Authors: Jen Cousineau
After getting up the damn stairs, I stayed
leaning up against the doorframe for what seemed like forever. Each time I thought I could do it, my emotions got the best of me, and I would freeze with my hand on the door knob.
I hold my breath with my eyes closed as I turn the knob. The door swings open, and I take a breath. I can smell the perfume she had spritzed on right before we left for the contest. I can hear her light laughter
when we were getting ready together for our night out as official adults.
God, that laugh. I’ll never hear that laugh again.
I slowly open my eyes and instantly
inhale a sharp breath.
It’s all the same. Just as we left it.
Except, I no longer smell her perfume. Her laugh isn’t hanging in the air. I hesitantly move past the threshold and slowly make my way over to Eve’s bed. I’m surprised Mom hasn’t packed her shit up already. My eyes take in every aspect, memorizing as many details as possible.
The walls are a medium hued grey. Posters of hot men cloud her walls, where mine are of musicians and my favorite bands. Her multi-colored striped comforter is tangled into a ball on top of her bright blue sheets on her bed. Her school bag
was still resting where she threw it after school. Clothes littered her side of the room, where my side, not a thing was out of place. My light yellow and white down comforter forms to the mattress perfectly.
A framed picture on Eve’s black nightstand next to her bed catches my eye. It’s from our sixteenth birthday
. We were in front of our new beater car that Dad and Aedan gave us to share—a dark blue Saturn that we, uh...
I
still drive today. Smiles and surprise filling our faces as we embrace each other in shock, our foreheads are pressed together. The picture was captured at the perfect moment. Both of us were oblivious as we were captured in mid-jump from us hopping up and down in excitement.
Tears slowly make their way down my face as I reach for the frame
. Holding it in my hands, I stare at Eve’s face. My fingertips roam over her smile. I close my eyes and try to remember that day. Images of Eve helpless and in pain taint my memories of her. My eyes open wide in shock. I slowly crumple into a ball in Eve’s bed, pain radiating through me as I cry for my other half. Cry for my guilt of not being able to save her, to help her. I remember the fear and pain she endured while taking her last breaths. “It’s so unfair, Eve,” I cry softly into the room, hugging the picture to my chest. “Eve,” I whimper as my eyes start to droop, darkness takes over.
*****
“Eve,” I cry. “Eve!” Her eyelids flutter before one eye barely sneaks a peek of that beautiful cerulean blue my way. I hear her groan in agony as tears spill down her tan, dirty cheeks.
“They’re gone,” I sigh in relief. “But we have to get out of here.” Her eye flutters closed as she begins to take more shallow breaths. “Eve,” I cry as I shake her with my hands balled into a giant fist. Pain radiating through my right hand and arm. “Eve!”
Her eye barely opens, “Joey,” she mumbles. “I love you,” she forces a pained smile.
“Don’t. Don’t talk like that,” I say. Each breath is becoming harder to take than the last. “We need to get
help. We need to get out of here.” I choke on a sob threatening to break free.
“Shh. Joey,” she swallows loudly, “you’re going… to do… great… things,” she says between broken breaths.
“No. We! Eve, we!” I yell at her as my cries begin to takeover. “Eve… you’re my other half,” I end on a whisper.
A small smile tips her lips. “You’re my… better… half. Love… you,” she breathes, tears spill over the edge of her good eye before I don’t see that beautiful blue anymore.
“Eve!” I scream out as my body shoots up in bed. Sharp pains are taking over on both sides of my ribcage, stealing my breath away. “Fuck!” I wince as I try to catch my breath.
“Joey?” Aedan calls out as he walks into the now darkened room.
How long have I been sleeping?
“Hey,” I whisper back.
“You okay?” he asks as he makes his way to Eve’s bed and sits down next to me.
How can I be okay? I’m far from being fucking okay. I just nod my head and force a smile.
“No work tonight?” I ask puzzled. Normally, Aedan works the road on third shift. Looking at the clock across the room on Eve’s dresser, it’s clearly after eleven at night. I embrace the genuine smile I feel creeping on my face.
“What?” Aedan asks as he softly bumps his shoulder against mine.
