“Mom, when can I start dating?” Maggie
asked as we made our way to the car.
“Well, I think
it depends on where you’re going?” I told her, balancing the pizza on one hand
to get my keys out of my pocket. “If you want to see a movie with a group of
friends, maybe 12 or 13. If you want to go out with a boy that drives, maybe 16
or so.”
“That sounds
fair. Do you think Sam and Karie are having sex?”
What?
I almost choked. “Umm... why would you
ask that?”
“Isn’t that
what older people do? You and Daddy used to have sex all the time.”
I struggled not
to laugh. Brian and I were very open with the kids, and though we didn’t
discuss our sex life with them, we also didn’t hide our feelings for one
another. We held hands and kissed in public, and we had been caught by one of
the kids on more than one occasion.
“Well, Daddy
and I were married, and we were older than Sam and Karie.” I tried to explain.
“So... you have
to be married and older to have sex?” Maggie asked, climbing into the back
seat.
“No, no. I
didn’t say that.” I took a deep breath. “Daddy and I loved each other very
much, and one way to show that is by having sex. It made us feel close, and it
made us happy. But being in love only makes sex better.”
I wasn’t sure
if I should continue.
“But it’s
very
important to know that you have to be careful. Sex can have consequences. Do
you know what that means?” I asked her and peeked at her in the rearview
mirror.
She nodded, so
I continued, “You could get pregnant. Or you could get very sick, if you aren’t
careful.”
She appeared to
be following what I was saying.
“I don’t know
if Sam and Karie are doing that, but I think that is private,” I said. “And we
shouldn’t ask him about it, okay?”
She nodded and
busied herself with looking in her Barnes & Noble bag. I made a mental note
to ask Sam about that later.
Carey got home about 45 minutes after we
did. He had decided to eat at work, so he just sat down with Sam and I at the
table. I felt generous, so I let Jimmy and the girls take their pizza into the
family room and said they could watch
Spongebob
. I heard the three of
them yucking it up.
“So where are
you going tomorrow night?” I asked Carey, well aware that he had just gotten
his first paycheck.
“I was thinking
of keeping it simple - dinner and a movie.” He looked at me for confirmation
that his plan was a good one.
“Sounds good.”
I nodded at him. “Where you going to eat?”
“I don’t
know... Olive Garden maybe—some place like that.”
“Don’t take her
to an Italian restaurant, dork. Her parents are great cooks. Go somewhere
else,” Sam suggested.
“Oh, I didn’t
think of that.” Carey looked confused.
“Duh,” Sam
pushed.
“Why don’t you
just go to The Cheesecake Factory, and then the theater is right next to it,” I
said as I kicked Sam under the table.
“Ow! Mom,
really!” Sam leaned down to rub his shin.
Carey knew what
I had done and smirked. “That sounds like a good idea.”
“I want you
home by midnight,” I told him. “Understand?”
He nodded.
“Now, she is
your boss’s daughter, and Mr. and Mrs. Carideo are friends, so you be
respectful. Manners,” I told him.
“I know, Mom.”
He rolled his eyes at me. That just annoyed me.
“Carey, I mean
it.” I said this firmly, and both boys sat up and stopped screwing around.
“Yes, ma’am,”
Carey said, and I could hear the apology in his voice. “I really like her, Mom.
I understand what you’re saying, and I’ll be respectful. I promise.”
Carey was a
good kid, but he was still a teenage boy.
I nodded.
“Good. Alright. Can you give Sam and I a minute? I want to talk to him.”
He said sure
and punched Sam on the way out, telling him he was in trouble.
After Carey left, I turned to my oldest.
“Look, I’m not trying to be nosy, and I don’t expect any details, but Maggie
brought up something today that I hadn’t really thought of.”
“Okay.” Sam
looked worried.
“If you and
Karie
are
sleeping together...” I paused to let it soak in. “I expect
you to be responsible. I don’t subscribe to the idea that birth control is only
on the woman just because she’s the one that could get pregnant, and I
hope
you
don’t see things that way.”
“Mom, you
taught me better than that!” I could tell that Sam was a tad offended that I
felt the need to bring this to him.
I sighed. “I
know, sweetie. I just worry about you—and about Karie. Sex is... well, it’s
serious.”
Sam struggled
not to laugh, and I couldn’t help but feel that I was botching this entire
discussion.
I continued.
“You
really
have to think about birth control, and even if she
is
on
the pill... heck, even some medication could make her pill less effective, and
you wouldn’t even know until it’s too late.”
I was trying.
“Okay... crap... okay, look. I don’t want to be a grandmother! Okay? There. I
said it! I’m too young. Hell, I don’t even have gray hair yet.”
Now Sam actually
starting laughing. “But you’d be the hottest grandma out there, Mom.”
I gave him a
dirty look. “Don’t even go there.”
