She doesn’t speak as she slowly strips out of her clothes. Her entire body amazes me, no matter how many times I see her. I push her onto the bed and handcuff her, but this time she’s facing me. I’m tentative as I put the gag into her mouth, but she nods fervently. There is something so wrong about this. I should want to protect her, to hold her and caress her, not to do the things my body and mind are screaming to do to her. I can’t resist the desire to be rough and to feel her out of control along with me, but I also don’t ever want her to think I’d give her up for this.
She spreads her legs and I look at her eyes. I’m scared of pushing it, but her eyes are gleaming. She’s excited and I realize just how right it is with her. Again, she trusts me, enough to allow me to explore her darkest desires with her. She’s willing to share things of herself that she’s probably kept hidden from everyone until now.
There’s a slight twinge of guilt as I think about the secrets I’m still keeping from her, but she kicks me in the thigh and nods her head to address the fact that she’s naked beneath me. Now isn’t the time to talk, and as I slip inside of her, I give myself to her fully. I don’t need words to tell her what she means to me.
Lily is losing herself underneath me and I play along.
“Do you like it like this, princess? Do you like it when I’m rough?”
Oh, God, she does. She tightens herself around me and it’s no longer a game. I close my eyes as she pushes against me with all of her. Digging my thumbs into her arms, I feel her come under me and that’s all I need. I release too, and uncuff her, falling against her and breathing her in.
She reaches down and takes out the gag and then wiggles out from beneath me, turning onto her side so her back is to me.
“Fuck me again, Jack,” she begs.
I roll over onto my side and rest my cock between her legs. I’ve never had much difficulty going several times, but with Lily, it’s a guarantee. If she wants to, I can keep going, because making her happy is the single reason I want to wake up every day. I thrust slowly against her until I’m hard and then I move into her one more time, feeling her rock back and forth against me.
I run my hands along her soft body until I reach the curve of her hip. Brushing my fingertips against her ass cheek, I slide my hand between our bodies and tease her asshole with my finger.
Lily cries out and begs for more. I fuck her harder and slip my finger inside of her as well. She makes soft, moaning pleas for even more, again and again. Every thrust is met with increased desire. I kiss her everywhere; I can’t stop kissing her. I want to consume her. My cock is wrapped in her, my finger is teasing her ass, and my lips are caressing her skin. Yet I feel like I need to fold myself into her somehow.
“Lily,” I whisper. The feeling of her name on my lips makes me so hot. The sound of it is as beautiful as she is. I nibble on her ear and beg her, “Come for me, baby.”
“Oh, fuck, Jack. Fuck.”
She writhes and twists against me and I keep my arm wrapped tight around her so she can’t move far. My thrusts are insistent and rhythmic, but her body is all over the place. She feels like she’s melting, but I hold on tight, guiding her to orgasm. She’s both begging me to stop and begging me to continue and I just keep pounding into her, until she’s limp against me, and soaking wet between her legs. I touch and kiss her everywhere. By the time I come along her ass, she is quivering and she can’t say a complete word.
“I’m gonna miss you,” I tell her and I slowly rock her back down by playing with her clit until the swelling subsides. She has one more soft orgasm against my hand. “I love you, Lily.”
I get up to go to the bathroom, to clean up and get some tissues. When I come back, she’s still lying naked on my bed, but she’s no longer shaking.
“You’re incredible,” she says and her face is glowing.
“Only with you, princess. You make me incredible,” I tell her and gather her in my arms. I want to fall asleep holding her, but she has to go soon, so we lie there silently until it’s time.
“I’ll call you as soon as I get home,” she says, running her hand through my hair and kissing me softly. Her eyes are wet, and I’ll miss her, but for once, I have no doubt that it’s only temporary.
Chapter 26
I end up heading back after Lily leaves. I need to figure out her gift and the dorm is almost silent. She was one of the last ones to go and it just feels eerie being here alone. I already have enough trouble belonging. There’s something about an empty college dorm that really doesn’t help those feelings of isolation.
I don’t go home right away, swinging by the café to see Sandee, Liz, and Mal. Nicole’s on too, though, so I don’t stay long. I have two weeks off as a “Christmas bonus.” When you’re a short order cook at a café that gets no real business, you don’t get a cash bonus. You get a turkey. Since I didn’t want to eat a 15-pound turkey by myself, they took pity on me and gave me time off.
