Her throat was too tight to speak, so Nika shook her head.
“Don’t lie to me. I felt you in there. Were you trying to read my mind?” His green eyes were bright with rage and his chest rose and fell with every angry breath.
Nika struggled to rejoin reality. She couldn’t tell how long she’d been out of her body, but the effort of sustained contact had left her drained and confused. It seemed odd and slightly wrong to feel things through her senses again. Everything was harsher and more intense. Even the feel of her nightgown against her skin seemed too much to bear. The dim light in the room could not compare to that of Madoc’s soul, and yet it was too bright, burning her eyes.
She felt his hand grip her shoulders and wanted to lean into his embrace and let him hold her until the world righted itself again.
“Answer me,” he demanded.
“No. Not your mind,” she tried to explain, but how could she? If he was angry because he thought she’d read his mind, he’d be furious to know she’d been inside his very soul. “You called for me.”
“I did not.” Indignation clipped his words, making them come out short and hard.
“You did. I was asleep, but I heard you. You called my name and I came.”
“You dreamed it.”
Fatigue pulled at her, weighing her down. Explaining was too much work. Besides, he wouldn’t believe her. People never believed her. It was easier not to say anything and let them think she was crazy. “Maybe I did. There was too much pain for it to have been real.”
“Pain?” The word seemed to choke him. “Are you hurt?” His green eyes were bright with concern as they roamed over her body, checking for injury.
“Not me. You.”
He let out a sigh of relief and pulled her close, hugging her against his bare chest. His palm cradled her head, holding it close to his heart. She could sense the branches of his lifemark struggling to reach for her, but they remained frozen in place beneath her cheek.
Nika snuggled closer, crawling into his lap, holding on to him in case he spazzed again and tried to push her away. His scent calmed her nerves. His heat eased her skin until her nightgown was no longer grating against it. Even her fatigue seemed to fade as she soaked in his body’s heat.
“You’re making me crazy,” he said in a quiet voice.
“It’s not so bad. You might even like it.”
“Don’t joke. This is no time for jokes.”
She pulled away enough to look up at him. His expression was tight. Closed. She stroked the side of his face, enjoying the feel of his beard stubble beneath her fingertips. “You’re too serious. Life is short. You should enjoy it.”
“Enjoying things my way would be a really bad idea for you.” He was staring at her mouth now, making Nika nervous enough that she felt the compulsion to lick her lips.
His eyes followed the movement. His body clenched, and as close as she was to him, she could feel the strength of that motion as it shook her. Against her hip, she felt his penis harden.
“You like me,” she said, hearing her awe shine through in her voice.
“That isn’t about like, little girl.”
The
little girl
comment stung, but maybe that had been a childish way of putting it. She wasn’t exactly used to talking to a man about sex, so she tried again. “You want me.”
“I
want
you to get off of my lap.” He tried to shift her away from him, but she held on, clinging to his neck. She liked feeling the proof that he wanted her, and she hadn’t felt it quite long enough to believe it yet. What she really wanted to do was touch his erection with her fingers, but she didn’t think he was ready for that yet. It seemed a little forward.
“Why can’t you admit it?” she asked. “We’re both adults. We’re allowed to want each other, right?”
His lips flattened out. “Time to get you back home.”
“I’m staying here until I’m ready to go. We have important things to discuss.”
“The hell you are.”
“Why? Are you afraid I’ll invade your brain and turn you into my mindless zombie slave?”
“Hardly.” He got up and set her away from him, then fled across the room. He kept the sheet bunched around his hips with one hand while scrubbing the other over his face. The whole time, he refused to look at her.
“I guess I was mistaken about the fact that you like me. You might want me, but you don’t like wanting me. I get that. But it’s not like I’m going to attack you. Give me one good reason why I can’t stay. You keep saying you’re going to hurt me, but you’ve never even come close, despite all your bluster and that potty mouth of yours.” Nika sat on the floor, watching him, waiting for an answer.
