Little White Lies (14 page)

I dropped my pen and reached across the table to touch her arm. “Of
course
I do, Callie. I know it sounded that way, but it wasn't what I meant at all. I promise.”

Callie stared at me for a minute, playing with her silver hoop earring. “Okay. Because you know I'd never do that again.
Ever.
I'm just so glad we're best friends again. I'd never risk messing that up. And … I'm really happy with Jacob.”

Guilt. Guiltguiltguilt. “Just forget I said that. We
are
best friends. I don't care at all if you talk to Eric. Really.”

Callie smiled. “Okay. And finally, right? No secrets—nothing. It's a good feeling.”

I nodded and we went back to our homework. A few minutes later my phone buzzed. I leaned over and opened the phone.

Hope 2day's lesson went btr.

Jacob.

I snapped the phone shut and took a breath before I sat up.

Right. No more secrets.

AT THE CAFETERIA, I DUG INTO MY MAC AND
cheese and then moved onto my burger. Paige had a teacher meeting and was missing this lunch period. Eric was running late from class and had texted that he'd be late and to start lunch without him.

Someone sat across from me and I looked up, expecting to see Callie. But it was Jacob.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Come on,” Jacob said. “We
are
allowed to talk.” He brushed his hair out of his eyes and folded his arms on top of the table.

“Jacob, stop it. Eric's going to be here any second and I really don't want him to see us talking.”

“Because he'd be jealous?” Jacob's eyes were on my face.

“No,” I said, slowly. “Because …”

I couldn't finish my sentence. Truth: Eric would be annoyed at Jacob for talking to me, but he wouldn't be mad at me. Truer truth: If Eric saw Jacob and me talking, I wondered if he'd be able to sense that I was confused about my feelings for Jacob.

“Because,” I started again. “I hate coming to lunch and feeling like I have to hide from you. You keep coming up to me even though I asked you not to.”

My voice had an angry edge. I wanted Jacob to go.

But instead of getting up and walking away, he leaned closer. “You're not mad at me,” he said, his voice quiet. “You just hate this situation.”

I looked down.

“You hate that you're confused about how you feel. I know that you …” Jacob paused. “…
like
Eric, but you also like me. And you don't want to admit it because it would make you feel like the worst girlfriend and an awful best friend.”

My ears pounded and my face flushed. There wasn't an ounce of question in his voice.

“Jacob,” I said. “That's not at all what—”

Jacob shook his head. “Stop lying. If you can't tell me that you like me, at least consider admitting it to yourself. Then maybe you'll be able to figure out what to do.”

I realized I hadn't taken a breath in a while and I gulped in air. I wanted to tell Jacob that I was confused. That I still liked Eric. And that I couldn't hurt Callie. I looked down at my plate, then back at Jacob.

“You need to go,” I said. “Before Eric gets here. Please.”

Jacob took a deep breath, then nodded. “Okay. But you're going to hurt them more in the end by lying to yourself.”

“I am
not
lying,” I heard myself say. “I like Eric. You like Callie. And the only thing I'm lying about is what
you
did—confessing that you still liked me. And you have
no
idea how much that's complicated everything.”

Jacob's eyes focused on mine. “I'm sorry I made things weird for you, but I had to tell you how I felt. I do like Callie. But you and I never got a chance. I want that.”

He got up and left the cafeteria. I stared at the doorway, not knowing what I wanted. Did I want Jacob to come back and argue with me again? Not show up for lunch again? I didn't know. But I did know that he was wrong about one thing—my lies were protecting everyone, not hurting them.

Callie and Eric were never going to find out, especially not after I was working so hard to keep it from them.
Callie would never be hurt by what Jacob had said because I'd never tell her. Eric would never know that Jacob and I had been talking and no one would ever know that I'd wondered if I was with the right guy.

Eric's it,
I told myself.
Put it to rest.

Eric appeared in the doorway and scanned the caf for me. I waved and he smiled and got in the lunch line. I watched him the entire way through the line—and seeing him only reconfirmed my decision. I liked Eric so much and he had always been there for me. Jacob needed to leave me alone.

