She clear her throat, say Damn filthy cigarettes! Then she sing some more.
Also Miz Vivi even quit playin
bourrée
with her Ya-Yas for two–three months. She say Mister Big Shep forbid her to have anything to do with them, but I think she done made it all up in her head. I think she punishin herself cause she don’t have faith that the good Lord gonna hold her up. She don’t know nothin bout the Lord of mercy.
Ain’t nothin the same round that house since she done cut her foot all bad, got on them crutches and had that fight with Mister Big Shep. I didn’t see the fight, but I was in that house the next mornin, and I been round them two long enough to know how they can do each other.
Somehow hittin the Jack Daniels bottle still ain’t no sin in that house, though. Used to be, Miz Vivi wouldn’t start up till three o’clock just fore the chilren come home from the bus stop. But then she start makin herself them little what-they-call “Mimosas” first thing in the mornin. She pour it in a cup so I think she drinkin coffee. I got news for her: You don’t have no ice cubes chinkin the side of no coffee cup. Chink-chink-chink, that the sound in that house. Chink-chink-chink and the sound of that big old central air condition whirrin all the time. By the time I get to my stories, she already done had her a few. Not so no one else can tell, but I know how her voice dip down and get all relaxed the way it do when she drinkin. Oh yeah, she might quit a few days here and there, but she gain one or two pounds, then she get right back on the sauce. She say her drinkin keep her weight down. She say she the same size six she was in high school. And if she get fat, she gonna pay the Ya-Yas to shoot her. But she still announcin to everyone she ain’t touched a drop of whiskey since Mardi Gras. Uh-huh. I keep my lips zipped, is what I do.
See, one time I gone to her when she was in the den settin on the window seat with her saints book. Chaney done laid a fire for her, even though it wasn’t cold outside. She cranks up that central air condition and I don’t care if it’s ninety degrees outside, she announces to everyone that she
need
a fire. That’s what Miz Vivi always say when she be wantin somethin: I
need
it.
She look calm-like, so I says: Miz Vivi, I been workin for you more than ten years and you know I wouldn’t do nothin to hurt this family.
I know that, Willetta, she say.
And I tell her, I don’t mean no disrespect to the Walkers. Yall been good to me and my family. But somethin bad wrong goin on in this house, Miz Vivi.
She drag on her cigarette and say: Oh, don’t I know, Letta, don’t I know. There is more sin in this house than anyone will ever be forgiven for.
Well I don’t know bout that, I tell her, but your chilren is gettin mighty shook up the way you and Mister Big Shep be carryin on. Can’t you two say I’m sorry and let bygones be bygone?
She don’t move from the window seat, just look out the window like she gonna get a answer from the sky. Then she look at me all blank-face like I be a stranger. Look at me like we hadn’t been in that house together six days a week for ten—goin on eleven years. Like we ain’t cleaned up those chilren together when they been throwin up from the flu.
She look at me like I’m a nigger offa the street and she say: Willetta, you are a maid in this house. You are not a confessor, you are not a friend. You are a
maid
. Do not ever give me advice about how to handle my life again as long as you live. Do I make myself clear?
Yas’m, I tell her. You real clear. You clear as can be.
And then I gone outside and hung sheets on the line.
It was a good day for laundry, lots of wind and not too cloudy.
I swore to keep my mouth shut after that, never open it up again. All I could do was stand on the edge of that driveway and watch, try to let them chilren know I was there, even if it was only with my prayers.
Specially Siddy. She start up with her asthma and three–four times Chaney and me had to take her up to St. Cecilia’s. She get it at night after Miz Vivi and Mister Big Shep done passed out from drinkin. I thank God they was out, cause if they was to try and drive in the shape they was in, that girl wouldn’t need no oxygen, cause she woulda been dead in a car wreck. Baylor the one who call us up. I taught him our number soon as he could count—3-3-9-0. I get him to sing with me and show him the numbers on the dial phone. That was way fore you had your push-button emergency. He call, so me and Chaney go up to the house to get Siddy. She be wheezin and holdin her chest and that long red hair all tangled up in her face and she be holdin onto me. And I say: Just take it easy, babygirl, you gonna be alright.
