Authors: David James
I punched him in the arm.
“What?” he laughed. “All I’m saying is that if she likes you enough to stalk you in the bathroom, she can’t be all that bad.”
I shook my head and opened my mouth but nothing came out. Tyler was wrong. This felt different, serious.
Bodies pushed against me, rising in waves too close.
When I spoke, my voice surprised me. It shook and warbled through the air, sounding flat. “I can’t get what she said out of my head.”
“What did she say again?” Tyler asked, his voice softer. Our steps marked time together as we walked down the hall. “You have three days?”
I nodded as my shoulder jerked up, waves upon waves elbowing back. “Yeah, but I have no idea what that means. I mean three days to
what
? Live?”
Tyler laughed again but I couldn’t. Those times I saw her the world became cold and slow, too slow. Our eyes would lock and I could see nothing else but her: Shaking fists, shoulders pushed forward, teeth grinding, and eyes that could make the warmest heart grow cold.
Too many waves closing in. Soon, I would drown in this sea. I could feel the air begin to thin as the scent of sweat and perfume took over.
Tyler and I turned the corner closest to the cafeteria and I felt the wrothy waves crash against me in one final blow until all the air was gone and I was left alone, suffocating on the floor.
“Watch where you’re walking,” Kate said as she shoved past us. Then, a whisper of shattered glass hidden against a crash of thunder: “Calum Wade, I will
kill
you.”
“Watch it yourself,” Tyler said, helping me up. “Okay, I take back what I said. No way you want anything to do with her even if she likes hanging out in bathrooms. You all right?”
Those eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.”
I am always fine.
“Okay.” He grabbed at his navy and white LET’S GO ALL THE WAY AT HOMECOMING football shirt. The entire team was wearing them today. “I need to go see Nurse Anne real fast to see if I’m cleared to play at the Homecoming game next week. Coach will kill me if my leg isn’t better.”
“See you at lunch.”
“Grab me a piece of pizza if you beat me?”
I nodded. “No problem.”
Before he left, Tyler grabbed my shoulder and silence fell between us. The hall was quiet, a deathlike expanse of sea free of movement. In the distance I heard the roar of lunch like thunder.
One
Two
Three
Three seconds before someone opened the cafeteria door and the thunder boomed louder.
One
Two
Three
Tyler’s voice cracked through the dead hall. “Don’t sweat the small stuff, Calum. Kate’s clearly someone neither of us should be hanging around. I mean, if you don’t know her and she already made some threat toward you after only being at Lakewood a few minutes, she can’t be good. If you’ve never seen her before, there’s no way she has anything against you. Don’t even think about her, just let it go.”
“I know,” I said but all I could think was a panicked thought:
I know those eyes from somewhere. Purple rain falling down in sheets; I am caught in this storm. There’s only this, only her. That’s all I can see, and all I can think is: I must have seen her before.
And then, for a terrifying moment, my thoughts boomed and bent into feelings strong enough to paralyze:
Will Dad come back? Will he kill this time?
I breathed in...
This is too much, this storm of him and her.
...and tried to forget.
Tyler smiled as he walked away calling, “Seriously. Let this go, otherwise it’ll eat you alive.”
But, as I turned and walked through the cafeteria doors and the thunder crashed against me, my eyes hit two hundred others forcing one thought to rise above the rest:
They could be anywhere
.
Tyler was right; I could feel those thoughts sinking their teeth into my heart until I had no choice but to live them all over again.
I tried to push it all away, but couldn’t.
Then, instead of thinking about what was, I found myself focusing on what wasn’t.
I am not breathing.
I am not living.
I am not me.
I could not forget.
As I walked to where my friends sat, I lost myself in the sounds of the screams of teenage dreams, hoping I could find a way to breathe again. And, in the middle of the wonderland that no one really understood because it never seemed long enough to let you, I remembered.