“Keep pushing and you’ll find out the hard way.”
“Please,” she scoffed. “I’ve been
inside
monsters scarier than you on your best day.”
“I doubt that.”
She got up off the floor and walked over to where he was standing. Maybe getting into his face wasn’t the smartest thing she could do, but she was tired of his running away.
She pushed him until he stumbled back onto the couch, and leaned down until she was at eye level with him. “I’m sure you do. I’m sure you think that you’re big and tough and mean and the world will come crashing to an end if you have to be stuck with me for one more minute.”
“Not the world, Nika.
Your
world.”
“Why? What do you think you’re going to do to me that’s so bad?”
He didn’t answer, and his silence pissed her off. Self-control had never been her strong suit, and right now, it was nowhere to be found.
She reached down, grabbed him by his luceria, and gave him a shake. “Answer me! What do you think you’re going to do that’s so horrible?”
He wrapped his fingers around her wrist. Beneath his grip, her skin tingled, but she was too busy reeling from the ferocity he displayed to pay much attention. He bared his teeth and said, “I’m going to fuck you.”
Shock rattled her for a moment, and she found her mind reeling to make sense of his words.
That wasn’t the way Nika would have worded it, but she found his harsh language didn’t put her off. In fact, that slow, simmering heat inside her that had started when she’d fondled him in his sleep was bubbling up again suddenly, making her feel warm and tingly.
He’d thought about making love to her, and that idea thrilled her to her toes.
“Okay,” said Nika, sounding breathless.
Madoc blinked. “Okay? I say I’m going to rape you and that’s all you have to say?”
“It wouldn’t be rape.”
“The hell it wouldn’t.”
Nika had never seduced a man before, but she had a few ideas about what might work.
She let go of his luceria, slid her hands over his shoulders, and straddled his lap. The hem of her nightgown slid up, revealing her thighs. Madoc looked at them, then shut his eyes tight.
He grabbed the couch cushions on either side of her, gripping the fabric as if it were the only thing keeping him from flying out into orbit.
“I’ve thought about being with you,” she admitted. “Not at first, when I was sick, but lately, I’d hear Paul and Andra going at it, or see another couple looking at each other in a certain way. It always made me think of you.”
“You’re just saying that so I won’t take you home, though God only knows why you want to be around me.”
“I’m saying that so you’ll get over yourself and realize that I have opinions of my own. I’m not that fragile shell of a woman you left behind last year.”
“This isn’t funny, Nika.”
“No, it’s not. It’s sad, because you’ve been afraid of something that wasn’t a problem.”
“The hell it’s not a problem. You have no idea what you’re talking about. I bet you’re still a virgin.”
“Yeah. So?”
He lurched up from the couch, set her down, and moved away from her so fast, she lost her grip on him. His gait was awkward, and he kept that sheet held in his fist so tight his knuckles turned white.
With his eyes wide and his jaw clenched, he said, “You need to leave.”
“I thought we’d just decided I didn’t need to. You don’t have to be afraid to hurt me anymore. I want to have sex with you.”
His whole body clenched like she’d hit him, and he spun around, giving her his back. “Leave. Before it’s too late.”
Instead, Nika walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her chest against his wide back. Beneath her cheek, his whole body vibrated with tension. “I want to stay.”
“I’m not going to take any virgins.”
“If that’s really such a big problem for you, then I’ll go find one of the teenage boys downstairs, take care of the problem, and be back in ten minutes. I understand from gossip that they don’t take long to finish.”
He turned around, but she didn’t let him go. He spun inside her embrace until she could feel his erection pressing against her belly. Those tinglies started to expand into something more. Something needy and hard to ignore.
“You do that, and Joseph will have to execute me for murdering a kid.”
He wasn’t lying. She could see the fury in his face, feel it shimmering in his body. She remembered the black mass of his soul—saw it reflected in the ferocity in his eyes, and knew that she had to do something to fix it.
