Letting You Go (23 page)

A
lex looked at the empty gazes of the two sculpted Valkyries flanking what was to be the boat race’s finish line on riverbank. Alex had dressed up as a Valkyrie once in college to go collecting for the Air Ambulance.
Wings
had been the theme. Finn had waddled around town shaking his bucket in a creepy
Wizard of Oz
style winged-monkey suit. But the Vikings held that the Valkyries, with their swan feathers and swords, were otherworldly, steadfast, unyielding beings. The deciders of those who would live or die in battle. Alex had rather fancied the idea of shaking her bucket as an otherworldly, decisive being.

Alex slowed automatically on the approach to the bend outside The Cavern as Ted had always insisted she do, just to be safe. She cleared her throat and ignored the Valkyries.
Decisive. Steadfast.
Had she been having a laugh? She couldn’t even keep her emotions in check. It was like she had no control of herself when she was back here. Seventeen again, incompetent again, floundering in the current.

Alex pulled into The Cavern car park a bit too sharply, the speed-bump that hadn’t used to be there sending her bouncing
around violently in her truck. Alex’s heart was instantly thumping. She slapped a hand against her steering wheel and let out an embittered sound.
Sorry. SORRY!
It was such a small word she’d never been able to present it to her dad. It would be like offering one of the families at the food bank a vol-au-vent and expecting it to fill them up. So she’d just always let it sit there, stuck in her throat instead, a weak little sound she was too ashamed to make in front of him.

Valkyrie. Ha!
What the hell had Finn ever seen in a wimp like her? Finn didn’t shy away from anything. But Alex? Oh
yes
, with Alex there were
always
conditions she now realised. Apologise? Sure, if she knew her dad would accept it. Talk to Finn? No problem, so long as it wasn’t out in the open where people could see it and question it and hold it up as proof that she wasn’t
that
sorry for what had happened at the Old Girl.

Alex looked past the uneven white walls of the pub to the welcoming glow of light spilling from inside. She realised now that nothing she did would ever be enough to change anything between them. And that was fine, because she understood. She did a terrible thing, and she was sorry for it. She’d been sorry for it every day for the last ten years. But whether he accepted it or not, whether he wanted to even
hear
it or not, she was finally going to say it to his face. Right now. Inside this pub.

Alex slammed her door and stormed past her father’s recovery truck across to The Cavern’s rear entrance.

The sweet aroma of ale and people hit as soon as she
walked into the commotion of the bar. Hamish was laughing heartily behind the draught pumps, a plait had appeared in his long red beard. She looked away before he could spot her and call a hello. The pub was thick with people. Alex might’ve recognised many of their faces if she’d bothered to look at them, but she was only looking at the far stairs leading up to where the old boys still held backgammon and poker nights. The same poker night Finn’s dad had been in such a rush to get to when he’d hurriedly signed off Helen Fairbanks’ car.

Alex felt the resolve slipping from her heart so she skipped up the stairs two at a time before there was no resolve left at all. She barged through the doors into the upstairs bar and glanced across the cosy space, gentle laughter and male conversation giving the gloom a tavern-like ambience. Alex spotted him, sitting beneath a gallery of the pictures chronicling past boat races, elbows on the table as he sat nursing a stack of counters. She weaved her way amongst a couple of bar tables, older men in twos and threes sitting hunched over chess and chequers.

The man sitting next to Ted looked up at Alex then jabbed her dad with an elbow. He nodded over to her as she stalked towards them. Alex saw him push the glass away across the table towards the man opposite him. Was he
drinking
? Was coming home such a push that she’d driven him to
drink
?

He wouldn’t look at her, he was the only one at his table who wasn’t looking at her. ‘Go home, Alexandra. I’ll be along shortly.’

He still wouldn’t look at her. Alex felt her lip tremble like a little girl’s. ‘You said nine o’clock. I cooked,’ she managed.

