I took long strides ahead of Chris and Sergei backstage, my skate guards clacking on the concrete. Before I could reach the locker room, Sergei called my name and ushered Chris and me away from the media and other skaters. Filling my chest with air, I slowly let it out and looked at him.
I was sorry I did.
He glared at me, his eyes a dark and stormy ocean about to drown me with his anger and disappointment.
“I don’t ever want to see you give up like that again. The lack of effort you gave was inexcusable. You fall, you fight through it.” Sergei turned to Chris. “I saw you fighting and pushing through. Emily apparently forgot how to compete tonight.” He shot his scowl at me again.
Every word hit me like a bullet, and all of my frustration and humiliation threatened to burst out in the form of tears. Don’t you dare cry.
Sergei towered over me, hands on hips. “What were you thinking about after you fell?”
I couldn’t decide if I should lie because he wasn’t going to like the truth. Figuring the situation couldn’t get much worse, I went with honesty.
“There goes our chance at gold.”
He rubbed his hand over his mouth. “How many times do I have to remind you that thinking about the results will get you nowhere?”
“I know,” I croaked.
“Do you? I don’t think you do. Maybe I need to repeat it a thousand more times because you obviously haven’t been listening.”
I fixed my eyes on the diamond pattern on his pale green tie. My chin began to tremble, so I gritted my teeth. Chris stepped closer to me and placed his hand on my back.
Sergei continued, “If you want to be the best in the world, you can’t afford to slack off one second of a program. Nothing will ever be handed to you, so you’d better work harder and give your absolute best effort every time you step on the ice.” He stopped to take a breath. “And you’d better show a lot more heart in Japan.”
The pools of water in my eyes prepared to spill at any moment. “Got it.”
Sergei marched toward the monitor to watch Claire and Brandon skate, and Chris touched my arm. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just need a few minutes.”
Inside the locker room, I dashed into one of the metal stalls and rooted with the flimsy lock until it latched. A cry escaped my lips, echoing off the tiled walls, so I covered my mouth with my hands. Tears poured from my eyes and trickled between my fingers.
Sergei was right, but listening to him berate me had stung my heart. The same voice that expressed affection to me every day had scolded me as if I was a disobedient child.
After a few minutes of body-shaking sobs, I repaired my splotchy makeup and met Chris in the corridor. He informed me Claire and Brandon had won, and we’d dropped to fifth place. An ABC reporter requested a television interview, so we pulled out our best media phrases.
“I just didn’t have my legs under me today,” I said.
“We’ll learn from this and won’t make the same mistakes at the Grand Prix Final,” Chris stated.
Chris took the lead and answered most of the questions from the print journalists, deflecting the attention from me. I thanked him and sighed with relief when we finally escaped the media and boarded the bus to the hotel.
Sergei looked up at me from his spot near the front, but I continued down the aisle. Chris followed me to the back of the bus and shared my seat.
“I’m so sorry about tonight,” I said.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“I let you down,” I said, leaning my head against the seat. “I let everyone down.”
He tapped my thigh. “It’s happened to all of us. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and try not to take what Sergei said personally.”
I squirmed and faced the window. Sergei seemed to have no issue compartmentalizing his feelings. How was he going to react the next time we were alone together? Would he act like nothing had happened tonight or would his anger spill over into our relationship?
In the hotel elevator, I positioned myself on the far wall from Sergei and let a group of people fill the space between us. The doors opened on my floor, and Sergei trailed behind my rolling bag.
I peered at him. “This isn’t your floor.”
“I want to talk to you.” His tone sounded much less severe than earlier. “ Em , you’re one of the most competitive people I’ve ever known, but you have to channel that in the right direction. I know how badly you want to win, but you’re not going to get there unless you put your focus on being the best skater you can be.”
“I know, and I’m trying my hardest to do that.”
“Well, you didn’t try very hard tonight. You gave nothing to the program, and you’re too good to be pulling that crap. The judges remember–”
The elevator chimed, and a pair of Chinese ice dancers stepped out. The dainty girls paid no attention to Sergei and me as they chatted and meandered down the hall.
Sergei waited for silence. “The judges remember that kind of stuff.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I shrugged in frustration. “I’m sorry I screwed up.”
“I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to show me from now on you understand what I’m telling you.” His volume level rose with each word.
“I understand what you’re telling me, but I don’t get why you’re still so mad.” My voice grew louder, too.
“You know the one thing I won’t tolerate is lack of effort. You could fall five times, but as long as you put your whole heart into it, I’m not going to be angry. You go out there and go through the motions, which is what I saw you doing, then we have a problem.”
I kicked a nonexistent piece of dirt from my bag. “I had a bad night, okay? I’m human.”
“That’s not acceptable. There are no excuses for giving up.”
I gave him an unwavering stare. “You can be sure it won’t happen again.”
“It better not.”
Our eyes stayed locked on each other, neither of us uttering a word. Normally, a lingering look between us inspired a breathtaking kiss. But this look spoke of determination not desire.
