Long Simmering Spring (28 page)

Without realizing where she had headed, she found herself in the children’s park off the Green—and to her surprise, she realized it wasn’t empty.

Cole was there, standing facing away from her near the jungle gym. She’d know those well-defined shoulders and that broad back anywhere. Something beneath her foot cracked, but he didn’t turn to acknowledge her presence. Kip had clearly called ahead to let him know she was coming. Mentally, she flashed back to their meeting at the beginning of the summer. How different he’d looked to her then! How differently she’d felt about him! There was tension now, but it was of a different sort. Now, instead of reluctance, her heart was filled with a confused longing—a need for fulfillment that she could never have anticipated. Not from this man.

“Hi.” Her voice was soft, but it carried.

“Hey,” Cole replied, without turning around. He made some kind of gesture with his hand, and behind her, she heard Kip walk away. They were alone.

She stepped toward him. “I haven’t seen you for a few days.”

“I’ve been busy,” he said tersely. He still didn’t turn.

“I’m sure you have.” Julie tried to keep the hurt out of her voice. “But I would have loved for you to stop by.”

“From what I understand, you had plenty of visitors.”

“I did, and I’m grateful for it.”
But none of them were you
. “Cole?” she questioned, reaching a hand out to touch his arm. He must have sensed her movement, because he quickly turned and stepped backward out of her reach. His eyes darted to her face, to her bruises—still there, now faded to a sickly yellow. Visibly, he flinched. She’d never seen that look on his face, one of utter revulsion.

“Don’t.” It was more than a warning.

“Cole, I . . . I don’t understand. Why are you pushing me away?” There was no disguising her hurt now. His words, coupled with his icy stare, made something ache terribly inside her.

“I’m no good. I’m no good for anyone, least of all for you.”

She shook her head, in complete and utter denial. “No. No. I won’t let you do this.”

“It’s already done.”

“When I tried to shut you out, you wouldn’t let me.”

“This is different.”

“How?” she challenged.

“There’s more at stake here than just your pride.”

“Are you kidding me?” she said, fury rising inside. “This isn’t me standing on ceremony here. This is about you shutting down.”

“If that’s what it takes to get the job done.”

“I get that you work hard, Cole. I really do. So do I. But if you turn away from me any time you need to ‘get the job done,’ that’s not okay.”

“It’s not just because I need to get the job done, Julie.”

She stopped and stared at him, seeing him fresh for the first time. There were dark pouches under his eyes; he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His usually tanned skin looked sallow, the scar on his cheek washed out against his pallor. “I’m sorry. I—I don’t quite follow you,” she said slowly. “Please. Tell me what’s going on.”

“You want to know what’s going on?” he said angrily. “Fine. I’ll tell you. I thought I had the PTSD under control. Thought I was done with the fear, the anxiety, but then you came along and God, I wanted you so badly, I just couldn’t see the signs. When I fell in love with you, it came back, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“There
is
something you can do about it. Go back to a psychologist!”

He shook his head. “I don’t have time for that right now.”

“Why are you so afraid of getting help?”

“I can’t go there right now, Julie. But if you’re out of the picture, then it’s one less thing I have to worry about.”

She couldn’t breathe. Pinpricks of pain formed behind her eyes. “That’s all I am to you? Something to push aside that you won’t have to worry about? You have to know how crazy that sounds. You can’t turn off your feelings for someone like that.”
Not if that person feels the way I do.

“I can try,” he said tightly.

“I see,” she said. He was approaching this in such a calculated way, he had to have pulled a stunt like this before. She felt so sickened that she almost threw up, right then and there, all over his ridiculously huge black boots.

Just before his eyes grew distant, she caught the flash of pain behind them.
Too bad
. She was hurting just as much as he was, but he hadn’t even acknowledged it. She’d given him everything—her body, her heart, and her soul—and he’d held it in his big hands and just crushed the life out of it.

It had been a huge mistake to get involved with him, and an even bigger one to open her heart. She’d fallen in love with a man she’d thought was someone else. It had all been a lie.

