Authors: Annie Katz
Lila asked if I wanted to write a
letter to my mom to send with the books, and I was tempted to send the long one
I'd written on Sunday, but when I got it out of my dresser drawer and read it
over, I decided it was too much too fast for her, so I started a new one.
Dear Mom,
I thought you
might like to look through these art books to help you relax while you look for
a new job. I hope you are finding good opportunities and enjoying your search.
When I saw art books in Lila's bookshelf, I thought of you, because you always
seemed to love art galleries so much whenever we visited them. They have some
art galleries near here. Maybe when you come to visit we can go there together.
I'm doing fine. Lila and I went
on a hike yesterday and saw elk from the road and deer from the trail. It was a
long walk through big trees, and we ended up on Dragon's Head, a cliff
overlooking the ocean. You can see miles and miles in both directions from
there.
I have a friend here, Molly.
She's ten and she likes to braid my hair, so finally I am taking your advice
and doing something to keep my hair out of my eyes. You were right. It is
better this way.
I hope you are well and happy
and have everything you need. I am praying you get a job you love as much as I
love living here in Rainbow Village. Your loving daughter, Cassandra
I told Lila I had finished the
letter but I wasn't sure I wanted to send it. She said she often liked to sleep
on things if she’s not sure, so I decided to do that. I left the letter on my
dresser and reread it before going to sleep. It was a good letter, but I didn't
know how much I really wanted to say to my mother. I realized I was being
calculating rather than impeccable. I was trying to guess what would make her
do what I wanted her to do. I was trying to manipulate her.
That realization felt awful, so I
prayed God would help me be honest and transparent and courageous, not sneaky
and afraid. And I prayed for a dream to give me a message about what to do
next.
The next morning I woke with this
dream. I am with Molly and we are riding the bus to school, only she is my age
and she looks like a cross between Shelly and herself. She has dark skin like
Shelly and short curly hair like herself. There's a commotion at the back of
the bus, and the driver has to stop to find out the problem. Molly and I are
sitting in the front, and we see the driver carrying another kid in his arms.
She was hurt in the back seat, and he has to get her off the bus. I wonder if
we know her. When he passes by us, I see it is Janice, only she's younger than
we are. "Wait," I tell the bus driver. "That's my little
sister!" But he doesn't stop. I try to get off the bus and follow him, but
I can't because all the kids have to stay on the bus so the adults can help the
hurt one.
I woke up really scared for Janice
but knowing there was nothing I could do. At least the bus driver was helping
her. Maybe it meant I should let the adults handle the situation and stay out
of the way. Stay in Oregon where I wanted to be. That was my sign.
At breakfast I told Lila I had a
dream and it gave me a message to change the letter, so she said,
"Wonderful! You are developing a great relationship with your Dream
Mother. I'm so happy for you."
"Dream Mother?"
"That's what I call the one
who fashions my dreams and helps me decipher them," she said. "It's
one of my names for God. Dream Mother, Quan Yin, Goddess, God, Ancient Ones,
Universe. God has millions of names and faces. Dream Mother is one of my
favorites."
"Well," I said. "I
asked for a dream, and the one Dream Mother gave me is clear, so I need to
change my letter before I send it."
She cleaned up the kitchen after
breakfast to give me time to work on my new letter. After several tries, here's
what I came up with.
Dear Mother, I hope you are well
and happy and finding a job you love. I thought of you when I saw these books,
because you love art galleries so much. I hope you enjoy them.
Please let me stay here for
seventh grade. It's a small school, K-8, and I'll be riding the bus with my
friend Molly who is ten years old. I think it will be the best way for me to
take good care of myself and give you the time and space to take good care of
yourself.
I love you. I believe in you. I
don't want you to worry about me at all. I am healthy, happy, and safe here.
Please let me stay.
Come visit us as soon as you can and see for
yourself what a nice small town this is. Love, Sandy
I felt good about sealing the last
version of my letter in an envelope for Lila to take to mail with the books on
her way to work. In it I was honest, sober, and brave. I kissed the envelope
and prayed to Dream Mother that my flesh and blood mother would find a way to
be as happy as I was.
After Lila left for work, I went
back to bed. I had cramps and the flow of blood was heavier than it ever had
been. I hoped it was just a one-time thing, not a regular monthly ordeal I
would have to endure.
Lila said every woman has to
discover for herself what works. She said coffee and other caffeine drinks help
relieve cramps for some people. Others found relief with hot baths or heating
pads on the back or belly. She found a heating pad in her closet and taught me
how to use it. "Careful the kitty girls don't dig their claws into
it," she said. "They'll try to steal it from you because they love
the heat, but I don't let them sleep on it because it's not good for their
skin."