I put her in the truck between Chaney and me and all I can do is rub her back, see can I get her to calm down. Half the time she got red belt whelps on her ankles and legs. And Lord, I don’t wanna even think what kinda marks she got under her little nightie. But those doctors at St. Cecilia, they don’t say nothin bout them marks. They know she Mister Big Shep’s and Miz Vivi’s
child. They just hook her up on the oxygen and give her a shot. Ain’t nobody in this town gonna say nothin to nobody bout the way they raise they chilren.
Back home in bed I lay up next to Chaney. I be cryin and he say, Letta you doin all you can.
My own two girls, Pearl and Ruby, already in they bed asleep, breathin regular. They my little ones, but I spend more time rearin the Walker chilren than I do my own babies, and that is the good Lord’s truth. Times I had to leave them by theyselves with 102-degree fever cause Miz Vivi be havin one of her dinner parties. Walkin up to that brick house to help serve court bouillon, when my babies be coughin and layin at home with hot little foreheads. Make me wanna hit that white woman.
And where is Mister Big Shep most all the time after the big fight? Out at the duck camp, leavin Chaney and the rest of the workers to run Pecan Grove. Chaney say, Bossman don’t know his crops from a hole in the ground these days. He don’t look out, he gonna lose ever’thing he done put in the ground.
Well, ain’t none of us want that to happen. All of us eatin the same gumbo round here, one way or the other.
This is how Miz Vivi done gone too far with the holy thing. She left me stayin with the chilren and gone off to a retreat in Arkansas with that pig-face priest and a bunch of other Catholic women, nary a one of them a
Ya-Ya. She come back after three days, had lost six or seven pounds, and her hands was shakin like Mexican jumpin beans. Tellin me she hadn’t touched a drop since she reached the Mississippi state line. Somethin bout her eyes make me wish she
had
been drinkin, cause I ain’t never seen her look that het up.
She say, Letta you go on home. I’m back now. I’ll take care of my chilren.
They was in the den watchin the TV. Little Shep had his little plastic gun thing what make his nametags that he put on everything. That boy love puttin his name on things. Siddy had on her false fingernails that she love. Lulu eatin her Oreos, settin up next to her big sister on the couch. Baylor, he holdin that old doll of Lulu’s with the bald head. They all loungin, all laid up. Don’t even get up to greet they Mama. Not cause they bad, just cause they be relaxin.
I shoulda never left out the house that day. I had a bad feelin up in my joints. But you can’t look back. Good Lord didn’t mean for us to hate ourself. He made us to love ourself like He do, with wide open arms.
I gone on home like she tell me. Chaney was in the rocker and Pearl and Ruby was plaitin each other’s hair, stickin in the little plastic barrettes I done bought them at Kress. Chaney had started some collards and cornbread the way we like on Sunday evenins. I been lucky, cause they’s most men won’t lift a finger to help you out round the house.
I gone in and drew me a bath with my Calgon and
was soakin when Chaney yell out: Letta! Come on out to the porch!
What in Sam Hill is goin on? I say. Ain’t no rest for the weary.
I grab my robe and run out to the porch and Chaney point to the Walker yard and say, Look over there!
I done heard them chilren screamin fore my eye even seen what was goin on. All four of my babies lined up against the wall of that brick house and every one of them buck naked. Miz Vivi out there with a belt, whuppin them like horses. And them just standin against the red brick. Yellin and cryin and screamin, but not even tryin to get away from her. Standin there, lettin her beat the livin daylights outta them like there be some big invisible wall round them. Why they not runnin away?! I shoulda taught them to run!
Me and Chaney watch it all, and what we supposed to do? We got jobs and a place to live and Miz Vivi is Mister Big Shep’s wife. She a white woman, she can do whatever she want.
I hear Siddy’s voice over the others. She be screamin, Mama don’t hit Baylor! Don’t hit him, Mama, please!
And I say to Chaney, You think I gonna stand out here and watch the chilren I raised get beat to death?!
He say, You wanna lose what jobs we got? You got somewhere else for us to live, niggerwoman?
I look at him and say, The Good Lord provideth. You call me niggerwoman again, you gonna end up with a voice higher than Ruby’s.
Chaney go and set on the porch steps, he ain’t movin. Say, Ain’t my bidness.
Pearl and Ruby come out on the porch. They watchin, too. Chaney look at them. He look up at me. I head over to his truck and the girls start trailin along.
Chaney he stand up and say: Pearl, Ruby, yall go on back inside.
Then he finally move hisself (like I knowed he would). He get behind the wheel and we fly down the lane, Sunday dust blowin every whicha way, settlin on my skin still wet from my bath.
