Losing It (7 page)

Dear Diary,

I’ve just come back from a group session. Veronica wanted us to talk about the progress we’re making. No one said much. Kara picked at her jumper and kept her feet in perfectly correct alignment; Ingrid was a hundred miles away (probably on some imaginary training run or other) and Pip just stared out the window. Leon jiggled his right leg, chewed his lip and looked totally pissed off.

‘Is there something you’d like to share with us, Leon?’ says Veronica.

Leon chewed his lip some more and jiggled a bit harder.

‘We’re waiting, Leon.’

And then the sparks started to fly. ‘What is it with you guys?’ he snapped and Veronica looked gobsmacked.

‘Pardon?’

‘You never know when to let up, do you? You’re always harping on at us about making progress. Getting better. Nag. Nag. Nag.’

‘Well, er …’

‘Has it ever crossed your mind that some of us might be happy as we are? That, well, maybe we don’t want to make progress.’ (He said the word ‘progress’ with a real sarcastic whine in his voice.)

‘Are you happy as you are, Leon?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Really?’

He thought about it, then said ‘Yeah, well … who says I’d be any happier if I was fat?’

‘But the goal isn’t to get fat, Leon.’ Veronica was back in full therapist mode now. ‘The goal is to get healthy – functioning at a healthy weight. It’s not normal to –’

‘And who gets to define this healthy weight exactly?’ – Leon.

‘A healthy weight is when your kidneys aren’t
collapsing
.’ – Veronica. ‘A healthy weight is when your potassium levels are normal and your bowels are functioning.’

‘You just want to take control,’ – Leon. ‘This is the only thing we have left and you want to take it away…’

‘Have you seen Francine lately?’ – Veronica. ‘Have you seen what being in control has done for her?’

‘She’s doing what she wants to do, isn’t she?’ – Leon. ‘It’s a free world, isn’t it?’

‘Do you really believe that, Leon?’

I tried talking to Leon later because I wanted to make sure he was okay. And also because I was interested in what he said about having control. Because that’s how I feel sometimes. I guess I wondered if he felt the same as me. What he said was interesting: ‘When I first stopped eating it was like I was taking a stand. Taking control of something. It annoyed the hell out of Mum but she couldn’t do anything about it. I guess I quite liked that. It was me in charge for once.’

‘Are you still in charge now, then?’ I asked him.

He couldn’t answer that. He just shrugged like he wasn’t sure of anything any more.

We played Trivial Pursuit after tea. TP questions are totally random and utterly impossible.

P.S. Example!
What did Joe Cocker buy for $60 in Sydney in October, 1972?

Marijuana.

Friggin’ idiot!!!

Dear Diary,

‘Dear Diary’ – How corny is that. Sounds like a little kid about to spill her secrets, which is strange because when I woke up this morning I was a little kid again – back home in Cutler Street. It was weird. Surreal. Like Mum and Dad were in the kitchen making breakfast and I was sitting at the table dribbling golden syrup onto my porridge and licking the spoon. Mum looked amazing. Like she was Mum, but she wasn’t – if you know what I mean. Then she picked out the shiniest apple from the bowl to put in my lunchbox and she was smiling. (Kind of oddly.) Then Dad pecked her cheek and said ‘Bye, Honey’ (just like on the tele). And the sky was blue and the sun was shining and all was well with the world.

But when I woke up I was in a hospital bed and
the sky was grey and it was pissing down with rain. And there was a sick feeling in my tummy, knowing that
breakfast
was in the common room in half an hour. I so dread meal times. Skiddling scrambled egg around my plate for hours. Being under constant surveillance … Honestly, this place can be so suffocating.

Leon and Caroline had a ripper argument this afternoon.

Caroline was watching Oprah on TV3 and Leon kept changing channels. We all have him on about liking the ‘Bob’ cartoons. His favourite is
Bob the Builder
but he’s quite fond of
Sponge Bob
too. Anyway, Caroline got up and changed it back, which was when the argument started.

Leon – ‘I don’t know how you can watch that rubbish. It’s pathetic navel-gazing crap.’

Caroline – ‘You can talk – cartoon man…’

Oprah – ‘We’re having a “girls’ party” today.’ Big toothy grin.

Then Leon rolls his eyes and says ‘A girls’ party, huh!’ and changes back to
Sponge Bob Square Pants
. On the tele, a girl called Melissa is telling Oprah all about how she lost her virginity at sixteen. ‘I slept with everyone in sight and had to change schools,’ she says, which for some reason gets right up Leon’s nose.

