Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (10 page)

But where was the ‘better’? I was thirty years old. I had dated men in my twenties and even recently, I had gone out with a few people. My parents had given me full freedom to choose my life partner. But where was he?

‘Hello!’ Arjun snapped his fingers and broke my chain of thought. His smile made me blush. He had probably guessed what I had been thinking about and looked at me romantically. Really, his eyes could not have shown more expression of what he wanted right there.

He continued on the same topic. ‘You know, the tattoo I would get is of the sun. Gaudi’s Sun.’

‘What?’ I asked, suddenly inquisitive.

‘In Barcelona, there is this famous artist, Antoni Gaudi. Now, he depicted the sun in this most unusual way. It’s a mosaic. It’s vibrant with all these colours and layers. It’s not just a sun, it’s a symbol. It’s a discourse on the real and the imagination.’

I looked at him, trying to understand what he was saying. But he tried to impress me some more and continued, ‘Kaveri, Gaudi is more than just a painter, an artist or an architect. His work carries meaning to different realms. He uses nature to depict something larger. It’s actually quite fantastic!’ he said, smiling to himself.

I looked at him then. A part of me wanted to hear more about this, to listen to this man talk forever. He inspired me. He motivated me. He understood me. Wasn’t that what a perfect man was supposed to be?

But that voice of Reason came back and my headache returned.

‘Please, Arjun. Stop. I can’t talk about random stuff anymore. I don’t care about the tattoo. I care about us. Will this end as soon as we finish dinner? Will we have nothing more to go on with?’ I rambled. I sounded foolish even to myself. But I was a little lost girl in this forest of love.

He took my hand and looked into my eyes, ‘Not if you don’t want to.’

He had really opened up to me. If he was truthfully saying his marriage was over, then why shouldn’t he move on? After all, a man also needs some fun in his life and he needs to have friends. What was the harm in me giving him that fun, and being a friend? This relationship was becoming more and more acceptable to me as we chatted. But a part of me was still angry and hurting. I blurted out, ‘You should have told me you were married. I could have had the choice then to remain friends before …’ I caught myself from saying ‘falling for you’. I stopped mid sentence.

‘I’m sorry I led you on. But please give me a chance!’

‘But you’re married Arjun,’ I said softly shaking my head. ‘I can’t be … I’ve never been … my morals … I’m …’ I struggled to get the correct words.

He took my hand and put both of his over it and held it tight for a long time. Then he looked at me and brushed my hair away from my face. ‘Please. Stop saying that. It doesn’t matter. Sometimes you find your soul mate after your marriage … You’re so beautiful,’ he whispered. ‘Just give me a chance.’

Was he my soul mate? Was he supposed to be anything? But my brain told me to get over the married part and look at him more clearly. Was he what I had wanted if he was single? And the answer was right there in front of me. I knew then what I had to do.

‘Arjun,’ I said softly. ‘How about you come back to my room and we chat there for a bit? The music is too loud here,’ I said trying not to sound desperate.

He looked at me as if it was a test. ‘Are you sure, Kaveri? I don’t want you to regret anything later and blame me for it.’

‘I’m a grown woman. I know what I’m doing,’ I said with more stubbornness than confidence. I was actually a little tipsy and didn’t really know what I was doing. But you only live once, I thought. Maybe I’ll never find the right man. Maybe, when I told the Universe I wanted to lose my virginity, it didn’t answer back with, ‘Here’s the perfect
single
guy who wants to spend the rest of your life with you, Kaveri.’

I didn’t want to wait till the perfect single guy came along. I might have to wait for years, and by then I would be old and haggard. I mean, look at Aditi who has been sleeping with all the wrong men and she still hasn’t come across the one person she loves and is willing to marry. Arjun was my Great Love. There, I said it. I had found him. The man I was looking for, to give me what I needed, yearned for and desired all my life. My Great Love. Who cared if he was married? He was there. And he wanted me.

I could either take that chance now, or wait till I got married to someone else. Besides I had promised myself that I would be true to my ‘values’. The conflict had been killing me all day. It had to stop now. He paid up and we went to my hotel room.

Yes. I had made up my mind.

