I clench my jaw, absorbing the blow from his words.
“You caused all of this. You and Mikayel. I’m just trying to clean up the mess.”
“She’s not the danger.”
“Isn’t she? She’s drawing out the Beast. It’s a matter of time before Aydan is consumed. And all because of her.”
“You lie.”
“Who do you think has the power to bring the Beast, Zanethios? Why are you so blind?”
I take a step closer to Caim, fingering my sword. My legs, arms, tremble with rage. “I see the truth more clearly than you,” I say through gritted teeth.
“You’re nothing but a traitor, Zane. A blind, ignorant traitor.”
“I’m not the one trying to kill an angel. Or allowing Azza to kill my brethren.” I close the distance to him. “Tell me Caim, what has Azza offered you to turn your back on Celestium?”
Caim growls, barreling into me. He slams me against the door frame, pulling his sword. I break free from him, leveling my weapon against his neck.
“Zane!” Cass rushes into the room.
I have no time to listen to her reason. I push in the blade and a small trickle of blood seeps over the metal. Caim stills, his eyes smoldering with fury.
“You have no idea what you’re doing, Mediator.” Caim takes a step back, his arms open in submission.
“Zane, stop!” Cass lays a hand on my shoulder.
I ignore the calm floating from her. I don’t want to release this anger. I need it.
You aren’t helping Nesy this way. Stop.
My pulse roars in my ears.
I believe you Zane. About Caim. I believe you.
Time clicks by too slowly.
But you have to let him go. For now.
My lungs scream for air and I lower my sword an inch, inhaling a sharp breath. Caim rushes forward, pushing me to the ground. A vortex opens. Caim jumps into the swirling tunnel as Cass watches him go.
“Azryel’s Wings, Cass. You let him leave.”
“It’s fine.”
I glare at her, speechless. Too many thoughts rush through me. Too many words, accusations weigh heavy on my tongue.
“Mikayel and Gabriel don’t trust him. They’re sending a team. Mikayel is leading them.”
Her words do little to calm me.
“I should be there. I need to—”
“No. You’ll make things worse. Trust me. You need to stay here.”
“Why,” I yell, my rage again rising. “Because I’m blind? Is this about my stupid disabilities again. Because—”
“It has nothing to do with that, Zane.” Cass straightens, her focus on me narrowing. “You’re in love with Nesy.”
I freeze, her words tearing through me.
“I’ve known for a long time,” she says.
I don’t know what to say to her.
“It’s okay. But you are too emotionally involved to see the truth now.”
“What truth? I know it’s Nesy. I know she’s more than human. I think she’s still angelic. That’s all I need to know.”
“And if she’s being used by Lilith? What then?”
I can’t stomach the thought. My last moments with Nesy stream through my mind. She wants to be with me, form a life together. With me. Not Aydan.
Not Aydan.
The thought is all wrong. My heart clenches and my pulse roars in my ears. Nothing could ever come between her and Aydan. Not even me.
What am I doing?
“I know you want to stay with her. But...”
“But what?”
“What if it’s a trick?”
I stiffen. I can’t, won’t, believe that. “Impossible.”
“Just listen. What if you’re right and she is Nesy? What if she really is still angelic somehow, and merely trapped as human?”
My muscles tighten, trembling slightly as Cass speaks.
“And what if Lilith knows this and is working with Azza to bring down Celestium. Wouldn’t she try to use Nesy any way she could?”
I release the breath I’m holding. “I don’t know.”
“Lilith could be using Nesy to trick you, trick Aydan. In fact, Lilith could be behind this whole thing. Along with Azza.”
I want to say something to prove Cass wrong. But no words will form. She’s right. Deep down inside, I know she’s right.
“So what am I supposed to do now? Ignore my feelings for Nesy? Her feelings for me?”
“She loves Aydan.”
“And me.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
I close my eyes to Cass’s truth.
“Look,” she says. “I know you want her to love you back. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. But before you risk it all for her, shouldn’t you make certain she wants this?”
