Linda Goodman's Sun Signs (22 page)

If he's a true Cancerian, he won't be wild about sports clothes. There's a certain formality about his toilet. Whether he's worth billions or only a few paltry thousands, he likes conservative cuts and good tailoring. He often leans to collar buttons (yes, they still sell them—to Cancerians), French cuffs and expensive shirts he gets wholesale, usually without monograms (too showy; he prefers to be inconspicuous). Even when he's short of cash for a brief period while he's working on his first million, his shoes will be polished and his socks will stay up. During any shaky financial period (and it will be temporary), a Cancer male will somehow exude an air of genteel rich, or one who has known better days. If he hasn't, he will. Fairly substantial amounts of money will someday come to this man, or he'll be given the opportunity to earn large sums of it. He won't always be wealthy, but a Cancerian in the unemployment line is as rare as a pineapple tree in Siberia. His secret motto is that “all play and no work gives Jack a skinny billfold,” and he prefers his wallets pleasingly plump.

Let's hope you find his mother congenial. In fact, let's pray you do. It's fairly certain she'll pop up in his conversation frequently, in remarks like, “My mother never wears much makeup, and she's a beautiful woman. Don't you think your eye shadow is a little heavy, sweetheart?” Or “You use frozen pies and instant potatoes? My mother used to bake her own bread when I was a youngster.” This paragon of virtue is quite likely to pop up just as often in person, when you least expect it. “Darling, I have to cancel our date for the theater tonight. I'm driving Mother out to the country for a few days.” To put it mildly, the Cancer man may be reluctant to dethrone Mama and crown you as his new queen. He's a terribly domesticated crab, for all his occasional stirrings of wanderlust, and if his mother made his home cozy, he'll be in no hurry to leave it. Cancerians are either very, very close to their mothers or completely alienated from them. The relationship is never casual. Those who don't revere the maternal parent are either adopted, or jealousy of the father's place in the mother's affection has caused an emotional block. Then there can be an unnatural coldness and isolation.

With the typical crab, however, the problem is far more likely to be closeness. There's no use hiding the facts of life. If you're in love with this more common type of Cancerian, you'll have to cultivate his mother, and you'll have to be her rival while you're showering her with compliments. It's not easy to cultivate and compete at the same time, but that's the strategy you'll need. Don't ever let her get the edge on cooking and home-making. Let her teach you how to bake lemon chiffon pie. He'll like that—you two women getting along so nicely. Then turn around and do a brilliant beef Stroganoff on your own. Be sure to spoil him at least as much as she does, and that may be a lot. He's probably grown accustomed to being considered the apple of her eye. Being fussed over, fed regularly, catered to, hovered over when he's sick, and tucked in bed tenderly at night can turn him into a mighty sweet crab. Cancer men will never admit it, but they love to be petted and babied by females.

There are certain traits, however, which can even up the score in your relationship. For one, he'll be a pretty good chef himself. He may surprise you with his ability to whip up a gourmet meal. When this man invites you to come up to his apartment for dinner, he's usually quite serious. Even if he asks you to look at his etchings, there may be no ulterior motive. The typical Cancerian male is a devotee of the finer things in life. In plain talk, he digs culture. For all you know, he may actually own some rare etchings or at least a fabulous record collection. You're fairly safe in risking an unchaperoned trip to his rocky cave, because the typical lunar man is the soul of gallantry with women. He'll usually be a gentleman until you stop being a lady. It's the way they did it in Grandma's day, and to him, those were the good old days. (That's probably Grandma's photograph on the mantle.) Ask him about his family tree. He'll love to tell you. Most Cancerians delight in their backgrounds and their blood lines. He likes old things, from Grandma herself to that Eighteenth Century fruitwood table he bought the first time he went to Europe.