“I remember when Dad made us move the alarm clock across the room because we always kept hitting the snooze or turning it off. God, we were always late for school
.” I laugh sadly at the memory.
“Yeah. He made me do the same thing. Until I walked over half asleep and ripped it right out of the wall
.” He laughs. “I woke up to a bucket of cold water that day.”
Our laughter dies down, and I rest my head on his
shoulder.
“You
wanna jam?” he asks with the sound of hope filling his voice.
“Nah,” I whisper. “I think I’m going to take a break from it for a while,” I tell him as my eyes stare into space.
“You’re too good to give up, Jo. Don’t—”
“Aedan, please…
don’t.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Sore.” I shrug.
“Yeah. That’ll take some time,” he responds quietly.
“Thanks, captain obvious.” I smile. “So… no work tonight?” I ask again.
“Yeah, guess not,” he shrugs. Irritation
laces his words.
“What?” I ask as my hand clasps
his arm.
“It’s nothing,” he says angrily.
“I call bullshit.” I deadpan. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“I’m not allowed to help on the case. They, uh…
caught me earlier looking through old reports,” he pauses, swallowing audibly.
“Okay…?”
“I’m on paid administrative leave. Captain doesn’t think I can follow orders and steer clear or some shit,” he snarls.
“Wait,” I grip his arm a bit tighter, “I’m confused. They said they knew you
, so somehow, this was to send
you
a message. Why wouldn’t they let you help?”
“It’s all about the fucking tape,” he growls as he rubs his left hand down over his face.
“Tape? They recorded it?” I shriek.
I can feel Aedan’s shoulder begin to shake with what I can only assume is silent laughter.
“Ugh! I’m serious Aedan! It’s not funny!” I swat his arm as I scold him.
“I’m sorry
.” He chuckles. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, shaking his head slightly back and forth. “You’re right, it’s not funny. The idea that they could’ve royally pisses me off,” he spits. “The PD has their own regulations in events like this. Being I’m a family member, I’m obligated to share whatever I can that will help them build a case and discover leads, but I’m not allowed to be actively involved. Basically, they interview me, and contact me with questions anytime they have them, but I can’t help,” he says as if he’s reading it right from a rule book. “I can’t help,” he whispers, his voice cracking. He leans forward, causing me to lose my headrest, and then I hear him trying to muffle his cries. The bed slightly shakes from his sobs. “I can’t help,” he mumbles again.
My heart breaks seeing how torn he is about this. Those monsters stole my sister from us. They killed me. I may be here, but
inside, I feel like I’m dead. But now… now they’re hurting my brother. Tears fill my eyes as another piece of me quietly dies inside of me. My big, strong, outgoing brother is breaking down in front of me for the first time since I can ever remember.
“Aedan,” I whisper as I slightly lean forward trying to wrap my arms around him.
The pain causes me to wince and hold my breath. I sit back and softly rub my hand over his back in a back and forth motion. “It’s okay, Aedan. You tried.”
“I-I went through…
everything I could think of. I searched their names, nothing,” he whispers defeated. “Nothing came up with those names, not even Vincent or Anthony. That’s when the captain came in, and I couldn’t go any further.” He shakes his head before dropping it to his chest and allows the cries to consume him. “Joey,” he whimpers, “I’m… I’m so so-sorry.”
“Aedan, it’s
not
your fault!” I nearly shout at him. I’m pissed that anyone has made him feel this way.
Including me
. I am partially to blame in this.
“I can’t fix this, Joey. I can’t,” he shakes his head, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“Can you work from the sidelines? Can you think of
anyone
that might have a vendetta against you?” I fire off questions at him.
“Jesus, Joey
.” He signs. “I’m a cop,” he says firmly as he stands up and holds his arms out to his sides. “I piss everyone off who I have to write a ticket or haul to jail. Even if
I
don’t want to, the law says I
have
to. My
job
pisses a lot of people off. It can be anybody, Jo,” he says defeated.”
“So, Kellan’s on the case?” I try to change the subject but still
try to find some answers.
“No. He’s lead detective for the department. But being, the so-called message you were given pertains to me, DCI has taken over the investigation.”
“I don’t understand. DCI?”