Hotel room. This is not how I imagined it. He draws the curtains. Lights switched off. A warm glow comes from a corner. I look around and see it. Lavender scented candles. How? Hotel gift shop, he says. I’m so scared. And yet eager. He approaches me. I’m shy. He kisses me. Confidently. Deeply. Gently. He pulls my hands over my head to take off my shirt. Not yet, I whisper. He holds me tight. Gently. I ramble incoherently. He holds my chin up. You don’t need to, he says, it’s okay. I confess, this is new. He hesitates. I draw him in. I want it. I take off my shirt. I’m self-conscious. Gasp. You’re gorgeous! he mumbles. I fumble with the buttons of his shirt. He looks deep into my eyes. Not judging. Just wanting. Hoping. I see him. Striking body. Stunning bronze skin. He moves his hands down my back and draws me closer. He nuzzles my neck. I run my fingers through his hair. I’m so unsure. Maybe I should stop. I try and speak. Unsuccessfully. He smothers any words that may emanate from me. Sure movements of the tongue. Deft. I sigh. I stumble back, and we land on the bed. He swivels me around and kisses my back. His hands tenderly move to my breasts. I want more. He gently lays me down. I quiver with anticipation. He kisses my navel. Glides down. I stop him. Too soon. Silence. He continues. Oh God! What have I been missing! It’s so wrong. He’s not mine. He finds me with his mouth. I moan. He breathes me in. Don’t stop, I beg. He smiles. Are you ready, he asks? No. Yes. Now. He pulls me down, holds my leg and begins to slide into me. I groan. Should I stop, he asks afraid to hurt me. Yes, no, don’t stop, I beg. He moves in deeper. It burns. Long, slow strokes. Softly. Surely. Gently. So good, I murmur. Faster, harder, rougher. Pain. Pleasure. Oh, I know now. My back arches. He holds me tighter, breathing heavily. My nails dig into his back. He smiles at me as he moves. A half-smile. Eyes locked with mine. Not flinching. The room smells of us. Of love. Of lust. Of sweat. Sigh. Minutes become hours, night becomes day. Our bodies still entwined. Am I doing this correctly, I think. And then, right there, I know. I let go. He unwinds. We smile. I say with my eyes—I’m a woman. I’m Yours. I’m Whole. He knows.

Coffee. That was my first thought. I have no idea why but I guess since I’ve never been too much into alcohol, the first comfort, warm feeling I wanted was from a hot cup of coffee.

So I got up and made myself a cup of coffee. It was almost dawn now. The most beautiful sky I’ve ever seen lay before me as I sat on a chair near a window overlooking the sea. My body trembled from all the action of the last few hours. My skin couldn’t stop tingling. My heart was overwhelmed with the feeling of being loved and my body was exhausted from being appreciated. It had been fantastic and I had no more words left.

He got up and sat on the other chair by the window. In my hotel room. With his cup of tea. The sun was hitting him from behind the large windows. God, he was good looking! If he hadn’t been, it wouldn’t have been worth it. Really, that was shallow, but it was true. The fact that his amazing smile and personality added to his looks helped. But no, I was digressing from the fact: HE WAS MARRIED!

Shit. That made me The Other Woman, I never thought I would be! Especially, when I’d been a virgin till only a few hours ago. But I didn’t want to think about that. The more I tried to shut my mind to that fact, the more it kept coming back.

I remembered that Alanis Morissette song,
Ironic
. The one thing you really want from life and when you get it, it turns out to be at the wrong time. So we sat in silence and finished our coffee and tea. It was my turn to speak and he respected that. So I made him wait. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I should have asked him to leave, and told him that I never want to see him again.

But then, I was in love. In love with a married man.

Love.

One word.

So many questions and never any right answers. A word that makes people do extraordinary things—in my case, extraordinarily stupid things. My senses had deserted me. A word that is most clichéd and yet most potent. I knew now what I had been missing. But I also knew that it couldn’t have been with any of those men that I had met earlier. No. This was destiny. Fate had brought us together at this stage to share our bodies and our lives and know that it didn’t take a lifetime to get to know a person. Sometimes it took seconds.

And let’s not forget the Love-Making. I thought it would be awkward but it was not. It was tender and gentle. Yes, it hurt, but it was this lovely feeling, like when you jump into a blue, inviting, cold sea on a hot day, it stings at first but the feeling when you’re in that water with the sun on your back, it was like that. It was exhilarating. It felt like I was finally free.