Tears fell freely now, raw and hot on her cheeks. Her dignity stripped bare, she didn’t even bother to brush them away. She turned her back on him and began to walk away. God, it hurt so much! A fiery knife through her heart couldn’t have wounded her more. It was just as bad as when her parents were killed. Worse, maybe.

She couldn’t even process that.

About ten feet away, she turned around. “You always were dangerous, Cole, but I thought you were different,” she choked out. “Somehow I knew—even in high school—that if I gave you the chance, you’d break my heart.” Julie looked at him straight on, tears blurring her vision. “Well, you finally did.”

Then she walked away for good.

Kip peeled out of the woods, where he must have been waiting for her to finish with Cole. She ignored him and kept going, never once looking back. She just kept on walking, Kip’s footsteps treading behind her as she headed home.

Thank God she’d left. If he’d had to stand there for one more second, looking into those pain-filled eyes, unable to soothe the hurt away, unable to stop himself from hurting her more, he was going to do something he’d regret—not just in the instant, but for a lifetime.

He was such a bastard! Even given everything he’d experienced, watching her walk away without stopping her was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.

There were so many things he hadn’t told her. That he
couldn’t
tell her. That he’d spent every night outside her hospital room and her house as her own personal guard. That every day he worked like a man possessed trying to get to the bottom of the rampant drug problem in Star Harbor so that she’d be safe again. That he loved her. Truly loved her.

He’d let himself get too close and he’d failed her. Worse, he’d failed himself: Don had gone on the attack and he knew he couldn’t keep her safe. Not every time. And that thought made him crazy. Every time something happened to her, he knew he was going to go off, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. He couldn’t stay calm and cool forever. He was going to snap, and he was going to bring her down with him.

He couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get those damned nightmares out of his head. He was having two a night now, sometimes more. And visions during the day of horrible things he wished he could forget. Keeping his PTSD under control was starting to become his full-time job, and Julie deserved someone better. He was all kinds of wrong for her, and there was only one solution—to cut her out of his life.

It had taken all of his strength to stand there and not stop her from leaving. God, he’d wanted to with every ounce of his being!

He loved her. He wanted to bury himself in her until he couldn’t think straight anymore. Until he forgot who he was. Until he erased what he had seen. Until he obliterated what he had done. But he couldn’t.

How he would ever get those images of war out of his head, he’d never know. All he knew was that when he was in Julie’s arms, he forgot everything except who
she
was. And she was amazing. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

Cole cursed loudly and angrily, filthy words ripping from his throat.
Stupid!
What was the point of living if he couldn’t figure out how to share his life with a woman he actually cared about rather than a woman he just wanted to screw for the night?

Part of him whispered that he’d just thrown away the most incredible thing in his life, but the other part of him—the part that screamed in his brain—insisted that he’d done the right thing. He couldn’t stay with her if he was going to lose his mind every time he thought about her being hurt. Black thoughts like those would destroy his confidence in his ability to get the job done. Better to let Julie go than to be tormented night after night with images of her being harmed in vile ways.

He couldn’t make himself stop loving her. Not right away. But hopefully, over time, that love would fade.
Use any excuse you want. Even the PTSD. But loving her is never going away
.

“No!” Cole balled his hands into tight fists and smacked the side of a pine tree as hard as he could. For a brief moment, the pain inside faded. But then, when his hand started throbbing, it came back in full force.

I’m an animal.

This was what he’d sunk to. This was what he’d become.

He needed a drink—a stiff one. Or three. Anything to get the thought of her—and the smell of her—out of his head. No, a drink would only make things worse. What he really needed was to work. Hard. And when all this was done, he’d go back to the shrink on his terms.

He prayed it wouldn’t be too late.

CHAPTER 23

“Julie? Julie? Are you even listening to me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Lisa. I must have zoned out for a minute.” She shook her head, then tried to focus on what her nurse was saying. It was more difficult than she’d ever thought possible.

