Live to Tell (40 page)

He caught my outstretched arm and jerked it upwards, making me drop the poker, which clanged onto the cobbles below.

Shocked, I stared into his face. “Oh Barry,” I said. “Thank God it’s you.”

I tugged him after me across the threshold as Henry, spooked by the noise rushed out between our legs. Shaking with fright, I slammed the door shut.

“Whoa, calm down. Calm down. Whatever’s that all about? You scared the shit out of me waving that thing about.”

For a moment I couldn’t speak. I clutched at my chest and he put his arm around me.

“It’s alright.
You
are alright. I’m here now. Ere, siddown. Glass of water?”

“No, no I’m fine, really.”

“Yeah, looks like it. Come on, tell me all about it. Good job I’m still keepin’ an eye open for you, ain’t it?”

I didn’t know what to reply. I felt helpless, fear mingling with relief. I just kept shaking my head in disbelief. We sat down together on the recently vacated sofa and he cuddled me to him.

“Now then, what’s goin’ on? I’ve been round ’ere at least once every week since “you know when” and I’ve never seen or ’eard anything untoward. No dodgy characters ’anging about, nothing suspicious at all. Course, I haven’t seen you either until tonight, so what’s got you in this state?” He gently rubbed the back of my neck. “Come on now. Tell me.”

“I got some phone calls. You know, people not speaking? Then tonight the phone rang and someone spoke and told me someone was outside waiting to kill me. Then you knocked at the door.”

“Gordon Bennett! And you didn’t think to call the police. Thought you could ’andle it on your own, right?”

“Obviously I was wrong.” I looked down, feeling deflated. He had proved very effectively that up against a man like him, I stood no chance.

“I didn’t ’urt you, did I? Shall I make you a cuppa? Help you sort yourself out?” He stood up and walked into the kitchen, and I trailed after him like a puppy. He turned round to take some milk from the fridge and nearly knocked me over. He shook his head and put his arms around me again.

We sat down opposite each other at the kitchen table and I made a real effort to relax. I smiled carefully but a sudden shrill noise from the phone had me leaping to my feet. “Barry?”

“You stay still. I’ll ’andle this.” He picked up the handset. “Hello?” There was a pause. “More to the point mate, who the fuck are you?” He hesitated then turned to me and handed over the phone. “It’s your dad.”

“Oh, thanks. Hello, Dad.”

“Who on earth was that? I don’t like being spoken to in that manner. It’s not that thug of a decorator you’ve got there, is it? I can’t understand you mixing with people like that.”

“I’m sorry Dad but he’s a good friend looking out for me.”

“That’s not the point. I do not wish to be…”

“I know. I’m sorry. The truth is, I got an obscene phone call and we thought it was another one. I felt a bit nervous.”

“I’ll come round.”

“No, Dad, honestly. Barry’s here now and it won’t be necessary, really. I’m fine now. What were you ringing about? Is everything alright?”

“Your aunt Jess is ill and your mum thought you should know. She’s in hospital apparently, The Royal Free near where she lives. We’re going to see her tomorrow so I’ll find out more then.”

After a few more words, I replaced the phone and turned to face my protector. He took hold of my hand and turned it palm up.

“I’ve had many women I’ve only seen once a week and some I’ve only seen once every two or three weeks, but I’ve never ’ad one before I only get to see once every six months. That takes some getting used to, if I don’t die of old age first. I thought that after this time everything would be okay. Obviously it isn’t. If you’d let me protect you, you’d probably be fine now. I heard what you said about your husband but soldiering is nothing like street fighting. I don’t control a gang of migrant workers by pussy-footing around. Do I? You should ’ave trusted me last time.”

I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he was right, as far as
he
knew the situation. “Things aren’t always straightforward,” was all I could think to reply.

“You do know, don’t you, most of these Herberts who go about phoning people like you, don’t actually know them? They pick their numbers out at random.”

Although I still felt afraid, I tried to nod in agreement. “Barry?” I wasn’t sure how to tell him what I wanted. I had no right to expect anything from him and for all I knew, he could have married since we last met, or at least be with someone special. Indecision gripped me and I braced myself for a gentle rejection.

He looked at me and smiled, and before I could speak said, “You ’aven’t asked why I’m ’ere, apart from the obvious, I mean. I’ve come round to say thank you. Because of you and what you said about access, everything’s changed. I got to think about it and got myself a new brief, much better than the old one and he’s been back to court for me. I get to see Christian, that’s my boy, every other weekend now instead of just once a month.”

“Oh, Barry, I’m so pleased. I really am. You deserved better than what you had. That’s great news. Listen, whatever the circumstances, if you ever need help, even if it’s only a shoulder to cry on, you can always count on me.”

He paused and looked at me quizzically before continuing. “But I haven’t told you the best part. We are going on ’oliday together. In the Christmas break I’m taking him skiing in the French Alps.”

“Wow, that’s fabulous. I’m so happy for you.” I leaned forward and kissed him.

“Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. Do you want to come for a drink? A sort of celebration?”

I hesitated. “I would like to but I don’t feel up to going outside.” How pathetic I must sound, I thought. “I’m sorry I’m such a wet blanket. I was wondering.” Oh, this was so difficult. “Would you stay with me tonight?” He already knew he was the only lover I’d had since Danny died, but how could I also tell him that since we last met, I’d had absolutely no social contact at all with anyone? I swallowed and waited.

