Lost Angel (The List #1) (14 page)

Wednesday 25
^th
March 2015

A
ll day Saturday I kept replaying my time with
Jaxson; the confidence I felt when I went toe to toe with him, how attractive
he made me feel shortly followed by the realisation that I am ‘unpublished’ by
comparison. There’s no point talking the talk if I can’t walk the walk, which I
can’t... at least not with somebody like him.

I avoided 24/7 over the weekend. I had stomach
cramps on Saturday but went for a road run and did some floor work at home on
Sunday. Then on the evenings I’d got up to date with “Orange is the new black”
and started “Mad Men” from season one, another great method of escapism.

When Wills asked what happened with me and
Jaxson I couldn’t go into detail, I felt like a fraud. What was I going to say;
I can’t stop obsessing about some guy I had a
conversation
with? I kept
it brief just saying that I found him intimidating so I freaked out and told
him I’m a lesbian. She helped me realise I was slipping back into being an
overthinking analysing fool, so on Monday morning I decided to
woman up
and get back on the ‘Fuck It’ ride. I went to the gym for a workout and a
boxing class.

By Tuesday I’d stopped bleeding so had a 6am workout
at 24/7. I spent the rest of the day at Next Chapter, which was great to catch
up with our customers. I collected a few new books; a magical realism book for
Wills, some health and wellness books for me including one specifically about
how to live in the moment, which I’d pre-ordered for collection using the
website. Finally, a healthy recipes cookbook for the house. We both eat really
well and mostly share responsibility, preferring to cook together and eat
together when we can. This is something I missed with Mike. Our working
schedules always seemed to overlap and it was only really breakfast we’d manage
to eat together. In the evening I went back to 24/7 to hit their street dance
class, which was brilliant. Such a great vibe, combined with decent music and
positive energy. I met some lovely people and exerted excess calories and
tension.

This morning I did a spin class, successfully exorcising
those spin class demons because as far as I was concerned in that moment,
nothing else existed just me, the bike and that amazing scenery.

I caught a few glimpses of Jaxson occasionally
but avoided eye contact. That didn’t stop me from eyeing him up whenever I
could get away with it. His wide shoulders and toned waist create the perfect
shaped ‘V’ from behind. I observed the way people behave around him. With zero
effort he simply demands the room. People metaphorically mentally stand when he
enters the vicinity. So masterful and intriguing. Nobody instigates a
conversation for too long. It’s just straight to the point with him, which I
knew already. He takes his time to acknowledge as many members as he can when
he’s in the gym, even if it’s just a nod of the head or a thumbs up from a
distance. This leads me to believe that he’s probably fully aware of where I am
and is purposely avoiding me just as much as I am him.

I’ve been joining Wills in daily yoga and
meditation, which helped me to overcome the bad vibes I felt after Friday night.

Wills hasn’t got a shift tonight so we’re going
out to some bars in the city centre where it’s livelier midweek than anywhere
else. I remember Wills saying before that the best way to get over somebody was
to get under somebody else. Not that I have to get over Jax, because I’ve not been
under him, but something tells me I need to try and shake this guy out of my
head before it gets too much.

We have both gone for dresses tonight. Mine is
a high rounded halter neck in raspberry velvet, which clings to my curves, exposes
most of my back and drops just above my knees. I love the feel of velvet on my skin
and Wills assures me it’s
the one
. My shoes are black platforms with an
ankle strap. I wear my hair down with some chunky curls and slick it back at
either side. Wills’ dress is off the shoulder, belted mid-calf length in butterfly
fabric, coupled with funky strappy wedges and boho accessories. She looks awesome.

11:20pm

We are onto our third bar on the most
mainstream stretch of nightlife this far into the city. We’re not going all out
on the alcohol, pacing ourselves enough to feel the buzz but not too much too
quick.

We’ve been dancing loads and flirting with a few
cute guys.

Shortly after arriving here, we got chatting to
a group of nice guys who were out celebrating some sort of milestone achievement
at work. They were all clean cut, smartly dressed in suits and very quick to keep
our glasses topped up. A couple more girls joined us and we were having a
laugh. One guy in particular, Steve, stood out and we started flirting; which is
fast becoming my new pastime.

We gradually broke away more from the group so
that it was just us talking and I was pleasantly surprised. He was self-assured
but not arrogant and there wasn’t any awkwardness between us. Steve dished out
corny compliments like there was no tomorrow but I appreciated the sentiment. I
could tell by the way he kept finding reasons to touch me that he wanted to
take this further. After surmising that he was harmless enough being the pen
pusher type that I’m used to, I decided that I was ready to take the plunge.

Even though I wasn’t that sexually inspired by
him, he had a nice personality and he certainly didn’t intimidate me like
some
people. I need to stick to what I think I can handle and I’m pretty certain I
can handle an office geek. Thankfully Willow was hitting it off with one of his
mates too.

An hour later, Willow and I have a brief
conversation, resulting in deciding that the four of us would go back to Steve’s
house as he lives the closest to the bar and we didn’t fancy the idea of taking
them back to Wills.

1:25am

Steve sat in the front of the taxi and by the
time we pulled up at his house I was squashing myself up against the side door
to avoid the groping couple beside me. As Wills is getting her neck seen to, I
flash my lit up phone screen to her, showing her the Fuck It list with number 5
highlighted, Sex in a car. She just flipped the bird. When we got out the taxi she
whispered that I should grab a cucumber out the fridge on the way to the
bedroom. I looked at her confused and she wiggled her eyebrows, miming ‘
Food
sex’
, which made me giggle.