“Is that all?” I asked.
Sergei’s shoulders relaxed and his jaw unclenched. “I have to do my job, Em .” He dropped his voice. “I don’t think we should have dinner tonight.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you punishing me?”
“You think I would . . .” He gaped at me and shook his head. “I just think we could use some space.”
So, he’s too agitated to be in the same room with me. Well, if he’s going to lecture me again, I don’t want to be alone with him either.
I gripped the handle of my bag tighter, straining my knuckles. “That’s probably a good idea.”
****
On the way to lunch the next day, I checked my cell phone for the tenth time and frowned as I shoved it in my purse.
“Why don’t you just call him?” Aubrey suggested.
“Because I’m afraid of what he might say.”
We strolled up to the hotel restaurant and waited at the door for the hostess. My eyes swept the room but didn’t find Sergei.
“Do you think he’s having second thoughts about getting involved?” Aubrey asked.
The hostess greeted us and led us to a booth. I pulled the phone from my purse and set it on the table.
“I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I have a bad feeling.”
A thick row of plants sat on the divider between our booth and the adjacent one, and a deep voice carried through it. “The veal with the roasted potatoes.”
“That’s Viktor,” Aubrey whispered. “Watch what you say.”
A female followed with her order, and I scrunched my eyebrows. “Who’s that?”
We listened longer and determined the woman was Sylvia, another ice dance coach. After giving our orders to the waitress, the sound of my name jerked my head toward the greenery.
“What?” Aubrey asked but I shushed her and scooted closer to the divider.
“I couldn’t believe how they skated,” Sylvia said. “I’ve never seen Emily look so off.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my forehead. My meltdown was probably a hot topic among many.
“Sergei obviously didn’t have them ready,” Viktor said. “His lack of experience is showing. He’s getting all the credit for Emily and Chris’s success, but they had the technical goods before they came to him. He’s had more luck than anything.”
I gawked at Aubrey. “Did you hear him? He acts like Sergei hasn’t taught us anything.”
“I don’t know,” Sylvia rebutted. “Emily used to be a head case, and she’s skated much better under Sergei.”
“She looked like a head case yesterday,” Viktor commented.
That wasn’t Sergei’s fault.
I slid back to the open end of the booth. “I don’t wanna hear any more.”
“You know how Viktor is,” Aubrey said. “He finds fault with everyone.”
I propped my elbows on the table and held my head in my hands. Besides embarrassing myself with my pitiful performance, I’d made Sergei look bad. What a fine showing I’d made as a newly crowned national champion.
My phone sang its melodic tone, and I snatched it from the table. Sergei’s name stared at me from the screen. I gulped and answered, “Hey.”
“Are you busy?”
“I’m at lunch, but I’ll be done soon.” I doubted I could eat much.
“Can you come by then?”
“Sure.”
Aubrey mouthed, “Sergei?” and I nodded as I hung up the phone.
The sandwich I ordered sat half-uneaten when Aubrey and I left the restaurant later. We parted ways in the elevator, and I crossed and uncrossed my arms while waiting for Sergei to open his door.
He didn’t greet me with a hug or a kiss, the first bad sign. The second came when I stood near the window and he stayed near the door, leaving what felt like a mile between us.
“I’ve been thinking about this,” he said. “And if we’re going to make these two very different relationships work, we’re going to have to find a way to separate them as best we can. I think when we’re at competitions we should keep things strictly professional, so all our focus can be in one place–me as the coach and you as the skater.”
“That sounds reasonable, but it’s not like we can flip a switch and turn off our feelings when we’re here.”
“I know it’s not that easy, but I have to concentrate one hundred percent on being your coach when you’re competing. If we sneak around and see each other, I think the situation will be more complicated.”
Through the large window I viewed the appropriately gray afternoon before turning back to Sergei. “If I hadn’t messed up yesterday, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
Sergei crossed the room, shortening the distance between us. “Probably not, but it would’ve come up at some point. If I have to be tough with you, I need to do it without worrying if I’m hurting your feelings. That’s the way it has to be if I’m going to do my job the best way I know how.”
“You didn’t seem too worried when you were lecturing me.”
“I’m not going to apologize for what I said because you needed to hear it. Maybe you think my expectations are too high, but when I see talent like yours . . .” He paused and wet his lips. “You’re so good, Em . The way you move across the ice . . . you have this incredible, graceful power. Sometimes when I’m watching you, I get so mesmerized I forget I’m your coach.”
A ray of warmth broke through the gloomy fog around us. It touched my heart and sent a tingle down my spine. My voice stuck in my throat. “Really?”
“That’s why I was so frustrated with you yesterday. It killed me to see you skate with so little life. I want you to understand how much better than that you are.”
I responded with a steady nod. “I do. I don’t ever want to disappoint you or Chris or myself like that again. And since I won’t let it happen again, I don’t see why we can’t still spend time together.”