Authors: Alex McCord,Simon van Kempen
Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle) (24 page)
Chapter 15
You’re Such a Great Parent, You Should Be on TV (LOL)
Parenting On-Screen vs. Off-Screen
Alex
I am the perfect mother. I am a fabulous diva in the house, my children and husband adore me and I can do no wrong. Look up “Mommylicious” in the dictionary and you will see a photo of me in a ball gown, breast-feeding an infant while making Osso Buco and directing carpenters to build a bookcase for my Dickens and Shakespeare. On the weekends, I mulch our organic garden with homemade compost, brush the cats, bake bread and amuse the boys by standing on my head singing the
Gilligan’s Island
theme song in Latin. Simon sits on a hassock in the living room, cuddling the children while catching up on world events and the cricket score via all the international newspapers on his BlackBerry. Later in the afternoon he will mow the backyard, prune the hedges, change the oil in the car and rewire a few lamps while teaching the boys calculus. And if you believe that, please e-mail me your savings account information and password so I can wire you $10 million from the central bank of a developing country.
Gilligan’s Island
theme song in Latin. Simon sits on a hassock in the living room, cuddling the children while catching up on world events and the cricket score via all the international newspapers on his BlackBerry. Later in the afternoon he will mow the backyard, prune the hedges, change the oil in the car and rewire a few lamps while teaching the boys calculus. And if you believe that, please e-mail me your savings account information and password so I can wire you $10 million from the central bank of a developing country.
Simon
I am not sitting on a hassock in the living room, no ma’am. I am lurking in your closet trying on all those fabulous Cavalli ball gowns I convinced you to buy (me), while I add an “e” to the end of my first name and try to seduce every one of your friends’ husbands… well, everyone except Mario, that is.
Alex
Surprisingly, I never questioned our parenting skills (much) before signing up for a reality show. That’s not to say I thought we were fabulous, but we were doing just fine. Little did I know that once our family was on edited display, every little word and action would be picked apart by people who really have nothing better to do than criticize others. We didn’t expect that the kids would look as hyper as they did in the first season of our show, but in hindsight we should have seen it coming. Do cute kids behaving themselves make good TV? Should you go on a reality show and bring your young family along if you’ve never watched the genre before? Maybe if we had we’d have run away screaming, or maybe we’d have still done it but been better prepared to be skewered the first year. As long as there are confident (naïve?) people in the world who don’t watch TV, you will have a few of those same individuals willing to open up their homes to camera crews thinking, “What could possibly go wrong?”
Lights, Camera, Action!
Psychologists have said that the act of observing someone changes their behavior. Most reality TV participants say, “No, I don’t behave any differently when the cameras are around. I am who I am!” Adults and teenagers are better at this than young kids. We are able to handle the idea that although there is a crew of people around, we are wearing body mics under our clothing and a big fuzzy boom is over our heads, we should attempt to ignore it all and behave as normally as possible. For kids, it’s that much more difficult, and in those situations they can be really unpredictable. We work hard to keep it real when we’re shooting and mostly it’s easy, but not all the time, which is why many people who are very entertaining at parties wind up not making good reality TV subjects.
When people ask me how I could put such ill-mannered children on television, I laugh and tell them that our children never misbehave! They are perfectly articulate young gentlemen who shake hands, look people in the eye and have stimulating conversations about politics and health care reform with new acquaintances at cocktail parties. They love the TV crew and try to be helpful when moving camera equipment. They always put everything they touch back in its proper place and they never, ever fart on camera. Uh-huh.
Simon
After the first season aired I quickly realized that there was no successful way to rebut people attacking our parenting of our boys, based on the few minutes they’d seen on the show. Whether we had fallen into the trap of agreeing to film a “breakfast scene reading the morning paper” in late afternoon when the boys were definitely not in morning mode, or allowed them to stay up way past their bedtimes, the retort was always the same—you’re bad parents because you do
a
,
b
or
c
, and if it wasn’t that complaint, then it was, “You shouldn’t put your children on TV.”
a
,
b
or
c
, and if it wasn’t that complaint, then it was, “You shouldn’t put your children on TV.”
Now three years in, I don’t think that appearing on the show has harmed either boy. Yes, in subsequent seasons we were much more aware of situations to avoid with them on camera, but we have three years of great footage of them as young kids and they’re learning some camera skills and confidence around other people. While they are still not yet at an age where the negative things people might write about them has any effect and we are all enjoying it, then we’ll continue. If we or they have doubts over whether we should continue then we’ll seriously think about stopping but that decision will be ours and not based on some anonymous comment or fly-by post.
Never Work with Children or Animals…
TOP 10 HILARIOUS THINGS THE BOYS HAVE DONE WHILE FILMING OR AT PHOTO SHOOTS:10.
Credit or Debit?
In St. Barthsevery year we take a mom and child(ren) photo on top of Pointe Colombier the highest spot on the island Three years ago François didn’t want to stand still and we were worried about him fall ing, as it is the edge of a cliff. Simon gave him a credit card to play with and unintentionally it was his black AmEx. Monsieur François likes to play grocery store and all those things kids do
s backside with the credit card. We have a couple of great photos (which will never see the light of day) of Alex laughing so hard she nearly dropped Johan while being on the receiving end of a metal credit card wedgie.
9.
Kill the Burger
One of the more infamous kid scenes on our show involved François and a guest8.
Jellybeans Will Get You High.
If you’re filming a scene and trying to keep the boys in their chairs bribery is permissible Any prize involv ing sugar however is a BAD idea Just don’t do it7.
Chocolate Looks Like Blood on TV.
There have been a few times that our chocoholic little boys have had treats while we6.
When in Doubt
Kids are naturally curious, and one of our more fun experiences involved filming with a handicapped dog A house that we rented in the Hamptons two years ago came with the spa services of the owner a masseuse who brought with her a dog with three legs The boys were fascinated by the animal and wanted to know how she could walk why did she lose her leg, etc. I was so proud that the cameras caught them being politely inquisitive
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