Alana texts me while I’m at the café; she wants me to meet up with her and Dave for dinner. He was planning to wait to see me, but after she told him she’d seen me earlier in the day, he decided he wanted to get together. It’s a little terrifying. It’s been a long time and I’m afraid it will be awkward, but as soon as I meet them, the time is gone. Dave grabs me in a hug, which is not really like him.
“Dude, I fucking missed you,” he says.
I shake off the hug, because even after two years and even though he’s my best friend, it feels weird. People just don’t touch me.
“You never wrote,” I remind him.
“I just didn’t know. I figured you hated me.”
“Why would I hate you? You were my only friend.”
Alana clears her throat.
“You and Alana, obviously.”
Dave shakes his head. “It was tough, man. I knew I needed out. I needed to get the fuck away from my dad. But going there, dealing with that shit… It’s just not real what happens over there, you know? I felt like I was split into two people. This guy you knew – and then this guy who’s seen some really, really fucked up shit. And I didn’t want you there with me. You’ve been through enough. That was my burden to face.”
I think of Sandee and what she told me. “It’s never a burden to love someone,” I say.
“What the fuck? Are you gay now?”
Alana laughs. “Hell, no. Jack wouldn’t know what to do without a girl.”
“Not
a
girl anymore,” I say. “
The
girl.”
She rolls her eyes, but it’s teasing. I know she’s happy about it. There’s been a shift in everything. A lightness in our friendship, a lessening of the need we have and the demands we put on each other. It’s not all Lily or all Dave, but a combination of them as well as growing up and realizing some things about the way we are.
“So I hear,” Dave says. “When do I get to meet her?”
I shrug. “Sometime after the holidays.”
“You’re not seeing her for Christmas?” He seems surprised.
“Now you’re doing holidays too?” I ask.
Alana speaks up. “Owen invited Dave. We’re having things. Like Christmas Eve. And food. And stockings. He even bought one of those calendar things. With the chocolate in it?”
“No idea,” I say.
“Well, it’s this like cheap ass calendar with a countdown or whatever to Christmas and every day, there’s a Christmas-y chocolate when you open the little window for the day. There’s a fucking picture that I think is supposed to be the same as the chocolate. Today it was a picture of a bell, but the chocolate was just a round piece of chocolate.”
“Nice.” What the fuck do you say to that? People have chocolate countdown calendars for Christmas; I have pans.
“Eh. Don’t worry about it,” she says. “The chocolate tastes like ass.”
I don’t resent Alana or Dave for having plans for the holidays, just as I don’t resent Lily for not inviting me for hers, but I do feel a little left out. I wonder, if things had turned out differently, if I would’ve had Christmas with my parents. Or would my mom still be a junkie and my dad still be running away to work?
At home after dinner, I unpack and run a load of laundry. It’s always weird coming back for break. My grandmother and I don’t know how to coexist, because we just have different goals. She wants to visit my dad and watch TV and enjoy quiet for the first time in her life; I tend to want to disappear. I love her, but I’ve never felt
home
here; I’ve always felt like a guest. Even with the basement to myself, I don’t usually leave my room except when I have to do chores or something. I know she tries and I kind of wish things were different, but it’s habit now.
I’m sitting in my room, reading over my lists for ideas for Lily. I followed Alana’s suggestion and ordered the dildo, because at least I know Lily likes sex with me and I know that’s not something she’ll be sharing with anyone else. But I don’t want to give her a dildo for Christmas. At least not for real. My phone buzzes and I pick up without even checking. No one calls me when I’m home unless it’s someone I want to talk to.
It’s Lily and I settle back on my bed, surprised by how relieved and overwhelmed I feel to hear her voice.
“I miss you,” she says. “What are you up to?”
“Nothing much. I went out for dinner with Alana and Dave, but now I’m just sitting in my room, reading. My grandmother wants to take me shopping tomorrow for shoes.”
“Shoes?”
“She doesn’t know what to do, Lily. So she buys me shoes and sheets and pans. Because it’s the only way she can deal with things.”
She’s quiet for a minute and I realize I probably ruined her night. Her parents probably have tinsel and chocolate countdown calendars, too.
