Authors: Nora Flite
Are
my memories so muddled, that I'm forgetting what the girl I used to
love was actually like?
Maybe
I've turned her into an entirely different person... But why?
To
cope?
Bethany
looked my way, the subtlest of movements. A cat could have adjusted
its ears and been more obvious. Noticing how I was staring must have
pulled her out of her bliss.
There,
again, I see it. When she looks at me, there's an awful sadness
there. A vulnerability that I can't...
I
don't want to understand.
But
maybe I need to.
It
reminded me of that horrible day, seeing how she stared at me. To be
so raw, so truly torn apart by what was in her heart.
I
knew that look, it had haunted my nights for weeks.
No,
I
realized with shame,
months.
I dreamt of Bethany for months.
I
was still dreaming of her when she and Nicholas were apparently
getting together.
My
mouth went hard, coiling into a wrinkle of ugly distaste. I knew I
had to look resentful, how could anything else be reflected on my
face when I thought about... thought about...
Bethany,
in spite of my clear emotions, didn't look away.
Just
as she hadn't that day, a time that felt so long ago.
Six
Months Earlier
“
Are
you sure you don't want to come tonight?” The question came
from my roommate, Carlo. He was stretched out on the old sofa that
we'd found in the back alley when we'd moved into our apartment.
We'd
only graduated two months ago, but Carlo had immediately gone back
home. Without a job lined up for either of us, it had seemed only
natural to flee with our tails tucked
I,
however, had no intention of leaving the state.
With
help from my grandparents, I'd managed to wrangle the apartment, and
convinced Carlo to come back out to LA and move in with me.
It
was an easy enough transition. Carlo had been my roommate in the
dorms. Seeing that we managed to get along smoothly, we thought each
other to be the perfect match.
Much
better than strangers, anyway.
“
Yeah,”
I said, glancing at him while his dark eyes followed me around the
living room. “Bethany is flying in today, I need to go pick her
up. Didn't we already go over this?”
“
Yes,”
he admitted, crossing his ankles, sinking deeper into the cushions.
“But, you never gave me a reason why you couldn't take her to
karaoke after picking her up.”
Sighing,
I rubbed the side of my neck. “Look, last time, she didn't
exactly enjoy herself. She probably won't want to go back, and I sort
of need her to have a good time this round.”
Lifting an eyebrow, like he had gleaned the first hint of how to
solve a puzzle, Carlo frowned at me. “You need her to have a
good time? Does this have anything to do with the fact you two have
been, what's the word the ancients use? Fighting?”
I
grimaced. “We aren't fighting.”
“
Listen,
a kid can always tell when their mom and dad are fighting,” he
said, steepling his fingers together.
Rolling
my eyes, I leaned on the wall, checking my watch. “We aren't
your parents, Carlo.”
“
When
were you going to tell me that?” He gasped, mockingly covering
his mouth. When I finally cracked a smile, he sat up with his own
cocky grin. “So, for real. What's going on with you guys?”
I
didn't want to have this conversation, but at the same time, it was
difficult to resist Carlo and his blunt questions. “We... we're
sort of having some disagreements on things lately.”
“
Such
as?”
“
Bethany
was... supposed to move out here. At least, that was what she told me
the plan was.”
Carlo
smoothed his short hair with a palm, his tone going soft. “But
that isn't the plan now, is it?”
“
No,”
I agreed reluctantly. “It doesn't seem to be. She's stressed
about—she thinks I'm not working hard enough, that if she comes
out here, it'd be too big a risk.” It all spilled out in a
rush, a water balloon that had been punctured.
He
straightened on the couch, staring at me curiously. “So she's
decided you aren't worth the risk.”
I
had no response to that.
“
Mn,”
Carlo mused to himself. “You're hoping to prove to her while
she's here that it is worth it, I take it.”
“
That's
what I hope, yes, okay.”
“
How
long is she staying?”
“
I'm
not sure,” I admitted, shrugging into my ears. “She
didn't say. This was sort of a spontaneous visit. Bethany can only
afford to come out here a few times a year. She came for graduation,
so coming back so soon is kind of strange.”
The
way she sounded when we talked was odd, too...
My
friend stood, moving over to me until he could grab my shoulders. It
surprised me, made me tense up uneasily. “Deacon, listen. It's
not my place to pry—”
“
But
you will anyway.”
