Liturgical Mysteries 02 The Baritone Wore Chiffon (10 page)

"I'm glad you asked. I can prove quite conclusively that aliens are at work in the Biblical writings."

"Really?"

"In Matthew, I think," he said, putting the first card in his side pocket and pulling another from the inside of his jacket. "No, John. Here it is. John 10:16. 'I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen.' Here Jesus is obviously talking about aliens."

"In that particular passage," I said, "we feel that he's talking about the Gentiles."

"That's one interpretation, I suppose," he said sullenly. "What about this then?"

He pulled yet another card from his jacket.

"In the Old Testament, it says that Gepetto was swallowed by a whale."

"By a great fish, actually," I said. "And I believe it was Jonah."

"Fine! By a great fish then. The point is that if Jonah was in the belly of a great fish for three days and nights, he would suffocate."

"I concede the point," I said.

"Not only that," he said, flipping his card over and quickly scanning the second side, presumably to get his facts right. "Jonah says in verse six, 'I went down and saw the bottoms of the mountains...' Now how could Jonah possibly see the bottoms of the mountains if he was inside the fish? Unless…" He paused, looking smugly around the room.

"Unless," he squeaked excitedly. "Unless the FISH HAD WINDOWS! You see, it couldn’t really be a fish at all, but something that Jonah, in his limited experience with extra-terrestrial beings, took to be a fish, but was, in reality, a spaceship. Possibly Egyptian."

Most of the class had caught on by this time and were giggling loudly. The few remaining folks, still oblivious to the ruse, were trying to hush them up in a useless effort to remain polite to our guest.

Julian pulled out yet another card and continued.

"Obviously the Old Testament contains many direct references to aliens. In fact, the word 'alien' occurs no fewer than one hundred seven times in the New International Version alone."

"One reason that these strange and wondrous beings may be hesitant to come forward now is found in Exodus 12:48. 'An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the Lord's Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised.' We of the Raelian religion feel that circumcising aliens would not be in our best interest. And any alien that has been circumcised by mistake should be duly compensated. To that end, we have begun a movement to re-grow our foreskins for implantation to the aliens when they arrive."

This was greeted with howls of laughter as Brother Julian adjusted his glasses.

"What's going on up here?" said a stern voice belonging to Father Barna. He had just left the other workshop to check on my progress.

"We're finding our inner clown," said Meg, wiping tears from her eyes.

•••

The priest left with a scowl on his face. It was a good probability that Princess Foo-Foo was having a lot less fun than we were.

"Our next guest," I continued, "is Brother Harley Ray Hammond from the Apostolic Four-Square Pentecostal Holiness Temple of God with Signs Following. Brother Harley Ray?"

"Aw crap," came a voice from the back of the room.

"Is there a problem, Brother Harley Ray?"

"Call me Harl."

"Is there a problem, Harl?" I asked. Everyone had turned around in their seats to look.

"Yep," said Harl. "It seems like, in all the ruckus, my snakes has ekscaped."

•••

The choir gathered for rehearsal in the loft, most of them still laughing.

"What about the snakes?" asked Jeanie Smart, one of our new altos. "It's not that I'm scared of snakes. It's just that I don't want them to sneak up on me. Especially rattlesnakes."

"Well
I'm
scared of snakes," said Rebecca Watts, near panic. "Was he kidding? I thought he was kidding! He let rattlesnakes out? I thought he was kidding!"

"I don't think they're actually rattlesnakes," I said, trying to calm Rebecca down.

"What kind are they?" asked Beverly, "And how many?"

"There were two," I said. "Maybe three. Four, tops…Ok, five that got away. They're Eastern Hognose snakes. They're totally harmless, but they look very much like rattlesnakes. They were part of Harley Ray's presentation."

"Hognose snakes are quite timid," said Fred May from the back row. "I used to keep them when I was a kid. They'll even play dead if they feel threatened."

"If I see one, it had better
be
dead!" said Rebecca.

"I'm sure they'll all be rounded up by tomorrow," I said, trying to still the restless waters. "The pest control folks are coming in. They're very thorough. Now let's look at the anthem for Sunday. Of course, a week from Sunday there will be something completely different."

"We really like your detective story," said Georgia, changing the subject and pulling several chapters out of her folder. "It makes for good reading during the service. I'm taking mine home so Dewayne can read it."

"Please don't encourage him," said Meg. "He'll just keep writing."

"I hear you're giving a reading to an English class," said Fred.

Meg's head dropped into her hands.

"Why, yes I am. I'm hoping to inspire them."

"Aren't we going to rehearse the clown anthems?" asked Jeanie, changing the subject again.

"I don't think there are actually any clown anthems. At least I haven't been informed that there are."

Jeanie smiled. I could see she knew something that she wasn't telling.

"OK," I said. "Spill it."

