Look After Me (6 page)

“You can stay here as long as you’d like, Sebastian. You know that right?”

And that is exactly why I need to look for my own place. He may be my friend, but he’s Ava’s
best
friend. And even though he’s been great—with everything—the fact that he is Ava’s best friend makes me resent him.

“I know and I appreciate it. It’s just . . .”

“Everything here reminds you of Ava, including me?”

I blow out a pain filled breath. “Well . . . yeah.” I want to apologize, but I stay silent.

He reaches for a mug. “Don’t feel bad, I understand. But just so you know, the offer still stands.” I nod as I watch him pick up the coffee pot and pour coffee into his cup. “Any luck?” he asks as he takes a seat at the table, positioning the newspaper in his direction.

I shrug. “Not really. They’re either for one bedroom apartments or apartments that even a rat wouldn’t be seen dead in.”

“You really need more than one bedroom?”

“Well, yeah. Lily’s going to need her own room when I get joint custody of her again.”

Caleb is quiet for a moment as his eyes wander over the page. “Hey, here’s one. Two bedrooms, en-suite bathroom, living and dining room arrangement, newly built, so you shouldn’t have any maintenance problems, this sounds perfect.”

I glance over his shoulder, realizing I must have missed it throughout my nostalgic reminiscing. My eyes scan the listing until I pause over the address. “Except it’s two blocks from Ava’s,” I say, pointing out the obvious. I know Ava is always going to be a part of my life. When it comes to our daughter, it’s non-negotiable. She’s Lily’s mom, and I accept that, but under no circumstances am I going to live next door to her and Ashton. The possibility of bumping into them every two minutes, and the constant reminder of their betrayal under my nose on a daily basis is enough to put me into a crazy frenzy of pure anger. I can feel the fire burning in my nostrils, almost like a deranged dragon.

“Okay, so not perfect,” Caleb says with understanding. He continues to scan the page with an optimistic look in his eyes, looking for the perfect apartment. When I’m about to tell him not to waste his time because he won’t find anything, he surprises me by spinning the newspaper in my direction, pointing at a listing. “Now this does sound perfect, and it’s a three mile radius away from Ava.”

Placing my hand flat against the paper, I shift it towards me. I begin to read, impressed as my eyes trace over the words.
Two-bedroom loft apartment, open plan, newly renovated interior, fitted kitchen appliances, air conditioning, allocated parking space.

“You should check it out.”

I nod as I grab my phone to call the number on the listing. Two minutes later I have an appointment to view the apartment at three o’clock this afternoon. When the call has ended, I stare at the black device, contemplating my life.

I never thought I’d be looking for an apartment as a single man, living the life of a bachelor. This would be the dream life for some men, but not for me. I don’t want this. I’ve never wanted this.

“Hey, where’d you go?”

I blink as Caleb’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Just to my dark place,” I say with a bitter laugh, dropping my phone to the table and spinning it around in a circle with my index finger.

“You won’t always feel like this. It will get better eventually.”

“Thanks for your optimism and all, but no, I don’t think it will.”

“Sebastian,” he sighs.

I stand up from my seat, shoving my phone in my front pocket. Words that I’ve struggled to let go of suddenly barrel from my mouth. “Come back to me when you’ve had your heart broken. Then you’ll fully understand the suffering I feel and how your words hold nothing but empty promises.”

And with that, I leave the apartment to meet my sister for breakfast
.

I haven’t eaten breakfast since Ava broke my heart in that hospital room all those months ago. Breakfast was a ritual that was special to Ava and me. We had our first date at Denny’s and it became a monthly ritual. But the moment our bond was broken, my morning hunger vanished. That is also the reason why Grace and I nearly had a wrestling match this morning. I was adamant I was not setting foot in Denny’s and she was adamant she wanted to go there for breakfast. Thankfully, being the big brother meant I won the argument and we’re currently in the diner next door.

“I don’t know why we couldn’t have gone to Denny’s. The food is better,” Grace mumbles through a mouthful of pancakes. Yes,
pancakes.
Ava’s favorite. I roll my eyes as I take a sip of my coffee.

She frowns disapprovingly at my mug; a look she inherited from our mom. “Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

I glance down at her pancakes and bacon, feeling my stomach recoil at the very sight. “I’m fine.”

“But you need something to eat. Let me get you an order of toast.” She turns to alert a waitress, but I grip her hand to stop her.

“I don’t want anything to eat,” I snap. Removing my fingers from her hand, I calmly add, “I don’t eat until lunchtime. I’m fine, honestly.”

“Since when? The Sebastian I know eats like a horse.” She reaches for her glass of orange juice and takes a small sip before placing it back and resuming with her food.

“Since Ava ripped my heart open.”

She pauses mid-chew at my words, looking at me with a mixture of sadness and anger all rolled up into one.

“Breakfast,” I begin with a shrug, “used to be
our
thing. We had our first date at Denny’s.”