Eric sat down, sighing.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “I just saw Jacob in the hallway and he just gave me this
look
. I try to be cool with that guy, but then he acts like a total jerk.”

I pressed my lips together—trying to say the right thing. “Maybe it wasn't directed at you. He could just be having a bad day or something.”

Eric shrugged. “Why? Did he say something to you before I got here?”

Yes. Only that he still wants me back.

“No,” I said. “I saw him, but he didn't talk to me. He looked kind of mad, so that's why I said it probably wasn't about you.”

The lie slipped out so easily. I wanted to smack myself in the face. I could have told him that I
had
talked to Jacob without going into detail about our conversation. But instead, I'd lied about the whole thing.

Eric nodded and took a bite of his meatball sub. “Okay. Let's not talk about Jacob anymore.” He smiled and offered me a French fry. “Tell me about health class with Utz. I
wish
I'd gotten her for that class.”

I laughed, glad to talk about
anything
else. “You're
so
missing the best class ever,” I said. “It's just been general health stuff so far. But soon, she's going to be prepping us to start CPR on the dummies. I already know that's going to be amaaazing.”

Eric grinned.

“I can't wait till she teaches you the Heimlich,” Eric said. “I just hope she's never had to really save anyone from choking. She'd lock them into some crazy wrestling move and probably break their ribs.”

“So true. Maybe choking would be a less painful way to go,” I teased. “Instead of being crushed by Utz.”

We laughed and joked until the end of the period.

I looked down at Mr. Conner from atop Charm's back, waiting for instruction. Heather, Jasmine, and I had just
led our horses outside and mounted. I patted Charm's neck as Mr. Conner consulted his clipboard, then looked up at us.

“We'll be doing cross-country today,” Mr. Conner said.

Charm's ears went forward. Charm and I
loved
cross-country. Plus, today was the perfect day to be out on the course. It was supercloudy and breezy—as if it could pour at any second—a welcome change from the lessons we'd sweated through.

Mr. Conner's eyes stayed on me for a second and he smiled. “Sasha, you're up first. We're going to take a new abbreviated course that was just set up in the field. It's a basic course and the jumps are fairly simple—we're just using it as a starter for the season before we go back to the regular course. You've all looked over the diagram I e-mailed last night, right?”

We nodded. The course wasn't too long or complicated enough that it required us to walk it before riding, but Mr. Conner had sent us a course map so we'd know where to go.

“Heather and Jasmine,” Mr. Conner continued, “I want you both to watch Sasha's technique. She knows how to get the best out of Charm—when to push him and when to hold him back.”

I tried not to grin. Mr. Conner rarely gave out compliments and when he did, it was a big deal.

“Let's go,” Mr. Conner said.

We started toward the course and Charm's pace quickened with every stride. When we reached the start, Mr. Conner turned to me. “There aren't any surprises out there, so there's no need to worry about not having walked the course. You'll be able to see each jump ahead of time. There's nothing you or Charm haven't encountered before. All right?”

I nodded. “Okay.”

Mr. Conner patted Charm's shoulder. “Whenever you're ready.”

I sat deep in the saddle and let Charm into a walk. He broke into a trot a few strides away from the group. I circled him, warming him up for a few seconds, and then let him into a canter. I couldn't help but smile. This was our shot to redeem ourselves after a round of bad lessons.

“All right,” I said to Charm. “Go!”

I gave him more rein and he moved into a canter over the grass. I got him collected before pointing him in the direction of the first brush jump. Charm, controlled and focused, cantered up to the brush and at the right time, I leaned forward and rose out of the saddle. Charm tucked
his knees and jumped into the air, his body arching over the brush. He landed on the other side.

This
was how Charm and I worked together. We should have been doing this since the first YENT lesson of the year.

I relaxed in the saddle and gave Charm another bit of rein. We reached another brush fence, a couple of inches higher … Charm's takeoff was perfect.