The memory would not be bitter if we had to part now forever. But, oh god, would we have to part forever? I felt guilty and yet so happy. I smiled at him. I had got into this knowingly, from the beginning. But I was beginning to feel crummy about what we had to do now.

‘So what should we do now?’ I asked, hoping for some answer that would make me happy without the guilt pangs.

He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Take a shower?’

I smiled. ‘You know what I mean.’

He took a sip of his drink and said, ‘This is nice and hot. You know how to make it exactly as I like it.’ He was moving away from the topic. I felt uncomfortable. I had led him on. I had made him sin. Adultery. I felt ashamed. ‘Thank you. I have a knack,’ I said nonchalantly to his compliment on the tea. I think he guessed my tone.

Unsure.

He nodded and continued, ‘I think you’re the most beautiful, intelligent, enigmatic woman I’ve met. And I have no idea what to do from here. So, what you want to do is completely up to you.’

I stayed quiet, thinking this over. I finished my coffee and kept it back on the table in front of us. I wanted to ask him if he loved me the way I loved him. But I knew that was a stupid question. Because I think only women are capable of feeling such strong emotions within such a short span of time.

‘I want us to remain friends,’ I said finally.

‘Just friends?’ he asked, too quickly and eagerly. Thankfully.

‘I’m not so sure that this relationship can be any more than that,’ I replied. I wanted it to be more and yet I had all these conflicting emotions. What would my parents have thought of me if they knew the truth?

‘Kaveri,’ he said, putting his cup down firmly, ‘I want more than a friendship. What we had …’ he stopped and took a deep breath and continued, ‘You know what … whatever you say is okay with me.’ And that’s all he said. And then he got up and went to take a shower.

Did he want a relationship or a commitment or a fling? What exactly did he mean, I wanted to ask? But I just stayed quiet, happy in the thought he wanted something at least. But we had a whole lot of issues to clear up. So I asked after him, ‘Arjun, you’re married. How do we take this further anyway?’

‘Arjun!’ I asked again, hesitantly.

He came out of the shower after five minutes with a towel wrapped around him and said dispassionately, ‘You know, we’ll just have to be careful. I don’t want us to be seen by anyone where the news might go back to her. I want to break it to her once she’s back from her mom’s place in Assam.’

So I nodded and agreed. It would hurt his wife. He was right in being cautious.

‘And,’ he continued, as he gelled his thick black hair, ‘we’ll have to see how we feel about each other and take our relationship forward.’

See how we feel
? I’m already in love with you, I wanted to say. But he didn’t feel it. He wanted to test the waters, which I suppose was a logical thing to do. Maybe I could show him how much he could be in love with me. I thought I would prove what an indispensable, desirable, devoted girlfriend I could be and then he would realize that he was in love and marry me.

‘Sure,’ I said nonchalantly and headed to the bathroom. But he pulled me closer to him and held me tight.

‘I want whatever you want. I’ll spend as much time with you as I can and we’ll see where this goes once we go back to our daily lives, okay?’ I nodded and before I could say anything, he pulled me down on the bed and moved his head towards my neck again. He started kissing me softly on my ear.

‘I have a whole lot of tricks that you haven’t seen yet,’ he said in a naughty tone and I smiled and said, ‘Show me.’

Later when I was in the shower, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I knew I had changed in the last three days. I had gone from being a woman who didn’t know anything about men to one desperate to hold on to the man she had just slept with. So what if he was married? I had taken on challenges in my life and this was just another one. He himself had said his marriage was on the decline. I just needed to push it down the drain. And then I would be Mrs Arjun D’Souza. I didn’t want to wash away this smell of him that was on me now. I didn’t want to dissolve the feeling on my body of sweet surrender. I didn’t want Greek God to be a fling. I wanted permanence. My plan was already hatching in my head when he entered the bathroom and kissed me. He dragged me back outside and we went back to a routine we became familiar with only a few hours ago.

Then after taking a shower and making love for the third time that morning, we quickly packed and he drove me to the airport. We parted like lovers and promised we would meet during the week once he came back to Mumbai. I was looking forward to meeting Aditi, and telling her about my plan. Oh, she would be so proud of me!