"Well, I heard," she began in her tell-all voice, "that Shea Maxwell is going to sing
Send in the Clowns
for communion. Only with different words."

"Really," I said. "No one's given me any music for that."

"Oh, you won't need it," said Beverly. "She's using an accompaniment CD."

The entire choir laughed as my head hit the console of the organ with a loud thump.

"Am I the only one who didn't know about this?"

The entire choir nodded.

"We found out at dinner," said Jeanie. "Shea was quite excited. She says that you never ask her to sing solos, but Princess…uh…Brenda was happy to include her in the program."

"Ah well. Let's work on something suitably depressing then," I said. "Pull out the Mozart
Ave Verum
please."

"Why do they use snakes anyway?" asked Rebecca as anthems ruffled in the folders.

"Mark 16:18 — 'they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all...' Some denominations take it literally. At least some of the ones in the hills," I explained. I didn't really have this scripture memorized but Harley Ray and I had talked about it beforehand and decided that his real rattlers weren't a good idea. "Yep. They take it literally."

"And do
you
take it literally?" asked Meg.

"Absolutely. The Bible says 'they will take up snakes.'
They.
Not
me.
"

•••

On Saturday morning, at precisely six o'clock, my phone started ringing. I picked it up only because I knew who was on the other end.

"Hi, Nancy. Any luck? Can the cows sleep safely in St. Germaine once more?"

"I heard that you skipped the conference in Atlanta," Nancy said. "And, yeah. We caught the tippers. We had dozed off, but the donkey woke us all up."

"Anyone we know?"

"They were kids from a fraternity at Appalachian State. A rush prank."

"Did you haul them in?" I asked.

"No," she said. "They were a bunch of scared freshmen. Dave and I got their names and sent them back to school with a warning. They won't be back. Connie Ray wanted to shoot them on the spot."

"Maybe you should have let him shoot just one as a warning to the others."

"Go back to sleep, boss. We'll see you Monday."

•••

I heard Meg plundering the kitchen cabinets as I stepped out of the shower, dried off and stepped onto my digital scale.

"Oh no!" I yelled, loudly enough for Meg to hear.

"What's wrong?"

I came out in my robe and sat at the table.

"Bad news," I said, glumly. "I got on the digital scale and the number came up six-six-six. This is a Very Highly Advanced Digital Scale. It can't be wrong."

"You're lucky that it isn't a Very Highly Advanced Digital
Talking
Scale. Otherwise you'd have heard 'Congratulations! You have lost two pounds and you are the Antichrist.'"

"Here," I said, ushering her toward the bathroom. "You try it."

"Weighing in is a private thing between a woman and her scale. I'll thank you to close the door."

The door opened a moment later and Meg stepped out with a smile on her face.

"Your scale says that I'm three pounds lighter than last week and that I have a lovely disposition."

"Only because it didn't say you had
gained
three pounds."

"Scales have feelings, too," she said. "By the way, it also said to tell you that you are not really the Antichrist and it was just horsing around."

"That's even worse."

"Worse?"

"Maybe I actually do weigh six hundred sixty-six pounds."

•••

Meg had breakfast on the table by the time I was dressed. Archimedes had perched himself on a cookbook and was eyeing a limp mouse that Meg had placed on his saucer. Baxter was outside worrying a squirrel that had taken refuge in the barn, his barks echoing across the field.

"Well, it's Monday. How is the Clown Eucharist shaping up?" she asked, feigning indifference even though I could tell she was eager for some gossip.

"I'll trade you information," I said. "I'll tell you about the clowns if you spill about the Feng Shui Altar Guild."

"Fair enough," she said eagerly and put down her fork. "Here's the latest. Mr. Christopher has decided to move the altar to the center of the church – right where the nave crosses the transepts. The idea is to put pews on three sides and face the altar but to avoid offending the rooster."

"How do we avoid offending the rooster?"

"I'm so glad you asked. Each month has a different ruling animal. In March, that's the rabbit – but the rabbit is ruled by the animal sitting directly opposite. And that's the rooster. He sits in the west."

"Of course he does," I agreed.

"So we must avoid moving toward the west. Hence, the pews will be facing the other three directions."

"And we change these every month?"

"Yep. Next month the dragon is in his seat and we must avoid the dog. Also, we must place two statues of St. Francis on the front steps to attract the chi into the building."

"Why St. Francis?"

"They're the only ones that Mr. Christopher has for sale at his shop."

"Ahhh."

He says it will help the energy flow to the building. Also, he says that purple is no good for Lent. The color needs to be yellow or light green to promote healing and a feeling of calm."

"That sounds very special. I'm calmer already."

"Now how about those clowns?"

"Well, I'm supposed to write the opening hymn."

"WHAT!?"

"I told Brenda I'd be happy to write the opening hymn."

"Doesn't she know about
The Penguin of Bethlehem
?"