One of the men at the table was trying to be funny. ‘Uh-oh, Edward. I do believe you’re in trouble, old lad.’

Another piped up from beneath his flat cap. ‘Run along, Ted. Your dinner’s ready.’ A ripple of harmless laughter broke out amongst them. Harmless and jagged all at once. Something hardened inside her. Alex watched her father, saw his mouth hitch up with an unsure smile, like he was the child trying to save face in front of his friends.

‘We need to talk.’ She heard the tremble in her own voice.

‘I said I’ll be along shortly.’ He looked at her then, a father’s warning. It might have carried enough weight too, but then he picked up the dice and sent them tumbling across the red felt of the backgammon board. One flick of the wrist and he’d dismissed her, given her all the reason she needed to scuttle back off like the coward she’d always been.

Mum needs us, Alex Foster. You will not run away from this.

She reached between the shoulders of the two strangers sitting in front of her and, without thinking, flipped the edge of the backgammon board violently into the air. Ted caught the board awkwardly but the counters had all gone tumbling to the floor, a couple of pint glasses with them.

The sounds of men erupted around her but her own biting hurt had her in a tighter grip than anything they could muster.

‘You won’t come home until late every night, Dad. That’s fine! You don’t want the muffins I bake and bring down to the garage for you because you’ve seen me talking to Finn in the street,
that’s
OK too! I understand! But I’ve spent
two
hours cooking you a meal tonight that you said you’d be home for and you don’t even show up for it.’ They were all staring at her now. They saw her now. She could feel angry tears, damn it, they probably all thought they were for a piece of slow-roasted beef. She wiped a sleeve rattily across her cheek. ‘I’m sorry, Dad. I’m sorry for what I did, for letting you down. For letting my brother down. And I’m sorry I left him on his own for just a few stupid, stupid minutes. I’m sorry that you can’t come home and talk about Mum now because that means talking about Dill too. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dad.’ She was losing it.
You’re losing it, Alex.
She sucked in another broken breath. ‘And it’s all right that you hate me … I hate me too. For what I did. And I don’t expect you to feel any different towards me now, but I just wanted you to know that …’ Ted was looking straight at her, cold fox like eyes carrying as much despair as Alex was. She could feel it all about to drown her out. ‘I’m
sorry
, Dad. But I lost Dill too.’

‘C
ome on in.’ Susannah Finn had a calmness that reminded Alex of her mum. Good in a crisis, slow to judge despite everything her son had put up with as a result of a teenage romance with the wrong girl.

Susannah had just been locking up the front doors when Alex turned up wielding nothing but a bank card and an apology for disturbing any Longhouse guests so late.

‘I’d say I’ll put the coffee on but I’ve just had Finn put me in a new drinks bar,’ Susannah said proudly waving her hands at the extension she was leading Alex into. Alex hadn’t had chance for a full tour when Finn had talked her into helping him coax Emma to stay.

Alex hadn’t thought about the logistics of turning up here with Finn around. Hearing Susannah talking about him already, maybe it was best if she found somewhere else tomorrow. There were other places she could go, only whether or not they were taking bookings this close to Viking Fest was another thing altogether.

‘And you can put that bank card away.’ Susannah patted one of the stools and nodded at the smoothed section of
tree trunk Finn had fashioned into a long rustic bar. Alex sat dutifully where she was told while Susannah took down two cocktail glasses from the shelf behind her. Susannah chuckled as she put them down on the wooden bar top, they had little Viking horns poking out either side. ‘For the tourists.’ She smiled, pushing her dressing-gown sleeves up her arms. ‘Now I’m not a big drinker, you ask your mother, so what shall we have?’ Susannah clasped her fingers together like an emphatic science teacher about to concoct something in a test tube. Alex looked over the timber frame extension Finn had built onto the back of Susannah’s lounge. She could just see a light on in the summerhouse across the lawn where Finn was now living.

