Authors: Elena Matthews
She text me a couple of minutes earlier asking me to meet her in the ladies restroom, and that she would be in the disabled cubical. She had missed her period and needed some moral support while she took a pregnancy test. As soon as I walked into the restroom, Avery was right behind me. Checking that the coast was clear, or what he presumed was clear, he locked the door and barricaded me i
nto a toilet cubical, unbeknown to him that while he was having his evil way with me, Darcie was in the disabled cubical, listening to everything.
That
was the first time I prayed for death to take me away. I had death-certified phenomenons of cancers, brain aneurysms, and apocalypses echoing through my mind, wishing that any one of them would unexpectedly take me away from this hellhole, this spell I was under.
Then, as if nothing even happened, he walked out, leaving me, his wallowing mess of a bridesmaid sister, perched on the toilet seat, trying to gather up enough strength to go back to the wedding party and pretend that my brother didn’t just rape me, in the middle of his supposedly special day. Through my hollow cries, I could hear Darcie’s soft voice, asking if I was okay and I couldn
’t keep it in any longer. I opened the cubical door and told her everything. She listened intently, and even though I could tell she was physically horrified and sickened by what I was telling her, she allowed me to tell my story, and once I got my six year secret off my chest, it was a tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders.
She wanted me to go to the cops but who would have believed me? I had allowed it to go o
n for far too long. They wouldn’t have taken me seriously, and if I did go and report it and he was found, not guilty, he would have made my life a living hell, and I was afraid of how far he could take it, how dangerous he could be. I was scared of him, I still am. Going to the cops wasn’t an option for me, it just wasn’t. I guess this is something you can relate to. I can only make that assumption because he isn’t in jail. I don’t blame you. I know how intimidating he is, how frightening he is.
Darcie wasn’
t happy, but she'd let it go but only on one condition; if I got as far away from him as possible. I told Darcie it wouldn’t be easy, but I would take the chance. Even if it was my last chance because at this point what did I have left to lose? He’d already taken everything else from me.
Before I continue I need to tell you something and you will probably hate me, I hate myself, so I wouldn’t blame you if you did. During the
last six years, I have been trying to find you.
I have looked high and low, searching the Internet desperately, but last month all my hard work finally paid off.
I found you. God, I couldn’t believe it. I told Darcie that I had found you and that Seattle was where I wanted to be. I wanted to be near my sister. She booked us two tickets to Seattle, and we were scheduled to head out when I knew Avery would be out of the country. Of course, this never went to plan.
When I found you, I wrote your address down in my diary, the diary that was always kept in a small safe inside of my closet. A safe Avery didn’t know about. On the day we were scheduled to fly out, I couldn’t find my diary. I knew he had to
have found it because the safe was the only place I ever stored it.
The panic didn’t set in until after he came into my room, holding my diary in his hand. That was when I realized I just gave him access to your exact location. I am so sorry, Ava. I just wanted to see
you. I didn’t even think of the consequences, but I never thought he would find my diary. And I should have because I know the lengths that man can go to and I couldn’t believe how careless I was. You ran away to get away from him, and I just gave him a first class ticket to your front door. I am so sorry, I truly am.
He told me he knew what I was up to and how Darcie was helping with my escape. He
was so angry knowing somebody was helping me leave him. He said he couldn’t allow it, that he would destroy anybody who tired to get in his way, that he would stop at nothing when it came to me, and his threat to harm you was so obvious. If I went to you, I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he'd come after you, and I just couldn’t let that happen. I told him that if he left you alone, if he didn’t hurt you, then I would stay, and I wouldn’t try to run away again. Once he’d had his way with me, and he left, I decided to call Darcie. When she didn’t answer, I drove over to see her at her parent’s house, where she had been staying.
It seemed I misunderstood Avery’s threat.
When Darcie opened the door, she seemed different. Her eyes were blood shot; her usually bright complexion was a pasty white and her entire body was shaking. She told me that Avery had been to see her earlier in the day and that he had been really angry.
I was violently sick when she told me he had raped her.
As I emptied the entire contents of my stomach, I came to realize that his previous threat wasn’t about you. It was about Darcie. He really wouldn’t stop at anything, and he just confirmed it for me, in the form of my best friend. It was my fault. If I hadn’t had gotten her involved in my mess, then none of this would have happened.
Then three days later she had a miscarriage. She was sixteen weeks pregnant. She had barely come to terms of the
prospect of becoming a mother, when our brother took her baby away from her, and even though he was the main cause of her miscarriage, I was practically the accomplice; I was the one who lead him to her, all because she was trying to help me.
That pushed me over the edge. Six years. Six years I have had to endure his abuse, and now he
is hurting the people that I love
.
I can’t do this anymore. My life is non-existent, and I may still be breathing, but I’m not living anymore, I only exist.
That’s what leads me to write this letter to you. I am saying goodbye. I can’t go on any longer. He has taken everything from me, and I cannot continue on this road to hell that has been my life since I was sixteen-years-old. It has to stop, and the only way I can stop it is if I am no longer here.
I never thought my life would turn out this way, but I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to live anymore. It’s just...it's too hard.
Can you please promise me one thing? Please don’t put any of the blame on yourself. It isn’t your fault. It is Avery’s. I am so glad you got yourself away from this life, away from him, and I hope you’re living life to the full, and if you’re not, then please just start living it, for me, please. When I leave this earth, I want to know that my sister is living a good life, that Avery hasn’t taken away yours too.
