“Eighty-four dollars!” I exclaimed in
mock anger as I handed the bag to Jimmy. “I could have bought you four pairs
for that at Old Navy.”
“Oh, if that’s
too much, Mom, it’s cool. Just return them…” Jimmy looked stressed out.
I laughed.
“Honey, I’m teasing. It’s fine. They look great on you.”
“Yeahhh...”
Maggie sing-songed, “Maybe now Claudia will pay attention to you.”
“Oohh… you want
her to look at your butt!” Jessie thought her addition was hilarious.
I looked at
Jimmy, who was a bright shade of red. “Jimmy Klevan! Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No, but he
likes a girl named Claudia. We heard him talking about her with Ant.” Maggie
interjected before Jimmy could respond.
Ant, short for
Anthony, had been Jimmy’s best friend since kindergarten. The two boys shared
everything, and Ant had really stepped up when Brian died. When so many of the
kids’ friends had nothing to say, Ant had been there for Jimmy, Carey, the
girls, and even for me. He and his parents were true friends.
“Really?” I
turned my attention to the girls, who apparently had the scoop. “And who is
this Claudia?”
“She’s a girl
in Jimmy’s grade at school. She came to Daddy’s funeral,” Maggie informed me.
I searched my
memory. Brian had been well-liked in our community, and his funeral was well
attended, but someone stood out.
“The girl with
the long red hair?” I asked Jimmy, who again blushed. “Oh, Jimmy. She’s
pretty!”
And she was. At the funeral, a tiny girl
with long red hair and luminous green eyes had approached me as I stood with
Amy. Ant’s parents—Anthony, Sr., and Bee—were also with us. I remember because
Maggie was distraught, and I was struggling to hold her. Anthony, Sr., had just
offered to take her when I felt a small hand touch my shoulder.
“Mrs. Klevan?”
I turned around
to see a young lady with her eyes full of tears.
“Yes?”
Curiosity must have filled my voice. I had never seen the girl before.
“My name is
Claudia. I’m a friend of Jimmy’s...” She paused for a moment. “I just wanted to
tell you that I was sorry for your loss. Your husband came on our class field
trip last year, and he was really cool.”
I remembered
that! I was going to chaperone the field trip to Busch Gardens, a local
amusement park, but I had gotten sick, and Brian had gamely filled in.
I gave her a
hug and thanked her.
“He was pretty
cool, wasn’t he?” I smiled through my own tears.
“Yes, ma’am.
Some of the kids didn’t have enough money for lunch, and I remember he just
said, ’Lunch on me!’ He paid for the whole class! Even the teachers. He rode on
all the rides with us and danced during the shows. He was so much fun.”
She stopped,
and I just let the tears trail down my face.
“Oh… Mrs. Klevan.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I wasn’t trying to upset you.”
“No!” I said to
her, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I needed that.”
And I did. For
just a moment I pictured Brian riding the roller coasters with Jimmy and his
friends. I pictured him buying lunch for 50 kids, instead of just the few that
didn’t have money. And I smiled. The image of my vital husband broken and
battered in the morgue was gone, and for a moment all I saw was his smile.
She hugged me
one more time and told me again how sorry she was for our loss, and then she
walked away.
“Jimmy! She’s pretty!” I teased him.
“Mom, really?
Please don’t encourage them!”
I could see the
girls were gearing up for another round of teasing, and I held up my hand.
“Girls, okay.
Jimmy’s right. If Jimmy wants to wear fancy jeans so some girl checks out his
butt, that’s okay, right?”
The girls and I
burst out laughing, and Jimmy tried in vain to hold it in, if only to give us
dirty looks. But that didn’t last long, and before I knew it, Jimmy was laughing
along with us.
“Jimmy?” I
heard a tentative voice behind us. “Jimmy! Hi!”
Speak of the
devil. I turned around, and guess who it was?
“Hey, Claudia.”
To his credit, Jimmy sounded cool. “You remember my mom? And these are my
younger sisters, Jessie and Maggie.”
“Hi, Mrs.
Klevan. It’s nice to see you again.”
Boy, this girl
was polite.
“Hi, Claudia.
Nice to see you again as well.”