If he asks to take your picture, don't grab your babushka and run. Photography is a common lunar hobby, and few Cancer males live their lives without at least one camera. Of course, he could have Venus in Scorpio or a Leo Moon, so maybe it would be more discreet to check his natal chart before you agree to anything. Whatever it is, just say, “I'd love to, dear, but do you mind if I call my astrologer first? I'll need your birthday.” If he thinks you're jesting, you can straighten that out right away. Just tell him that J. P. Morgan seldom made a move in the stock market without consulting astrologer Evangeline Adams, who was the granddaughter and great-granddaughter of John Quincy Adams and John Adams. The combination of both history and money will open his eyes wide with interest.

The Cancer man may go for quite a spell without inviting you to see either his etchings or his fruitwood table. Although he may engage in light flirtations, it may be many years before he becomes seriously enamored, because it isn't easy for him to find a woman he feels is worthy of his interest. When he finds her, he'll be beautifully sentimental, and he'll lavish her with gifts and admiration. But his standards are high. Not every woman can meet them. Most crabs are afraid of being burned, and not without cause. A mismatched alliance which would cause only a few sad weeks of readjustment for the average man, can be a disaster to the crab. When something separates him from a partner he's allowed himself to get close to, he can carry a torch for many years.

He's naturally shy of rushing in, but once he's sure, he won't be easily rebuffed. Cancerians can play the role of the romantic lover artfully. After he's declared himself, and has some hope of winning you, his timidity will switch to tenacity overnight, and you'll find yourself being courted by an earnest, determined man who won't take no as an answer for any proposal he has in mind. He's likely to stuff himself in your mailbox (figuratively, of course), camp on your doormat and monopolize your phone. It's hard to slide away from the grip of the crab. You probably won't want to, of course. Lots of women are looking for a moonlit world like his to dream in, where someone will hold them tightly and protect them from the big, bad wolf at the door.

Now that you know he's not a sloppy dresser nor a spendthrift, that he can probably cook like a dream, has excellent taste, is looking for an old-fashioned girl like the one who married dear old Dad, and that he can be a cooing lovebird (when he's not in a snappy mood), what other information could you possibly need? How is he as a father? That's the best news of all. Cancerians are all mothers at heart. Even the men.

What I really mean to say is, he'll be a fine parent, because of the same caring, gentle, sympathetic, and understanding nature you fell in love with yourself. He'll have infinite patience with the children, be genuinely interested in every mashed toe, broken toy and toothache. He'll wear a paper hat at their birthday parties, be a pied piper for all the kids on the block, and spend countless hours entertaining the little people. Cancer dads are proud of their sons and fiercely protective of their daughters. When they're small, he'll be just the grandest daddy you could imagine. However, adolescence may churn up the water somewhat.

He'd like his loved ones to lean on him forever, and when they show signs of independence, he may become a cranky crab again for a period, as he rebels against their desire to experiment with the world outside.

He'll pace the floor until he wears a hole in the carpet when young William has the car out after midnight or when pretty Emily stays at the dance past her curfew. Remember how figures impress him? Use plain arithmetic to make him see the error of his ways. “It's like this, dearest. Right now we have two children. When they get married, we might have six or eight grandchildren, like dividends at the bank. Six or eight adds up to more happiness than two, right?” (You have him there.) “I'm so glad you agree, luv. Now will you please tell us where you hid Emily's wedding gown, and will you please take those handcuffs off William so he can pick up his marriage license?” Don't try it during a full moon. He might misunderstand. Besides, no Cancerian can think straight when the lunar vibrations are strong. It's hard for him to give up control, but when he's reminded that he still has you to cling to, his grip will loosen.

Well, that's all in the future. Your immediate problem is to entice your crab to move directly toward a proposal soon, instead of cleverly dodging from side to side and skirting the issue. You might try pretending you're leaving him for a bolder, cave man type. Usually the crab will stop his backward direction, when the object—that's you—shows signs of getting away. But that requires scouting around for another man to wake him up. And that can be a real bore, since he watches you so closely.

