Authors: Lisa Lutz
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Dr. Sophia Rush—Therapist #2.
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Dr. Ira Schwartzman—Therapist #1.
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I’ve found the long pause an excellent way to pass time in therapy. Until this session, I thought it had gone unnoticed.
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For other surefire ways to kill time in therapy, see appendix.
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San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.
1
For an incomplete dossier on Dad, see appendix.
2
Mom hired a recent graduate from the American Conservatory Theater and armed him with a tape recorder and a list of questions to casually integrate into the conversation. For example: 1) Have you ever been in therapy? 2) Is it helping you? 3) Do you plan on being a bartender forever? 4) Are you seeing anyone right now? 5) How many tattoos does he have?
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Not true. I’ve done all sorts of other things, like go to movies, take strolls in the park, drink coffee, drink other stuff, eat food, sleep, etc.
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That was an accident and he knows it.
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These kinds of questions one should never answer. So I didn’t.
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He’s laying it on thick now, working the guilt angle.
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Finger quotes.
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Old in the literal sense. He’s eighty-four.
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Mortimer Schilling, retired defense attorney. For more information, see appendix.
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A San Francisco landmark. Easy to locate. Serves a mean black and white milkshake.
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Once again, if you’ve failed to read the previous two documents—
The Spellman Files
and
Curse of the Spellmans
(both available in paperback!)—and you need further background information, see appendix.
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Henry’s diet veers toward extreme health consciousness. If you want any food with flavor in his house, you really must bring your own supplies.
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For David’s dossier, see appendix.
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Indeed I do.
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Namely, the good stuff.
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Olivia Spellman. For brief dossier, see appendix.
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Um, yes!
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See appendix.
19
Namely, the PI and bartender lines.
1
This might surprise you, but I’d grown quite comfortable with these extended silences in Dr. Ira’s office. A fifty-minute session is a fifty-minute session. There’s no wiggle room. Long silences kill time. Silence means less work. This I have learned.
1
Curse of the Spellmans
—now available in paperback!
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My dad’s actual word choice.
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I intend nothing derogatory by using the word “shrink”; it’s just faster to type than the alternatives.
1
The first few times are extremely awkward. Ride it out. It gets easier.
1
Even though I’m a firm believer in not mixing booze.
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Details to follow.
1
This was in fact my first case as an independent contractor.
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Linda was scheduled to leave at 11:15.
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Mom always takes the prescription but never the pills, in some sort of sick test of her pain threshold. I’ve been meaning to mention this to Ex-boyfriend #9, Dr. Daniel Castillo, DDS.
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A porcelain garden frog given to David by our eccentric Grammy Spellman.
1
In English this means “Moishe’s belly button.” Appetizing, huh?
1
David doesn’t make a habit of drinking coffee out of a can, but he keeps several units on hand in case of a natural disaster.
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Literally—my name is taped to the label. David keeps the bottle around specifically for me.
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No. No one knows how she got the password.
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I believe Henry was referring to a few of the individuals on my list of ex-boyfriends (see previous two documents for details, if you’re curious).
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Don’t get me started.
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There is indeed a file on each of the Spellman children. I wish I could say that these resemble scrapbooks, but they’re really more like official dossiers—think fingerprints, not finger paintings.
1
“He was soooo guilty,” according to Maggie. Not that she didn’t wage an excellent defense.
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Yes, I asked. Apparently, Henry no longer allows marshmallows in his home since they are one of the primary ingredients in a few of Rae’s favorite and messiest recipes.
1
The hiding place where Maggie discovered the Halloween candy.
2
Ashleigh used to be Rae’s only other friend besides Henry, but in the last year her social network has greatly expanded.
1
I was giving him a special deal. Don’t think I’d charge you the same.
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I agree, not terribly clever.
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Consider it mentioned.
1
For recipe, see appendix.
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Lie.
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Daniel’s neurosurgeon wife.
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End of Court-Ordered Therapy.
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Specifically, teeth-sucking.
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In case you were curious, rule #2: no deli meats in the car.
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Morty just wanted a chance to try out PI lingo. He was not actually concerned.
1
Henry refuses to keep overly processed grains in his home. Refined wheat flour (aka, regular old white flour enriched with vitamins) he claims is evil. I still can’t tell you what it ever did to him.
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Minus
Trail of the Pink Panther
and all the loosely connected films not starring Peter Sellers.
