Lost and Found (23 page)

I'm absolutely amazed. No one has ever taken care of me
when I got sick since Derek and I got married. Derek would
always remind me that he wasn't my mother and if I wanted
help, I should call my own mother. I've never known of a
man, other than my dad, to help when the kids or the spouse
was sick.

"I'm sorry. I guess I've kind of been a pain, huh? I didn't
say anything crazy in my delirium, did I?"
I know I was having some crazy dreams about Derek and
the kids and I really hope I wasn't saying anything out loud.

"Let's get you laid back down and don't worry about it. You
were mumbling a little bit in your sleep, but I couldn't
understand anything you were saying. Do you want to
change your clothes before you go back to sleep? Put on
something more comfortable?" I realize I'm fully dressed in
my jeans and sweatshirt from earlier.

"Actually, I do. Let me grab some clothes and I'll change in
the bathroom." I crawl out of bed and stand up, to see if I
can stand without passing out and other than being a little
light headed, I can manage.

"Oh, you can change in here if you want. It won't bother me
at all." I can tell by his tone that he's just kidding, so I
pretend that I didn't hear him and he chuckles.

After I have changed clothes, I crawl back under my covers and get situated with my pillows. Cash pushes the chair up
next to the side of my bed and I'm wondering what he's doing, until I look over and see a big bowl of water with
wash rags in it. He squeezes the water out of one and folds
it into a rectangle and leans over to put it on my forehead,
which has me giggling.

"Cash? What are you doing?" He embarrassingly looks at
me and shrugs his shoulders.

"What the Emergency Room told me to do when I called
asking them what I should do to get your fever down. It
was either this, or a cool tepid bath. Would you have
preferred I had given you a bath instead?" This had his eyes
smoldering and me turning redder than what my fever was
doing to my face.

"Um, no. You really went all out in taking care of me, huh? I don't know what else to say, but thank you. Thank
you very much."

"Shhhh. Just go back to sleep, Liv. The fastest way to get
through this is lots and lots of rest. Close your eyes and let
someone take care of you for once."

As I closed my eyes, he was smiling at me and his beautiful
eyes were the last thing I saw, as he continued to pat me
down with the cool cloths. I will admit, they did feel good
and helped ease my skin that seemed to be on fire from the
fever.

********************

I'm in the van looking out into the sky and what I can see of
the river down below. I hear Jenna screaming in the background for all of us. I look over and Derek is looking
at me.

"How come you won't answer her, Olivia? Do you not want
to help us anymore?"

What? How can he say this to me? I'm trying to wake up,
because I know this is a dream. I've never dreamed
anything that didn't happen in the accident before. This was
a new dream.

"Derek! That's not true! How can you say that to me? I tried to save you all. I love you all. I'd do anything to
have you all back in my life. I love and miss you all like
crazy, Derek!

"No you don't, and you know it. You love that family you
take care of now. You've replaced all of us. Just get out and
save us your wasted tears and lies."

I'm pulled out by the paramedics and see my whole world
fall away all over again, as I scream.
Derek! Jordan! Jeremiah! Jenna! I'm so sorry! It was
an accident! I'm sorry! I didn't want to get out! It's all
my fault! I'm so sorry!
I can't breathe and I can't stand it anymore.

Wake up, Liv! I keep telling myself to wake up. I can't do
this anymore. He's wrong. I'd do anything to go back to
that day and not be driving. Wake up, Liv.
Wake up, Liv.

"Wake up, Liv! It's just a dream. Wake up."

I open my eyes and Cash is holding me in his arms, rubbing
my arms, trying to get me to wake up.
"It's okay. I've got you. Are you okay? You were screaming
and crying so hard, Liv.
It was just a dream."

It takes me awhile to compose myself. I look over at the
clock next to the lamp and it's now six in the morning, and
he is still in my room taking care of me and holding me. He
reaches over and grabs a tissue and hands it to me. I take it
from him and blow my nose and toss it in the trash, trying to
figure out something to say to change the obvious mood
that's in the room.

"Liv, are you okay? I didn't know what to do, but try to
shake you awake. It sounded like you were having a
nightmare." That's putting it nicely. It was worse than my normal nightmare of reliving the accident. It felt so real, I
can still feel Derek's anger towards me.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry if I woke you. I guess it's the fever that has my mind wandering." Please don't ask me a bunch of questions, is what I want to say.

"You were screaming for Derek and Jordan. I guess your
other kids as well?"