“Department of Criminal Investigation,” he says almost annoyed as he takes a seat on the bed, resting his head in his hands. “This is now considered an internal case because somehow, I’m involved. So they took over the case, but Kellan will be kept in the loop.”
“Well, that’s shit! Kellan may be
your
best friend, but he’s a by the book kinda cop,” I say in aggravation. “Fuck,” I mutter as I slowly lay back down, sinking my body into Eve’s bed.
“Shit, Joey,” he mutters, “I
know
that. My hands are fucking tied.”
“I’m sorry
, Aedan. But you tried. That’s what matters, you know that, right?” Silence. “Right?”
“Yeah. Right. I’m going to head to bed, do you need anything?” he asks as he stands up and turns toward me.
“Nah, I’m good. You sure you’re okay?” I ask him, worry fills me to my core. His forehead is creased, anger filling his face, his body stiff with tension, unshed tears clouding his eyes.
“Yep,” he nods once. “Jo?” he nearly asks as he kneels down to the floor at the side of the bed
. “No matter what, I love you. And I’m so… fucking proud of you,” he says between clenched teeth, almost as if he’s in pain.
“Aedan…”I shake my head confused.
“I-I just wanted you to know that I’m proud of you. You fought like hell, and that took balls. I’m, I’m just proud of you. And I love you,” one corner of his mouth tips up just slightly as he says it, softening the edges of his face. He leans over and kisses my forehead before standing and walking toward the door.
“Aedan?” I whisper.
“Hmm?” I hear him say as I see his silhouette turn in the dark.
“I love you, too.”
I wake up to the sun shining brightly through the bright green sheer curtains Eve had picked out when we decorated the room. I slowly stretch out my arms and legs as carefully as I can to try to prevent any unnecessary pain to my body.
I
glance around the room and realize that I’m still in Eve’s bed. Just the idea of leaving her bed makes my heart ache. I lift my head slightly and peak at the digital clock across the room. 7:32 A.M.
Normally, Dad has already left for work, but I know he’s put in for FMLA leave temporarily so he can stay home with me. Mom wasn’t home at
all yesterday, at least not that I know of. If I were honest, that bitch can stay gone.
This damn cast is so itchy!
I need to find something to stick inside of it to scratch. I can’t wait for this damn thing to be removed. My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that I haven’t eaten since yesterday at breakfast before I was discharged. The idea of leaving Eve’s bed pulls at me inside, as if I’m leaving
her
. I don’t want to get up, but… I have to pee.
I slowly peel myself out of bed, feeling stiffness in every bone and muscle in my body. I let out a groan as I reach for my crutches and make my way to the bathroom.
As I head back into our bedroom, my digital piano keyboard on the far end of the room against the wall fills my vision. My fingers start to move against the handles of the crutches as if they were stroking the keys of the piano. Music starts to cloud my mind. I close my eyes to hold back the tears that threaten when I think of the last time I played.
My dreams killed Eve,
whispers in my ear. Opening my eyes, slightly shaking my head to rid myself of the thoughts that occupy me, I exhale as I head out into the hallway.
Slowly making my way down the stairs, I don’t hear anything.
Anything
. I’m surprised that I’m the first to wake up. Normally Dad rises with the sun. Finally reaching the bottom of the stairs, I make my way to the ugly sofa to rest for a minute.
Maybe if I just keep moving
, the pain and stiffness will eventually get better.
After a minute to rest, I stand up from the couch and go into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. Nothing beats that first sip of coffee in the morning. I’ve been hooked on it since I was sixteen, despite Dad trying everything he could think of to prevent it from happening.
As I stand and
stare at the coffeemaker waiting for it to finish dripping, my thoughts fall back to my conversation with Aedan last night. I feel horrible that he’s holding all of this guilt on his shoulders.
It’s not his fault!
I know this is going to be a rough road for him. It’s going to be rough for all of us, but Aedan
is
the job. He’s not
just a cop
—he
is
a cop. He lives it and breathes it. His job consumes him. The fact they pulled him from even going near the case when he feels so much for it has to be killing him.
Maybe, I can do something to help.
Maybe if I ask him to keep me company, maybe take me somewhere—although I don’t really feel like going out in public just yet. Hmm.
