Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story (50 page)

I began to speak with my family on a regular basis, and I was honest with them about my stressful situation. I thought that I was supposed to be in Texas to be a parent to my daughter. Wanda was refusing to allow that to happen. After rereading the book that Lilah gave me after I was last released from jail, I learned that the best thing I could do in this moment was to pray for my enemies and decipher between what I could control and what I couldn’t. I knew that the only thing that I could really control were the choices that I made which would affect my future and my emotional stability. There was a lot of conflict and I no longer felt welcomed, I had a child that I was afraid to become attached to, and a husband who was never there. If I didn’t have to be at work, I would sleep as much as possible. I’m sure that to Derrick’s parents and Ashley, I came off as lazy and selfish. Maybe I was. As I was living my lazy and selfish existence, deep in my heart I knew that I could never learn, grow, or truly love a happy life if I were to stay.

I loved working. I loved my job. It was my escape. Eventually I was promoted to work in the bakery. I got to spend my days baking cookies and decorating cupcakes. I gladly took the direction of the managers, as I knew that it was a walk in the park compared to the wrath of Wanda. A few weeks into my new position, I went outside to have a quick break. I was sitting on a bench against the concrete wall of the store, and my attention was drawn to two men about my age who were also taking a break. I chimed into their conversation, and something about the tall blond boy wearing a hoodie had me mesmerized. He had a calm and collected aura about him. As the weeks went by, we noticed each other at work more frequently, and we eventually began talking more often. This guy, Steven, became my friend. He was really the only friend that I had. My own husband wasn’t even around enough to be my friend. Ashley and Wanda had teamed up to spank my daughter mercilessly, and Dave didn’t even know what was going on half the time. It got to the point that if I wasn’t at work, I was hiding in my room upstairs. Once in a while after it got dark and everyone went to sleep, I’d pack up my fishing gear, and walk a short distance down to a dock that I liked. I’d sit there by myself in the quiet and stare at the stars and wonder where my life was going. Aside my new job, I really hadn’t made much progress. If anything, I felt myself slipping again. Work was the only place that kept me happy, but I could only be there for forty hours out of the week.

When I was getting ready to leave work one night, Steven and a couple of his friends asked me if I wanted to go with them the next night to a nightclub. They were all my age, and I thought that it would be fun for a change. I wanted to meet new friends and feel like I had some kind of life. I accepted the invitation and when I got home, instead of asking Wanda if I could go because I was an adult, I told her that I was going to go. The next day as she dropped me off at work, she gave me her usual cowardly lies. “I asked Dave if you could go out, and he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.” That was all that she had to say about it. She was using her husband as a source of intimidation and as a shield to hide behind because she couldn’t own up to her own thoughts. “Okay, that’s fine,” I said. “I’ll have Ashley pick you up tonight,” she said as I stepped out of the passenger side door.

About an hour before I got off work that night, I sent Ashley a text message telling her that it wasn’t necessary to pick me up. I’m going out with some friends tonight and Wanda already knows. Just tell her that I’ll get a ride home and not to stay up and thanks.  I laughed to myself as I hit the send button knowing that her face would be red with rage after Ashley relayed the message. After work, I changed out of my work cloths and squeezed into the back seat of the car that the four of us were riding in. I was happy that Steven was sitting next to me. He was courteous and definitely a gentlemen. We had tons of fun that night. This Southern boy had a nice innocence about him that I wasn’t used to. Most kids my age were more concerned with drugs. Steven and I only had a few drinks, and we sat at a table in the corner laughing at the people who were drunk and dancing. It made me wonder if I looked like that when I had a drunken urge to bust out with my signature moves. I realized that night that Steven was the first man that I had ever known who was happy to simply be my friend. He knew that I was married, and he never tried to cross any boundaries. I admired and respected him for that. Before I moved to Texas, I would occasionally fantasize about meeting a cowboy who would whisk me away to keep me forever safe and happy. I didn’t truly believe it was actually going to happen, but that person was sitting right in front of me.