For other women exercise works,
even strenuous exercise for some, like running or a hard workout at the gym.
"You'll find out what works best for you. There's aspirin in the medicine
cabinet, which helps some people, so try that if nothing else seems to
help."
"Okay," I said, crawling
back in bed.
"I used to like hot
showers," she said, "and hot tea and lots of naps and good books to
read. Call me if you think of something you want me to pick up at the store for
you."
"Thanks, Grandma. I think
right now a nap sounds good, and maybe I will try the heating pad."
She brought the pad and got it all
plugged in and situated, and then she kissed my forehead and said, "Sweet
dreams, beautiful dreamer."
"Thank you, Grandma," I
said, and I felt so emotional I had to stifle back tears.
She smiled and left for the post
office and work. Chloe and Zoe came and got in bed with me, and I went to sleep
before I even turned on the heating pad. When I woke up, the cats were still
snoozing on my bed. I still had cramps, but not as bad.
I couldn't go back to sleep, so I
got up and took a hot shower, and that helped even more. I felt pretty good
after that. Maybe I'd discovered how to get through the rough times, and it
wasn't all that bad, really.
I didn't want to go out on the
beach, though, because it looked windy, wet, and cold. It wasn't raining, but
it was very cloudy, almost misty, and I wanted to stay inside. I found the
afghan I had started making before Mark and Jamie came. After a few awkward
rows, I was back into the rhythm of knitting and purling while I watched the
waves go back and forth on the beach. I was into a nice relaxed lazy state when
the phone rang. I jumped so hard I dropped the knitting on the floor.
It was Mark, and I was happy to
hear his voice. "How is your foot?" I asked.
"It hurts," he said,
"but the physical therapist said it's a good hurt not a bad hurt."
"You don't sound
convinced," I said.
"Have you ever had physical
therapy?" he asked me.
"No. I've never broken
anything."
"Well, don't," he said.
"This lady is young and pretty, but she tortures. She makes lots of money
torturing me and other jocks dumb enough to get hurt. She's sadistic."
"She enjoys causing
pain?"
"Yes. I mean it. She's happy
because she really digs hurting people. She has the perfect job."
"That sounds awful," I
said. "I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything,"
he said. "I'll live."
"How's Jamie?" I asked.
"He's great. He's back on his
dog walking routine, and he has two new customers. Rich sat him down and gave
him the old man to man about how to manage his work schedule and his finances.
Rich wanted him to charge more and work less, but Jamie loves all the dogs and
wants to spend as much time with them as he can."
"So now he's charging more and
working more?" I asked.
"That's right," Mark
said. "And how are you, Cassandra?"
"I'm good," I said,
surprised by his question. "I'm fine. I'm a little worried about my mom.
She's going through a rough time now."
"Yea," he said. "Do
you have to go back to California to help her?"
"I hope not. I want to stay
here for the school year."
He didn't respond right away, and I
imagined I'd said the wrong thing or too much. "Mark?" I asked.
"Oh, sorry," he said.
"I was just thinking I don't know anything about you, really."
"I'm just learning about me,
too, so don't feel bad," I said, trying to make light of it.
The conversation was awkward after
that, so we tried to wrap it up. Before we said goodbye, Mark said, "Oh,
the reason I called is I wanted to ask Grandma if she would send those books
from my headboard in the Nest. I keep the ones there I want to read next. I'm
out of my mind bored. There's only so much TV a person can stand."
"Okay, I'll let her know.
She'll be home around six. You want me to have her call then?"
"Anytime," he said.
"I'm not going anywhere."
I laughed a little, but it made me
sad. "Thanks for asking about me," I said.
"Well, we're stuck with each
other, so we might as well figure out if we could be friends," he said.
"Good idea," I said.
"I'll tell Jamie," he
said. "He's the one who suggested it."
So after dinner that night Lila and
I packed another book box, this one for Mark. When we were done, Lila said,
"Good. Now we have some empty shelf space. Next time you're at Marge's
store, see if you find any books you want to bring home."
That sounded good to me. Actually I
did have my eye on a book about learning pretty handwriting, kind of a modern
calligraphy stylebook with practice pages that looked like fun. I got the idea
from the calligraphy signs on the bins at The Salty Dog. Kim lettered them all
by hand, and she said it was easy and fun if you were patient enough to
practice. I told Lila about the calligraphy book, and she said we could get it
the next day.
Shelly and her mom were coming on
Friday night, and I was excited about seeing them, but I needed something to do
besides knitting, reading mysteries, wearing out my dictionaries, and filling
up my journal.