I peek out the kitchen
window, which has a clear view of the back of the driveway, garage, and most of the backyard. Both Mom and Dad’s cars are missing.
Where the hell could they be?
Maybe they both ended up having to work? I’m surprised Dad’s FMLA hadn’t been approved yet.
As the coffee finishes brewing, I decide to go wake
Aedan’s ass up and see what his plans are for the day. Our house is on the small side. Originally, the upstairs was my parents’ master suite, and Eve and I shared a smaller room as our bedroom with the room directly next to it being a toy room. My Dad had fixed up a portion of the basement so Aedan could have his own space down there. His bedroom and bathroom are completely finished, but the rest of the space hasn’t been touched, leaving open ceilings right to the beams and concrete walls and floors. Once Eve and I grew out of the ‘toy’ stage,
somehow
, Dad convinced Mom to let him remodel the two smaller rooms into a new master suite for them, allowing Eve and me to claim the upstairs.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I flip the light switch on and turn to the left where the basement opens to the unfinished
area. My eyes grow wide in shock, all breath leaving my lungs as if someone sucker-punched me in the chest. Fear and ice rush through me as tears sting my eyes. “Aedan!” I scream as my hand comes up to cover my mouth and I stand there in shock.
Aedan’s still body hangs from the rafters of the ceiling, a thick rope
wrapped around his neck. His lips are blue, his body still, his eyes focused on me.
I can feel my body shaking vigorously as I drop my crutches and limp-run to where he hangs. Searching around for something to use to get
him down, I keep talking to him as if he could actually hear me.
“
It’s okay, Aedan.” I try to stay calm and clear as I choke through my tears. “I’m going to get you down. I have to get you down.”
Looking around
, I see nothing that will be useful. I move as quickly as I can to the back of the basement where we keep everything for storage. I grab a black metal folding chair and make my way back to Aedan as fast as I can. Unfolding the chair directly next to him, I ignore every pain coursing through me and climb up to try to untie the knotted rope from the ceiling.
The severe shaking of my hands makes it nearly impossible to get a good grip.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, Aedan, it’ll be okay,” I repeat over and over as I struggle with the damn rope. “Aedan... somebody help me! Someone! HELP ME!” I begin to yell over and over again. “Dammit, Aedan. God damn you!” I scream at him as the rawness of the rope burn begins to set in against my skin.
I reluctantly pull my hands away when the realization that what I’m doing isn’t working. My body freezes next to him as I take in the scene in front of me.
As I hiccup on the sobs escaping my chest, my hands move to their own accord. I
know
he’s gone, but I check for his pulse, and his skin was cool to my touch. I pull him to my body and hug him, as I tell him how much I love him. Asking him why, even though I know he won’t answer me back. I tell him that I need him and that he had better take care of Eve. And then I just cry. I cry and cry, and when I think I’m finally done, I cry some more, the entire time, my arms are clasped around him. I don’t want to let go. I know if I do, it’ll be over. I’ll never see him again, except for when we bury him next to Eve in the ground.
I hesitantly peel myself from his body, and slowly make my way down to sit in the chair I’m standing on.
My breathing slows down as I bat away the evidence of tears staining my face. I feel empty inside as I try to grasp what I should be doing right now, my brain fuzzy and dazed. As my eyes dart left, then right, then up—seeing Aedan’s body still hanging, I quickly revert my eyes to the cold concrete floor and see a white envelope lying on the ground, just behind where he is now.
I can see that the front of the envelope is blank, and I just stare at it.
Is it a suicide letter? Is it an empty envelope? Can I handle what it says inside?
Taking a deep breath, I slip off my chair and reach for the envelope. Grasping it in my hands, my body begins to shake. I slip the envelope into the waistband of my pajama bottoms, and in a slow, zombie-like daze, I make my way back to my crutches as tears continuously flow down my face. Forcing myself to take deep breaths, I try to think what I should be doing right now as I make my way upstairs. Do I call 911? My brother is dead. The realization hits me hard and my breath leaves my chest causing me to collapse at the top of the stairs. Sobs rack my body, my breathing erratic, causing pain to radiate throughout my ribs.