Since that fateful evening with Cole in the park two weeks ago, she’d been walking around like a zombie, numb and dazed. Sure, she’d tried to put her life back together, but without Cole, everything around her seemed dead. She no longer took pleasure in long walks and she was still too sore to run, though she would be able to in a few weeks. And she’d seriously curbed her social engagements. Usually, she’d eat at home rather than go out—dealing with prying eyes at the LMK wasn’t terribly appealing, especially since putting on a good face was getting increasingly draining. But it wasn’t just that. She’d shut down rather than deal with the hurt, and she wondered how long it would take her to come out of her shell.

The one thing that
had
made her happy was to return to work. Despite her absence from the office, Lisa and Cloris had kept everything running, scheduling appointments and dealing with patients’ questions. Still, they were thrilled when Julie felt well enough to come back.

“Come here,” Lisa said, gesturing with her hand. “I think you should take a look at this.” She was standing just outside the back door of the office.

Julie walked over. “What is it?”

“Not that I want to make you rehash ugly memories, but I think something happened to the building the night Don was here.” Lisa had deliberately left out the word
attacked
. And for that, Julie was grateful.

Julie followed Lisa out the door into the alleyway. “What’s going on?”

“I think the wall got damaged.”

“Where?”

Lisa pointed to a spot about four feet off the ground. “Take a look at this. Some of these bricks are chipped and a few look loose. See?”

“Hmm,” Julie said, eyeing the wall. “This must have happened when the lid from the garbage can hit the side of the building. I wonder if Luke could fix this, or if we need to hire a specialty mason for the repairs.” Experimentally, Julie touched her finger to the cement between two of the broken bricks and pushed. “It does feel loose.” She wiggled a brick. “
Really
loose. I think it’s coming out.”

With a scraping sound, Julie pried the brick off the side of the building, centuries-old cement crumbling to dust as it fell to the ground. She and Lisa peered inside the small hole she’d just made.

“It’s not just a façade,” Lisa said. “It seems like they’ve used some insulation, but the brick is the exterior wall. We should probably get this repaired so bugs and rats won’t get in.”

Julie nodded, pushing on the old wood inside, feeling it give, then tugging on another loose brick. “The insulation doesn’t look so sturdy, so we need this fixed. We can do it when we get the gouges on the door frame patched up, I guess.” The other brick came out, and something glinted inside.

Julie slid her hand into the cool, dank space created where the brick had been removed, and her fingertips touched cold metal. She grasped the object and pulled it out carefully.

It was an ancient metal key. Without even thinking, she blew on it. A small cloud of dust floated into the air.

“Wow!” Lisa exclaimed.

Julie stared at the key for a few long moments, just holding her breath.

“What do you think it is?” asked Lisa.

“I think we could have a piece of history here,” Julie said slowly. “Didn’t this building used to be the apothecary?”

“Yes, I think I heard something like that.”

“Well, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but this could be the third key from the pirate story. You know, the one about the pirates hiding in town after the
Lorelei
’s shipwreck? Could the legend actually be true?”

“Whoa,” Lisa breathed. “We could go to the Star Harbor Historical Society to find out.”

“I think we should. But first I think we should show this to Cameron Stahl. She took a look at the keys that Lexie Meyers and Avery Newbridge found. She’d probably be able to tell us pretty fast if this matches the others.”

“I can’t believe this is happening. And at our own office! This could be something really big!”

“We should do some research before we get really excited,” Julie said, trying to tamp down Lisa’s enthusiasm.

“I don’t think I can stop myself from getting worked up. Stuff like this doesn’t just happen every day. Look,” she said, pointing to her arm. “Goose bumps.”

Julie picked up the bricks from the ground and pushed them back into the hole. “I guess we should worry about getting this repaired later,” she said. “We don’t have any other appointments scheduled for today. Shall we see if Cameron’s at her shop?” To be honest, she just wanted a break to get her mind off everything that had been happening lately.