Lord & Master (19 page)

It was hard to give someone breathing room when you wanted to help so much.

Jake read my expression like a book. “He’ll be okay, Mia.”

“What if he secretly wished we’d made a fuss?”

“He didn’t.”

“But what if we should have anyway?”

“Mia,” Jake scolded humorously.

“I want Damien to know, one hundred percent, that I love him as much as I love you.”

Jake smiled. “Loving him as much as me doesn’t mean you have to treat him exactly the same way. Anyway, if I were in his position, you could let me walk off by myself. It wouldn’t make me think you didn’t care.”

Hearing my little sigh of frustration, Jake pulled me loosely against him. “Why are you so hard on yourself? You don’t expect us to always do or say the perfect thing.”

“That’s Mike’s fault,” Curtis said. He snorted out a laugh when I stared at him in surprise. “Well, it is. Your brother always had the right response for every situation. I adored him, but it was downright unnatural sometimes.”

I didn’t think I’d heard Curtis say a word against Mike before.

“I don’t mean it as a bad thing,” he said. “Mike wasn’t fake, just . . . deft.”

A tiny shiver skipped down my nape.

“I dreamed I talked to him last night,” I said. “On the subway. It was really vivid. He asked me to tell you he wants you be happy.”

Curtis’s smile faded. He looked a little spooked. “On the subway.”

“The Blue Line. We were coming up on the stop, but the dream ended before we got there.”

Curtis knew what I meant by
the stop
. “I was there just the other day. I’d totally forgotten until I saw the platform sign. Gave me chills when I realized.”

“It could be a coincidence. And it’s not like I dreamed he said anything profound. Anyone who knew Mike would guess he wants you to make the most of your life.”

“Sure.” Curtis cracked a crooked grin. “Then again, maybe it’s him saying the perfect thing from the other side.”

He is
totally
dating again
, I thought.

Since Curtis had come all that way to give Damien his message, I offered to show him around the house. Mike had left us equal shares in Diogenes. I thought Curtis would be curious to see the recent changes. To my surprise, he looked uncomfortable and declined.

“I’ll see it later,” he said. “If you still throw a wrap party.”

At the moment, I didn’t know whether that would happen. For the rest of the players, no doubt, but maybe not for us. I kept the thought to myself. Jake and I saw our friend and boss to the door, where he hugged us and left.

“That was weird,” I said as I pushed the heavy oak panel closed.

Jake scrubbed at his hair and hummed ambiguously. “You feel like taking a walk?”

“I thought we were giving Damien his space. What if we run into him?”

“A drive then. I saw a diner down in the town. We could eat breakfast there. I wouldn’t mind having the real world around me for a while.”

I guess I got that. “We’d have to change our clothes.”

Jake looked down at himself and laughed. “We’d better do that and go,” he said. “Before I permanently forget what century it is.”

~

The diner in Locksley Village had a definite sixties vibe, but it was real world enough for Jake. We ordered hash browns, eggs, and bacon from a twenty-something waitress with a bouffant hairdo
and
a nose ring. Since we were hungry for comfort food, the selection was perfect.

Though I was bursting to ask Jake if he’d known Sawyer and Sweets had become an item, I figured he’d rather avoid discussing our fictional Edwardian adventures. Unfortunately, all the other things I thought to talk about related to them too.

Had I gotten too entangled in pretending?

I squirmed in my chair and tried to relax. The diner was cool and the food was yummy. Even silent, Jake was good company. Nothing bad was going to happen to Damien in the short time we were away. I didn’t like being smothered. I shouldn’t do it to him.

When Jake glanced at his watch, I gave up.

“What time is it?” I asked. “How long have we been gone?”

“Sheesh. Not even an hour. You’re fidgeting like a mom who left her kid with the babysitter for the first time.”

“You’re the one who checked your watch.”

Jake took a bite of bacon. “Give it ten more minutes and then we’ll leave.”

“You’ve been keeping track as much as I have! I know you want to go back too. Janine stalked and harassed Damien for more than a decade. He’s going to have more feelings than relief at her being dead.”