She turned to
Jessie and Maggie. “Hey, you guys like Forever 21 too? I just got the coolest
shirt there!”
And that was
it. The girls fell in love. I could see how excited they were to be accepted by
this beautiful teenager, and just like that, Claudia captured my heart as well.
If Jimmy didn’t want to date her, maybe Carey would!
“Umm... Jimmy,
what are you doing later?” Claudia asked shyly.
“I don’t know.”
He turned to me. “Mom, what are we doing later?”
“Well”—I looked
at my watch—“it’s almost 5. We could get something to eat. Or maybe see a
movie, if there’s anything playing.”
“Sounds good,”
Jimmy answered and looked at me, raising an eyebrow. And just like that I knew
what he wanted. I nodded my head.
“Claudia, want
to come with us?” Jimmy asked. Boy, he was smooth. His older brothers were
teaching him well.
“Umm... I’m
here with my mom and dad. I have to ask them.” She gestured to a couple coming
out of Old Navy, and waved them over.
“Claudia,
introduce us to your friends?” Claudia’s mother said as she gave me a perfect
smile.
“Mom, Dad, this
is Jimmy, his sisters, Maggie and Jessie, and his mom.” Claudia, who looked
just like her mother, gestured to each of us in turn.
I stuck my hand
out. “Please call me Julie. It’s nice to meet you both.”
Her mother
warmly grasped my hand, and for just a second I saw the sympathy in her eyes.
Please don’t
say it. Please don’t say it!
“Julie, it’s
nice to meet you. I’m Becca, and this is my husband, Sal.”
Claudia’s mom
was okay in my book.
I turned to
Claudia’s father and smiled at him. He shook my hand and smiled back at me.
Then he turned to Jimmy.
“I’ve heard a
lot about you, young man.” His tone was warm, and Jimmy returned his gaze.
“Yes, sir. It’s
nice to meet you.”
I was enjoying
this. Seeing Jimmy talk to Claudia’s parents. Watching him interact with
Claudia. It was a sign that Brian and I did something right. Well, maybe a bit
of Sam and Carey thrown in for good measure.
“Mom, it’s okay
if Claudia comes with us, right?” Jimmy asked.
“Sure, if it’s
okay with her parents.” I turned to Claudia’s parents. “We’ll probably just get
something to eat. We were thinking about a movie, but I don’t even know what’s
playing today.”
Becca nodded
with a smile and began, “It’s fi—”
“Mom, can we
see
The Croods
?” Maggie piped up, “Please! Heather said it was so
funny!”
“Oh, Mags. I
don’t know if Jimmy wants to see that,” I told her.
“No, sounds
good to me. I heard it was pretty funny as well,” Jimmy replied and was
rewarded with beaming smiles from his little sisters, “Claudia? What do you
think?”
“Works for me.
Sounds like fun!” She seemed game for anything.
“Well, I guess
it’s dinner and
The Croods
,” I relayed to Becca.
Jimmy had his
phone out and was already checking the time, “Next one starts at 8. Since it’s
only 5, we have plenty of time to eat.”
“Mom? I’ll text
you when the movie starts,” Claudia petitioned her mom.
“And I can
drive her home after the movie since it may be a bit late. Of course, if that’s
okay with you both,” I added.
“Sure! Works
for me,” Becca noted as her husband nodded in agreement. “Sounds like they’ll
all have a wonderful time. Are you sure it’s okay?”
“Absolutely,” I
assured her and got out a pen and found a piece of scrap paper. I scribbled my
cell phone number on it and handed it to Becca. “Here is my cell number, if you
need anything.”
She looked at
me, and again for just a second I saw the pity. But only for a second, and I
appreciated how quickly this woman seemed to grasp my desire for normalcy. I
didn’t need to constantly be reminded that I was a widow. She thanked me for
allowing Claudia to tag along, and I saw her hand some money to Claudia.
And then it was
the five of us heading out in search of some food.
“Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!” The twins chanted
when I asked what everyone wanted.
“T.G.I.
Friday’s?” Jimmy asked me.
I shrugged.
“Cool.” Jimmy
led the way while Claudia and the twins followed tittering and giggling. I
brought up the rear and simply enjoyed the moment.