“
—
Bethany
and you seem to be in a sort of... shaky place. And if I'm honest,
you've seemed that way since I've known you.”
Wrinkling
my forehead, I fought down a flicker of defensiveness. “What?
No we haven't.”
“
No?
What do you call her chiding you over your homework not being done,
or lecturing you over your grades?”
“
She
just wanted me to do well,” I mumbled, looking away from his
intense dark eyes.
Carlo
squeezed my shoulders hard, drawing me back to him with a wince. This
time, I recognized the concern in his face. “Deacon, you
obviously don't want to hear this. I don't think you ever did. But
Bethany is... she isn't that nice to you. I mean, she's pleasant
enough, but I have to admit, she hasn't struck me as very
supportive.”
“
I
don't need support,” I blurted, untangling myself from his
hold. Carlo dropped his arms to his sides, not hiding his hard scowl.
“
I'm
only trying to help you, man. She's your first girlfriend, maybe you
just don't have the perspective you need to understand... but people
who date, who say they're in love...”
I
blushed, realizing he had heard her and I whisper that to each other.
We'd both tried to keep our public affection hidden.
Did
I want to hide it? Or was that her request?
“
...People
who do that,” he went on, softening his tone, “they're
always there for each other. They don't pick on each other, even if
it seems to be for a 'good reason' or something.”
Inside,
I knew he meant well. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, though. The
very idea that Bethany wasn't good for me was too much, like lemon
juice on a scraped knee.
Unable
to handle it, I turned away, heading upstairs towards my room in
silence.
“Deacon,” he said behind me. I paused on the steps. I
didn't allow him to say more.
“
You
don't know her like I do,” I muttered, acid edging in on my
tongue. I couldn't even look at him, I felt awful for denying his
help. I had to defend this, though. If I didn't, I might see the
cracks in what I felt was a perfect relationship.
He
was silent in the wake of my cold shoulder. With nothing but hot
shame burning the back of my neck, I vanished up the stairs.
****
The
flowers in my hand shook, my grip too tight from nerves. They were
her favorite, pink tulips; I'd made sure of that much.
I'd
planned it out in my head. When she came down the escalator, I would
walk up behind her, surprising her with the flowers and a kiss. I
needed to be smooth, to be perfect.
I
just had to be.
The
moment I glimpsed her blonde hair, my already fast beating heart
began to swell. The fear of the performance, of avoiding any mistake,
roiled in my blood.
You
can do this, just be patient.
Bethany
stepped off the automatic stairs, a small bag in her hand. As she
passed me, I held my breath, forcing myself to count a few beats
before I followed behind.
Amazingly,
she didn't sense me until I tapped her shoulder, flashing the tulips
into her surprised face.
“
Deacon!
Oh, you didn't have to get me these.” Her smile was tight, on
the verge of breaking. I ignored that, I ignored anything that could
even hint that she wasn't delighted by me.
Taking
her hand, I wrapped her fingers around the stems. Leaning in, I
pressed a gentle kiss to her rosy cheek. “I didn't have to, I
wanted to. How was your flight?”
“
Oh,
fine,” she mumbled, her gaze drifting away as we began walking.
“Long, I had a dumb layover in Phoenix. I could see the heat
waves outside through the windows.”
“
It's
pretty warm here, too,” I laughed. “Let's get your
luggage and head to the car, I'll blast the air conditioner.”
“
Oh,”
she mumbled, tripping on her tongue. “I uh, didn't... we don't
need to do that, I mean.”
Stopping
on the tile, people brushing around me, my eyes fixed on her
dubiously. A rush of nausea hit me, her guilty face too plain. “You
didn't bring any luggage? Bethany, how long are you staying?”
Her
toe dug at the floor. “Just the weekend.”
It
was like being kicked in the gut; my whole body felt cold, my muscles
tight like I'd been running. I knew what this meant, my brain was
burning to inform me.
She's
not here to see me, to fix things... she's here to... to...
“
Hey,”
she said, cutting into my thoughts. “Relax, I just—let's
just worry about that later. Okay?”
Worry
about what she's going to say to me before she leaves, worry about
that later? Haha, does she think I can brush it aside?
“
Yeah,”
I said, feeling like a coward. “That's fine. You're right.
Let's just go back to my place, we can get some food.”
Her
smile didn't reach her eyes, and I was acutely aware of the gap of
space between us as we walked out of the airport.