Authors: Jude Ouvrard
I heard some noise on the floor beside my bed. ''Remy?'' I asked sleepily.
''I’m here. I’m going to take a nap. I'm so exhausted I can't even stand anymore.''
I looked on the floor and saw he had grabbed a pillow and a blanket to create a makeshift bed on the tile floor. ''You can sleep in the guest room,'' I suggested.
''I’m fine here, Ave.''
Seconds later, he was snoring and the tears began to silently roll down my cheeks again. Where was my husband? This must surely be a nightmare? I had spent enough time without Carter already, I needed to be with him.
~~~*~~~
L
ater in the day, I woke up with my eyes burning and my head throbbing. I heard noises downstairs. I knew it wasn’t Remy because he was still snoring. I slowly walked down the stairs and found Megan, Juliet, Patrick and William sitting at my table. As soon as Megan saw me, she ran over and held me in her arms. I crumpled to the floor, unable to hold back all the pain I felt.
She held me and whispered words that I couldn’t even understand. My body was numb and shutting down. We had become so close, she was my best friend and we always knew this was a possibility, that one of us or both of us could end up widowed. We had promised each other comfort and support.
Juliet was asleep in her father's strong arms.
''Avery, you have to eat or drink something.'' I knew she was trying to get me to sit at the table. I had to get a hold of myself even though my whole future had been taken away from me. With Carter being in the Special Forces, I always knew this was something I had to be prepared for, but it was impossible to prepare for this.
My heart was bleeding.
Megan placed a warm coffee before me and asked me to drink some of it. She offered to make me something to eat, but there was no way I was going to get some food into my stomach. I couldn’t eat. My stomach was twisted in knots. My hands hadn’t stopped shaking and my eyes were constantly filled with tears.
I was used to living by myself but I couldn’t picture myself living here alone anymore. Before today, I'd always felt like Carter was here, filling the house with his personality, even though he'd been so far away. But now, I knew he would never return and that feeling was gone. I was freaking alone in this big, empty and cold house. I was scared and panicked at the idea of being here alone.
I drank two coffees and the tears finally stopped. I couldn’t even think about planning the funeral, even though I knew we had mostly arranged everything, just in case. He was way too young to die. I was trying to convince myself that he died happy, doing what he loved but I knew deep down that he would never have wanted to die so far away from me. Not without a goodbye kiss and I shivered as I thought of him dying there in Iraq, wondering what he'd been thinking in his last few minutes of life.
Remy came down the stairs and looked as bad as I did, if not worse. I wanted to hug him, take care of him and comfort him. When I had my accident, he did everything he possibly could to make my life bearable. I wanted to take those images of Carter's death away from his mind, because I knew they were all he could see right now.
He got himself a coffee and sat next to me. He placed his hand over my arm on the table. He didn’t have to say anything. I knew. We were going through hell. The sad part for him was that he had training to attend soon. He had to get his head together and face the reality. I wasn't ready for that. I didn’t even give a shit about Christmas, or the ten pound turkey that was currently residing in my freezer. I didn’t want to celebrate without Carter.
Megan didn’t ask any questions. She literally did everything I would normally do. My laundry, Remy's laundry, the dishes. Even if I told her not too, that I would get around it later in the day, she didn’t listen. I received flowers from other families on the street. They prepared meals and invited me over for their Christmas parties.
Carter had wanted to have a traditional dinner here and I was going to do that for him. He deserved it, for all his hard work overseas and for the love he'd given me. I would never stop loving him and I would do as we'd planned. I was going to celebrate Christmas, in our house.
''Megan, are you still planning on coming here on the 25th for dinner?'' I asked. She seemed surprised by the sudden question.
''Are you sure? You just lost... I mean, is it what you truly want?''
''Yes.''
''Well then, we'll be here as planned. Do you need help with anything?''
I was on the verge of crying again, but there was no way I was going to give in to tears. ''I might need some help with the turkey. I've never cooked one before.''
''Piece of cake. I'll come by in the morning and help you get it ready for the oven.''
''Thank you.'' My bottom lip was trembling but I bit on it to make it stop. I really didn’t want to cry.
''Do you want to go grocery shopping together, or do you want to give me a list?''
''I'll take her.'' Remy offered. ''I've got a few things to do around town.'' He didn’t specify what and I didn’t dare ask.
His words, his voice. He sounded so different. He had lost his joy and usual good spirits. It was understandable, but I missed the old Remy.
''When do you want to go?'' He asked and squeezed my arm a little.
I looked at his eyes and could almost see the images haunting him, I pulled my attention from his eyes and answered. "Tomorrow."
Megan wrote down a short list of the things we needed. She left the note on the counter beside my car keys.
''I'll bring the desserts. I'll bake a few pies,'' she offered
''I love pies. Thank you Megan.''