The boys dropped me off that night around 4:00 a.m. in the morning. I quietly snuck into the house and up the stairs. I fell asleep with a grin on my face partially because I knew how pissed off Wanda was, but mostly because I had it bad for this guy. I was going to marry him one day. The next day I woke up to a nasty email from Wanda, “Dave is pissed! Thanks for waking us up at 4:00 a.m. in the morning!

I expected it. I was surprised when she actually called me down for lunch. I figured that she wanted nothing to do with me. As we sat at the table, I found it odd that she was being nicer than ever to me. She was acting as if nothing had happened Dave was nice too. When he asked me how my night went, I hesitantly answered him and he seemed to be just fine with it. He then told me a story of when he went out with his friends when he was younger. After slurping away at my soup, it hit me. I was so mad. Wanda had completely lied, again, about her husband being pissed off at me when really…he had no idea about anything! I kept my cool and knew that if I was going to react to this, now wasn’t going to be the time. I had to think about how I was going to deal with her bizarre behavior.

I went to work at 3:00 in the afternoon that day, and I was excited to see Steven. We were both working the night shift and for some reason, all of the managers were gone for the day. At the end of our shift we were on our last fifteen-minute break. We were talking about how funny it was watching the crazy dancing people from the night before. We decided to take a quick drive down the road before our break ended. We bought a small bottle of peach vodka. We figured that it would make the rest of the night a little more entertaining, and all we had left to do was clean up. We were sitting in the back kitchen area passing the bottle back and forth and laughing about how bad it would be if we goy caught. It was so refreshing to be around someone that I could just talk to about almost anything.

I told him about my mother-in-law, about how Derrick was always gone and not helping me resolve the situation, and about how uncomfortable I felt every time I returned to the house.
We thought we heard other employees heading our way. “Crap!” I said, shuffling to hide the almost finished bottle. “We have to hide! Where do we go?” I quietly laughed. “This way!” he said, signaling for me to follow him. There were single bathrooms right across the storage room hall. We bolted into the women’s bathroom, locked the door, and listened. We heard two women talking, but after a few minutes they were gone. I quietly peeked out the door and confirmed that we were safe to exit the bathroom. But before we did, I had to take care of something. It had been bugging me for a while. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but I knew that if I didn’t do this, he would never know how I felt. He was considerate of the fact that I was married. I knew that he didn’t even see me as an option. As he started to walk toward the door, I surprised him. “Wait, wait just a second,” I said, pushing him back toward the bathroom sink that he had been leaning against. “Whoa…what…what are we doing?” he asked, completely confused. I reached up and pulled his head toward me and kissed him. He was hesitating and quickly pulled away. “Wait, I thought you were married?” he said, more as a statement than a question. Thinking about what a joke my marriage was and how Derrick hadn’t even been around to have my back like he always promised to, I replied “I thought I was too, but remember I told you I served him divorce papers when I was in Tahoe,” and kissed him again. This time, he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me as he accepted my kiss. I can’t remember how long we hid in that bathroom kissing like kids in high school would, but I was happy that I was finally able to just let him know how much I cared for him and how much I respected him.

I was worried that he might have second thoughts about me after this because he knew that I was still with Derrick. I didn’t have the best history with being faithful to Derrick, either. When our shifts were over, we sat outside on the same bench where we always sat, and I thought it was important to really tell him how I felt and tell him my history. “I’m really scared right now, and you’re probably confused, but I don’t want to get my hopes up if my history is something that will freak you out. I don’t even know how you feel about me or if you even have feelings at all.” I began. He sat there quietly listening to my story. It felt like it took me forever to tell it to him, but it really probably only took a few minutes. When I was done, he pulled me in next to him and hugged me. “I’m glad you felt like you could tell me all of that stuff. You are a really strong person for going through all of that, and it makes me angry that your husband put you in those situations. I want you to know that I am here for you, and whatever ends up happening, I’ll always be here for you. I didn’t know exactly what he meant or how he felt, but I knew that he was being sincere. After I broke the ice, we spent as much time as we could together, and eventually I didn’t care who knew. I thought it was fitting that we went together so well since he worked in the dairy department and I worked in the bakery – we were like cookies and milk!

