Read Light the Hidden Things Online
Authors: Don McQuinn
"That's crazy."
"Isn't he the same as you? Does that make you crazy, too?"
"What's that mean, 'same as you?'"
She sat down beside him, making a face when her hands touched the wet ground. She wore bright yellow raingear, trousers and jacket with hood. Once settled, she continued, "You've both got the same problem and the same wrong solution. I thought it all out."
"Did you, now?"
She ignored the grating sarcasm. "He's afraid. I can fix it."
"You scared him off. You can't fix that."
She let that pass, too. "When he comes back I want you... Look. There he is."
Crow straightened. Major took a step backward, with one forepaw raised. Lila's whisper was fierce. "Tell him you forgive him."
Crow said, "That's a good boy. Come, Major. Come."
"Tell him.
Tell him.
"
Fake enthusiasm clattered in Crow's voice. "It's ok, boy. I forgive you."
Major lowered the raised paw. Lila whispered again. "Talk to him. He's scared. He wants to come to you."
Crow said, "Don't be afraid. I mean it; I forgive you. You know I do. You know I love you. I can't lose you. I just can't, dog. I forgive. I do."
Major whined, as he had in the church. Crow pressed, reached out a hand from under the poncho. "Come to me. Please. "
Tentatively, the dog advanced, stopping literally every few inches. He'd cast about, scenting the darkness. That done, he'd search Crow's gaze for a moment. Then, head lowered, he'd chance another small, cautious step.
Crow willed himself immobile. In the firelight's glow his outstretched hand trembled like carved ice threatening to shatter.
Lila fought to stifle sobs. Her heart was a runaway, every beat counterpoint to her shivering. Tears scorched her eyes, traced warm streaks on her face.
Major finally came to the welcoming hand. He sniffed it, nuzzled it. Still Crow didn't react. Major licked the fingers. With that, Crow touched the dog's head, painfully rotating his wrist to pet him. He said, "Thank you, you good dog, you. Welcome back."
The dog sat. Sagging forward, it tucked its chin into the juncture of Crow's neck and shoulder. Crow rearranged the ponchos to cover them both. Major lay curled against him.
Lila asked, "Do you realize it's coming on daybreak? Let's get inside."
He wouldn't look at her. He said, "I'm fine. Major needs to warm up a bit. I'll just stay here a while."
She told herself she should've expected it. She told him, "I understand." He didn't move, didn't speak. Getting to her feet was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Once more she walked to her home alone.
* * * * *
It was mid-morning when she heard the odd sound from the front of the building. At first she assumed it was Crow retrieving his pickup. When Zasu trotted to the store's door and sniffed, tail wagging, she was puzzled, but not concerned. On her way past the fireplace she pitched in some wood before moving on to investigate. When she opened the door, Crow stood there in clean clothes and washed up. He wore the Stetson and lowered a rechargeable drill, finishing work on the doorjamb. Major sat next to him. It took her a moment to realize he'd just re-hung the screen door.
She said, "I really don't need that. I'm getting airconditioning."
He put the drill on the floor. "This is yours," then, "I figured. I just thought, you know, since the place is almost done, fixing that loopy door was sort of a symbol."
"It is. Thanks." She smiled and hoped the hurt didn't twist it too badly.
Silence bristled between them. She said, "It's cold. You want some tea before..."
He didn't let her finish. "Yes, please. I want to tell you... I mean, ask you..."
It was almost amusing to see his hands flail as if he'd snatch the right words out of the air. She led into the living room, Major and Zasu padding behind them. It took her a minute to pour hot water from the kettle on the tea bags and return. He was leaning against the mantle. She handed him the mug
We had so little time. But so many memories.
She said, "If you're here to say goodbye, don't. I've had enough of that."
He sipped, spoke to the fire, not her. "You said I'm like my dog. You said tell him I forgive him." Before she could move, he'd put the mug on the mantle and was holding her hands. His were so cold his touch was almost painful.
Chin raised, she took back her hands and jammed them in her jeans pockets. "Warm your hands. They're freezing." He splayed them to the fire's warmth. She continued, "He was afraid. Not that you'd hit him or anything. He was afraid you'd forgive him."
Crow flushed. "That's ridiculous."
"Not to him. He believed what he did was unforgivable. Worse, he didn't know if he had enough love in him to properly appreciate being forgiven. It's a destroying burden. But you already know that. At least the dog got out from under it."
"I know what you're doing. That's religion stuff. Only I'm not God and the dog's not me. It's a stupid idea."
"I've got a million stupid ideas. That's not one of them. You are, though. Stupidest idea I ever had." It felt good. She said it again. "Stupid idea."