‘Ooh, we’ll have a drop of that, and a nip of that one … There you go. Try that, young lady.’

Alex took a sip. ‘
Wowsers.
That’s … unusual,’ she sputtered.

‘Mmm, I like it!’ Susannah declared. ‘Tastes a bit like my fabric softener. Yummy.’ Susannah squinted her eye and poked her tongue out. ‘Maybe I’ll just put a pot of coffee on. Before I kill one of us.’

Alex tried another sip out of politeness. It was harder to swallow now her stomach knew what to expect. Susannah took it off her. ‘For Heaven’s sake, stop worrying about offending people. It’s a ruddy cocktail.’

‘Sorry, Susannah. I don’t really drink.’

‘And I’ll bet you never drink cocktails when you do. You never were a girl for all the glitzy nonsense, Alexandra.
Not like the others who’d come calling for my Finn, not that he ever took any notice.’ Susannah pulled at one of her dangly earrings. ‘It’s one of the reasons I always liked you so much, Alex. And your sister, actually. None of that shiny polished business all these girls chase around after these days. I always preferred to see little girls with mud on their knees and grass in their hair anyway.’

‘Like Poppy?’ Alex smiled. ‘I saw her playing with Finn. She was holding her own.’

Susannah smiled. ‘Yes, like Poppy. I think Finn’s got another fan in that one. She’s going to be terribly disappointed when she clicks.’

‘Clicks?’

‘That Finn only has eyes for another girl.’

‘Oh,’ Alex said. The athletic brunette. Alex might need that drink after all.

‘He might have had his flings but you’re the one, you know, Alex. He hasn’t found another one since you left. I told him he might be in for a rough ride, the last thing I wanted for him was a repeat of the trifle incident, as I call it. But, as it turned out, Finn didn’t want to go upsetting your father about it anyway.’

‘Upsetting my dad?’ Alex heard the inanity in her voice. She had a ringing in her ears. She felt that dazed and confused feeling she remembered experiencing after emerging at 3 a.m. from the university nightclub a handful of times.

‘Well, actually that’s not wholly true. I don’t think Finn minded upsetting your father as such, it was just, well he
knew that the last thing
you
wanted was for your father to be upset. So, Finn … well I suppose he was waiting to follow your lead. Leave it to you to take the next step forwards.’

Only, Alex had never taken the lead. She’d cut Finn loose. Because her dad couldn’t handle the thought of them, even on a photograph together at Jem’s seventh birthday party apparently.

Susannah was watching the thoughts play out across Alex’s face. ‘You know, I’d always hoped you might come home for good, Alex. See where your paths led you both, now that you’re both a bit older, and wiser.’

Alex wasn’t wiser. She was just as clueless now as she was back then. Alex tried to hold it down but Susannah had already spotting it coming. ‘Now, then! There there, Alex, don’t let it all get you down. I wasn’t thinking of forcing you into marriage while you’re here!’

Alex tried to smile. ‘It’s not that.’

‘Well then, my coffee’s better than my cocktails, I promise.’

‘I’m sorry, Susannah.’

Susannah patted the top of Alex’s hand. ‘You’ve got
nothing
to be sorry about, Alex,’ she said firmly.

‘Yes I do.’ She’d never seen her dad not know how to react to a situation. He’d stood up, the backgammon board held awkwardly in his hands as the rest of The Cavern’s loft had fallen into silence. She’d apologised to them too. Maybe if she dished out enough apologies, one might stick somewhere.

‘Oh Alexandra. You used to be such a spritely girl. When you left here the other night, I said to Finn,
That girl looks like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and not just for her mother’s illness.
Even now, all these years on, Alex. It’s not right.’

Alex forced a smile, but it
was
right. And it was right that she didn’t go bothering Ted any more back at the house. That was his domain; he couldn’t relax with Alex there. She could get her things tomorrow, while he was safely at the garage.