I put my hand
over his and really looked at him. Sam was so handsome, so smart, so kind. He
was becoming such a good man, and a lot of that had to do with Brian, and I
hoped some of it had to do with me. Sam was the perfect case study for nature
versus nurture. I only knew what Brian had shared about Hannah. Brian saw no
real reason to talk about her, but I knew that at one point he had thought
their relationship was serious. I’d run across pictures he had stored away in
old boxes. She was a beautiful women. I’d give her that. Other than that, I
didn’t know much. She was older than Brian and more... worldly. Eventually he
realized something was off about her. She was too wild, too unpredictable, and
their relationship wouldn’t last. And then she got pregnant with Sam. Trying to
make it work caused more problems, and Brian had told me, albeit it was just a
passing comment, that his father had already started helping him look into
getting sole custody of Sam.
For years I had
lived in fear of her coming back to Virginia—possibly seeking to reclaim her
son. I wasn’t worried about Brian. He always spoke with a finality, and I knew
that it was a closed door in his mind. But her son? Deep down the idea of her
trying to take away
our
Sam was one of my worst nightmares. But as the
years passed, and we heard nothing, the fear subsided. And then Sam turned 18,
and I blew out the breath I had been holding for 15 years.
“Mom?” Sam
snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry...
Honey, I just want you to be careful. Birth control, safe sex... it needs to be
something you both talk about. With the risk of pregnancy or STDs... it can’t
be only on you or Karie. Okay?” I was begging him to listen to me, to hear what
I was saying. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful?”
He’d stopped
laughing and squeezed my hand in his. “Mom, I promise you, whatever we decide,
it’ll be something we decide together. Have faith in how you raised me, okay?”
“I do, baby.
But I also
know
you have plans for your life. So a baby right now... or
a wife. It would be hard.”
“You know, you
and Dad weren’t much older than Karie and I when you got married,” Sam pointed
out.
“No. We
weren’t.” I eyed him. “Are you that serious? Marriage? Kids? Is that something
you’ve talked about?”
“Not really. We
haven’t even said the ’L’ word yet,” he told me. “But I like her. I think I’m
falling in love with her. It feels different.”
“It feels
real,” I filled in for him. “When your dad and I got serious, it felt different
for me too. With the few other guys I dated, there was this idea that we
had
to do this or do that, but with your dad... I just felt like things fell
into place.”
Sam was nodding
and watching me closely.
“Now, don’t get
me wrong. Any relationship will take some work, but with your dad... even the
work felt right.”
For once, I was
able to keep it together. I was able to share all of this with Sam and not
break down. My heart still felt hollow, but there was a tiny bit of joy there
too. Joy that I had been able to have Brian for so many years. That we had been
able to share all we shared, that we had the kids. And the joy kept my eyes
dry—for the time being.
I smiled and
nodded at him. “You know, I always figured your dad would give you this talk.”
Sam returned my
sad smile. “I know, Mom. Me too.”
And I couldn’t
help but think how proud Brian would be of our son.
“I promise,
Mom. I’ll be careful. I won’t do anything to make you or Dad ashamed of me. And
I love Bee and Anthony too, so I wouldn’t disrespect them either.”
“Good answer.”
I told him, and I moved to get up.
“That’s it?”
Sam seemed surprised.
“Did you want
me to lecture you more?” I prodded.
He held up his
hands in surrender and shook his head.
I laughed at
him. “That’s it. Be free!”
The next few days were hectic. I had
been busy making sure we had everything we needed for our cruise.
Jessie got a
very cute and age-appropriate pink swimsuit, courtesy of Amy. She insisted that
I put it in my room as she was still certain her sister hid her other suit.
And Carey’s
first date with Lessa apparently went “Great!” That was all he said, but he
genuinely looked happy. Apparently, talking on the phone wasn’t something teens
did these days, but his cell phone was blowing up with the texts.
“You guys have everything, right?” I
asked the three older boys the night before we were supposed to leave.
“Yes,” they all
answered, and three sets of eyes rolled.
“Stop it before
I smack you all.” I was frazzled. Brian had always been there to help me out.
“You guys have your suits? Dress shoes? Sneakers?”
“Mom, we do!”
Even Jimmy was getting annoyed.
“Bathing suits?
Enough underwear? I’m not doing laundry on the ship.”
“Mom, it’s
cool.” Carey said.
I felt like a
drill sergeant. “You guys get your deodorant, toothbrushes, that kind of crap.”
Sam stepped
forward and stopped my pacing. “Mom! We’re good. You just worry about you and
the girls. We got this.”
I blew out a
breath. “We’re done. I got all the paperwork, passports. It’s all in my purse.
We’ll just have the backpack with the girls’ suits, so one of you guys can get
that. I’ll take care of the girls, and I think we’re good to go.”