“I’m sorry. Now I understand why you didn’t want to go in there earlier, but why didn’t you just tell me? I wouldn’t have fought against you like a two-year-old trying to get her own way,” she says with a small smirk.

My mouth lifts up in a smile, an action that feels foreign to me. “What and miss fighting with my little sis? It’s like a rite of passage.” She laughs at my words and for one moment I forget the tormented torture that holds my chest under water and laugh along with her, but slowly I’m reminded of my impending heartache. Sighing, I say, “I didn’t want to tell you because it sounds pathetic. I’m pathetic. I can’t even walk into a Denny’s restaurant to eat breakfast because it reminds me of Ava and our happy times, and it fucking hurts. And the fact I can’t eat breakfast because of that makes me even more pathetic.” Grace puts her knife and fork down, and reaches for my hand, a serious look on her face.

“You are not pathetic. You’re just hurt. Ava was a big part of your life. You were going to marry her. You gave her your entire heart, your big and amazing heart, and she trampled all over it, so I’m hardly surprised that you’re hurting right now.” She gives my hand a supportive squeeze before letting go. “I’m not going to give you a load of crap about how things will get better because I know that’s not what you want to hear right now. But I will say this—you’ve already hit rock bottom, so there’s only one direction you can go now.”

She’s right. It’s not like things can get any worse. But I can’t help feeling that maybe my life is destined to stay at rock bottom, especially when I look at the salt shaker in the middle of the table and silently wish the salt was cocaine.

“HE’LL TAKE IT!”

We’ve just stepped foot through the door and I’ve barely taken a second glance at the apartment, yet here’s Grace, accepting it for me. Exasperated, I look at the realtor. “Ignore my sister. I’d like to take a thorough look around before I make any decisions.”

I take an appreciative look around my surroundings, and immediately I’m impressed. The open floor space is extremely spacious with incredible mahogany hardwood floors throughout the apartment. The large patio windows that lead to the balcony illuminate the living space with the daylight of Seattle, brightening every square inch of the apartment, even through the gloomy clouds. There’s a small kitchen separated by a breakfast bar that is integrated with sleek black marble countertops. The black complements the white cabinets perfectly. The realtor goes on to tell me how the kitchen is fitted with the essential appliances, a fridge, oven and stove, and a microwave. As he leads us away from the open plan area, he explains how the low ceilings in each room have been fitted with recessed ceiling lights. I go from room to room listening to him tell me the pros, leaving me more than satisfied. Once he’s finished showing us around the place, he steps outside to give me and Grace a moment to discuss the apartment and roam the rooms at our leisure.

“Oh my God, did you see the size of that closet? It’s bigger than my bedroom and bathroom put together,” she says excitedly. “Seriously, this place is perfect. You need to take it before I do,” she adds with a playful glint in her eyes.

“I don’t know . . . You don’t think it’s too much? I mean I haven’t even got a job yet.”

“It’s perfect, Sebastian. And as for a job, you’ll have no trouble. You’re ex-military, the best of the best. Plus you have some pretty decent savings, so it doesn’t matter if you have to dip into them while you get back on your feet.”

“So I should take it?”

“Yes! It’s a great place to start your life over, just you and Lily. It really is perfect.”

Her words hit the very core of me and I’m reminded yet again of how much my life has changed within seven months. Once upon a time it would have been Ava, Lily and me, but now it’s just Lily and me. I always pictured my children with both their parents together; a well-knit unit having family vacations and family days out. I wanted a relationship like my own parents had before my mom passed away. It was the type of love you only find in fairy tales, and I sure as hell wanted my own version of a fairy tale. But
my princess
has irreversibly broken my heart, leaving me to believe that true love is a bunch of crap.

I wander over to the kitchen and sit on the counter, contemplating the hell of my life. “I never thought my life would turn out like this.”

Grace follows my lead and jumps up onto the counter, sitting beside me and swinging her legs.

“I never thought I’d be starting over, having to look for a new apartment without Ava. When I came back from Afghanistan, I was going to buy us a house in the suburbs, begin life as a family, but here I am, starting at the damn bottom.”

Grace nudges my leg with hers. “But you’ll be starting at the bottom with a pretty great apartment,” she says, pointing her thumb in the general vicinity of the apartment. I try and smile, but a magnetic pull from my inner darkness prevents me from doing so. Grace pivots her body to look at me, her face wrinkling with concern. “What’s going on? Do you not like the apartment? We can always keep looking. We can look for a house if that’s what you’d prefer.”

“No, the apartment is great. I’m definitely going to take it. It’s just . . . I wish it were a house with Ava and my daughter. Not an apartment for me where the only time my daughter will be living here will be on the weekends. Hell, I don’t even know if I’ll have Lily-Mai on the weekends. Everything is so fucking messed up.”

“But what better way to move on—”

“Okay, so have you made a decision?” The realtor returns, interrupting the conversation I was having with my sister. I jump from the countertop, turning to face him. Breathing deeply, I take my first step to moving on with my life.

“Where do I sign?”