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For every hour of television watched, Henry makes Rae read for an hour. He has been known to enforce this rule on adults as well.
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Spelled “Cato” in subsequent films; no explanation.
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She pronounces them “Psssats.”
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For your own free online ordination, visit www.themonastery.org.
1
His bed is way better than the one in the guest room.
1
His lucky shirt. Which she then held for ransom.
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Okay, so she was doing it to help the vice squad, but no one asked her to.
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I would need to return it to its appropriate place once I made a copy.
1
Curse of the Spellmans
—now available in paperback!
2
Don’t worry, the secret apartment was equipped with a coffeemaker. Oh, but I need filters. Thanks for reminding me.
3
White Night. An all-night festival in Rome, the second Saturday of September, just before David’s visit.
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Labor strikes are a fact of life in Italy. There are more strikes in Italy than in any other country. It’s good to check before you travel.
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Celebrated on September 12 in Verona.
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He had something, but not jet lag.
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The phone was on vibrate, don’t worry.
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One of Rae’s PSAT words. I helped her study.
1
At this point in the game, I didn’t find the pause in any way awkward.
1
It seriously has no name.
1
If I were Maggie, here’s how I’d see it: He’s doing the cleaning and I’m not. Who cares about motivation?
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Note to self: Mention this credit to your character in therapy.
1
He doesn’t know. That’s what I was counting on.
1
Translation: Can we speak freely? (pig Latin).
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Sliced fruit. Rae would argue: not dessert.
1
There are two job interviews I mentioned here and then my meeting at a temp agency, which is more like a medical intake than a job interview.
2
One of our neighbors at the time kept getting our name wrong. David and I started calling our mom and dad Mr. and Mrs. Melman when we were in the mood to annoy.
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I am well aware that this is an incredibly old joke.
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I tend to be extra sensitive when I’m tired.
1
In my defense, I don’t usually cry when I discover there’s no coffee. Well, only once before.
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This was a guess. But the missing camping gear made it an educated one.
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Mid-life freak-out. But David used the term “existential crisis” instead. Tomato/tomato.
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So far my record in David’s place.
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Not his real name.
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Rae has left a distinctive pattern of blackmail in her wake. See original document,
The Spellman Files
, for details.
1
See, I am evolving. These drugs are legal.
1
Right here I decided to change the subject. I trusted doctor-patient confidentiality, but I didn’t trust the doctor to keep her opinion about the new living arrangement to herself.
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Actually, it’s not so long. During the three-month stretch at the age of twelve when I was forced to take ballet, I committed a series of pranks in which I took great pride. My crowning achievement, and the cause for my expulsion, was when I mopped the studio floor with vegetable oil right before class.
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Had a nice twenty-minute nap.
1
Petra is the only person who refuses to identify herself in voice mail messages.
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Milo calling.
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I refused to give Connor the satisfaction of ordering it by name, so I said, “Pour me a cup of coffee and put some whiskey in it.”
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I couldn’t help thinking he meant “gorgeous” ironically.
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The implication that the communication rift extended beyond my sister was intriguing.
1
Bravo, Petra. Bravo. For a partial transcript of their conversation, see appendix.
2
Wouldn’t it be simpler to call the restaurant directly?
1
Note to self: Do not refer to it as “our residence” in David’s company.
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See appendix.
1
Yes, a lie.
2
If you’ve read the second document (
Curse of the Spellmans
—now available in paperback!), maybe you’re thinking that I can’t really vouch for her. But my theory is this: David made Petra feel too much like a grown-up. Gabe will always live in a state of boyishness. Petra, too, needs to pretend she can stay young forever. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
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In the Spellman household, “disappearance” means “vacation.” It can also be used in its usual sense. (For full explanation, see appendix.)
1
I will have you know that I did not once mock his use of the modern matchmaker.
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Of course, it could be that self-involved thing at work again.
1
I always wait until at least noon.
1
Ernie was cooking dinner that night. Tuna casserole. He got the recipe from a women’s magazine that he picked up at the doctor’s office.
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Not a president, Ernie.
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Diabolique
(1996), starring Sharon Stone and Isabelle Adjani. A remake, of course.
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Which remained purely a “cheating incident” in the eyes of her unmoved guidance counselor.
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If I had a dime for every time that banana incident was mentioned to me…
1
For a list of Rae’s past culinary experiments, see appendix.
2
It’s basically a bunch of outtakes from previous films, but it’s the last Pink Panther film starring Peter Sellers.