Little Tim, Big Tim (19 page)

This was a signal that integration was going to happen, we had evidence that the parts where starting work towards integration. Now we needed to adapt and emplace techniques that we discussed that can be used in crisis situations as the theatre and you would go and practice those and return and report which ones worked for you and which didn’t.

Tim:
To be honest, I didn’t know what I was doing. I just let life present situations either consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously, the opportunities arose. The other levels you refer to propelled me out of my created reality into a world of the soap opera. I could see your world; I could hear it, however perception was that I was not part of your world, just observing.

I watched the scene being acted in front and behind the cameras, I soaked all of this reality, I now was ready to immerse myself in your world. By learning acting skills I now could step stealthily into your world being safe, in the zone of real and pretend, that the institution of acting offers.

Martin Challis offered his time and skill and then the confusion started to lift as clarity grasped it logical place. Someone else worked with the selves to assist me to be myself.

Dr Jan:
At that time, it was amazing, really the timing of that was exactly right, even though I have not meet Martin and we haven’t spoken a word to each other, we were working towards a common goal, in liaison, it was working very well. But I think in many ways that’s because you take what you need from us, rather than us say here’s what you need, you find the people and you take what you need from us. I believe you coordinated us rather than we coordinate your therapy, you coordinated your resources.

Tim:
That’s what the segregated self did. The integrated self is becoming aware of subconscious and conscious state that you are referring to. You giving me an understanding to the different roles that people utilise throughout their lives. As for women their roles are mother-wife-daughter-employer/employee-friend and also for men father-husband-son-employer/employee-friend, each role is different to the other.

Martin teaching me about the vulnerable self, the internal self, the child like self, and all those awareness’s that offered me an understanding that I’m not that different. Just to date I lose time and memory where when the masses change roles they do it without loss of continuity.

So time and space is different for me, and your understanding of a linear world is different to mine, that doesn’t rule an understanding that I can’t function in your world.

Dr Jan:
That’s right, getting an understanding that your world, because it has been very split, our worlds are not so different for we all have our inner child. We do have different modes of operating, we don’t have amnesic barriers between those modes, but we definitely have different sensations within those modes. I can remember only yesterday feeling about sixteen, because of a situation I found myself in.

My behaviour and even my voice would have had a sixteenish inflection to it, but I remember it now, and I remember it ‘as if I was sixteen. Now if something happened and I saw a client I could have very quickly slipped back into my professional role.

However whilst I’m in my sixteen mode, I can access more memories of what it was like and what I did at that age. Once again the major difference is that I don’t have amnesic barriers, because there is no danger for me to deal with, as there was for you.

Tim:
So today I emplace a strategy that recognises that an amnestic barrier is likely unless I take time to allow a process of I was that role, now I’m this role. The speed of this act to fruition is increasing and because I honour that this time is necessary, I function more productively. My process is not automatic, and that’s not a liability.

Dr Jan:
That’s exactly right!

Tim:
See you play those processes automatically; I would only be foolish to think that I can do the same.

Dr Jan:
That’s very wise! Of course you are going to have other mechanisms in place to ensure you’re safe, I don’t have to have. That’s a positive thing that you understand that, and you accept that, that’s what recovery is all about, is learning how to do that.

Tim:
What I understand of DID and try and summarise it into a couple of sentences of clarity. When overwhelmed we created different personas. We came to you and asked how do we kill them off. You quickly got us to understand that we needed to identify and honour their existence, so, as they can feel safe to be able to integrate. The stage I’m at now, I call it the higher level of understanding. Everything we did to survive we can still utilise out here.

Dr Jan:
Absolutely

Tim:
We/I will still be different to the masses and still have the same functions just in different ways of manifestation. That’s really relieving.

Dr Jan:
Now that’s what I’ve been trying to communicate all along. I think you have got it. That concept had to be tested, it had to be understood, and it had to have the limits of it tested. We decided together very early that there is no rule of how to integrate; whatever worked for you, worked for you. There is no recipe.

Tim:
That gives me great comfort, for the level and speed of growth is only maintained by desire to be healthy, and that’s my responsibility.

Dr Jan:
Absolutely, you have always shown that desire.

Dr Jan Ewing frequently gave individual personas the opportunity to converse, after the successful application of Eye Movement Desensitisation Response technique EMDR and/or hypnosis. Under hypnosis Dr Jan creates an image of a conference table within Tim’s mind, which allows all personas the freedom to converse.

The persona known as Little Tim speaks with Dr Jan Ewing when he feels safe to do so. Little Tim aged five years has advanced to nine years old, but now has regressed to five years old again. He is frail, pale and very timid. Dialogue will appear infantile during conversation.