Susannah began fussing at the coffee machine behind her. Alex got a hit of fresh coffee beans. ‘You were well suited you know, the two of you. Finn’s a worrier too.’

‘Finn’s a worrier?’ Finn had always been so laidback, half the time Alex found herself glancing over at him to check he was still there, in the art block at college, on the riverbank through the summer.

‘He’s a terrible worrier! He just keeps it to himself, and very effectively too. He had a terrible time after his father left, as you know.’

Finn had never said much about his dad. Not like Alex, she’d talked Finn’s ears off about hers. There was really only ever the one occasion Finn had openly spoken of his dad, and that conversation had nosedived into a confused, upsetting experience not helped by the fact he and Alex had both been naked at the time.

Alex remembered Finn’s body as he’d shook with
frustration. She felt a crazed sort of regret. ‘He didn’t really ever talk about his dad.’ Her voice came out scratchy.

‘Well why would he have? There wasn’t much nice to say about Martin. This is such a small town, Finn felt the burden of his father’s actions in more ways than was fair to the poor boy. Some of the children teased him at school, you know, about Martin caring more about his gambling than he did about his own son. How Finn’s father was the reason Helen’s daughter had to have all those terrible operations on her little legs and that Finn’s dad was going to be thrown in jail when the police caught up with him. I had to hear that from his class teacher, mind. Finn wouldn’t tell me what they were all saying. Didn’t want to upset me.’

‘Kids can be cruel,’ Alex agreed. Only it wasn’t just kids. After Dill’s accident, her dad had thrown everything he could at Finn, as if all the evils in the world had started with that one dodgy service on Helen Fairbanks’ car and with Martin Finn long gone it was only right that his son shoulder the blame for it all.

‘People, Alex.
People
can be cruel. I know human beings go bonkers for their own offspring and I suppose I’m guilty of that too but really, my son’s a good person. He always has been, even when he was little, Finn was such a brave little boy. It used to break my heart seeing him wait for his father to return. Christmas morning, birthdays, I lost count of how many times he’d be looking out the front window for him.’ Susannah’s shoulders dropped. ‘Martin didn’t deserve our son.’

Finn had told Alex how he’d had to love his father in secret. She wondered it Susannah realised just how much of a burden Finn had been shouldering.

‘Did Martin ever get in touch, after he’d left?’

Susannah’s eyebrows rose as she sighed. ‘He sent a letter once, when Finn was about fifteen. Said he was sorry for what he’d done. That he was trying to sort his habits out. But that we were better off without him. He knew he had a problem with the betting and he didn’t want it rubbing off on Finn. Shame his considerations didn’t run a bit deeper and him put aside some of his gambling money for his only child.’

‘Didn’t Martin pay maintenance?’

‘You can’t collect maintenance from someone who disappears off the radar!’ Susannah scoffed. ‘He’d promised Finn a little black puppy, the last of a litter up at the Rowland’s farm. Finn was so excited, Martin said he was going to collect it on his way back home the night Helen had her accident with that wagon, but Martin … never came back. Finn broke his heart for his father, and for that little puppy. I couldn’t afford to take it on. After Martin left, money was very tight. I got behind with the bills, and then the bailiffs started to come by. I’d hide with Finn in the back cupboard, pretend we were playing hide and seek until the knocking stopped. Then one day, he just seemed to click. Maybe I hadn’t laughed enough, or I hadn’t made it into enough of a game, but Finn refused to hide. He knew we were hiding from the men knocking on the door and he didn’t want to
hide any more. So he marched right up to that front door and threw it open, demanding to know their business.’ Susannah smiled with something pride-like and melancholy. ‘There were two of them. They told him they needed the bills paying. While I was pleading with them, Finn had gone to raid his penny jar.’

Alex thought of Finn, calm and clinical in Emma Parsons’ front garden, emptying his wallet. Finn wasn’t a helpless little boy any more. Alex glanced again to the lit window at the end of Susannah’s lawns.