When she speaks, her voice is nervous. “What are you doing for Christmas?”
“I’ll probably open a few things in the morning and have lunch with my grandmother. She’ll go to the prison in the afternoon. I’ll probably ride out to see my mom. And then I’ll come home and drink a shit ton of eggnog. And eventually, I’ll just drink the rum.”
She laughs but it’s a sad laugh. I don’t know what she expected, though.
“Can I come up for Christmas?”
“What about your family?” I don’t want to get my hopes up, but hearing the word Christmas from Lily like that makes me feel like I’m part of something.
“I’ll see them Christmas Eve,” she says. “I mean, unless you have other plans?”
I laugh. “Yeah, you can come up for Christmas.”
“I want to go with you. To see your mom, I mean.”
“Are you sure?” What’s strange is that there is no hesitation in me. I’ll bring her if she wants to go and it’s then that I realize exactly how much I love her. Because it took a long time to bring Alana, and she’s it. But Lily asks once and I am ready.
“Positive.”
“I don’t know what to say to that,” I admit.
“Don’t say anything. Just let me in.”
Her parents need her, so she has to go, but she tells me she loves me and we make plans for Christmas. I hang up, feeling completely overwhelmed. Christmas. With Lily. And then I go into overdrive, because I need to make this perfect. I need to plan something that will show her just how much she means to me. And it starts by reading through these damn gift ideas.
****
On Christmas morning, I get up early not only to open the shoes I bought with my grandmother just days before, but also to see Lily. She said she’d be here by ten and I’m pacing by nine. My grandmother and I decided to skip lunch today, so I could have the time with Lily. She’s getting ready to go see my dad while I stare out the window, waiting for my girlfriend. I’m not upset at all, because seeing Lily is better than anything else. I bought her gift the same day I got the shoes. Her real gift. When I bought it, I thought it was perfect. I pictured giving it to her and I imagined she’d understand how much I feel for her. But now, thinking about the bag sitting on my bed, it seems so fucking stupid. It’s the kind of gift a little kid gives his friend in first grade – and I’m planning to give it to the goddamn love of my life. I am a fucking moron.
I almost decide to throw the whole thing out, but I don’t have a backup plan. Except a dildo and that’s not what you give the girl who changes you. I know she’s giving up so much to be with me today. For the first time in my sad life, someone cares more about me than anyone else. And it’s an amazing feeling that I want to reciprocate. I just wish my gift was less lame.
At five of ten, there’s a soft knock on the door. I open it and Lily’s standing in the doorway. Her blonde hair is down, but she has a bright red scarf wrapped around most of it. She’s bundled up in about eighty layers of fleece.
“Merry Christmas,” I say.
She almost forces me down the stairs and into my room. It’s kind of sweet that she already feels comfortable enough to walk right in. As soon as I shut my bedroom door, she takes the scarf off and rushes me, kissing me all over my face and neck. “Merry Christmas, Jack. I love you. I love you so much.”
I step away from her, not because I don’t want to touch her, because believe me, I really, really do. But I want to give her the gift. I lead her to my bed by her hand and she takes off some of her layers. She lays each on the floor as she gets it off and I can’t help but think of that fairy tale of the princess and the pea. Except this time, the princess
is
the damn pea.
After what seems like thirty layers later, Lily lies back on the bed and smiles. “Have I told you how much I love you?”
I sit next to her. “You have, but you can tell me again if you want.”
She looks up at me and her blue green eyes are sparkling. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. And I have a present for you.”
“You didn’t need to get me anything,” she says. “I didn’t get anything for you yet and, honestly? You’re all I could ever want.”
“I feel the same way, but I wanted to. I’ve never done this,” I tell her. “I’m worried it won’t be right.”
“It’s just a present. You’re overthinking it.”
She reaches out her hand and runs her fingers through my hair. It still takes me by surprise that the smallest touch, the slightest sign of affection can not only set my pulse racing, but can also make me feel so many varied emotions at the same time. Her fingertips have a power in them to pull out all of my deepest secrets. And I want to share them with her. I want to lay myself and my life at her feet and give myself over to this magic she holds. I want to be complete with her, because she makes me feel like I deserve completeness.