“What a question! You don’t ’ave to ask, do you? Silly goose. There’s just one problem.”

Oh, no, I thought. This is where he gives me the bad news that he’s got a possessive, regular girlfriend.

“We’re starting a new job tomorrow, so I ’ave to be on site early, like eight o’clock. As it’s the first day, I can’t afford to leave the guys to crack-on on their own, even though Olaf’s a great bloke. So what I’m sayin’ is, I ’ave to leave early, seven thirty latest. Is that alright with you?”

I nodded, feeling so relieved, I could hardly speak. “I have to go to work myself,” I said.

“Okay, let’s go to bed. Or did you mean you just wanted me to stay in the ’ouse, on the sofa?”

The look I gave him told him he was wrong.

“I’ll take a look around first, check everything’s kosher. You go up. I won’t be a minute.”

A short time later we lay side by side together on my bed and he was stroking my hair with the tips of his fingers. “How are you feeling now? Any better?”

“Still frightened. It’s difficult to shake it off.”

“Then I’m going to have to make you forget it, ain’t I? I’ll make you forget everything except my skin touching yours, skin on skin, muscle on beauty.” He started to kiss me.

After a few minutes, I got to my knees and leaned across him. “Tonight,” I said, “I’ll try to give you the most special night ever.”

“No need, (kiss) for that (kiss). Just be yourself… Ahhh.”

I nibbled the skin inside his groin.

“Well. Okay then”

Hours later we lay quietly, finally exhausted. He traced invisible patterns over my body and kissed me.

“When I got up this morning, I never thought by the end of the day I’d ’ave a result like this one. I feel like I’ve won the Lottery,” he said.

I did, too, despite the horror story behind it.

“You know,” he continued. “I fancied you the first time I ever saw you, but you seemed kind of remote. I didn’t think I stood any chance. Then that day when I found you on the floor and you kissed me, like. Well, I didn’t know what to think.”

I didn’t want to talk about that morning at all. “I liked you too,” I said, “but self-protection stopped me showing it. I thought you might have loads of women. Imagine that.”

He grinned at me. “Perhaps I did. Doesn’t mean I always would. People keep telling me it’s time to settle down, now I’m thirty, like. When Christian was born, I was too young, made a bit of a hash of everything, tried to be responsible but there were too many temptations, if you know what I mean.”

I could guess.

“Now he’s older, it kind of makes me think. It would be nice to be with the right person, exclusivity, getting a nice ’ome together. I’m okay you know, financially.” I was sure he probably was and I knew he’d have no trouble finding someone to share his home. God, they’ll be queuing round the block, I thought.

“I’ve built up a sound business,” he continued. “My dad runs a similar operation farther east. When he retires, I’ll control it all. Then I’ll pass it on to my boy. I hope he appreciates it. Why don’t you come skiing with us? We’d ’ave a great time.”

The unexpected question caught me off guard. “Yeah, we would… but.”

He raised himself up on one elbow. “There’s always a “but” with you, isn’t there?”

I bit my lip and sighed. If you only knew, I thought, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. “You have to trust me, as I trust you,” I said. “To judge what’s best. Good God, your shoulder; you’ve got a tattoo! I never noticed it before.”

He smiled. “I ’aven’t ’ad it very long. Got it on a drunken, stag weekend in Margate—a couple of months ago. You should see where the groom’s got his.”

“It’s a very… er different… What is it?”

“Oh, some ancient symbol, a dragon or something. Trouble is, at the pool Christian saw it and he wants one too. His mum’d kill me if she knew. I can’t win can I?”

I smiled at him, my secret occasional lover, and curled up against his body.

Despite my exhaustion, I woke up at first light. Must be about five, I thought. I disentangled myself from Barry’s sleeping embrace. His arms were locked about me and I wondered why, holding me so, he did not suffer from pins and needles.

Lying in the semi-darkness, I thought about my nightmare situation. Nothing could seem better to me than going away with the two of them, pretending to be part of a real family instead of always on the periphery. I wish the collector had killed me, I thought. When Danny was taken, I wanted to die. What changed in the intervening years and what is the point of living this half life? Why oh why did I fight back? I should have let that odious man get on with it.

I wanted to cry but stopped myself. I didn’t want to wake the man who was sleeping beside me now. Danny and I were so connected, I thought. It was as if we were two parts of the same whole. Friends, lovers, partners joined together in infinity. Yet Barry’s given me back my confidence, and feelings I thought were lost forever. It was the difference that made the conjoining with him so special. I was just a female of the species and he was an extremely masculine heterosexual male with whom I had nothing in common other than our desire for each other. Perhaps this is the way things are meant to be, I thought. We’ve had two nights of intense love, several weeks of decorating, some difficult conversations, and a load of anxiety. Oh, and I care for him.

I knew if I were ever arrested for killing the collector, Barry would almost certainly be charged with being an accomplice. He did not know it but I had used his van and the police would never believe his innocence. I couldn’t inflict that upon him.

Later I woke again, aware of him holding me tightly. He was kissing the back of my neck. “It’s six,” he murmured. “We’ve got an hour.” I started to turn to him but he stopped me and ran his fingers down my spine. “You’ve got a beautiful back. Can I take you from behind?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never done that before. Will it hurt?”

“I promise I’d never hurt you. There’s just one thing. If you decide you don’t want to, better to say so now, because once we start we won’t be able to stop.”

What he means is, once we start he won’t be able to stop, I thought, but as I really wanted to please him, I agreed.