Unfortunately, she had no clue what that something might be.
“So what you’re saying is that you don’t want me, but I can’t be with anyone else? Should I stay a virgin forever?”
“Works for me.”
“Are you really that selfish?”
“I won’t be alive much longer. Just wait until I’m dead. That’s all I ask.”
“No. I’m not making you any stupid promises. I’ve wasted enough of my life locked in a hospital. I won’t let you or anyone else get in the way of me living.”
“What I’d do to you would not be something you’d remember fondly.”
“How do you know? What if you’re the only man who can ever touch me?”
His eyes squeezed shut as if he needed to block out the sight of her. “Please. Don’t let me hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. This feeling we have for each other, it proves I’m right. You and I belong together. You were looking for some kind of feeling when we touched. I’d say this counts.”
“Then why didn’t my luceria come off when you pulled on it?”
“I don’t know, but I have an idea.”
Madoc groaned and stared at her mouth. “Please, Nika. You’re killing me.”
She pushed him down to the couch, and like a fool, he let her.
“Maybe if you kiss me, it will come off.”
“That’s not the way it works.”
“Maybe you should kiss me anyway.”
If Madoc kissed her, he knew how it would end. He’d rip that flimsy bit of fabric from her body and take her right here on his living room floor. Despite her innocent protestations to the contrary, that was not what she wanted.
She deserved to be cherished and treated with care. Loved. He couldn’t give that to her. There wasn’t enough left of the man he used to be to give her anything that even approached love. The best he could even hope for was to fuck her fast enough that she wouldn’t suffer long.
Nika stared into his eyes, looking like she meant what she said. He knew better, but he couldn’t blame her for her ignorance.
She was a virgin, and she was squirming on his lap like she didn’t even know what came next.
Holy hell. She was going to blow his mind if she didn’t stop moving. He’d just explode into a bloody mess and they’d be mopping what was left of him off the ceiling for a week.
He needed to get out of there. Put some distance between them. Go kill shit. Something.
Pretend you have honor.
It had never been harder to follow Iain’s teachings than it was now, with this willing woman so close and eager for him to kiss her.
An honorable man would have known that her kisses belonged to another and respected that. So that was what he was going to do. He was going to move away, walk out the door, and leave. Only this time, he wasn’t coming back. If he did, he knew what he’d do. He knew Nika would be the one to pay.
His time was up. He’d had a good run. Killed lots of snarlies. He’d even managed to kill enough sgath that Nika was no longer quite so fucked in the head. Sure, she wanted to screw him—which meant she was still crazy—and had a tendency to leave her body, but at least she didn’t spend all her time afraid anymore.
He’d done that for her. He could die knowing he’d accomplished at least that much.
He’d also die without knowing what it was like to kiss her—really kiss her. He’d die never getting to hear her cries of release, or feel her slick heat around him. But he’d also die never having caused her to scream in pain he caused. That was worth suffering through this nonstop erection he was sporting.
Madoc ignored the pain pounding in his body and slid out from under Nika, knocking her sideways onto the couch.
The look of hurt shining in her pale blue eyes made his stomach clench, but there was nothing he could do about that. He hoped that one day, when she finally found her Theronai, she’d look back on this and thank him for walking away.
Madoc grabbed the clothes he’d tossed onto the floor and left, shutting the door behind him. A few seconds later, he’d dressed in the hall and was headed for Tynan. He’d give the bloodsucker the blood Nika needed for her quest so she wouldn’t be forced to beg for help, then leave behind his death wish—a wish the Theronai would be honor-bound to carry out. Whatever the hell that might be.
The only thing he really wanted he couldn’t have.
Time to get over it already. Once he was dead, he wasn’t going to miss a single fucking thing.
He felt naked and off balance without his sword. It had been strapped around his hips for centuries, ready and willing to shed Synestryn blood. Without it, he hardly even felt like a Theronai at all.