"Yes. I'm sorry you had to witness that. I haven't had a dream that bad for a couple of weeks now. I was hoping
they had gone away."

That had me crying all over again and I just lost it again,
while he held me tighter, soothing me with his words of it'll
be alright and rubbing his hand up and down my back.

"I'm so sorry, Liv, but you were hysterical. What wasn't your
fault? You don't have to tell me, but you just sounded so
guilty. Whatever it is, I can't imagine you harming
anyone."

"But I am guilty." I do not want to have this conversation.
Not with Cash. I crawl out of bed and out of his arms and
ran to the bathroom, as he was yelling at me.

"Why do you keep running from me? Talk to me, Liv!
Please!"

He's pounding on the door, as I'm bawling my eyes out and
all I keep picturing is Derek's face telling me that I didn't
love them anymore.

Was it really Derek, or was it just my subconscious making
me dream about him, because I seem happy and in the back
of my mind I don't think I deserve to be happy? The way he
was talking to me in that accusing tone, makes me realize
that it was nothing more than a nightmare, but it still hurt
just hearing the venom in Derek's voice.

I open the door and Cash is still leaning next to the door,
looking about as lost as I feel. We both look at each other
and he surprises me, as he picks me up into his arms and sits
down in the wingback chair with me in his lap. He starts rubbing my back, while holding one of my hands with his
other hand.

With just that one gesture of not brow beating me into
talking and picking me up the way he did, had my heart
jumping, which made me end up telling him about the
accident.

"The reason I blame myself is because I was driving." He
immediately looks up at me, shaking his head. "No, let me
finish, please. I have to, so you'll understand." He nods for
me to continue.

"After we hit the bridge, I was the only one that the
paramedics could get out, because all of the doors were too
smashed in to open and Derek and the boys were critical. Jenna was in the furthest back and she was coherent and
talking to me. I think she had a broken leg, because she kept
saying her leg hurt, but she was talking to me." I look at
him to get his reaction and he just nods for me to continue,
letting me know that he's listening and continued rubbing
my back.

"They kept insisting on getting me out first and I kept
telling them no and to get all of them out first, because I
knew they needed their help more than I did. My head was
banged up a little and my stomach from where the seat belt
pulled to tight, but I was fine. As soon as they pulled me out
and got me onto the gurney, the van went over and into the
river! All I could do for them was scream."
And here come the tears again. Cash immediately pulled
me closer into his arms and was whispering into my ear, which had me crying even harder.

"Oh, Liv. It wasn't your fault. You were just doing what
they told you to do. Why are you blaming yourself for
something you had no control of?"

"Because I knew that I was the reason the van was staying
where it was! Every time I moved, it would move further
over the edge. That's why I told them to get everyone else
out instead. As it was falling, I heard someone say
something about it not being secured yet."

“That was on them, Liv! Not you!"

"You just don't understand! They were my world. My
life. I had been with Derek since I was 14 years old. 14!
He was the only man I ever loved and I gave birth to all 3
of my babies. Fed them! Clothed them! Took care of
them when they were sick! I did everything for ALL of
them!" I'm shaking now. but I can't stop and he holds me
tighter. trying to calm me.

"I begged the paramedics to get them out and they made me
break a promise to my baby girl. The only promise I ever
broke.
by telling her we would all be alright. All I keep
picturing is her little face waking up, as that van careened
over the edge of that bridge into the water, knowing that I
LIED TO HER WHEN IT WENT INTO THE WATER!"
Cash holds me, while I'm uncontrollably shaking through my tears that won't stop. I am so ashamed of myself for
losing it in front of him. Maybe now he'll understand why
I've always felt so guilty.

“Liv,
I can't imagine the hell that you've gone through
and I'll admit I can't imagine a worse horror happening to
anyone, but baby, you can't think like that. You have to believe that she didn't wake up and she slept through the
whole thing. That is the kind of thing that will eat you alive
and you're too strong for that, Liv. As far as breaking that
promise. Did you or did you not think that everything was
going to be fine, when you got out of the vehicle? That's not
on you, Liv. That's on the paramedics. Can't you see that?"
I nodded, realizing that I had never thought about it like
that. I trusted them to do their job and by some fluke,
something just didn't go right that day.

"Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer it if
you don't want to." I looked into his eyes and he gave me
a reassuring look, so I nodded my head.
"How often do you have these nightmares?" He has the
tenderest look on his face, so I tell him the truth.

"I used to have them so often after it happened that I would
stay up for days at a time to avoid falling asleep. Claud
eventually started giving me sleeping pills and then they
cut down to about once a week, but this one was different."
I kept picturing Derek's face and how disgusted he looked
at me.