“What are you saying? She asked, no begged, me to stay with her. She wants this.”
“And I know there are other factors to consider.”
“Like?”
“Like the fact that her memories of Aydan aren’t back yet. What happens when they come back, Zane? When she remembers Aydan and everything she’s felt for him. What then?”
Her words stab at my heart. My eyes fill and I turn away, unwilling to listen further.
“Zane. You owe it to both of you to make certain this is real first. Make sure she’ll choose you when her memories return.”
“So I’m supposed to wait while Caim is trying to destroy her and Lilith wants to use her?”
“Not exactly.”
I turn back to Cass, furrowing my brow. “What then?”
“Gabriel has other plans. He can teach you to retrieve her memories. He’s already trained me to assist.”
My mouth opens in shock. “Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?”
“There is a risk. If you’re wrong, if she’s a demon or if Lilith or Azza is controlling her, they will have full access to you. They’ll kill you. They’ll kill us both.”
Her words settle around me. I want this, need it. But the risk…I can’t let Cass do this. It’s my problem, my burden.
I look into Cass’s eyes, my thoughts at war.
“It’s okay,” Cass says. “I want to do this for you. For Nesy.” She closes her eyes and releases a heavy sigh. “Let’s go find Gabriel.”
I don’t know what to say. Why would she risk so much for me? Why would anyone? I turn, confused.
A moment passes.
And another.
I feel Nesy calling to me, remember the feel of her in my arms. I have to help her, if I can. “Cass?” I ask.
“Come on,” she says before I can say anything else. “He’s waiting for us.”
Chapter 32 – PENANCE
Aydan
I jam my key into the lock, unsure of how I got home. My mind continues to spin. I still can’t breathe, can’t fathom everything happening to me now. The Beast growls from somewhere deep within my soul, reminding me of my vows.
My destiny.
Nessa was right to leave. I can’t be trusted around her. I can’t be trusted around anyone any more. I should’ve ended my life that day in Germany so long ago. None of this would have happened. I would not be Azza’s pawn. Nesy would not have died. Nessa wouldn’t be…
I don’t know what Nessa is now. A conduit for Azza as Caim suggests. Maybe she’s just a girl I want to be Nesy. Either way, she’s gone now. And I’m left with a grief too painful, too overwhelming to endure.
I couldn’t take my life when I was an UnHoly, couldn’t fix the mistakes I had made. But I can fix things now. I can make certain Nesy never has to pay for my grievances again. And I can sever Azza’s ties permanently.
I can do all of this now. Me.
I stumble to the bedroom and sit. This isn’t what Gabriel wanted for me. This isn’t anything I wanted, not since Nesy’s return. But I see things more clearly now, and I know this is the only way. I have no other choice.
I open the journal, turning to a blank page. My breathing is labored as I try to explain what I’m about to do, try to justify the actions I have to take…
I know you won’t understand, Gabriel. Can’t understand. But I truly have no choice. This isn’t about despair and pain, though I feel both in ways I can’t begin to explain. This is about protecting Nesy. Humanity. Celestium. This is about removing the one thing that could give Azza the power to turn again to war—me.
I don’t make this decision lightly, nor do I make it without knowing the cost. The flames of the Abyss will await me. And I know it is nothing less than I deserve.
I take a deep breath, my stomach tossing as the realization of my decision weighs down on me. There is no coming back from this. I will finally have my end.
One I should have taken so many times before.
I turn the journal to a new page, contemplating one last entry I have to make. She’ll never read it, I know, but I still must say the things I’ve waited too long to utter.
Nesy, you are my love. Through time and history, there is none but you. I’m sorry I have failed you again. You, the one who rescued me over and over. You, the one who brought light into my ever-expanding darkness. You, the one who saw me as more than I could ever hope to be. I am not worthy of your love, your kindness. I chose a path that had but one ending—death. All that is left is for destiny to run its course.
Do not mourn for me. I deserve the eternity this act will bind me to. And you…you deserve to live a full life, mortal or immortal. One filled with joy and peace. One away from war.