She turned away, but treacherous knees betrayed her. She mustered enough control to sink semi-gracefully into her leather chair. It embraced her like a sympathetic mourner.
Crow knelt in front of her, almost touching her. She held her breath, steeled herself to accept what he was, what he was going to tell her, and get through this. He said, "Just listen, please. What you said - the forgiveness thing. I think you may be right." He paused, reddened, looking away. Then, like a small boy doing a recitation, he plowed ahead. "That's not so. I
know
you're right. I am afraid, just like you said. But now I know it's wrong. I'll deal with it."
"Of course you will. You'll try to run away from it. Look, I get it, ok?"
"That's not what I meant. I'm saying I want to do something about it. About me."
Hope swelled in her like a tidal wave. Experience told her to head for higher ground. "Can you imagine how much I want to believe that? You don't even know what's involved. I talked to Garza tonight. He told me. You'd have to learn to trust somebody. You'd have to accept other people. Not everybody, but some who'd support you, help you deal with things. Go talk to the professionals. Stop running, first off."
"All right. So I don't know all the rules. But I said I want to do something about the way I am, and I mean it."
"You mean you'll get help?" Her heart gave a peculiar hiccup. She told it to back off.
He said, "No."
Under her breath, she said, "See, Lila? Dummy. Told you." He was looking at her strangely. She spoke aloud. "Look, you do what you think's best. Good luck."
He stood up, moved back to the mantel. He held the Stetson to his chest with both hands. The pose was so awkward she thought she'd choke.
Oh, my God, he's practiced this.
He cleared his throat, then, "You were right about Major. And me. I do love you. I wish I could say that all romantic and such. I'm doing the best I can. When you said I was hurting you it like to killed me. I want to help you. Stand by you. I'll do whatever it takes to be the kind of man you want to spend your life with. I want to make you happy. I want to wake up mornings and know I can call your name and hear your voice when you answer. I want to see you smile. Laugh. Hold you in my arms. I love you. I'm asking you to marry me." He stepped closer.
"Yes." It flew out of her mouth so joyous she wasn't sure she'd actually spoken.
Crow kept talking, as earnest as before. "I've got my retirement and I invested part of my pay every month. I can help with the money thing. I'm not just a used-up old grunt; I'm pretty handy..." He stopped. His eyes widened. "Did you say yes?"
Lila rose, came to him. She was pretty sure if she looked hard enough she'd see sparks popping off her skin. She said, "Yes, I did, and yes, again. Yes forever. I want to be your wife."
He beamed. It faded quickly when she held up a warning finger. She took a deep breath and rushed the words. "There's a condition. I want you happy. I want to make you happy. I can't do that - not completely - unless we go head-on at this PTSD issue. We'll beat it. Together."
The grin was back. "I never thought I could talk about it, not to anyone. I wanted to ask you what I should do. You'd work with me? If you would, I can do anything they tell me to do. I love you. If you're beside me..." He shook his head, a man too full of hope to believe his luck.
Lila laughed out loud, wrapped her arms around him. She said, "I never want to be anywhere else."
He laughed, too. The rumble in his chest was kettle drums and the heavy end of the piano. He said, "That's the wildest thing." He bent back and she looked up into his face. He said, "That's exactly what I told myself on the walk over here. I don't ever want to be anywhere else."
And he pulled her close again, tighter, and kissed her.
It dawned on Lila that'd never happened before. She hoped this one was telling her what the rest would be like. Then she lost herself in it.
Major thudded to the floor in front of the fireplace as if resigned to a long stay. He seemed determined to get used to it.
Thanks for your attention to
Light The Hidden Things
. I appreciate it. If you'd be so kind, would you click on
Amazon.com
and post a review?As the author, it'd be a great learning experience for me, plus other readers have the benefit of your reaction. Much obliged.
This book is dedicated to those who have served in the uniforms of this country. More than that, it is dedicated to those who have supported them, undeterred, uncelebrated, and forever unswerving in their compassion.
I could not have written this story without the advice and consideration of Dr. Victoria Allen and Rebecca Fishaut, MSW, LICSW of the Pacific Medical Center in Seattle, Washington. I can never thank them enough, nor can I speak highly enough of those who work with them. Any errors of fact in the story are exclusively the fault of the author.
You can contact the author at his website:
LIGHT THE HIDDEN THINGS
Published by Raven’s Call Press
Copyright 2012
Don McQuinn
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by
Raven’s Call Press, Washington.
Cover image © 2012 Conn McQuinn
All rights reserved. Used under authorization.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.
ISBN 978-0-9847197-2-3
Dedication and Acknowledgement