"How was it different?" He's back to rubbing my back and
drawing light circles under my palm, and I've noticed it has a calming effect on me.

"Derek...we were all in the van again and he told me... he
told me to just get out and go back to the family that
replaced them and that he was tired of my wasted tears and
wasted lies and that I.... I didn't love them anymore."

"Liv, you know that's not true and that it WAS just a
dream. We can't control our dreams, they just happen and
your fever probably has a lot to do with it. Let's get you
back into bed, okay? You've had a pretty rough night
already, without the dream."

I nod my head and grab a tissue to wipe my face and blow
my nose again, as he put me back in bed. He sits back down
in the wingback chair and I want to ask him to do
something for me so bad, but I just can't bring myself to ask
him. He must have noticed me having trouble spitting it out,
because he asked if I needed anything. So I just nodded my
head.

"I was just wondering if you, well, if you minded lying
in bed with me and holding me for a little while, until I fall asleep. You don't have to, it’s just I think I would..." I didn't
even have to finish.

"Sure, scooch over."

And just like that, I was facing the wall of my room with
Cash behind me, with one arm under my head and his other arm draped over my side. He pulled me closer towards him
and I started drifting off to sleep, feeling safe nestled in his
arms. I felt safer than I had felt in such a long time. It was then that he whispered into my ear.

"Goodnight, Liv. No more bad dreams for you, sweetheart.
No more bad dreams." Then he leaned down and kissed me
on the temple and I fell asleep.

CHAPTER TWELVE

I woke up to Cash running his fingers through my hair. I
look up because we are both facing each other. Even
though his arm was under my neck, I must have turned
around sometime in the middle of sleep. He reaches down
and gives me a light kiss on my forehead.

"Good morning, beautiful. How are you feeling this
morning?"

I had completely forgotten about my stomach, because I
was so mesmerized at how natural it felt to not only wake
up in his arms, but also the good morning kiss that he just gave me. I noticed that I was no longer nauseous, but had
more of a hollow ‘I'm kind of hungry, but maybe I shouldn't
chance it’ feeling in my stomach.

"I feel quite a bit better, thank you. I probably shouldn't
enter myself into an eating contest, but I think I could
maybe hold something down."

I feel like things have shifted some for both of us in a better
way. I'm no longer looking at him as just my boss. More
like we have finally formed a friendship. Yes, I feel more for him than I would say, Carmen or Lucas, because they
don't give me the same fuzzy warm feeling I'm getting right
now in the pit of my stomach.

The way he's looking at me right now makes me feel
naked. I hesitantly pull the covers up and look to make sure my clothes are still on and breathe a sigh of relief. He must
have read my mind, because he smiled that gorgeous smile
of his.

"You're killing me, Liv! Where's the trust in this
relationship? Hahaha... No I did not take advantage of you.
You really know how to wound a man’s pride, ya know
that?"

He's laughing and still grinning at me, so I know that he's
just joking with me, so I just smile back at him.

"I can't help it. Other than Derek, and my father, you're the
only man I've ever spent one on one time with and seeing as how we've had a couple of intimate moments, well,
it's a big adjustment."

"I'm figuring that out about you, which is why you seem to
be such an enigma to me." He lowers himself closer to me
with his arms still around me. "So, why don't you go
take a shower and brush your teeth. And...."
Oh god! I've thrown up how many times, and I can only
imagine my breath must smell like the pit of the
underworld. I cover my mouth with my hand and start
pushing the covers off of me and he starts laughing. Full
on belly laughs.

"Yeah. Brush your teeth and get dressed and I'll go cook
us up some breakfast. Nothing too heavy for your
stomach."

He gets up off of the bed and as he's walking out laughing
his head off, he's also dodging all of the pillows I'm
throwing at him. The brat.

I crawl into the shower and I think it's the best shower I've
ever had. I stand there an extra 10 minutes letting the scalding hot water wash all over my face and body of
yesterday's sickness and nightmares that I had.

Cash was like a knight in shining armor catching me,
literally. When I fell from my stomach doing cartwheels, he
was there. He was there to pull me out of my nightmare
that I had and he was still there afterwards, when I told him
everything about the accident.

I would have thought with that much chaos in a span of a
few hours would have had any normal man running back to
their own room from all of the craziness, but nope. He
stayed there, ready to help me with the cold wraps for my
fever, a waste basket for me if my stomach had to release,
and even perfect timing with the Kleenex.