"You're feeling better,"
Lila said.
At first I didn't know what she
meant, and then I realized I'd been feeling fine. "Yes, Grandma, you were
right. The nap and hot shower worked this time. I feel well. I don't really
want to go anywhere though. Is hibernation part of it?"
"Yes, in fact, it is. In many
cultures, women choose to seclude themselves during their moon time, or in some
cases they were forbidden to come out of their homes or have any contact with
men. Seclusion can be a good thing, because it helps the body rest and the
spirit replenish itself."
"I think I might hibernate
again tomorrow, if that's okay," I said.
"Whatever you think is best,
Cassandra," Lila said. "I trust you and your Dream Mother to take
good care of you."
The next morning I called Molly,
and she was eager for an errand, so she brought me the calligraphy book and we
started practicing together up at the big table in the Crow's Nest. The book
had four modern lettering styles, and we finally decided which one we liked the
best, so we'd both be working on the same page. We didn't have the right kind
of pens, though. The book showed you needed special ones. We decided to use
pencils until we could get to an art supply store. At least we could get the
shape of the letters right.
Molly had to get back in time to
feed her family lunch. They all depended on her to know when they were hungry.
That worked out fine for me. After practicing forming letters for an hour, my
hand was sore. Lila gave Molly a ride back to the village. It was drizzling
rain, and after they left I crawled back in bed for a nap.
If my seventh grade teacher made us
write a What I Did This Summer essay, mine would be so long it would take me
all year to write it. Even the high points would be ten pages, and I was only
halfway through vacation so far. Amazing how time shrinks and stretches and
disappears altogether. I sank into a sweet deep sleep where beautiful letters
danced, flew, sang, and joined themselves into elegant words and the names of
everyone I loved.
Shelly and her mother Radha arrived
Friday night and checked into the resort where Jamie and Mark had stayed.
They'd eaten dinner in Portland, so as soon as Shelly called, I went to join
her in the pool. Radha chose to take a hot bath and rest in their room, and
Lila was working on an essay for the paper, so she stayed home.
It had been two months since I'd
seen Shelly and she'd really changed. She was wearing her hair shorter, in an
asymmetrical cut that made her look older, taller, and smarter somehow, and she
was of course very tan from all the time at the lake. Her skin was the most
beautiful color to begin with, and with all the sun she looked like a shiny
chocolate goddess.
She loved my braids. She thought
they made me look taller and more grownup, and she said my freckles were
darker, but I think she was wrong about that. We hugged and giggled and held
hands like children. We played Dolphinese and raced underwater and took turns
diving off the board. There were some older kids in the pool, and a couple of
young ones with a nanny at the shallow end, but they gave us plenty of space to
do what we liked. It was wonderful being with her again.
When we'd worn ourselves out
racing, we got out and plopped on the lounge chairs to catch our breath. That's
when she told me.
"I was going to wait until
just before we leave, but I can't," she said.
I looked at her. "What?"
"We're moving," she said.
"They've already bought a house."
"Where?"
"Boston."
"Boston, Massachusetts?"
"Yes, Boston. I'm enrolled in
a girls' school there."
"Shelly!"
"I'm sorry," she said.
"But it's a good school, and I thought about what you said in your letter,
and it would be nice to be around just females for a while. I'm so tired of
boys looking at my body instead of seeing me."
"Me too," I said.
"Boys are bothering you too? I
thought you said you hadn't met any boys here."
"Not boys. I mean I'm moving,
too. I hope so, anyway. I hope I'm staying here for seventh grade."
"Oh, wow, and I was so worried
about you being there all alone."
"It's not certain," I
said. "In fact it's just a wish, but I feel it will work out. Especially
now that you'll be gone. There's nothing there for me."
"Is your mom moving here? She
doesn't seem the Oregon type."
"You're right. She's not. We
hope she comes for a visit."
"She's still drinking."
"Worse," I said.
"She's lost her job and wrecked her car. I'm worried about her, but I had
a dream telling me I couldn't help. The best thing I can do for her is take
care of myself."
"You've always been good at
that," she said.
"Wow," she said.
"I'm glad I told you. Now I don't have to try to find the perfect time to
tell you."
"Lila says 'Tell the truth as
fast as you can.'"
"It worked this time,"
Shelly said.
"So is there anything else you
need to tell me?" I asked, partly joking but serious too.
"I have a boyfriend," she
said.
"No!" I screamed, louder
than I wanted to, and we turned to see everyone in the pool looking our way.
"It's okay," Shelly said,
waving to everyone. "She's just happy for me."