The following weekend, Dave announced he had tickets to take me, Ashley and Derrick with him to a Monster Jam show. I had no idea what that was and it sounded kind of boring, but if I didn’t go, I’d be stuck at the house with Wanda. I was finishing up my early shift at work when Steven and his friends were talking about going to a truck show that same night. I was happy to find out that they also had tickets. I was also kind of disappointed because I knew there would be no way that I could watch the show with them. Still, something about knowing that Steven was going to be there made me happy.

After work Ashley and I got ready for the show. When it was time to leave, I kissed Danielle goodbye, and we hopped in the truck and headed to Galveston to pick up Derrick. He was working as usual and wanted to go but didn’t have a way to meet us because he would carpool to work when they all did an out of town job. Dave wanted Derrick to be there so we left early. When he got in the back seat with me, he was actually acting like he was happy to see me. Instead of being relieved, it made me angry. He didn’t even try to understand what I was dealing with and how difficult it was to try to be there for our daughter when I was forced to see her cry her eyes out from being spanked all the time. I had told him so many times, “One day you’re going to wake up, and I’ll be gone.” Either he simply didn’t care, or he just didn’t believe me.

When we got to the stadium, we walked to our seats. I quickly realized that there was probably no way in hell I would be able to even get a glimpse of Steven. Derrick brought Ashley and me a cup of beer and the show began. I was extremely bored because I didn’t know what was going on. Whenever I asked Derrick a question about what I was seeing, he’d give me a partial answer and quickly resume talking to his dad. I became resentful. After all of the time he was spending away from me, it was obvious that he’d rather be with his parents and give them all of his attention. I hated how he was always on his best behavior for his parents, but he could never be that way with me. I excused myself to use the restroom when I was really about to get another beer and step outside for a cigarette. I wanted to be away from the noise and sit in peace. As I was half way through my cigarette, I got a text message that said, “Look behind you.”

It was Steven. I thought there was no way he’d be able to find me. I turned around, and he was waving to me from the deck to the right. I signaled for him to stay there. I wasn’t sure what kind of maze I was getting myself into, but I somehow managed to figure out where he was. I ran into his arms and I was so happy that he was holding me in that very moment. He was kind and gentle, and he listened and cared, and the best thing was that he was respectful. He was just happy to be around me. That was all that he needed. He didn’t have ulterior motives. He liked me for who I was. He didn’t have any preconceptions about me or any set judgment. He just liked me.

After a few minutes, I knew that I had better get back to my seat. When I was about to say goodbye, I got a phone call. Before I could even answer, Derrick was screaming in my ear, “Where the hell are you? Why did you just disappear? You are making me look bad. Get your ass back to the show – now!” he demanded. It made me sick. He only cared about his image, and what his parents thought. He would never put me before them. He would never even consider it. I knew that no matter what, if I were to stay in this situation and continue my relationship with Derrick, I was never going to be happy. Not only did he give me panic attacks and remind me of all of the horrible things I had been through, he also reminded me of the weak, worthless person I had become and would always be as long as I chose to stay. Not only was Derrick a reminder of these things, so were his parents. It was made clear that I would never have a say in how my daughter would be raised, and his mom was no longer willing to give up custody of Danielle. Despite my constant begging, Derrick wouldn’t even consider moving us into our own place so that we could possibly save our marriage, get away from his parents, and still see Danielle as much as possible. I thought of every probable solution. I thought that once I was back on my medication, things might also get better. The only thing that happened was that my mind became clear enough to realize that my life was a joke. I was trying to force something that wasn’t meant to be.