“Mom, we’re
going to have a great time!” The boys reassured me.
“
That
was awesome!” Carey and
Jimmy were psyched.
“Sam, there’s
the girls’ suitcase. Grab it!” Sam yanked it off the belt.
The cruise
really had been great.
The first two days, the kids did their
thing. The girls were in Kids Camp, and Jimmy and Ant found some friends. Carey
and Sam spent plenty of time by the pool with Karie, Anthony, and Ben. Amy,
Bee, and I did a spa day, and then strutted our stuff on the pool deck. Sam and
Karie whistled, but I think Carey was embarrassed about seeing his mom in a
bikini.
On our third
day, the ship pulled into St. Maarten. We had loved the port on our last
cruise. I even joked with Brian about buying a small condo there. And it was
the perfect place to perform our ceremony for Brian.
I had found a
little wooden box, and we had all put something inside of it. I put the picture
of the seven of us from our last cruise in it, as well as a a turquoise ring
Brian had bought me for our 15th anniversary. Sam put a copy of his acceptance
letter from Duke in the box, and Carey put Brian’s old baseball glove in there.
Jimmy gently placed Brian’s favorite fishing lure in the box. The girls had
been torn on what to put in, but they finally found a picture of the three of
them. In first grade, there was a Daddy-Daughter dance, and Brian took both
girls. He had bought them corsages, and I had taken them to have their hair
done. The girls had a great time with their Dad.
I’m sure we
weren’t supposed to do it, and perhaps someone would find the box one day and
wonder what it all meant, but that wasn’t what I was thinking about right then
and there. Brian had found a place to hike the last time we were in St.
Maarten—some secluded place the guys could take pictures of the island. This
time we were going to cover the same route. The 12 of us put on our sneakers
and sunblock and set out. An hour later, we were on a hill overlooking the
water.
“God, this is
beautiful!” Amy said. “I can’t believe we didn’t come the first time.”
“That’s because
you don’t like to sweat, honey,” Ben teased her.
“You guys have
more room in the box?” Ant asked. He was a handsome young man. He looked so
much like his father, but he had Bee’s startling green eyes.
“It’s getting
tight, but we could probably squeeze in a few things,” I told him as Sam
carefully took it out of the backpack.
The box was a
bit larger than a shoebox, and the girls had decorated it. “Daddy” was spelled
out in purple paint on the lid. Ant took off his baseball cap.
“Your dad was a
great coach. I don’t think I would’ve kept playing baseball if it wasn’t for
him.” He put it in the box, and then put his arm around Jimmy’s shoulders.
“Okay, mine’s
weird,” Karie said pulling a
Superman
Band-Aid out of her shorts.
“What is that?”
Sam laughed.
“When I was
about 11, I fell rollerblading right in front of your house. Your dad was
outside mowing the lawn and saw me. He helped me up to the porch and cleaned up
my knee. I just thought it was funny. He kept apologizing saying all he had was
Batman
Band-Aids.”
We all laughed
at the image.
“I couldn’t
find
Batman
, but I think your Dad will remember.” She placed it in the
box, and then went back and took Sam’s hand.
“I miss him.”
Anthony said, and he placed the cap of a Red Stripe beer bottle in the box. The
guys had downed at least a six-pack each on the last cruise when we hit
Jamaica.
Bee was crying
openly as she placed a CD in the box. “No one would do the Electric Slide with
me on the last cruise!”
That is, except
for Brian.
“Dad sucked at
it,” Jimmy said, getting choked up.
“Yeah, he did,”
Ben agreed.
Ben and Amy
placed a picture of the greenhouse Brian had built for them a few years ago.
Amy couldn’t have children, and she always joked that her flowers were her
babies. Brian and Ben decided to give her a beautiful place to work on them.
Ben came over
and hugged me tightly. “He was our best friend.”
I found the
setting more moving than the funeral, which had also been a lovely service. But
this? This was our family. Our boys, our little girls, and our friends. This
was who we were, who Brian had been. We stood there for a little while. It was
quiet, and there was no one else around.
“Thank you,” I
told everyone. “Thank you all for being there for us—for picking up the pieces
when I was just falling apart. Amy likes to tell me that I would’ve made it
without all of you, but I’m glad I didn’t have to. I’m glad he knew you. I’m
glad you knew him.”
I was crying
then—actually everyone was. Bee and Amy were openly sobbing, and their husbands
had tears in their eyes. The girls were sitting by the rock we had placed the
box on and had their arms around each other. Jimmy was sitting on the ground,
and Ant sat next to him, his arms around his friends shoulder and their backs
to us. Carey was standing next to me.
And Sam and
Karie were together.
“I really wish
Brian had been here to see the two of you,” I said to them.
“I think he
is,” Karie said.
Everyone
nodded, and suddenly, it felt like it was time to go. We all readied ourselves
and made the return hike.