Light the Lamp (28 page)

 

Soupy and the
kids had already left by the time Rachel and Noelle got back from their girls’ day. He’d wanted to get some flowers to surprise Rachel with since the team was heading out on the road again tomorrow. Once they had gone, Babs left, too. He wanted to meet up with Razor and RJ at some place in Old Town for pizza. That left me alone until Noelle came through the door.

She gave me a bright smile when she did, but I couldn’t miss the redness in her eyes or the way the skin around them was swollen and puffy. She’d been crying again, and there was no hiding it. I wanted to kiss away her tears, to pull her onto my lap on the sofa and hold her, but that might only cause her to cry more. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there waiting for her to give me some indication.

She set her purse down on the kitchen counter and crossed over to me, coming into my arms, which was the only place I wanted her to be. I held her, wishing I could keep her just like this forever because then I would know she was safe and alive and loved.

She didn’t start crying again, thank God. But she didn’t let me go too quickly, either.

I slid a hand through her hair, letting the sweet scent of her shampoo tickle my nostrils. We stood there for easily ten minutes or more without either of us saying a word. I almost didn’t want to speak because it would break the mood and she might pull away from me. There was no way for me to know how many more times I would be able to hold her. “Did you have a good time with the girls?” I asked finally.

“
I would have rather been here with you.” Her voice was muffled against my chest.
 

I would have preferred for her to have been here with me, too, but that was the selfish part of me talking. For her sake, I was glad she went to get pampered some. How much longer would I be able to make sure she got that sort of care?

“
Will you let me take you out for dinner?” I asked. We had to fly out tomorrow after our practice in the morning. I really only had tonight with her for the next five days. Or maybe longer than that. Maybe forever. I wanted to take advantage of every moment I could be in her company.
 

As long as she would allow it.

“
Do we have to go out?” She stayed right where she was, our bodies pressed tight to each other, her arms holding me in place as much as mine were holding her. “I’d rather just stay here. I can cook for you.”
 

“
Is it because you don’t want to go out, or is it because you don’t want me to spend any more money on you?”
 

“
I’d just prefer to stay here. If it’s okay with you.”
 

Anything was okay with me as long as she was involved. “Why don’t we cook together?”

Noelle didn’t pull away from me, but I could feel the change in her demeanor. She relaxed into me, and it was as though a smile took over her entire body. “I’d like that.”

She couldn’t possibly enjoy it as much as I would.

I held her for a few more minutes, but eventually I forced myself to pull away and go into the kitchen. She followed me and started pulling food out of the refrigerator. There were a few steaks in there that she grabbed, plus fresh asparagus, portobello mushrooms, and the components of a salad. I took down a grill pan from over the stove and started heating it while she organized her ingredients.

We didn’t talk much while we cooked. Every now and then, one of us would bump into the other. It wasn’t entirely accidental on either of our parts. She glanced up and grinned after backing into me at various points, and each time I put my hand down to her waist to help steady her, her eyes would flick up to meet mine with a bit of mischief sparkling in them. It was all I could do to focus on the steaks and not on pinning her against the counter to kiss her until she gave up on the idea of leaving.

We ate our meal and shared a lighthearted banter that I doubt either of us truly felt. There was a heavy weight between us, even as she told me about family trips to the Oregon beach and Mount St. Helens when she was a little girl. She laughed when she remembered her brothers fighting in the backseat while her father drove and how she was often put between them in the hope that her presence would discourage that sort of behavior. I talked about how my father would make me go fishing with him instead of just going to the
feskekôrka
to buy fish someone else had already caught. I had always complained about it because it took time away from hockey, but today those were some of my best memories from my childhood that didn’t revolve around playing the game I loved. It had been during one of those fishing trips that I’d first met Liv, but for some reason I kept that part to myself. The thought of sharing that with Noelle and then having her leave didn’t sit well with me.
 

Like a couple that had been married for years, we cleaned the kitchen and then sat together on the sofa—Noelle leaning into me, my arms around her waist and keeping her close—for hours. Sometimes we talked. Sometimes we let our thoughts take over while we simply remained in one another’s presence. I didn’t want it to end because I didn’t know if I would ever have another night like this with her again.

She must not have wanted it to end, either. After a protracted silence while I tried to memorize the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, her head felt heavier against my shoulder and the soft, fluttering sounds of her breaths lengthened. She’d fallen asleep in my arms.

I ought to have been a gentleman and carried her to her bed. I ought to have left her there because she wasn’t awake to invite me to stay. At the moment, though, I didn’t feel very gentlemanly. I wanted to carry her to her bed, all right, but once I got her there I wanted to take her clothes off and make love to her. I wanted to be inside her again and to hold her all night, and then maybe to make love to her again in the morning before I had to leave.