‘Of course, they took most of what we had that day. But I’ve always wondered, had they not have taken the television, would Finn have spent so much time playing with his pencils? Would he be as good as he is now, if he’d have been sat watching hour after hour of brain-sucking kids’ shows instead of tinkering with his art things? Of course, it’d have been nice if they’d have left the sofa, mind.’

Susannah fixed the coffees and thrust one in front of Alex. ‘Milk and two sugars wasn’t it?’

‘You remember.’

‘I remember everything, Alex.’

Susannah was so like Blythe, just a few words in place of hundreds. Alex blew over her mug. Unlike back home, she’d only felt like a guest here for as long as it had taken Susannah to walk her through to the drinks bar. Now she was just Alex again, sitting across from someone who knew her well enough to be frank. ‘How’s your mother?’

Alex reached up to sooth the sharp pain she’d felt suddenly
in her head. ‘Not great. She thought she saw Dill yesterday.’

‘What?’

‘Helen brought her grandson in.’

‘Alfie?’

‘He does kinda look a little like Dill did.’

‘Yes. Yes he does.’ Susannah breathed in deeply. ‘I take it your father’s not doing too great either then?’

Alex shook her head. ‘You can stay here as long as you wish, Alexandra. I’ll find room. I’ll not have you thinking you need to go back and put up with Ted Foster’s mood swings because he thinks he’s the only person who’s ever been affected by a bad situation.’

‘It’s not that clear cut though, Susannah.’ Her dad wasn’t a bad person. Finn might’ve had a rough ride but Alex remembered a different time when her dad was different too.

‘Nothing is ever as clear cut at people like to convince themselves, Alex. Sometimes I wonder if that’s not why your father was so desperate for you kids to keep your distance from one another,’ Susannah said sourly.

‘What do you mean?’ Alex felt a small edge of betrayal. Susannah was not a fan. One blowout with her dad and Alex was open to hearing what Susannah thought of him. Alex was already wishing she hadn’t asked. Susannah looked off through the black glass towards the annexe. The lights were off now. Finn had gone to bed and so wouldn’t come over here to the barn. Alex eased down a little.

Susannah opened her mouth to say something and then
thought better of it, Alex could tell. Susannah had a second shot. ‘I just think your father was desperate to blame somebody for what happened at the river. And Finn fit the bill. I’ll never forget that day, when Finn came home. Eighteen years old and he cried himself to sleep that night like a little boy.’

Alex set her mug down and stared into it. ‘Finn didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was. I tried to explain to my dad, Susannah. But he saw us both covered in nettle rash, he thought—’

‘I know what he thought, Alex. And he was wrong. He was wrong to throw those sorts of accusations at the two of you.’ Susannah’s expression was deadly serious. ‘I wanted your father strung up for what he did to my son on your front lawn, but it was Finn who wouldn’t press charges.’

That didn’t surprise Alex one bit.

‘Your father had no idea what an effect Dillon’s accident had on Finn. Your mother did but then Blythe is a calmer, gentler soul. She knew about Finn’s nightmares. I used to find him wet with sweat some nights. We’d go for months and then another would hit.’

‘I’m sorry, Susannah. I didn’t know.’ Finn had never told her. Jem had suffered nightmares afterwards too. Their mum had taken her off to a psychologist because of her sleep problems. Alex felt a searing pain in her chest. The ripples of that summer afternoon were endless. ‘I’m sorry, Susannah,’ she said again.

Susannah was watching her intently across the counter
top. ‘I know you are, Alex. Everyone in this town knows you are, sweetheart. You could go and get yourself one of those golden flags with the dragons’ heads off Eilidh high street wave it in the air, and shout how sorry you are, and it wouldn’t be any more obvious than it already is just looking at you. But you’ve got to let it go now, my darling girl. Before there’s nothing left of you except for how sorry you are.’