I will always love you, Nesayiel of the Sentinals. No matter what I’ve become.
A tear streams down my cheek as I swallow back the tempest now surging inside. The Beast knows of my plans. It fights against me, setting my hunger aflame. My stomach clenches, demanding to be fed. I ignore the pain. My body tightens. Closing the journal, I walk to the bathroom, ready to do what I must.
I barely recognize the person staring back at me from the mirror. I’ve aged too much in this form. Dark circles speak of my sleepless night. My skin takes on a yellowish hue and my eyes grow dark. I look as tormented as I feel.
I open the medicine cabinet and take a razor from the shelf. It’s not a clean way of ending things, but the pain will quell the Beast long enough for me to finish what I must.
My hand shakes as I remove the blade from the casing surrounding it. My pulse begins to race and my heart slams hard against my ribs.
“Relax,” I whisper to the emptiness around me. But it’s no use. My body protests my mind as my instinct to survive springs to life.
My thoughts war, screaming at me to throw away the blade.
My hand shakes more forcibly.
My body begins to quiver.
My knees wobble.
Every thought swirls as images erode my determination.
Nesy’s death.
Azza’s triumph.
Armies of UnHoly killing humans. Killing Nessa.
The pictures overwhelm my mind and the blade drops with a
clink
to the ground. I grab the sink, desperate to regain control. But it’s too late. I’m lost to the visions surrounding me, torn over what to do. Nothing makes sense. Nothing feels right.
A heavy blackness envelops all that I am and I crumble inward, sliding down the wall of the bathroom. I pull my knees to my chest, holding myself together.
Useless.
There is no way to keep myself from shattering into a million pieces.
Nesy.
Her name permeates my thoughts. It comes softly at first, nothing more than a whisper in my heart.
The sound grows stronger and stronger, changing from a plea to a threat.
Nesy.
Nesy nesy nesy.
She wouldn’t want me to go through with this. But I have to. If I stay, if I give in to my fear, I will kill her for certain.
Or will I?
For a brief moment I contemplate other options:
Move away.
—
Azza will find me.
Make a new deal with Celestium.
—
The Beast will still come.
Kill Azza.
—
Only if I become the Beast.
There is only one option now.
I shove the other thoughts aside, my determination renewed. Grabbing the blade from the floor, I sit with my back against the sink. The tile is cold. The blade is cold. My thoughts…
Cold.
No more time to waste on what could have been. No more contemplations about a life I was never destined to have. Just the truth I’m too scared to embrace.
Again my hand begins to shake. Again my eyes fill with tears. Again, my mind searches for another path.
I ignore it all this time and focus only on protecting Nesy from everything I’ve become. Everything I am.
“For you Nesy,” I whisper. “I do this to keep you safe.”
My fingers tighten around the metal as I swallow back my fear. Turning my wrist, I stare too long at my vein. I inhale a sharp breath and push the blade into my skin, watching as it breaks through the surface. Crimson heat spills onto my skin and I look away, my mind blurring with each passing breath. I lift the blade and switch hands. A new cut across the other wrist. More ruby evidence of my life dripping to the tile. My thoughts grow more confused, more detached.
It won’t be long now.
I hear my pulse in my ears, slowing. My stomach churns as the Beast screams in protest. I hold my breath, waiting for the pain to end.
A moment passes.
And another.
My mind releases from my body.
My world grows black.
Everything grows cold as my life
finally
ends…
Chapter 33 – Conjure
Zane
Gabriel’s study shimmers in the late sun, casting hues of emerald and gold around the room. I follow Cass to the door, my mind lost.
Where are you, my angel?
Nesy’s voice is so strong in my heart. Every instinct screams at me to find her, hold her, love her.
“Are you ready?” Gabriel’s voice interrupts the movies playing out in my mind. My face flushes. “The fantasy will not be enough, Zanethios. You know this.”
I really hate it when he sees my thoughts. “Yes, Master.”
“Come,” he says. “I’ve been waiting for you.”