The thought of walking away from Noelle tomorrow, not knowing if she’d be here when I got back, felt like someone was chopping my legs out from beneath me. It had always been hard to leave Liv—both in Sweden and in New York—but this was different. Somehow, this was even more difficult. Maybe because the last time I’d left Liv, she hadn’t been there when I came back and so I already knew how ridiculously painful it was to lose someone you loved.

We couldn’t stay like this all night, though. Babs would be home at some point, and I had to at least attempt to sleep before practice. I shifted Noelle into my arms so I could take her to bed, my hand getting caught momentarily in her skirt, and her clear-blue eyes fluttered open almost immediately. She locked her gaze on me and smiled, and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her. I needed to ground myself in her touch, to lose myself in her taste.

I needed her.

Her arms came around my neck and her lips parted, and I tried to keep the kiss loose and languid to match the way she collapsed in my arms, trusting that I would catch her and keep her safe. And I would. As long as she would let me, I would be here to take care of her.

When she pulled away, her fingers were twirling in my hair. “Come to bed with me?” she said. It came out like a question, but one she shouldn’t ever feel the need to ask.

“
Always.”
 

She laughed when I stood with her in my arms. She laughed again when I kissed her everywhere and my whiskers tickled her, but then her laughter turned to moans needy enough to match my own.

I made love to her twice, both times watching the sense of wonder take over her face at the moment her climax struck. Afterward, she kept her legs locked tight around my waist, anchoring us together so that my weight pinned her to the mattress, her fingers toying with my hair until she fell asleep.

For hours, I lay there watching the movement behind her eyelids as she dreamed, listening to the sound of her breath by my ear, marveling in the sense of peace that enveloped me when I was with her. This was perfection. This was right. This was everything I’d wanted and was certain I would never have again.

“
Jag älskar dig
,” I murmured over and over as she slept, as though chanting my love for her could be the magic spell that might somehow convince her to stay.
 

Eventually, I slept, too, but it wasn’t long before dawn crept through the windows to steal my moment of bliss.

She smiled up at me as soon as her eyes flickered open. “Did you sleep at all?” she asked, her hand rising up so that her fingers could tease my hair again. “You were in exactly this position when I fell asleep.”

“
Some. Not much.” I wished I could keep her just like this forever.
 

We had lazy, sleepy, first-thing-in-the-morning sex before I finally forced myself to leave her bed. My arms felt empty as soon as I closed her door so she could shower and get dressed.

I went through my morning routine, pleased that the coffee Babs made today wasn’t the sort that was likely to kill us, all the while trying not to let my mind wander too much.

Noelle had breakfast with us and then went into the kitchen to clean up. Babs and I grabbed our bags, ready to go. But before I walked out the door, I dropped my suitcase on the floor, pulled Noelle into my arms again, and kissed her senseless. She’d showered and smelled like some rose-scented soap, but she’d put on a pajama top and some silky shorts that my hands slid over like butter while I molded them to her ass and pressed her against me. I knew we had to be embarrassing Babs like nothing else, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t leave without touching her one more time, without holding her close to me and doing everything in my power to be sure she understood how much I loved her.

A knock sounded at the door, and Babs opened it to Soupy. We would be late if we didn’t leave now.

I forced myself to pull away, even though it felt like I was ripping my own arm from its socket, and I took her face between my hands. “
Jag älskar dig
.”

She met my eyes, but hers were filled with tears. She shook her head, like she was trying to shake the tears away. “I’m sorry, Liam.” Her words echoed in my head, ominous and dark.

She might as well have stabbed me in the gut.

Soupy cleared his throat. “We have to go, Kally.”

I nodded. “I’ll be out in a minute. I’ll catch up to you.”

“
I’ve got your bag,” Babs said. Then the door closed.
 

I slid my thumbs along Noelle’s cheekbones, brushing away the wetness accumulating there. “I love you,” I said, emphasizing each word so she couldn’t misunderstand if she tried. I kissed her forehead and her eyelids. Her tears hit my lips like salt stinging in an open wound. “I need you to know that,
älskling
. I love you.”

She shook her head again and opened her mouth to deny my claim, and I silenced her with another kiss. I couldn’t bear to hear her tell me anything other than that she loved me, too, and clearly she wasn’t going to say that.

She was shaking when I backed away, but her hands clung to my shirt as though to keep me with her.

I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to leave. “Keep the phone charged, Noelle,” I said as I backed through the door. I pulled it closed behind me and started down the hall.

“
Don’t hate me,” she said, her muffled voice dogging my leaden steps.