Life Is but a Dream (21 page)

—
Of course
— he says, and then his eyes open. —
I see it every time I look at you. It’s just that it seems so impossible.
—

—
It’s not.
— I pull out the last drawing I made from my desk. It’s the last one in the sequence I’ve been working on all day. It is of me and Alec on the beach—the place where we leave the world behind.

—
That looks like the beach in Santa Monica
— Alec says.

—
That’s where it is
— I say. —
Remember the Ferris wheel? You told me about it and we said that’s where our private world would begin?
—

—
Yeah, I remember
— he says. —
God, I’d give anything for you and me to be laying in the sand there right now instead of here.
—

—
Me too
— I say. —
If we could just get there … I know everything would be okay. But I’m scared we won’t.
—

Alec pets me, kissing my shoulder. —
Why are you afraid?
—

—
Because … I think they’re changing me
— I say. —
Sometimes, it’s like I don’t even remember who I was before and I think they want me to forget all about it. Also … I’m scared maybe they will take you away.
—

Alec wipes the red corners of my eyes, brings his fingers along my cheek before bringing his palm to rest on my naked leg. —
They’re not taking me away. Don’t worry about that
— he promises. —
I’ll always find a way to get back to you. I’ll do whatever … I don’t care. I’d kill them if they tried to keep us apart.
— A fierceness flares up in his eyes and I know he’s telling the truth. I know nothing will ever be able to stop him from being with me. And I think about what that girl said about Alec being bad and I realize she didn’t understand there’s a difference when a person does things that are bad for a good reason.

I lie down next to him, curling my body against the shape of his. I feel safe being so close to him. And when we close our eyes, I can tell we’re going to make it—we’ll survive when the rest of the world ends. Even if it’s a long way to wherever we belong, we’re going to get there soon. I already feel the future moving toward us like a nuclear wind, blowing closer with each passing heartbeat.

*   *   *

The door opens and a nurse enters my room. As soon as our eyes meet, she retreats. She is going to take him away.

Alec is asleep but wakes when I stir. —
They’re coming
— I whisper.

Time stands still while we’re together. Outside the window, leaves hang suspended above the ground. Trees bent by the wind stay bent. For those short minutes, we are immortal—out of the reach of time. But time has a way of speeding forward. It rushes at us like a car running a red light to collide with our bodies at rest.

We both hear the guards charging toward my room and Alec holds my hand. —
It’s okay
— he says when I start to shiver in his arms. —
Whatever happens, just remember it’s only temporary
.
Think about us on the beach and know that it’s going to happen. Okay?
—

—
Okay.
—

Nobody gives us a chance to explain why he’s in my room and how we need each other. Not the guards who take Alec by the arms and drag him from my bed. Not the nurse who gently holds me back.

The world spins so fast in those minutes.

I’m paralyzed by its force.

Nurse Abrams enters with two other women in blue scrubs. She drapes a blanket over my naked body and asks me questions. I can’t understand what she’s asking though because there is a rush of noise inside my head blurring her words together.

—
Better call Dr. Richards
— Nurse Abrams tells one of the other nurses. —
She’s going to want to contact Sabrina’s parents right away.
—

CHAPTER

FIFTEEN

After we meet with Mr. Harris, I want to go straight to my room but my parents say we need to talk. They make me sit at the kitchen table with them. They want to go over everything Mr. Harris has told them. —
I don’t think you understand how serious this is
— my dad says, staring at his computer on the table between us. Every time he catches a glimpse of me on the screen, he shakes his head.

—
Did somebody put you up to this?
— my mom asks.

—
Was it some boy?
— My dad’s fists rest on the table like hammers. Having someone to blame matters more than anything to him—even if it ends up being me.

—
Nobody made me do anything
— I say softly.

—
Why then? Why would you do this?
— My mom’s face is strained and exhausted. I want to tell her she should make some coffee but it doesn’t seem appropriate. —
I don’t understand. This isn’t like you.
—

—
I didn’t
— I say. I point at the girl twirling around. —
I didn’t do that. That’s not really what happened. It was … different.
—

My dad breathes out through his nose like an angry animal. —
I don’t care, we’re deleting this … now.
— He wants me to log in and make it all go away, but I can’t. The password doesn’t work and the email address for the account has been changed. My dad is furious all over again.

—
I told you … it wasn’t me
— I say.

My dad is already on the phone with the customer service number listed at the bottom of the site—pacing through the kitchen and muttering under his breath. —
I’m going to make them take it down one way or the other.
—

My mom is scrolling through the comments. After each one she reads, she makes a sound like she’s been stabbed. —
I can’t believe some of these things … who would do this? Does this have anything to do with what your principal told us … about the kids at school giving you a hard time?
—

I shrug.

—
Sabrina … why didn’t you tell us?
— my mom says. —
You didn’t say anything about having trouble at school. Is that why your grades have been slipping too?
—

—
No
— is all I’ll say because I can’t tell them any more than that. I can’t tell them about the invisible vultures I see or the noises that I hear moving through the walls. If I do, they will make me see more doctors. I don’t need doctors. Doctors make it worse.

—
That still doesn’t explain the video or what you were doing walking around topless at school
— my dad hollers. —
I mean, what the hell were you thinking? Do you have any idea how many creeps are out there watching this?
—

—
Honey, I don’t think losing your temper is going to help
— my mom says. —
It’s pretty obvious Sabrina didn’t upload it here … she can’t even log into the page.
—

—
Exactly
— my dad argues. Then he turns to me. He’s still on hold and waves the phone at me. —
This is exactly why we didn’t want you going on these sites in the first place. Things like this can happen and the next thing you know, it’s you who gets suspended from school. Don’t you get it? A suspension like this is severe. This goes on your college transcript. I have no idea how we’ll even begin to explain this.
—

They gave me a seven-day suspension for violating the school’s decency policy. My parents tried to convince Mr. Harris that I’m sick but he told them that he had no choice since I refused to help find the culprits. As a compromise, he agreed not to contact the police about the video even though he claimed he should since I am underage.