“I can’t handle this any more,” I said, looking up at Steven. “Let’s run away together,” he said. “I’m not kidding and we should,” I replied. “I’ll pack my things tonight. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I’ll figure it out.” “Start packing your things when you get home, and call me as soon as you’re ready. Brian and I will come and get you out of there. If you change your mind, just let me know and I’ll understand,” he replied, hopeful but hesitant. It was going to happen. I knew that if I didn’t leave that night, I would never get out. I would waste away in an existence that had no honesty, truth or integrity. I would never discover who I was. I would never have a chance to find myself. I would never, ever be capable of being a stable mother - for any of my daughters. I had to just let myself run. I had to make this choice and be brave and be willing to face the world on my own.

The drive home took forever. We drove Derrick back to Galveston, and I fell asleep with my head on his lap. It was an odd feeling. I was saying goodbye without him even knowing it, and I was doing it in the kindest way that I could. It was the only way that I could. I slept for the entire ride back to the house. As I walked up the stairs, I remembered my conversation with Steven. Without letting myself think about it any further, I sent him a text.  “I’ll be ready in ten minutes. Are you still coming?” Less than five minutes went by and he responded, “We’re waiting outside. Do you need help grabbing your things?” If he were to get caught inside the house, it could be really bad. I opened the bedroom window and quietly called Steven over. I was on the second floor, but it was facing the street where the car was parked.  It was the perfect place for me to toss out the things that I would need. I quickly bagged everything up. I grabbed the photo albums that I put together for Chloe and Zoe, but when I crossed Danielle’s baby book, I became sad and unsure. I didn’t know if I should take it because I didn’t think I would ever be back. I wanted her to at least have access to the pictures of me holding her when she was first born and up until the time she was with us. I wanted her to know that I love her. I started crying not knowing how I was supposed to do this or how I would ever explain it to her. I did know one thing for sure though. I knew that as long as I was in a relationship with her dad, no matter how much better his life became or how much he improved, I would never improve. Any accomplishments I would make with Derrick would only be an attempt to convince myself that I was okay. It would be a way to put a nice shiny coat of sugar over a life full of sour regrets. Not long after our relationship began, every night that I fell asleep next to Derrick I felt contaminated. The only person that I could blame for this was myself. From the drugs slipped into my coffee, to the assault of my child, to the death of Donnie’s baby, and the never-ending series of traumatic events, my very existence had been lost forever.

The life that I knew and yearned to return to every moment of every day was gone, and I had turned into someone that I hated. I went against every moral and value that I ever held onto. Danielle would suffer for as long as I remained the helpless, hopeless victim I had succumbed to. I hadn’t allowed myself to truly grieve the loss of her sisters Chloe and Zoe, and I hadn’t even begun to grieve the loss of myself. From the day of her birth, she suffered the consequences of my adolescent choices. Even though life is sometimes tragic and unfair, there will always be beauty where there is pain. Danielle arrived in the world to represent its beauty. She was living proof that when our own little world becomes divided, life will still go on. When good meets evil, proof of heaven infinitely shines. When living becomes too painful, there’s always a way to make it better. This child, who was born into a life in which she had no control and deserved no pain, gave to me the greatest lesson that life can teach. There is always a reason to live. There is always beauty beyond the dark. There is always love beyond grief. We all have a lesson to learn, and we all have a purpose to fulfill.

I tossed as many things out of the second story window as I could. I found the largest suitcase that I had and packed what was left of my life and the memories that it had created. I awkwardly bumped into the wall as I thumped down the staircase attempting to be as quiet as I possibly could and set the suitcase next to the door. It was time to say goodbye to Danielle. I didn’t want to say goodbye because it was going to hurt so very much. I knew that if I left without whispering into her tiny ear that I loved her and I hoped that she could one day understand and forgive me, I would never forgive myself. It wasn’t going to hurt her as much as it was hurting me because she was sound asleep in her Tinker Bell themed bedroom. I kissed her cheek and ran my fingers through her soft hair as my tears landed on her pillow. With the pain of not knowing when I’d see her again, I came close to changing my mind. Instead, I quietly turned around and walked out of the house. I was about to release my soul from the chains in which I unknowingly held the key to…all those years.

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