The easiest way to get him in the mood to take hold tightly and stop playing scrabble every night, is to work on his emotions, which are always right below the surface of his adding machine mind. Music, poetry, flowers, beautiful clothes, expensive perfume sparingly used, soft words and sweet caresses are all weapons which should mow down his weak resistance to romance. Don't overlook that direct line between his heart and his stomach. Cut out baby pictures from magazines, offer to hem his pants, and while you're at it, take up the hems of your skirts an extra inch, and baby him a little. Wear one of those bracelets made of foreign coins. That will strike two sensitive chords—travel to faraway shores—and cash. One night he'll impulsively ask you if you'd like to meet his mother. The very next morning feel perfectly safe to order your invitations and your trousseau. You will have won the heart of a moody lunar man with a thousand secret dreams—and the approval of his best girl. Then you can “sail away for a year and a day” and “dance by the light of the moon” while you “eat cheese with a runcible spoon.” Bon voyage! Don't forget—never throw away his battered old hat, his torn tennis shoes, his stamp collection or his grade school report cards. They're his treasures. Be sure to take your umbrella along. There will be some damp nights. May I say you look elegant with your new Rolex? But of course. A woman is beautiful only when she is loved—and you are.

There's no doubt about it. In the beginning, you'll have trouble deciding if your Cancerian woman is a gentle moon maiden or a wild loony-bird. In the end, you still won't know.

During the rainy season, she'll drown you in her sorrows. When the sun peeks through the clouds again, she'll double you up with laughter, and touch you with tenderness. Experiencing her moods is like watching one of those old-time silent movies, where hysterical slapstick humor comes on just before the
Perils of Pauline
thriller, and the entire show is backed by the tinny piano in the pit. Sometimes the tune is lively and gay; then it gets melancholy and blue. The music is variable, to suit the occasion, never stagnant or monotonous. So it is with the Cancer female. She's just a little mad, slightly sad and superbly imaginative. She also knows how to save the shekels.

Naturally, you can't look under her mattress until after you've married her. Modesty is a thing with her. But you can safely make a bet she probably has an old sock there, stuffed with green bills and silver coins. She may have an extravagant ascendant or Moon sign, but even so, she'll have a quarter or two stuck under the potted azalea, or salted away in the folds of that lace tablecloth she got for her birthday ten years ago and still hasn't ever used. Open one of her books of poetry, and a wrinkled dollar bill may fall out, blinking at the light of day. A Cancer female can go on a sudden spending spree when she's been hurt and needs balm for her injured ego, but most of the time her outgo will lag considerably behind her income. Your savings account may be of unusual interest to her, and money may be one of her favorite topics of conversation. She won't look down on you if you don't have it, so long as you're the kind of man who tries to get it. She'll help you make it and save it, but you're on your own when it comes to wasting it. Don't go too far, or she'll see your mutual security slipping away. When you give this woman a terribly expensive gift, and she says, “You shouldn't have done it,” let me tell you, she means it.

To take her mind off insurance, mortgages, rent, bills and her Christmas club balance at the bank, bundle her off to the seashore at midnight for a walk in the moonlight. That's when she'll be at her best. The moon will pull out all her secret dreams, and the nearness of the water may loosen her four hundred and three inhibitions. You're liable to see her whole range of emotions in the space of an hour. Then you can choose the one you like the best and encourage her to cultivate it. A strange transformation will take place when you get the typical Cancerian female alone on a beach under a full moon. That cool and reserved lady you see in the daytime, or even the giggly, outrageous flirt you notice on an occasional evening in a restaurant or theater, will suddenly become a creature from another world when the magnetic rays of the moon shine in her eyes and the compelling sound of the surf fills her ears. She'll turn into a sea nymph, who can soar with you as far as your imagination can reach. It will work nine times out of ten, and the tenth time you probably picked a new moon. That won't accomplish the same purpose. She'll be shy and sweet when the moon is waning, but what you really want is a moon that's full enough to arouse all her latent talents. Under its spell, at the right time in her personal ebb and flow of emotions, she can write a poem, compose a song or tear the veil off mysteries the philosophers have pondered for centuries. Naturally, she makes an interesting conversationalist at these times. To say the very least.