—
It doesn’t matter
— I mumble, and my dad’s temper gauge dials up another notch.

—
What did you say?
—

—
I said it doesn’t matter!
— I raise my voice even though they never listen to me no matter how loud I talk. —
None of that is going to happen. The storm will be here before then. It’s going to make everything go away!
—

My dad puts his face into his hands and wipes away his rage as best he can. He and my mother pass looks back and forth to each other and when he speaks next, his voice is calmer. —
Sabrina … what storm?
— I can tell he’s afraid of my answer by the way he chokes on the words as if they were smoke.

—
The one that’s everywhere
— I tell them. —
In the sky, in the air, the ocean … everywhere.
—

My dad hangs up the phone and my mom tells me I can go upstairs if I want. —
Your father and I need to talk about something
— she says. —
It’s okay. We’re not mad anymore.
—

I run away from the kitchen and up to my room. I fall onto my bed and fold my arms over my stomach. I stay perfectly still waiting for a dream to come—waiting for release and wondering why I’m the only person who sees the world closing its eyes and drifting off into a nightmare.

But it’s no use. The static has found a way into my room.

I press my palms to the walls and the wood breathes with the effort of something trying to get in. I tear at the pictures wallpapering my room—pages taken from magazines or paintings I’ve made. Under all of them, the static is hiding.

I know what to do by instinct. I take the markers from my desk drawer. My hands work fast and feverish to cover every inch of wall that I’ve cleared of posters now spread out in tatters over my floor. I draw with both hands trying to match the scribbles I’ve seen on the sky—making larger and darker circles that spiral out from the center.

When the bedroom door opens, I’m on the floor in the corner of my room. My mom stands in the doorway staring at the walls. —
Sabrina? What in God’s name is going on in here?
—

I stay curled in the corner, shivering in my underwear and holding my knees with ink-stained hands. She doesn’t see me right away—only what I’ve done. —
It was trying to get in
— I mumble. —
I was only protecting myself.
—

Her eyes stop roaming my room and settle on me. It’s like she’s seeing me for the first time—as if I were a stranger to her. Her anger about the mess soon dissolves and I see the confusion in her eyes when she bends down close to me. An hour later, she is on the phone with a psychiatrist.

*   *   *

In the Wellness Center examination room, my dad can’t stay still and paces endlessly. The dolls follow his movements without moving their eyes. My mom’s eyes shift as she watches him and I watch her. Dr. Richards watches only me. So do the cameras hidden through the room. But now that I know about them, I refuse to give them anything they can use.

—
Doesn’t anyone pay attention to what goes on in this place?
— my dad asks. —
For God’s sake, it’s a children’s clinic. How could you let this happen?
— His voice makes the walls shake. Invisible thought balloons float above his head filling with swear words he would never say in public.

Dr. Richards frowns apologetically at my mother. Her face has been frozen in the same guilty expression the entire time my parents have been here. —
I know this is upsetting for you both
.— The wrinkles around her eyes become more permanent and I think about the game Kayliegh and I used to play—trying to slap the other’s back to cause a silly face to get stuck there.

—
You have no idea how upset I am!
— My dad speaks through clenched teeth like a ventriloquist throwing his voice across the room. —
Maybe after I talk with my lawyer you’ll know how upsetting this is for us.
—

—
Kevin! Please try to calm down
— my mom pleads, grabbing his arm to get my dad to stand still for even one second.

He shakes her off.

His fury sweeps him back to the other side of the room where he pauses in front of the windows. From this new perspective, he glares at my mom. It’s one of his talents that he can change his anger as easily as changing channels on the television. My mom is his new target. He takes aim and fires words like a machine gun. —
I don’t understand why you’re not just as angry as I am. How can you just sit there after they’ve told us our daughter was found sleeping with some boy? The same boy who practically kidnapped her just a few days ago! We trusted that Sabrina was going to be safe here. They were supposed to be taking care of her, not putting her in harm’s way. The board should take their license … that’s what needs to happen.
—

I wish I could tell him how being with Alec is the only time I’m really safe. I can’t though. It has to be our secret. They wouldn’t understand anyway. They don’t believe in dreams. Alec says it’s because they’ve all been brainwashed. He says they could never see things the way I do.

They don’t have the right kind of eyes to be able to see the sky breaking apart and being put back together again.

Nobody asks me for an explanation. My parents can barely look at me even though I haven’t seen them in weeks. They hardly spoke more than a greeting when I came in. It’s like they’re afraid of me or don’t want me again until I’m completely changed. Maybe that was the deal when I was admitted—that they would only take back the new and improved me. Or maybe … maybe they’re just tired from spending all morning driving the three hours and eleven minutes up here.

It was barely dawn when Alec was discovered in bed with me. It was early enough that my parents would have been asleep when they were called. They must have left the house almost right away to get here so fast. My dad didn’t even shave—a shadow of a beard haunts his face. When I was younger, I used to sit in his lap and rub the scratchy stubble with the back of my hand and tell him —
You’re like a lion.
— Then he’d roar and I’d turn my head away giggling until he stuck his face against my neck.

I take my hand away from my mouth and reach out for him. I want to touch his face again and see if it will make time go backward.