They all went back to making their
own noise in the pool.
"Tell me," I said.
"He better be good. After all the guys standing in line for you, he better
be the best of the best."
"Okay," she said, and she
told me all about Ian, a boy from Germany staying with his relatives at the
lake. Tall, blonde, and smart, of course, but different from the rest, it
seemed. He was fifteen and was studying archeology and ancient civilizations.
He sounded like a true scholar, but he also played soccer, so he wasn't just a
bookworm.
"Where does he go to
school?" I asked, wondering if he had anything to do with Shelly being in
Boston all of a sudden.
"London," she said.
"A private school there."
"Well, at least Boston is
closer than California," I said, relieved that they wouldn't be in the
same town. I didn't want Shelly to grow up too fast, and she sounded serious
about this one.
"My dad has business in London
a couple of times a year," she said, "plus there's next summer, if he
still likes me."
"If you still like him,"
I said, alarmed to hear her talking that way.
She smiled at me. "You'd like
him too. He's not a guy."
It was our way of saying he was
smart and thoughtful and could carry on an intelligent conversation, more like
a girl than a guy.
"I believe you," I said,
realizing I was jealous.
"It won't be the same,"
she said.
"Nothing ever stays the
same," I said, laughing at myself because I sounded like Lila.
We went back and swam speed laps
until we'd completely worn ourselves out. Then she went back to join her mom in
their room, and I walked home. We'd arranged to have brunch at our house the
next morning, so I could sleep on Shelly's news before we were together again.
For brunch, I made biscuits, and
Lila made her special sour cream omelets served with crisp bacon, sliced
avocado, sautéed mushrooms, and stir-fried veggies. We had a big platter of fresh
fruit, and of course coffee.
Everything was beautifully arranged
on a lace tablecloth in the kitchen, and we sat with the glorious beach view
and enjoyed every bite. Shelly couldn't believe I'd made the biscuits from
scratch. Radha praised everything, and I was very proud of my grandma and me.
We had a lovely life. We all worked together to clean the kitchen after we ate,
and then we moved into the living room.
Radha noticed Lila's Quan Yin
incense holder on the fireplace mantel, along with pictures of Jesus, Mary, Buddha,
and various other saints and deities from all over the world. They started
talking about Radha's favorite god, Ganesha, the Elephant God, Remover of
Obstacles. Lila had a little picture of his face on her mantel altar along with
the others.
Radha told us about a yearly festival
when she was a child in Southern India where they would decorate elephants with
so many wreaths of flowers the elephants could barely see where they were
going. There would be a parade with chanting, incense, and dancing, and then
all the children fed the elephants special foods.
"I had an altar to Ganesha all
the way through college in Chicago," she said. "My roommates teased
me, but right before exams everyone stopped by with little offerings to my
elephant god."
"Any port in a storm,"
Lila said.
Radha laughed and said, "The
more exotic, the better!"
"Most of us in this country
only learned about that stern old white man god," Lila said. "You
can't blame us for wanting to see what the rest of the world is like."
"Yes, I was lucky,” Radha said.
“I didn't learn much about Jehovah until I was in college. I couldn't
understand why people would worship such a vindictive god. Jesus was sweet, but
he let people crucify him. Give me Shiva, the Destroyer, or Lakshmi, the
Goddess of Wealth. Much more exciting deities."
"You were lucky," Lila
said. "I didn't discover them until I got so disgusted with
holier-than-thou preachers that I was driven to find other belief systems
besides the Judeo/Christian ones. I started with Native American creation
stories, and those led me to Egypt, Africa, India, and Asia. So much to learn!"
"Did you study religions in
college?" Radha asked Lila.
Lila laughed. "I didn't
go," she said.
"Self taught independent
thinker," Radha said, nodding. "You didn't have to sort through as
much garbage as college girls to find the jewels of wisdom."
"I've sorted through
plenty," Lila said, and they both laughed.
Then Lila said, "Radha is one
of my favorite names for God. How does it feel to be named after her?"
"In Indian culture, it is very
common. Half the boys in school are named Krishna."
"Like all the bible names in
America," Lila said. "Mary, James, John. I'm named after the old
testament Delilah, one of the few women mentioned by name."
"The notorious one.
Wonderful," Radha said. "Delilah who cut Sampson's hair."
"I thought about calling my
business Delilah's Barbershop, but I knew I'd get tired of the joke before
everyone else would." Lila moved Chloe and Zoe from the middle of the
couch so she and Radha would have room to sit down.
Shelly and I left them sitting
there discussing philosophy while I gave Shelly a tour of the house. First I
showed her my room, which she loved, especially the bright rainbow quilt on the
wall.