We landed and had to canter uphill to reach the next jump. I slowed Charm's pace and adjusted my position, leaning forward slightly to prevent myself from slipping back in the saddle.

I tried to hold my focus, but my mind started to wander and I flashed back to lunch. All day, I'd been sure that Eric hadn't suspected me of lying when I'd told him that I hadn't talked to Jacob. But what if he found out? What if he'd seen me talking to Jacob and pretended to see Jacob for the first time in the hallway?

Oh, stop it,
I told myself. I was being ridiculous. Eric wasn't like that—he would have said something if he'd seen me talking to Jacob. All of my lies were making me paranoid. But now I felt like I couldn't stop lying. If I did, everything would unravel and—

I almost flipped over Charm's shoulder as he slid to
a stop in front of a log jump. My chest slammed into Charm's neck and I lost a stirrup.

“Omigod,” I said aloud.
Way to lose focus!
I hadn't even realized where we were on the course. Charm could have rammed into the log and been hurt.

Charm backed out of his braced pose and straightened, shaking his head.

“Charm,” I said. “I'm so sorry.”

I readjusted my feet in the stirrups and rubbed Charm's neck. Turning him away from the obstacle, I urged him into a canter and circled him twice before pointing him back at the jump. Charm took it this time without a pause and I forced myself to stay focused.

The breeze picked up and whipped Charm's mane into the air. Clouds shifted overhead and blocked the sun. The next jump, a wooden gate, was seconds away. I counted down the strides—determined not to make another mistake. Charm reached the gate and jumped into the air, and I moved into the two-point position. I raised my hands along Charm's crest, giving him rein but not enough to let him pull me forward.

We made it over the gate and took the rest of the course without a problem. I trotted Charm back to the group, trying not to look at Jasmine or Heather. Jasmine snorted
under her breath when I eased Charm to a halt between Phoenix and Aristocrat. My whole body burned with embarrassment. Charm and I always killed at cross country. But we kept blowing lesson after lesson. Correction:
I
kept blowing lesson after lesson.

“Sasha,” Mr. Conner said. “You started strong and then something happened at the log jump. Tell us about that.”

I wanted to turn Charm and gallop away from Heather and Jasmine. Fessing up to my mistakes in front of them was the worst. But I had to—Mr. Conner was waiting.

“We did well over the first jump and I got confident,” I said. “I let my attention wander, thinking the rest of the course was going to be easy.”

“You went on autopilot,” Mr. Conner said.

I nodded. “It was a huge mistake. I know you have to pay attention every second on cross-country, and I didn't.”

Mr. Conner stared at me, but his expression wasn't angry—it looked more like concern. “It was a dangerous error, but you did recover. I want to reiterate to all of you how crucial it is to focus not only during cross-country, but also during every phase of riding.”

We all nodded.

“Jasmine, you may ride now,” Mr. Conner said.

Jas cantered away from us almost before Mr. Conner finished his sentence. She and Phoenix took as every jump as if they were inches high. Phoenix stayed collected and relaxed under Jas's hands and she didn't rush him once. Jas had been the worst at rushing fences and pushing Phoenix too hard. But since she'd made the YENT, she'd made an effort to become a softer rider.

“Excellent, Jasmine,” Mr. Conner said. “Your timing was perfect.”

Jasmine beamed at him, then turned to smirk at me when he signaled Heather to go.

Aristocrat and Heather were a near-unbeatable team and they showed it on the course. Heather had a finesse that Jas lacked and she knew how to get the best out of Aristocrat. She was a cooler rider than I was because she was somehow able to turn off her emotions when she rode. Or, if she was thinking about anything that was bothering her, she didn't let it show when she rode.

Mr. Conner talked through each of our strengths and weaknesses, then dismissed class. I dismounted and spent extra time cooling Charm. I groomed him in his stall, hiding from everyone in the main aisle. I didn't know what was wrong with me! I knew all of my lies were in the best
interest of protecting my friends, but I couldn't stop stressing about any of them finding out the truth.