I be prayin out loud: Heavenly Father, you gotta guide our hands—you gotta guide our feet—please tell us what to do in these white people’s yard.
Chaney don’t even use they driveway, he pull straight up on the lawn where she beatin on them. And that truck hardly come to a halt fore I jump out, run over to Miz Vivi, say, Stop it, you hear?! Stop that! You leave them chilren alone!
And she turn like she plannin to whup up on me, too. She swing out with that belt and hit me round my elbow. But I got on my robe, where them chilren ain’t wearin a stitch.
Chaney he reach up and grab that belt outta her hand, say: Miz Viviane, you gotta stop behavin like this.
And she go for him tryin to slap and kick him. You filthy nigger, she yell, don’t you dare touch me! I will have your black ass fired off this place before you can spit!
But Chaney he a big strong man and he grab her hands and hold them together, and she still kickin and yellin, but she not doin no more harm to anyone. Them babies all cryin, they bleedin, and Siddy—oh Siddy, she done wet all over herself! Lulu be eatin on her hair like she do. Little Shep tryin to act like nothin done happened, like he a little bitty daddy. Like he got important bidness to tend to somewhere else. And Baylor be all blue-faced from holdin his breath.
I get holt of him and say, Breathe now, baby, breathe.
Sweet Jesus, I seen they whole lives in front of them, how they would be when they was grown. I seen it all just by lookin at them right that minute in that yard. And it done froze my blood.
I put them in the truck and Chaney let go of Miz Vivi. He jump in with us and he drive down the lane to our house. I be thinkin, Maybe Miz Vivi might come after us. But she just stay standin in that yard, lookin out at the fields like we never been nowhere round.
It was the first time I seen the truth: That woman ain’t just a drunk, she crazy as a Betsy bug.
I call up Miz Buggy, Miz Vivi’s Mama, tell her she better come on over. And then I wash the blood off them chilren’s little white bodies, tryin to be careful as I can round what that belt done did to them. Take my what-they-call “burn plant” and pat on some of its juice, all the time prayin: Lord, Lord, come down and help these little ones.
I put them in some of Pearl and Ruby’s clothes, even
though Little Shep he starts to cryin and cryin, say: I don’t want to look like a sissy! I can’t wear these! I want my clothes! He don’t stop cryin, now he worse off than any of them.
I set them down round the kitchen table and I don’t know what is gonna happen next. My own two girls starin at them Walker chilren with they mouths hangin open.
I say, Ruby and Pearl, babies, yall close yall mouths fore they get full up with flies.
Ruby say to Siddy, You look funny in my dress.
I say, Shush, Ruby! Don’t you go makin fun of this child right now!
I be thinkin: What in the good Lord’s world gonna happen to us all at Pecan Grove? Mister Big Shep fire us, I don’t know where we gonna go. It ain’t easy to find jobs like we got in 1963 Louisiana.
Siddy’s false fingernails hangin off and she gnawin on her own bit-down nails and she ax me: Letta, is it a sin for us to be over here when Mama is over there by herself?
I pull her to me, tryin to be careful cause I know her skin be raw. I tell her, I don’t wanna hear you worryin yourself no more bout what be a sin, you hear me, babygirl?
I stand up and tell all them, Just set there. Letta gonna fix yall some cornbread and milk.
My own daughters be holdin onto me over by the stove actin like they scart of white chilren in our
house. I forget that I knows these Walkers inside out, but my own chilren ain’t hardly never been round them. Pearl, she finally go get her and Ruby’s colorin book and the coffee can of Crayola pieces and put them on the table. Baylor he start to colorin. He cryin out the side of his eyes but colorin all the same.
Miz Buggy finally come and get them. She say: Now Letta and Chaney, I don’t want a word of this to go any further than this house, yall hear me? Miz Viviane is just upset with all she has on her mind. Miz Viviane has just been pushed too far by that Baptist husband of hers! Don’t you ever repeat any of this.
I tells her, Yas’m.
And she take off to her house up by City Park with them chilren in her Fairlane. And I ain’t never forgot it, not even when I looked down at that old woman in her casket: She ain’t never thought to send back my own two babies’ clothes what I had dressed them four Walker chilren in. What did she do with them clothes? Turn them into dustrags? I still wish I knowed. This is somethin what haunt me when I pray, somethin I can’t forgive.