Jake exhaled a lengthy sigh and set down his knife and fork. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I guess I’m trying too hard to prove I’m not worried.”

“Great,” I said, too relieved to thank him for the admission. I stood up to flag down our waitress. “I’m going to get the check.”

Though Jake laughed at my eagerness, I noticed he didn’t ask me to hold off.

~

We found Damien in the library. He sat on one of the refurbished sofas with his face buried in his hands. I surmised he’d come here for the Wi-Fi, because a sleek silver notebook sat open on the coffee table in front of him. My mind raced. Had he done a search for news of Janine’s accident?

“Shit,” Jake said underneath his breath.

That’s when I noticed Damien’s shoulders were hitching. He was crying into his hands, not simply hiding there.

I guess Jake was more comfortable offering reassurance than handling tears. He froze a step behind me in the doorway.

“Come on,” I said, giving his sleeve a tug.

The room was exactly what an old library ought to be: lots of tall deep bookshelves and leather and fancy crown molding. The carpet was dark and rich, the polish on the woodwork mingling with the scent of the aging books. Because I’d discussed it with Management, I knew precisely which section housed the Victorian erotica.

This, of course, wasn’t my concern right then.

Damien lifted his head as I lowered myself beside him. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were red. I’d never seen him cry before. My eyes instantly burned with sympathy.

“Sorry,” he said, his face puckering with rueful humor. “I probably could use some Edwardian Kleenex.”

Jake dug a neatly pressed handkerchief out his pocket.

Damien blew and wiped and finally settled back on the couch with a gusty sigh. Jake sat down on his other side. Damien patted his thigh and looked at me.

“I Skyped him,” he said.

“Your dad.”

He nodded. “Maybe I should have waited, but I had to talk to him at some point. At the least, I had to face him so I could start putting this behind me. I thought, ambitiously I suppose, that I’d get the business over with before you two came back.” He pulled the same face he had for his tears. “I didn’t realize talking to him would hit me so hard.”

“Of course it hit you hard,” I said. “I mean, I know you’re a guy and adult and you probably weren’t physically afraid of Janine, but she’d been harassing you a long time. When your dad didn’t believe you and actually
married
her, that had to have been a blow. I’m amazed you held your ground as calmly as you did all these years.”

“I’m amazed you didn’t ask me to find a hit man to take her out. —Kidding,” Jake said when we gaped at him. “Sort of.”

Sort of
was right. Given his black ops background, Jake probably knew an assassin or two.

Damien exhaled and shook his head. “I didn’t bother arguing with my dad this time. I let him go through his usual spiel about how wonderful Janine was, and how she only wanted us to be a family, and why did I have to cling to those old complaints that she’d explained away a million—” He cut himself off. “It was the same as always only worse because her dying had whipped him up. I let him run through all his stupidity, and then I laid out my position.

“He had my forgiveness if he ever thought he needed it, but—whether he realized what Janine was one day or not—nothing in this universe could make me reconcile with him. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again, not because I was angry, but because I didn’t care. I told him . . .” Damien swallowed. “I know it’s harsh, but I told him I didn’t love him and hadn’t for a while. Naturally, he pointed out how cruel I was speaking to him like that when his wife had just died. Then I said I could live with that and hung up.”

Damien’s eyes had welled up again. I rubbed his upper arm as he blotted them.

“If you were cruel, he earned it,” I said flatly. “You were seventeen when she started in with her craziness. Your dad should have had your back even if he doubted you. Instead, he chose blind self-interest and male ego. I’d be surprised if on some level he doesn’t know you told the truth.”

My hardness seemed to surprise him and Jake too.

“You don’t think I’m a terrible person for not loving my own father?” Damien asked this as unemotionally as he could.

I hesitated. I knew Jake had loved his parents. By his account, they’d been wonderful people, and he missed them now that they were gone. My feelings toward my folks were more complex. In the end, I didn’t censor my answer. “I think the sane thing is not to love your dad. Why the hell should you?”

Damien laughed shakily and then sobered. “You know I love you, right? Both of you. Right down into my soul. If it weren’t for the pair of you and what you’ve made me feel, I might think I didn’t have a heart.”