Get married, have children, travel the world, walk every step of the empire state building, get a tattoo, swim with dolphins, free fall from a plane, go skinny dipping. Anything. Everything. Just go and live your life, grasp it with both hands and cherish it, please. I am begging you.
I love you, and I am sorry to leave you, but I want my daddy. I want to be with him. He is the only person who can protect me now.
Eve
n though you haven’t been a part of my life for the past ten years, you’re still an amazing sister, and my biggest regret of all is not saying goodbye to you in person. The only thing that gives me comfort is the knowledge that I will get to see you again one day. So until then, goodbye, Ava.
Love Fran xxx
P.S -“Heaven is such a magical place. The clouds are made of marshmallows, and the rain is made up of chocolate and skittles. Every Disney character you can ever imagine will be there, and you will get to live in your own Cinderella Castle, just like the one at Disney World, but it will be bigger than you can ever imagine. You will find your prince, and you will become a princess of your own kingdom and you will live forever and ever, and ever…” – (Ava Jacobson, 1995, aged 10)
Once Ashton’s
recitation of Fran’s words come to a stop, I can’t hold the sob back as the pain of that last part of the letter cripples me. I can’t believe she remembered. God, she was just four when I told her that silly made-up notion about heaven. I allow the tears to flow freely down my face as I feel myself being transported back in time...
“Ava, what does heaven wook like?” I look over to my four-year-old little sister as we lay on the grass, looking up at the bright blue sky, cloud spotting in the back yard. So far we have spotted a giraffe, a dog and a love heart.
“What do you think it looks like?”
“I don’t know, that’s why I am asking you, silly.”
Chuckling, I turn to my side, facing her, sitting up on my elbow. I take a m
oment to think then smile when I picture the perfect heaven.
“Heaven is such magical place. The clouds are made of marshmallows, and the rain is made up of chocolate and skittles. Every Disney character you can ever imagine will be there, and you will get to live in your own Cinderella Castle, just like the one at Disney
World, but bigger than you can ever imagine. You will find your prince, and you will become a princess of your own kingdom and you will live happily ever after.”
Her eyes light up with excitement at the mention of Disney. She loves Disney.
“Will Tinkerbell be there?”
“Yes, Tinkerbell will be there.”
“What about Peter Pan?” Her excitement continues to grow.
“Yes, Peter Pan will be there too.” I continue to humor her.
“Oh, oh, oh what about Awial and Mickey and Minnie Mouse?” she practically screeches at the top of her little voice.
“Yes, all of your favorite Disney Characters will be there. Donald Duck, Aladdin, Simba, Snow White, everybody.”
She ponders on this information for a moment, and then asks, “Who will be my pwince?”
“I don’t know. Who do you want to be your prince?”
“Pwince Charming, for sure. He’s so dweamy,” she says so matter-of-fact that I burst out laughing.
“I thought Aladdin would have been your prince?” I say through my laughter.
There is only one person who can make me laugh like this, and it’s my baby sister. She cracks me up.
“Yes, he is!” she stresses. “But he will be my second pwince though.”
“How many princes will you have?” I ask, continuing to laugh at her wild imagination.
“Four of course. Pwince Charming will be my first pwince, then Awaddin, then Peter Pan, and then my last pwince will
be Beast because Beauty and the Beast is my favorwat film in the whole wide world.”
“Wow, you’re going to have a handful, huh? I think four princes might be too much though Fran. I mean, you're not leaving any princes for me to choose from.”
“Don’t worry Ava, you can have Pwince Charming when I have finished with him.”
“Oh that’s super kind of you, thanks!” I say pretending to be hurt.
“You’re welcome…oh look a pig!” She exclaims looking back up at the sky, pointing out another shape.
The memory fades away, and I am left clutching desperately against Ashton as I let the grief of her life and her death drive through me, consume me, and bury me.
My life compared to Fran’s doesn’t even scratch against the damn surface. What she had to endure, years of constant pain and torment from the hands of one person is too much to comprehend. I should never have fucking left. My leaving just made her life even more unbearable, to the extent that she had to end her own life. My mother was right. It should be me buried in the ground, not my sister. I should have gone back for her, I should have taken her with me; I should have done something, anything.
I can feel Ashton’s arms curl around my trembling body, hushing me. Being within his arms is the only thing getting me through this. As my mind rifles through the information, trying to make sense of the letter, I remember what my sister wrote about Darcie.
“Poor Darcie,” I whimper, understanding all too well the pain she must be going through, losing her unborn child to such a vicious tragedy. “Not her too.
” I say out loud, without realizing the consequence of my words. Ashton looks down at me, confusion etched along his forehead.
“Not her too?” he questions and instead of cowering away into a little corner,
hiding away from my past, I choose to face it head on, revealing the last of my secrets.
“I had a miscarriage when I was sixteen.” His mouth gapes open, then his nostrils flair with anger at the realization.
“He got you pregnant?”
I nod to confirm.
“Yes, and I lost the pregnancy in the very same way.” He shakes his head, almost as if his head might implode with the information.
Suddenly he grips me, pulling me into his lap and kisses me, gentle yet forcefully. He pulls inches away from my lips and leans his head against mine.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, baby. It’s something a woman should never have to go through, ever.” I just nod through my tears, hoping these will be the last ones for a while.
“What do you say we get out of this shit hole? I fucking hate Miami.”
I can only nod eagerly at his question.
“Yes, please. I need to see Lily-Mai; two days is way too long without seeing her.” He gives me another lingering kiss, one that leaves me breathless.