Mom and I stood shaking in the icy October night, wind screaming at us as though it never would again. The whole night was like that: Loud and angry. Even the moon, full and infinitely bright, seemed to shiver with quiet rage like an old enemy. And as the moon lit up the sky, so did our house burning orange in the darkness.
“Stupid kid,” my father said to the police. He rubbed his thumb against the back of his head. “He’s only five. Must have knocked a candle over in his sleep.”
I hadn’t.
It had been the anger.
The moon. Always when the moon was full, bursting.
Mom squeezed against me, but I could feel her pulling away as though the wind was pushing her back. She had a rule, I knew: Never be close enough for it to mean something.
“Let’s go sit in the car, Calum,” she said. “It’s too cold to stand out here.”
It was even colder in the car, the wind somehow finding its way in through the cracks and thin windows. In the back seat, I could see Dad still talking to the police, see the way he pointed at me, his lips forming words: Stupid, idiot, worthless, nothing. I could see the fire reflected in his eyes.
That’s when I first thought this:
I am nothing.
And when I felt anger rise again, felt rage burn inside and destroy me like flames to our house, I thought this:
I am my father’s son.
“Calum?” Mom said, her voice tense and afraid. “Don’t do it again. Get out of the car!”
But I couldn’t move.
I could hear him scream louder than the wind. “I’m not paying for what that stupid kid did. I didn’t even want him.”
I closed my eyes. I could feel the familiar rush of tormented hate as it coursed through me like acid.
Stop. Stop. Why couldn’t this stop?
I heard a car door slam and mine open and Mom was pulling me out of the car but it was too late. I felt the car explode, felt the heat as the burst of metal and plastic and fire threw us across the yard.
I heard Mom land next to me, heard bone crunch and heavy breathing and “I’m okay. It’s just my wrist.”
“See! The boy’s a freak!” Dad shouted.
He was right.
I felt more anger, but pushed it away.
I promised myself I’d never feel angry again.
I’d hide it somewhere deep inside so I could never find it, push it far away so it would never find me, until it disappeared forever and I was free. Until I could live and breathe and be me without destroying things I loved.
I didn’t know how it happened, this secret power only my parents knew of but never spoke about, but I knew anger was the reason. What else could it be?
Like a fist against my face: “Damn kid is a freak.”
He was the reason, too.
I opened my eyes and saw the stars, how they blinked and lit the sky in close clusters. Saw how they made beautiful shapes. Somehow, even though they were all different sizes and colors, they came together as though they always had. As if it was normal to be that close.
That was the first time I noticed the stars.
The last time I cried.
I picked out a star, the brightest one, and made a wish.
~
“Nothing is how it’s supposed to be,” said Annabelle Lee. Her body moved like an ebony worm as I sat down, her eyes struggled to find a safe place on me, like always; I was a topic better left unsaid.
“Hi, Calum,” Annabelle said smiling cold.
An unspoken rule: If they were to really look at me, they wouldn’t like what they saw; a boy filled with a dark past no one really wanted to understand. Secrets everyone suspected but no one dared question. So they smiled and waved and said they were happy to see me, their eyes never meeting mine.
I was more ghost than boy; they saw me, but didn’t.
No one but Tyler ever really did.
But I had something unspoken, too: I liked it that way. If they didn’t have to look, neither did I. These were the hours I could pretend to be normal.
Pretend to forget that
I am not me
.
“Homecoming is next week and they haven’t even started putting up the decorations I made,” Annabelle complained. “Everything is so wrong.”
“So you’ve said for the past three days, Annabelle,” said Tyler. Somehow he managed to beat me to the table. He took a huge bite of pizza and said, “Hey, Calum.”
“
Sick
, Tyler,” Annabelle said, her long black hair, straight as arrows flying, tossing back. “Swallow before you speak. We don’t need to see what you’re chewing, thanks.”
I cringed. She always said his name like
Ty-luh
, with a shrill lift at the end as though she were singing, which might have been nice had her voice sounded any less deviant.