"That's what I need for my
dorm room at school," she said.
"You're living at
school?"
"My folks got a townhouse in
Boston, but they won't be there much. I'll try boarding the first semester.
Most students board."
"I can't imagine classes
without you," I said, and tears started running down my face.
"I can't imagine school without
boys," she said, and I laughed.
We both sat on my bed and stared at
the quilt until it started pulsating rainbow rings of color. Then we fell back
and closed our eyes and talked about the after images playing on our brain
screens, blocks of colored lights that danced around more than the quilt
squares had. When those disappeared, we sat up again.
Shelly spied the elegant journal
she'd given me on my bedside table. The journal was stacked on top of my
beloved hardcover dictionary and the calligraphy workbook. A person could tell
a lot about me by the books near my bed.
"You're using it," she
said, stroking the brocade fabric cover.
"Almost every day now," I
said. "Lila's helping me understand my dreams, so I write those, and my
delicious dictionary words, and now calligraphy." I showed her the last
page where I'd perfected my new signature,
Cassandra Blue
.
"I hope you get to stay
here," Shelly said. "This place is you."
"Are you saying I'm a goofy
beach town kind of girl?" I said, crossing my eyes at her.
"Yea, I am. Wanna fight about
it?" She pushed me over on the bed and started tickling my ribs until I
squealed for her to stop.
"Come on," I said as soon
as I could catch my breath. "Upstairs." I led her up the steep
stairway to the next beach town attraction.
Shelly completely fell in love with
the Crow's Nest. She loved the window seat and the shelves of books. The big
table. And especially the bunks. She claimed the middle one and talked her
mother into letting her stay the night with us. I'd sleep in Jamie's bunk, and
she'd have the middle one.
After that was all planned, Shelly
and I decided to walk to Rainbow Village so I could show her all the shops I'd
been writing to her about, starting with The Salty Dog. Lila had to work, and
Radha wanted to walk on the beach and enjoy a quiet afternoon by herself. We
planned to all go out for dinner, which meant Shelly and I had the whole
afternoon to play.
"Cassandra," Shelly said
as we were walking to the village, "I want you to introduce me as Shakti,
not Shelly."
"Shakti?" I asked.
"Yea. I was thinking about it
because you changed your name, and then when I heard my mom and Lila talking
about names, I decided right now today is the right time to take my real
name."
"Is it a god name, too?"
I asked.
"Of course. The name for
divine feminine energy."
"No wonder you've always had
to fight off the boys," I said, pretending to slap my forehead. "Who
can resist a goddess?"
"Well I am pretty cute even
without the name," she said.
"Shakti," I said over and
over, practicing it. "Hi, this is my friend Shakti."
She nodded. "Sounds exotic.
Grownup. That's me."
"Wait a minute. All my friends
here are expecting Shelly. How is this going to work?"
"You'll think of
something," she said.
She was right. Kim and Les were
quick. As soon as I walked in and said, "I'd like you to meet my good
friend Shakti," they shook her hand and said, "Finally we get to meet
our favorite customer face to face."
We had a great time in The Dog. Les
was just getting ready to start a new batch, so I explained the whole procedure
to Shelly as we watched Les make the syrup. Then Shelly filled up two big boxes
with taffy to send back to her grandma's house at the lake. One box was for her
and the other was for everyone else. Hers focused on Raspberry Rapture and
everything that had chocolate in it. Kim had fun suggesting varieties and
watching Shakti try each one.
Next we went to Sunshine Books.
Marge said Molly was upstairs and would be down in a minute, so first I
introduced Shakti to Marge, and we peeked in at Bradley in his work area, and
then I took her to meet Curtis. He was lost in a book, of course, and I had to
call his name twice to get him to look at us.
"Curtis, I want you to meet my
friend Shakti," I said, and he shook himself, closed his book, and stood
up to shake her hand.
"Very pleased to meet
you," he said. "You are the friend from Wisconsin. With a name from
India."
"Yes," Shelly said, and I
saw she was suddenly shy and determined to overcome it.
"Shelly, I mean Shakti, wants
to interview you," I said.
Curtis sat down and picked up his
book again, but he didn't open it. "Okay," he said, smiling his
beautiful smile that showed off his dimples.
We sat on the couch and Shelly
pulled a spiral notebook and pencil out of her backpack. "How many books
do you read a year?" she began, all business like.
Curtis thought about it, and he
guessed around three hundred.
Marge, who was listening from her
counter, called out, "More like four or five hundred, Honey. You
underestimate yourself."