After a half-hearted attempt to play host; offering
us drinks and putting some music on, Wills cut to the chase and asked Steve to
point her in the direction of his spare bedroom. She disappeared dragging her
new friend behind her. “Good luck” I shouted after them and hear Willow reply
“Not necessary babe”. I was actually talking to him…

Steve and I make our way to his bedroom shortly
after and I feel a wave of nerves hit me when the bedroom door closes. Shit.
It’s just me and Steve, this ‘nice guy’ stranger I met a couple of hours ago… Deep
breaths. My first sex post-Mike. It’s like knocking the dust off – literally.
Orgasm
City, here I come!

The room smells musty and it reminds me of how
I’d imagine a teenage boy’s room to be. Decent furniture but basic and scruffy,
maybe he wasn’t expecting to pull tonight so hasn’t made an effort.

We’ve already kissed in the bar a few times,
although he isn’t as good as
sexy-guy-number-three
from last week. We start
kissing again but our hands are less restricted now that we’re not in public. I
take off his jacket and tie whilst kissing and undo his shirt buttons. He
doesn’t follow suit but maybe he’s not sure how my dress is fastened so doesn’t
want to fumble about.

I make quick work of his belt buckle, button
and zip. With some gentle persuasion, his trousers descend. He’s been making
sounds of appreciation but he still doesn’t take the lead. With Mike, we were
both on a level playing field, neither or us really having to take the lead
because after the first year or so there wasn’t much variation to lead. If I’m
honest I didn’t expect to have to be stepping up to the plate now but I’ve no
choice. The fact that I’m not in the slightest bit intimidated by him means
that I’m not second guessing myself though, which is just what I needed.

Pulling away from his lips, he moves to my neck
planting wet kisses up and down whilst I lift my ankles to undo my straps. I
kick off my shoes and stand on his trousers that are gathered around his ankles
so he can step out of them. Without hesitation I pull him onto the bed and lie
down on my back, wanting him to take this as his cue to take the reins—but he
doesn’t. Grrr… This is irritating me now. I’m trying to put the ball in his
court…

I can see from his boxer briefs that he is hard
and I wish I was as turned on as him. Unfortunately, the only thing wet is the
cold saliva he has left all over my neck.
Dammit
. He removes his
cufflinks and puts them on the bedside table. Then slips his open shirt off, folding
it—fucking folding it—and draping it over his chest of drawers. He lies down in
the middle of the bed next to me and lifts his bottom to remove his briefs,
kicking them to the end of the bed. At which point I notice that he still has
his black socks on. As irritating as that is, I’m not about to oblige and
remove them. What a fucking turn off.

So I look back as his cock and instantly
compare it to the only other one I’ve had inside me. They are pretty evenly
matched, a bit more than a fistful but Steve looks thicker. This is actually
about to happen. I start to get my head back on track, imagining the feeling of
Jaxson pounding into me... What the—? Wait—what?
Steve
, I mean
the
feeling of Steve
…

That’s it, it’s ruined. I’ve tainted what
could, but probably wouldn’t, end up being great sex with thoughts of Jaxson
and his awesome… strong… overpowering body. The feeling of his cheek on my
lips, his lips against my ear. Sexyass spine shivers. I’ve slid my hand over
the lush velvet material of my dress and rub over breast, back and forth.
Stop
it, stop it, stop it
.

I blush, feeling guilty and put my hand on his
chest, leaning up to kiss him. Instead Steve misconstrues my self-groping.

“Oh, you like what you see huh? Come on then. Climb
aboard Steve’s
love
train.”

I think he is joking but his face tells me
otherwise. I’m not really sure what to say to that but logistically does this
mean he’s not a fan of foreplay either?

I
climb aboard
as requested but when he
answers my question by reaching for a condom, Miss Sensible—yes, Miss Sensible—takes
pity and offers to help me out a little.

“Not yet Steve.” I take his left hand by his
wrist, lean forward and move it between my legs.

He gets the idea and laughs. “Man, you’re
really making me work for this aren’t you?” Is this guy for real? He begins to
rub his hand up and down at which point I reach down with my left hand further
between my legs. Shocking him, I take a firm hold of his cock and pull up sharply
to the tip a few times. Secretly I’m hoping this will wake up his inner sex God—please
say he has one—who’ll take control and rescue me “Oooo yeah, tug it hard baby.”
Oooooor maybe not…

Mike wasn’t a big talker in bed. The idea of
somebody telling me how they want to please me or how you’re making them feel
is a major turn on for me. Unfortunately ‘tug it hard’ doesn’t qualify for
manly dirty talk in my book. Nevermind putting the ball in his court, I want to
put his balls in his mouth to shut him the hell up.

Acknowledging that by some miracle I’m actually
wet, possibly through desperation and thoughts of Jaxson. I’m becoming desperate
to feel him inside me and hopefully ease these frustrations. Steve finally pulls
my thong to one side and slides his forefinger in and it’s a much needed relief
but nowhere near enough. I moan, trying to encourage him to give me more but he
mistakenly thinks I’m that easily satisfied and starts pushing his finger in
and out like he’s persistently ringing somebodies doorbell. I begin to wish he
was so whoever it was could answer and come and take over from him.

Regardless, he matches the rhythm of my hand on
his cock and I gyrate my hips pushing down trying to get him to at least go
deeper but again he gets it wrong. “Mmm you like that don’t you Bethany, tell
me you like it—”

“Uh-huh. Yes I like it… Go
deeper
.” I
have no reservations about lying to him if it’ll get me what I need, otherwise
I’m fighting a losing battle here. I lean back and with the hand I was using to
hold myself up I push his middle finger inside me then hold his wrist and push up
forcing him deeper. Honestly, I’d be better off finger blasting myself. I’m
just getting more and more frustrated.