Tim:
I’m quite comfortable saying that paedophilia does revolve around evil forces and the darker side of life. I could never really tangibly explain, but I believe that people who do paedophilia have some influence that distorts, such as possession. I really can’t live with the fact that they’re normal people and they just do it, because they like to do it.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Tim:
I need to think that there is something that overtakes them and controls them into this sort of evil side of them.

Dr Jan:
MmhhMmm

Tim:
I mean when I saw my father do his switches I mean the evil that was there just reeked out of him

Dr Jan:
MmhhMmm

Tim:
Yeah ok, as a child that is probably what I needed to do I did demonised it.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Tim:
And so and I got William to write about it and he wrote about the fact that this huge dark shadow.

Dr Jan:
Yes

Tim: I
really feel that this was more of a representation that’s now gone. It’s not involved in my world anymore it doesn’t have control over me. The dark shadow the reality that gave its existence, was fear based. It didn’t have to be the Old Man walking in; it could have been any man.

Dr Jan:
Yes

Tim:
The memory could still give a personification of Dark evil. Now it surfaced again. The process requires Little Tim to actually sit in the room and to explain to us what he saw within the memory. The degrading situation of when the Old Man walks in on us in his bed with Mum.

SWITCH

Little Tim:
What’s going on and why am I here? I don’t belong here. I don’t come here; this is not my job. I live in the colours; it’s like I don’t come to this black and white world. Does everyone see everything in black and white?

Dr Jan:
Not everybody.

Little Big Tim:
There’s no colour in memory, it was like so yeah I mean I can even picture that scene now

Long pause.

Dr Jan:
You okay?

Little Tim:
(hesitantly soft) yeah I’m okay. (A breath and whispering) I’m okay. (Loud voice) I don’t, I don’t like being here with you guys it’s, it’s like it’s really, why is it always scary in this place? Why is everyone hurting each other, why don’t you all learn you can run away and be safe?

Dr Jan:
Do you realise that you don’t have to run away anymore. Do you realise that everybody, all parts are learning that you don’t have to run away and you don’t have to be hurt. That now you have grown up?

Little Tim:
I don’t want to be grown up.

Dr Jan:
You don’t want to be grown up?

Little Tim:
Nah

Dr Jan:
What if it was safe? Would you turn out to be a good grown up?

Little Tim:
Yeah. I know, it’s all good, that you tell us it’s safe around here and we believe you because you you’re the fixer upperer of the big people. (Whispered) I just don’t understand, I don’t want every time I’m with you guys in this place with the voice that shakes. I always feel really scared.

Dr Jan:
I don’t blame you. No one likes to be scared. Is there a way we can make it better for you, is it when you’re in here in this office that that’s happening?

Little Tim:
I don’t, I don’t like any of the world. The world is really scary it’s like no one takes time to actually look at the little people and the little people know that they can run away. You might think it’s funny that the little people play with fairies and goblins and little friends, but it’s clever, it’s so much smarter.

Dr Jan:
Absolutely

Little Tim:
And the big people tell the little people to forget and soon everyone forgets. Some of us don’t forget and then that gets all confusing. That’s scary. (Pause) James and me and Peter we’re gonna go play down by the river. We’re gonna run away.

Dr Jan:
Do you understand that the others decided that running away wasn’t going to work for all of them?

Little Tim:
I can’t run away I mean every time I run away I end up looking down on top of them.

Dr Jan:
Do you think, maybe you could teach all of them to run away if they need to, just go to a different place if they need to. Hopefully they won’t need to, very often.

Little Tim:
And I don’t understand. What’s going on and why they want to put themselves through the sad and bad things and all the hurts they go through.

Dr Jan: Mmm

Little Tim:
We don’t understand all that (whispered) we didn’t know people cared

Dr Jan:
There are a lot of really good people in your world who care a lot.

Little Tim:
What about the big people who hurt me instead of caring.

Dr Jan:
Well those big people that were there when you were little. They were very sick, but there are lots of other good big people around.

Little Tim:
Sometimes I wish I were James (whispered) sometimes I wish I were James. He might have had to do things harder, gone through lots more stuff, but I think he’s known for a lot longer that there’s big people out there that just do care for you. That’s how I got here, I believed James’s story

Dr Jan:
MmhhMmm

Little Tim:
I believe what James told me now

Dr Jan:
MmhhMmm

Little Tim:
I didn’t want to believe what James told me didn’t want to, didn’t want anyone to know what went on.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
Wasn’t my job to let anyone know.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
And that’s why the writer had to write.