“Joey?” I hear a voice call from behind me
, but I can’t catch my breath enough to answer. “Jo?” I realize it’s my dad when he turns my head to look at him. His hands frame my face as he squats down next to me. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“Daddy,” I cry. “Daddy,” I say again as I shake my head. How do I tell him that he lost
another
child?
“Jesus, Jo. You’re shaking,” he gasps, his brows pinching together. His thumbs rub softly against my cheeks. “Shh, Jo. Breathe, sweetie. Breathe in and out.” I do as he says a few times to get myself under control.
Be strong Joey
.
This is all because of you. You don’t have a right to fall apart
. I close my eyes as I take one more big breath. I open my eyes on the exhale, and I see fear in Dad’s eyes, probably wondering what the hell is going on.
“Daddy,” I whisper, “Aedan,” I pause shaking my head. My eyes
avert to the stairway leading down to the basement.
“What about Aedan, sweetie?” he asks softly.
“He’s gone, Daddy. He hung himself,” I barely get out on a whisper. I see the moment realization takes over. Tears cloud his eyes and his hands fall limp from my face.
I see my dad force himself to pull it together, his jaw clenched. His hands move to my shoulders as he tells me, “I want you to go into the living room and wait there.” We both nod as he helps me stand, handing me my crutches from the floor. I see him pull his cell phone from his back pocket as he races down the stairs.
Not being able to handle the reaction I know will soon come, I quickly turn and move to the living room. As soon as I reach the sofa, I nearly fall back, the feeling of something poking my waist reminds me of the envelope I found and had placed there earlier. My fingers are cold and my breath grows erratic from the adrenaline and fear of what’s held inside. Slowly opening it, I slip out the folded loose leaf paper and begin to unfold it.
If you’re reading this, then I’m no longer alive. I’m truly sorry for the heartache I know this is going to cause you. I’m also sorry for whoever is reading this, for you having to see me this way. But trust me, the other alternatives were not as graceful, and sights that no one should have to witness.
Joey, I love you. And
I loved Eve. It’s not fair that you both had to endure the brunt of such an evil and horrifying event so
someone
could settle a score with me. I wish I could solve that case. I wish I could help, but I went over everything I could and nothing has made itself known as a factor in it. I can never apologize enough for what you both have endured. I can’t take the nightmares that plague you in your sleep away. I can’t fill that hole that is deep inside of you that is slowly consuming and eating away at you. I can’t put the light back in your eyes. I can’t make you love music again. I can’t fix this. It kills me that I can’t and I know I will never be able to forgive myself.
I’ve always loved the job. I always sniffed in places I probably shouldn’t have. Being a part of so many aspects of the job, I’m not sure if the case is even solvable. This pains me
, because I know that you’re never going to feel safe until it’s solved.
The guilt is something that I can’t endure for a lifetime. I’m going to rest with Eve for a while until the day comes that I am reunited with all of you.
Mom and Dad—thank you for everything that you have always done for me. Thank you for showing me the type of man that I wanted to become, and thank you for loving me. Please, please don’t hate me for this decision. I know that you understand me when I say that the day Eve died, I died a little inside, too. But the day Joey told me why it happened—that completely destroyed me. It’s better this way, I promise. Please remember happy thoughts when you think of me.
Mom
—go easy on Jo. She’s one of the best people in my life. She’s a remarkable young woman, and I think you’d really like her if you gave her a chance. This is no one’s fault but my own. I’m the cause for all of this, and now I must make a choice.
I
choose death instead of living a dead life with guilt. Please try to understand that.
Dad
—I love you, man. You are and always have been one of my best friends. Thank you for being such a positive role model in my life. Thank you for always being there for Eve and Jo. I’m relieved to know that Joey will have you to help her through everything. She’s going to need you, Dad.
Please try to move on from all of this. Even if the case is never solved, move past it. Especially you
, Jo. Your music, that’s always been your outlet. Now’s the time that you should rely on it the most. Use it. I love all three of you more than you’ll ever know. I would never have been the same, happy, dedicated person I was before all of this happened. What’s worse than losing someone you love? Having them right next to you, but being completely empty on the inside. That’s why I’m doing this.
I love you all. Take care of each other.
Love Always from above with Eve,
Aedan