“You say that everyday, babe,” Chad told her as he reached his hand farther down her arm, brushing it up and down and up again. Annabelle and Chad Glass had been dating on and off since middle school; they had matching rings to prove it. “And the school can go to Hell if they don’t like your decorations.”
Annabelle rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Chad. They just haven’t put them up yet. They will like tomorrow or something.”
“Then why are you making such a big deal about it?”
“Because it is a big deal! You have no idea what I went through making those decorations.”
“I just defended you!” Chad shouted, throwing his arms out in confusion.
“You just don’t get it.” She sighed. “You don’t know me at all.”
I don’t know me, either
, I thought.
“I used to,” Chad said under his breath.
“Yeah,” I whispered. No one heard over the noise.
Jason Miles, wearing his shirt that matched Tyler and Chad’s, slammed into the table when he sat down. “What’s up guys?”
Annabelle slid closer to him. “Chad’s being a dick.”
“So, nothing new?” Jason laughed, and shoved a handful of fries in his mouth.
“Shut up, man,” Chad said, but he smiled at Jason. They started talking about next week’s game just as Annabelle’s friend Michelle sat down next to her.
Tyler leaned in close so only I could hear. “Think they’ll last?”
“Chad and Annabelle?” I laughed. “This time or the next seven times they break up and get back together?”
“Good point. Hey, cast is off! Nurse Anne said I’m good to go. I just have to watch myself during the next few games. Make sure I don’t play too rough.”
“You? Play rough?
No
,” I joked.
He punched me lightly in the arm. I was just about to punch him back when Chad slammed his hands on the table in a crash that forced silence.
“So, Jason,” Chad said slowly, his teeth clenched. He cleared his throat. “You getting pumped for the game next week?”
He nodded. “Sure.” And then, “Hey Annabelle? You’re in British History third period, right? You think you could help me with my homework later tonight? I have to write this paper on World War Something and I could really use you.”
“Yeah.” Annabelle blushed. “I’ll come over your house at like nine.”
Chad gritted his teeth. “Actually, we already had plans, Jason, so I guess-”
“No, we didn’t,” Annabelle said. Her voice was high, hanging in the air like temptation. She looked at Jason and said, “We didn’t have plans. Chad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Yes, we did!” Chad said, his words falling frantically. He stood up, and his hands gripped the table, turning white. “Why are you doing this again, Annabelle?”
Annabelle ignored him. “So, Jason, I’ll see you later tonight. I have some stuff you can help me with, too.”
“What, Anatomy?” Tyler muttered.
Jason smiled at Annabelle, and I could see them turn toward each other. Annabelle inched away from Chad, moving slowly closer to Jason until they were almost touching.
Chad fell into his seat. “You know what? I’ll come over, too. I’m in British History sixth period and could use the extra help. That won’t be a problem, will it guys?”
“What?” Annabelle whispered.
Jason coughed and sputtered, “Oh. What? Yes. I mean, no, that won’t be a problem.”
“Great!” Chad smiled. He winked at Tyler. “See you both at nine.”
Tyler cleared his throat and the table seemed to shift back to normal. Michelle and Annabelle began discussing their Homecoming dresses, turning away from Jason and Chad.
“You have a date for the dance yet?” Tyler asked me.
“Nah,” I shrugged. “Not yet.”
Jason poked me, as if he didn’t think I was real. “You should ask that new girl!”
I shook my head. I had just been starting to forget.
Jason turned to Tyler. “What’s her name?”
I opened my mouth to change the subject, hoping against everything that someone would interrupt Jason.
“Kate!” Jason exclaimed. “That’s it. You should go for her. Rumor has it she’s been checking you out all day, lucky bastard.”
Chills up my spine. I could hear the waves as they ran toward me again, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I drowned.
Tyler glanced at me and said, “No way. I heard she was some sort of crazy chick. I’d stay clear.”
I remembered her voice:
Three days.
“Not her,” I said quietly.