Life Is but a Dream (10 page)

Like all of the nurses and doctors, Mrs. Weaver is very good at not getting upset but I can tell she’s struggling this time. —
I’m going to ask you not to speak to me in that tone.
—

—
Then why don’t you stop harassing us.
—

—
I’m sorry? Harassing?
— she asks.

—
Yeah. You kept picking on Sabrina when she obviously didn’t want to talk anymore. Then you accuse me of wanting to kill my parents or something
— he says.

—
It’s okay, Alec
— I say because I don’t want him to get in trouble. If he gets in trouble, we’ll be separated. Even if it’s only for a few hours, I hate when we’re separated. —
It’s fine.
—

—
No it’s not
— he says. —
This whole thing is ridiculous.
—

—
Maybe it would be best if you left for the rest of this session?
—Mrs. Weaver suggests.

—
And maybe it would be best if you went off to teach grade-school art class
— Alec barks, but Mrs. Weaver is already walking away. She’s on the other side of the room using the phone on the wall to call the nurses’ station. —
I don’t even belong here! They put me in this place as a favor to my dad! Some favor!
—

The rest of the kids are staring at him—at us really, because I’ve locked my elbow in his hoping to keep him close the same way the mother in my art collage is doing with me.

When the door opens, the nurse has two security guards with her and Alec shakes his head. Once they approach, he throws up his hands. —
This is crazy
— he says. A guard puts a hand on his shoulder and asks him nicely to come along. —
Fine! I’m going. Happy?
— he shouts at Mrs. Weaver on the way out.

I want so badly to follow him but I’m not allowed. As soon as I take one step, Mrs. Weaver stops me. —
He’ll be fine, don’t worry
— she says to me. She sends me back to my station where I finish my collage without much interest. She doesn’t ask me any more questions. And when it’s time for me to go to group, she doesn’t ask for my picture. The only picture Mrs. Weaver keeps is Alec’s.

I follow the other kids out of the room. All of us have group sessions next and I shuffle a few paces behind. Even in the middle of their voices, I feel lost. My hand feels empty without the familiar shape of his long skinny fingers. The sooner he’s back at my side, the better I’m going to be.

They are talking about him—the two girls in front of me who I don’t know. I hear them say they were scared when Alec yelled. They don’t know he was only protecting me—that he would do anything to protect me.

Before we enter group, one of the girls turns around and stops me. —
You must have been relieved when they took him away, right? Did you see his eyes? I thought he was going to kill somebody.
—

Her eyes are the color of rust around the edges.

She has a habit of biting her nails until they bleed.

I shrug and avoid answering her questions.

—
You’re with him a lot, aren’t you?
— she asks. I feel small when she turns to stand in front of me. She’s so much taller—she’s a redwood and I am a sapling shrinking from her glare.

—
Uh-huh
— I mumble.

—
Thought so
.— When she nods, the longer strands of hair look like soft teeth chattering against the shaved parts of her head. —
I’d be careful if I were you.
—

The other girl stands with her hands curled into fists. She’s breathing sharp and fast through her nostrils. Her behavior gives the words she says next the ferocity of a dog bite. —
Alec is bad.
—

—
I don’t know what you mean
— I say as soft as a whisper.

—
She means just what she said
.
He’s no good
— the first girl tells me, pronouncing each word clearly.

—
Why would you say that?
— I ask. —
Alec would never hurt anyone.
—

—
Don’t you know why he’s in here?
— she asks in a high-pitched voice as if she’s just won a game of some kind. —
I bet he never told you, did he?
—

—
It doesn’t matter why
— I whisper.

All that matters is that we’re here and we found each other and understand each other as well as two fish forever swimming as one in a circle. That’s how perfect we fit together and that’s all that matters.

—
Well, he told me … our group anyway
— the other girl says. —
He talked all about it during our session yesterday.
—

—
You’re not supposed to say what others tell in group
— I remind her.

—
Yeah? Well, you’re not supposed to shoot no one either
— she says. —
You should know your new boyfriend planned on shooting up his school and half of everybody in it.
—

I shake my head violently.

—
You’re wrong
— I say. —
He’s here because people don’t understand him, that’s all.
— She shrugs and keeps walking to her group, talking loudly with the other girl again, and I’m relieved when they’re gone.

I go into group and take a seat in the circle. I try to ignore what they said. I try telling myself there are a lot of reasons why Alec might have said those things in group—why he would lie. Or even if it isn’t a lie, I’m sure he had a reason that those two don’t understand. Nobody but me would.

I hope he’s not in too much trouble. I’ve seen other patients yell at nurses and stuff. They’re usually put back into a regular routine by the end of the day. I hope it’s the same for Alec.

My fingers work over the sharpest edge of the stone in my pocket. It hurts quite a bit to keep scraping my skin against it, but already I can feel it wearing down. I’ll only have to suffer a little longer. It’ll all be worth it when my wish comes true.

*   *   *

Later in the afternoon, I’m out on the lawn when I see Alec coming. I’m sitting in our spot by the tree and he waves at me. I’ve been waiting for him and I hold my hand up quickly before putting it back in my lap. I need to see for certain that it’s still him before I let myself get too excited. I’ve seen how they change people here. There was a girl in the common room not too long ago who didn’t stop screaming because someone changed the channel on the television. When they brought her back, she was just a shell—a shadow of a ghost and nothing more. If that’s happened to Alec too, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Part of me knows how crazy it sounds because he’s walking and waving. But the other part of me can’t let go of doubt. Right now, that side is stronger. Every thought I have is more magnified today—especially doubt. Maybe it’s because my medicine is floating somewhere in the hospital’s plumbing instead of running through my bloodstream, or maybe I’m just anxious. Whatever it is though, today is a struggle to figure out what I believe.

