied, “Yes.
We’ll save my deplorable behavior for another time.”

Snickering, she said,
“Ok.”

I reclined the bed a little
as she laid in the crook of my body. She began describing in great
detail the beautiful ceremony. Apparently my mother had planned the
entire thing out in advance. That was so her, planning every single
detail, no matter how minute. Cassidy had dozed off and I was
staring at her left hand as it dangled over her side. There was no
wedding band on her ring finger. I looked to my own and saw the
same thing. Maybe we’d both lost them in the accident. I couldn’t
imagine not giving my bride a ring. My stomach grumbled and she
started to wake.

“
You hungry?” She looked
up to me sleepily, “Did you eat dinner?” I shook my head. “James,
you need to eat. Did they bring your dinner?”