‘Don’t tell us your problems lady,’ he says.

‘Melissa is obviously hungry for something,’ says Oprah, oblivious to the trouble brewing in a psych ward on the other side of the world. ‘And, as women, we have to start filling ourselves up with things that make us feel
whole and valuable, not worthless and cheap.’ (Or
something
to that effect.)

‘Give us a break!’ says Leon, which prompts Caroline to hurl a coffee cup at him. (Polystyrene, luckily.)

‘Have a heart, arsehole,’ she says.

‘A lot of young girls treat their bodies like trash cans…’ Oprah continues.

‘Well, that’s their bloody lookout,’ says Leon.

‘And men will drop their trash in our bodies if we let them –’ says Oprah.

That’s when Leon stomps out.

And Caroline, looking all surprised, says, in this really childish voice: ‘What’s burning his biscuits today, Jo?’

How the heck should I know? But I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Leon must feel pretty outnumbered by females in here.

Two days later:

I think Veronica must watch Oprah as well – to get ideas, I mean.

Today she asked us what we would wish for if our fairy godmother appeared. But don’t hold your breath for anything earth-shattering. Kara just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t wish for anything. Pip wished she could make her mum and dad happy, which was just about the saddest and most pathetic thing I’d ever heard. (Even sadder knowing that she meant it.)

Ingrid bit her lip and looked like she was going to burst into tears, as usual.

Leon said he’d like to write a song for Bob Dylan to sing, which I thought was pretty awesome. And at least he’d thought about it. As for me, my mind went completely blank. Well, there was one thing.

Veronica perked up. ‘And what’s that, Jo?’

I looked down at the floor because I was too scared to say it out loud. Too scared to hear my own voice crack. ‘To have Mum back,’ I said.

Must go,

Jo

Dear Issy,

Did you know that a spider has an exoskeleton that she has to shed in order to grow? Creepy, huh? Which explains why you see those headless spider bodies lying about on windowsills. Although, when you think about it shedding your own body is actually quite a cool concept. A good chance to start again.

Speaking of which … I had an interesting
conversation
with Dot last night. We were talking about people reinventing themselves and how amazing it would be to start your life over – like slipping into a new skin. Dot said the first thing she’d change would be her name. She reckons ‘Dot’ is kind of inappropriate for someone who weighs 98 kilos. I guess she has a point. ‘They would’ve been better off calling me “Blob”,’ she says. Poor Dot.

Dear Mum,

Two fat blokes are in a pub. One says to the other, ‘Your round.’

The other says: ‘So are you, you fat git.’

My best friend, Issy, sent me a joke book. She knows it’s hard work being gifted and talented and
hospital
camp can be hard going especially when everyone at school is gearing up for the major event of the year, which is the senior formal dance. Gifted and talented people take
themselves very seriously. Well, I guess they have to, because no one else does.

Luv,

Jo

Dear Sis,

This week we made pizza. I had to wrap mine in loo paper (unused!) because Martin Wainwright used the last paper napkin. I hope you like it. It will taste better if you heat it in the microwave first. (Twenty seconds on high should do it. Dad and I are getting good at the microwave now.) Do they have microwaves there?

Sorry there’s no cheese but Martin Wainwright used the last of that as well. So I put on more chilli sauce instead.

Luv,

Matt

Recipe for Pizza

Make scone dough. Roll into a ball. Then roll out flat. Spread on chilli sauce. Add other stuff, like pineapple, bacon and cheese. Bake in hot oven until cooked.

Yum!

P.S. Thanks for that spider stuff. Cool.

P.P.S. Poor Mrs Ramsay got done for shoplifting again. It said in the paper that she pinched a garden fork from K-Mart, which Dad says is really silly cause she could buy herself a million garden forks if she wanted to.

Dear Matt,

Thanks for the pizza. It was perfect, especially the crust, which was nice and crunchy.

How is Sushi? How is Mrs Jordan?

I hope you are working hard at school.

Luv,

Jo

P.S. I think you need to do something about that Martin Wainwright.

P.P.S. Give Sushi a pat for me and tell her congratulations about the kittens.

P.P.P.S. Re: Mrs Ramsay – sometimes people do the strangest things, don’t they? And for no apparent reason.