A panic rushes through my body as he gets closer. My heart thumps and my hands tremble terribly. I bring them up to my face where I can steady the shaking by placing the corner of my sleeve in my mouth.

I remember my breathing then. I remember to take deeper breaths the way Dr. Gysion showed us before group once. He says careful breathing is a technique to relax us whenever we get worked up.

It helps.

—
Look … I’m a free man
— Alec says, holding his hands up at his side and spinning around once. The sun shines directly on him and his shape is lost for a moment in the afternoon light. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust and see features within his silhouette. Once they do—I see his familiar smile and my hands stop trembling.

Alec is still Alec even if we have been apart most of the day.

I stop worrying about what those girls said to me too. They’re wrong about him. I knew they were. I’ve always been able to tell good people from bad. Everyone’s soul gives off a light. Some are bright and soothing like shadows illuminated under a full moon. Others are the color of dark corners in basement closets.

I have nothing to fear from Alec.

His glow is blinding.

He sits next to me and immediately lies down with his arms stretched out in the grass behind him. The sun begins to warm his skin and he purrs. His rib cage shows through his T-shirt. I watch it rise and fall at a sleepy pace. —
That was exhausting
— he says.

—
What did they do to you?
— I ask.

—
Bored the life out of me until I thought I’d turn into stone
— he says. He opens one eye and looks at me. This time he’s the one having to squint to see through the glare of the sun. —
It took a while to convince them I wasn’t going to snap and go on a killing spree.
—

—
Is that because of what you did to get sent here?
— I ask.

Alec pushes himself on his elbows and looks at me curiously. —
Yeah. I’m sure it is
— he says in a more serious tone. —
Did somebody say something to you?
—

—
Kind of
— I say.

—
Yeah? What did they say?
—

—
That you were going to shoot kids at your school
— I say.

Alec blinks and I can almost see his heartbeat increase in the movement of his eyelids. —
Who was it? It was that psycho girl, Pam? The one with the shaved head?
— I nod and he shakes his head. —
Figures. She’s one of those girls who needs to stir things up, even if it means lying, you know? Everything that comes out of her is exaggerated for effect. People like her are why I did what I did in the first place.
—

—
What did you do?
— I ask.

—
Nothing really
— he says. —
One day in class, I just said that most everyone at my school might as well already be dead and that killing them would be doing the world a favor.
—

I hold my breath for a split second before exhaling. —
But you didn’t say you wanted to … kill them?
—

—
Not at all. I was just making a comment
— he tells me. —
It wasn’t like I had some plan to go in there with a gun and kill people. It’s ridiculous how everyone reacted. It’s like they never heard of freedom of expression.
—

—
You told me they sent you here because you didn’t fit in with the others
— I remind him. I don’t want to believe that Alec would lie to me, but I need to make sure. —
Why didn’t you tell me about this?
—

—
Because
— he says, and lies back in the grass again and closes his eyes. When I don’t say anything, he squints up at me. —
I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was a big deal. God! Now you’re mad at me?
—

I shake my head. —
I’m not mad. I just want to know, that’s all
.—

—
I hate this
— he sighs. —
I hate that I could be sent to a place like this for just saying something. I hate that because my parents have all this money and privilege that they could convince whoever they needed to that their son has a disorder just because I think the kids I go to school with are stupid. And I really hate that now you might look at me different because some girl told it to you all wrong.
—

—
No. I won’t
— I say because I realize now that he didn’t lie to me. He’s told me this before. He told me exactly what happened, at least the way he saw it. It’s the same as I’ve told him. —
It’s okay. I believe you.
—

Alec turns to look at me, thanking me with his eyes before telling me more. —
You know what the worst part is? The angrier I get about it, the more they say it just proves that I belong here. Like today with Weaver and before with my group doctor. They keep trying to make something out of nothing. They say I’m showing a pattern of behavior or whatever. But that’s only because they refuse to stop searching for one and it makes me lose it. You can’t trust these doctors. You can’t tell them anything.
—

I know how he feels. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood. —
If you don’t want to, we don’t have to talk about it anymore
— I say.

—
But that’s the funny thing
— he says, sitting up again. —
I actually want to tell you. If there’s anyone who understands, it’s you.
—

There’s a moment then when neither of us says anything. It’s like the moment in my dream just before our skin touches. There’s something pulling us closer together. There’s no way to stop us from connecting—it would be like trying to stop the waves on the ocean.

—
Tell me then
— I say. —
What happened?
—

—
Well, I guess it wasn’t only because of what I said in class
— he says. —
The school searched my locker after that and found this list I wrote in one of my notebooks. It was a list of all the kids I hated. It wasn’t connected to what I said at all. I wasn’t going to kill them. But it didn’t matter because the school and the cops made all these connections that didn’t exist. It was out of control.
—

As he adds new pieces to the puzzle, I can’t help but think about what my dad would say. He’d think everyone else was right about Alec and that the real story was finally coming out. It’s like when I’d tell him the truth but not the whole true. He says partial truths are the same as lies. He’d want me to believe that about Alec, just like those girls after art wanted me to. But I don’t. I’ve known the truth about him since before we met.

—
They blew everything way out of proportion
— he says. —
I kind of knew they would as soon as I said it. I guess that’s why I said it in the first place. It’s like what you and I talked about the other day … trying to wake people up.
—