“Oh crap!” I
remembered what I wanted to get at the mall in the first place.
Jimmy got off
the escalator and turned to me, “You okay, Mom?”
“Yeah, I just
wanted to get something for Monday. Remember?”
He nodded and
was about to say something, but I cut him off.
“You guys just
go ahead. I’m going to run to the store real quick, and I’ll meet you there.”
“Mom, it’s
cool. We can come.” Jimmy was trying to reassure me.
I waved him
off. “Nope, I think I saw something in Ann Taylor that is exactly what I had in
mind. I’ll be quick. Go ahead and order an appetizer and your drinks, something
like that. I’ll be right there.”
I was already
heading to the escalators when the kids waved and headed into the restaurant.
It didn’t look crowded, so hopefully they could get a seat relatively quickly.
I spied the store ahead of me, and I quickened my pace.
And then I saw
him. Up ahead, for just a second, I saw a man. His hair was longer, and he was
thinner, but—
Brian?
My hand went to my throat, and I
stopped. I stopped so abruptly that someone bumped into me.
“Oh. I’m
sorry.” I turned as a young man looked at me and kept walking.
I looked ahead
again, but the man was gone. Right after Brian was killed, I saw him
everywhere. Every man that was about his height, that had a shirt like his, or
hair the same color. I saw Brian at every turn. I would wake up at night and
still feel him close to me, and my heart would break. For months I slept on the
same set of sheets, refusing to wash them. I left the laundry in our hamper and
would find myself holding his favorite work shirt, and for just a moment I
could feel him in it. But I had started to move forward these past few weeks. I
thought I was making some progress.
No! NO!
I wasn’t going to fall back down the
hole. Brian had blond hair and blue eyes as do lots of men. It’s bound to
happen. I shook it off, looked around, and walked into Ann Taylor.
Twenty minutes
later, I was the proud owner of a smartly cut, black suit and a gorgeous
turquoise blouse. My favorite color. Even if I didn’t get a job, I would look
good trying. I slung the suit over my arm and carried the bag containing my
blouse with the other hand. I decided to run out to the car and put everything
away before joining the kids. I hurried to the mall exit, which was just a few
doors down and opened the door into the unusually, warm February air. The
change in temperature took my breath away for a moment as I struggled with my
bags.
“Here, let me
grab that for you.” A deep voice came out of nowhere.
It was him! The
man I saw. The man I thought was Brian. I stopped and stared and saw the
differences. This man was shorter than my husband, and thinner. His hair was
darker, and he was younger.
“Ma’am, are you
okay?” He asked me with concern.
I nodded my
head and smiled. “I’m sorry. You just... You reminded me of someone I knew
once. Thank you.”
I took my bag
from him and walked to my car. I used to know Brian. I really
knew
him.
Do I still
know him? Do memories count? Dreams? Wishes?
I knew him.
“What’s taking Mommy so long?” Jessie
asked, her voice close to whining.
“I’m here. Here
I am. Mommy’s here!” I slid into the booth, just as Jimmy was starting to
answer her. “Sorry, guys. I found exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t want to
be stuck carrying it around, so I ran it out to the car.”
“It’s cool. We
ordered drinks, Mom. I got you a sweet tea. Is that okay?” Jimmy asked.
“That works!”
“And we got
some nachos too.”
“Oh, cool.
Sounds good.” I was suddenly starving.
“So what did
you get Mrs. Klevan?” Claudia asked me.
“I found a
really nice black suit and a gorgeous blouse. My favorite color too.”
“Blue-green!
Mommy’s favorite color is blue-green.” Maggie chirped.
“Yep, that’s
what Daddy always said. Blue-green just like her eyes,” Jessie recalled.
I smiled, and
enjoyed the feeling. Hearing the kids talk about Brian was getting easier. I
didn’t want them to forget the good times. And I feared they would. Especially
if I cried every time they mentioned him. For a while, I couldn’t stop the
tears from coming. But this day? This day felt different.
I missed him. I
missed him with all that I was. But the hole, that hole in the pit of my
stomach seemed a little less empty on this day. And it felt good.