Dr Jan:
MmhhMmm

Little Tim:
So many stories, so many words cause I tricked him for a long time.

Dr Jan:
It was very brave of you though to believe that.

Little Tim:
Believe what?

Dr Jan:
To believe James.

Little Tim:
Yeh he’s my little brother. I couldn’t protect him.

Dr Jan:
You did your best

Little Tim:
Nah he got hurt all the time and I just couldn’t stop it.

Dr Jan:
You were little.

Little Tim:
And my big brother he just got sick all the time.

Dr Jan:
Yes

Little Tim:
He’d be saying things running around shaking and stuff and spit coming out of his mouth and then and everyone going ‘don’t let him bite his tongue, don’t let him bite his tongue.’

Dr Jan:
(comfortingly gentle) You were too little, it was a grown ups job to look after him and there should have been a grown up there looking after him. It’s not your fault that there wasn’t a grown up there at that time.

Little Tim:
(barely audible) I couldn’t look after him.

Dr Jan:
That’s what grown ups do?

Little Tim:
(louder) There’s no good grown-ups.

Dr Jan:
There weren’t or they just didn’t know. If I’d of known about it I would have helped.

Little Tim:
Yeah but

Dr Jan:
Other people too, there’s lots of good grown ups that would have helped.

Little Tim:
Nah there were a lot of grown ups around; a lot of grown ups just didn’t want to help; they just didn’t want to see it.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
And that’s why it’s easy for us to go in the world where it doesn’t happen. I remember the school grounds. How did I get to the school grounds?

Dr Jan:
Because everybody didn’t run away. Someone did have to stay and deal with what was going on. So someone had to stay and do that and everybody had a different sort of situation that they could each handle. They went away from the stuff they couldn’t handle and they handled the stuff that that was their job to handle.

Little Tim:
When I was on my own playing sport, then someone would step in (half laugh) that doesn’t know what they’re doing, and he’d run the same way as the other team, this is so funny thinking about that, now. It was really really silly at the time; everyone would think I was a bit nuts.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
Because it was like you can’t, you can’t love damaged goods so it’s better to appear nuts.

Dr Jan:
Mmm do you think that’s true now?

Little Tim:
What the nuts part or the damaged goods part?

Dr Jan:
Do you think it’s true that you can’t love damaged goods?

Little Tim:
I always loved damaged goods.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
I liked and kept the broken mask I found. The yo-yo with the broken string, I collected a knife that I never sharpened.

Dr Jan:
Good for you, so you like damaged goods and it’s not true that you can’t love damaged goods.

Little Tim:
I know, but do other people?

Dr Jan:
I do, I guess that’s why I became a psychologist.

Little Tim:
Yeah that could be the reason. Okay I’m learning this stuff, it’s all new, and all of us don’t know this stuff.

Dr Jan:
I know, as it turns out some of these things that you thought are true don’t turn out to be true. It’s not true that you can’t love damaged goods.

Little Tim: I
always loved damaged goods, and big Tim has a lot of people love him.

Dr Jan:
He’s got a lot of love for them.

Little Tim:
Well yeah, He just gives it all out because that’s the love we didn’t get shown ourselves. So we just, we learnt, we learnt that it’s better for us to give lots of love because we didn’t get any.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
We’re allowed to do that because, because we didn’t get that much love. We’re allowed to actually turn that around and take what we missed out on there, put it on us as big people.

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
Cause it doesn’t hurt to love.

Dr Jan:
No.

Little Tim:
It just hurts to be scared.

Dr Jan:
Yes that’s exactly right and your also right that when you give out love you get a lot back.

Little Tim:
And that’s true, We see that. We believe in that and that’s happening, that’s all happening.

Dr Jan:
It doesn’t have to happen every single time; it only has to happen enough.

Little Tim:
It’s happening because all the boys are telling the story and I helped them write the story and I’m helping. I’m coming out to help but that’s when we’re by ourselves, so I suppose it’s really really hard. I find it’s really scary to come out because (whispering) I’m not big.

Dr Jan:
Yes

Little Tim:
And I can’t have people thinking that we’re a little bit silly because we don’t talk big words and stuff.

Dr Jan:
Yes

Little Tim:
More of the story, Dad he used to live on the corner and when Little Big Tim and Mark and I and some of the others used to go to school

Dr Jan:
Mmm

Little Tim:
The big boys, Mark and Little Big Tim were the bosses then and when we went to school we had to go past his house and everyone thought that he was a poof and it was like everyone in the school was saying that he was a poof and we just kept hiding the fact that we exist and that that was our Dad.

Dr Jan:
MmhhMmm