“Jesus,” Jake said, giving the back of Damien’s neck a squeeze. “Of course you have a heart. And, trust me, no matter how great Mia and I are, we didn’t put it inside your chest.”

Damien hugged him and held on. Jake kissed his ear and extended his arm to me. I embraced Damien too. We felt him calm between us.

“Okay,” he said, done with the group hug. “I think I’m all right now.”

I sat back but took his hand in mine. “Do you want to go home?”

“No,” Damien said without hesitation, which lifted my eyebrows. “I don’t want to give that sicko any more influence over me. I want to continue what we were doing before Regina interrupted. I want to finish playing out our game.”

“You’re sure?” Jake said.

“Positive. Put your historical clothes back on. We’ll reconvene in the dining room.”

If this kept up, I’d be changing outfits as often as a real Edwardian.

Chapter Fourteen

I FELT
some trepidation over resuming our discussion. Aiming to please, whether that made sense or not, I chose a garment in Damien’s favorite silver blue. The gown had elbow-length sleeves and a high fitted waist. The neckline showed off my bosom every bit as well as the maid’s outfit had my bum. The matching gloves went on like gauntlets, though I doubted they’d protect me. I debated what message donning Damien’s extravagant diamond necklace sent, then decided not to care.

It felt right to wear it. I’d let him decide what it meant.

If Damien drew a particular conclusion, I wasn’t aware of it. I did notice that his eyes glowed as I reclaimed my chair.

He and Jake sat across from me at the long table. Their sober expressions reminded me of solicitors.

When Damien pushed the legal papers toward me across the table, the impression intensified. I looked at the topmost page but ignored the pen he laid over them.

“Thank you for returning,” Damien said. “I appreciate this opportunity to redress my mistake.”

“By divorcing me.”

“By setting you free. I never should have compelled you to stay even for six months. Sign these, and the endowment I promised you is yours. I assure you, it’s generous.”

I didn’t doubt that. “I care about you.”

“I’m grateful for that. I care about you as well. That’s why I’m doing this.”

His eyes were steady, not so much cool as calm. Something had changed. He was more confident than when we last debated this.

I touched the pen and my chest tightened. If I didn’t sign, Jake would leave. If I did, I’d no longer be Damien’s wife. Neither option appealed to me.

“Please,” Damien said softly. “Allow me to make this gift to you.”

I wrested my gaze from his. I had to search for the answer within myself.

Think
, I ordered.
There has to be a way to thread this needle
.

The decision came not from my intellect but my gut. Almost before I knew I was going to do it, I picked up the pen and scrawled my signature.

“There,” I said, shoving the document back at him.

My heart beat wildly for having performed such a simple act. Damien took the pages, folded them, and tucked them into his breast pocket.

Then he rose and buttoned his suit jacket. “Thank you,” he said.

Jake pushed his chair back and stood too.

Both of them were leaving? That my soul couldn’t tolerate.

“I accept you,” I burst out. Damien halted. “Both of you,” I added. “Of my own free will and under no duress.”

Damien pinned me with his gaze. “Let me be sure I understand you. You accept both Jake and myself as your lovers.”

“Yes.”

“No matter that it’s a depravity for which you might face censure.”

“Yes.” My hands were clenched with anxiety. “I don’t want you to lose him.”

“You don’t want
me
to lose him.”

“Jake said he’d rather leave than ruin our chance for happiness. I know how much you care about him. You—” My throat tightened and I cleared it. “Assuming you aren’t going to cut your ties to me completely, you deserve to be loved by both of us.”

Damien had come around the table. He rested his hips against the edge next to me. “So. You’d live with me in sin and accept my male lover, all because you wish me to be happy.”

“I love you,” I said, having no logic to uphold my position.

“And him?”

I lifted my gaze to Jake. His arms were crossed, his face as calm on its surface as Damien’s. The sharp glitter of his deep blue eyes gave away his intentness on my answer. Simply looking at him caused me to flush.

“God help me,” I said. “He sets my flesh on fire even as you do.”

“You want us both.”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“And love us both.”

I bit my lip, for some reason shamed even more by this. “Yes.”