“Daddy did say
that, didn’t he?” I asked the girls, squeezing their hands over the top of the
table.
“He did! And
for Mother’s Day, he always looked for that jewelry he said you were pretty in.
What was it again, Jimmy?” Maggie was puzzled.
“Turquoise, Mag
Pie. Dad always bought Mom a piece of turquoise and silver jewelry for Mother’s
Day.”
It was a
bittersweet moment.
“Daddy got us
some earrings like that, right, Mom?” Jessie asked.
“He did. For
your birthday last year. Aren’t you wearing them today?” I leaned over and
moved Jessie’s hair out of the way to peer at her ears.
“I am! Look,
Claudia. Aren’t they pretty?” Maggie leaned over and showed Claudia the tiny
silver wolves with turquoise around their necks.
Brian had been
thrilled when he found them, saying they would be perfect for the girls, who
had just gotten their ears pierced. I remembered how excited he was. He didn’t
even wait for their birthday party. Instead, he gave them to them that morning,
telling them they would be as pretty as me, and that the color was beautiful on
them. The girls loved those earrings. They wore them almost every day.
“Maggie. Those
earrings are beautiful!” Claudia was genuinely interested. “I like them a lot.
And they look so pretty. Here, you should do this to your hair so everyone can
see them.”
Claudia pushed
Maggie’s hair behind her ears, and sure enough, the tiny earrings sparkled.
Maggie preened, and Jessie quickly did the same to her hair. My girls.
“Hey, I have an
idea. Daddy bought you those earrings here. Let’s finish up dinner and go pick
out some new earrings.” I offered.
“For me?”
Jessie asked.
“Me too?”
Maggie joined in.
“Sure! I think
I would like a new pair as well. Claudia, how about you?”
“Mrs. Klevan,
you don’t have to do that!” But I could see the excitement in her eyes.
“I know, but it
will be fun. Jimmy’s father bought me a piece of turquoise jewelry for Mother’s
Day for almost 18 years, and I love each and every piece. I don’t want the
tradition to stop. So why not? I’ll continue it!”
After that,
dinner was lively. The kids talked about school. They told horrible jokes, and
we laughed. After I paid the check we got up and made our way to the tiny
jewelry store that only sold silver. Everything Silver. Horrible name, great
stuff.
“Mommy, I like
these!” Maggie excitedly pointed to some tiny butterflies with turquoise wings.
“Oh. Those
are
pretty! They would look good on you, Mag. I like these.” Jessie pointed to
flowers with blue petals.
And then I saw
them. Silver hoops, with turquoise inlay. Gorgeous.
“Claudia, find
anything?” I asked.
She shyly
pointed to some tiny roses, similar to the pair Jessie coveted.
“Those would
look beautiful on you,” Jimmy pointed out, and he was right. The turquoise
would be lovely with her pale skin and thick red hair.
“Looks like we
all found our earrings,” I declared.
The sales
associate helped us with our purchases, and the three girls all decided to wear
theirs right away. I put mine away and decided they would bring me luck in my
search for a job. These earrings represented acceptance to me. I would cherish
everything we had, all that Brian gave us, but I was also coming to realize
that I had a choice to make. I could see him around every corner and hear his
voice at night. Or I could hold on to the good times and remember that he would
want us all to make new memories and figure out our way without him. He would
hate it if his death broke me, so I was making a choice not to let it. In a
way, I felt it was the only choice I could make. If I continued to wallow in my
own pity, the kids would do the same. They would start to think that the good
times brought too much pain, and that is all they would come to associate with
their Dad. How could I do that to them?
“Mommy?” Jessie
was tugging on my arm.
“Oh, sorry.
What’s up?”
“Can we go play
putt-putt? Instead of the movie?” Jessie asked, but the four kids all looked at
me expectantly. “Please? And ride the bumper boats?”
“You mean
Funland?” Ugh. Funland on a Saturday night?
“Please, Mommy?
We haven’t been in a long time!” Jessie urged. She was right. I didn’t even
remember the last time we went to Funland. Though that was more Brian’s thing
than mine. Way too much going on there. The noise. The lights. It always drove
me crazy. But...
“Okay. Sure.
Why not?” I was game. How bad could it be?