Patrick and Juliet had left while Megan was writing the list. Juliet needed to eat and take a nap. I have to admit that she was getting a bit antsy around here, I didn't have any toys for her to play with and she'd been affected by the morose mood in the house.
The men hugged and said their goodbyes. They were both very quiet, like me, they probably didn’t feel like talking. Right now, I would have been happy to hide in a cave and never come out again.
''I’m going to go home for now. I'll be back later, if you want.'' Megan said.
''Sure, my home is yours.''
She kissed my cheeks and left Remy and I alone. The house was silent. We seemed to have lost the ability to speak to one another, we were both grief-stricken and our previous easy friendship seemed incredibly strained.
''Is it okay if I stay here for a couple of days?'' he asked.
''Sure. I want you to stay here. I don't really want to be alone.''
''I know this isn't what we had planned and I'm sorry. Avery... Avery, I...'' He looked at me, his eyes brimming with tears. ''I wish I was the one who was dead. You guys had so many things left to do. I’m so sorry.''
''Don't ever say that again. Nobody deserves to die. Not you, not him, but this is what our life is about. Constant danger. I wish he was still here, I miss him now and I always will. I was so excited to see him, touch him, kiss him,'' I cried angrily. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. ''But he died. He died doing something he loved. I'll never doubt his love for me, what we had was real. I just need time, Remy. I will be okay.''
''You are so fucking strong. I just want to drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and forget I exist for a day. I feel this constant pain in my chest.''
''I feel it too.'' I took his hands in mine and placed them over my heart. ''I feel it too.''
He drew me into his arms and we both cried. I was tired of crying but I was heartbroken and it felt better when I let the emotions go. Remy kissed my hair like he always did before this happened. He was not my Carter, but it felt good to be with him. He was a dear friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him.
I tried as hard as possible not to think about the funeral, but I knew what was coming. I had been to two of them in the past. I couldn’t believe they were going to conduct a military funeral for my husband and they were going to fold the flag of the United States and give it to me. There was no way I could wrap my head around that. My mind wasn't ready to process this, not today.
''We’re going to get through this together, Remy, okay?''
''Of course. I'll get everything ready. I'll take care of everything.'' He pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. ''I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me Ave.''
''I do.'' I cried harder. There was no reason for me not to forgive him.
''Thank you, you make my life a little more bearable.''
~~~*~~~
I
had been sitting on the couch for a very long time, when Remy brought me a hot cup of tea.
''Thank you.'' I whispered. ''How are you feeling now?''
He hunched his shoulders. ''It's a fucking nightmare, he died in my arms. He was saying how much he loved you and he died. I have that constantly repeating in my mind. I’m not sure I'm ever going to get over this.''
''I'm here for you. We’ll get through this, but most importantly, you have to give yourself time. You need to grieve, like I do. Talk to me, tell me what's going on.''
''Ave, your husband died and you're here caring for me. It should be the other way around.''
''I'm trying to be there for you and get through this myself. I'm not even sure how to do it but I'm really hoping that I'll do okay.''
I had been in Remy's shoes before. I had seen close friends die and because of that, I could relate to his pain. Remy was having a hard time dealing with his emotions, I could tell. But the way I was feeling was so completely consuming - my heart ached so dreadfully and my body was numb with shock.
Remy left the room in tears, obviously wanting to be alone. The front door was opened and quietly closed. He'd left.
I drank his cup of honey tea and suddenly felt very tired again. I laid on the couch with rivers of tears slowly sliding down my cheeks. To my surprise, I found myself praying that Carter was in heaven protecting us. He deserved to be.
I
felt bad, because today was a good day for me. My husband had come home safely.
Avery wasn't so lucky and it broke my heart. All the hopes and dreams she had shared with me. All the things she'd wished for were gone. She would never get to be the mother of Carter's child. Worse still, Ave would have to stand before the coffin of her beloved husband and say goodbye one last time. It was devastating.
Christmas was a few days away and I knew it was probably going to be impossible, but I wanted it to be a good day for her. Weeks ago, I'd received a parcel from Carter, he'd purchased an eternity ring for Avery. It was a beautiful piece of jewelry and it was the last gift Avery would ever receive from him. I knew I had to give it to her, but I didn’t think it was a good idea to do it in front of everybody. I thought I should give it to her when we were alone, just the two of us. I knew she'd be very emotional.
I wrapped the small black velvet box and added a small note to the outside of the gift.
Carter ordered this Christmas gift for you. I'm sorry I have to be the one giving it to you, but know that he really loved you. Megan xx
I had tears in my eyes. This was a rough day, not at all what I'd expected when I got up this morning.
''Juliet is finally asleep.'' Patrick startled me when he walked into the room.
''Oh! Thank you!'' I wiped my tears away.
''Are you okay sweetie?''
I didn’t know if I was okay, to be honest. I felt bad for being allowed to have my husband back. ''I'll be fine. How are you, sweets? You've been through a lot too.''
He remained silent but I could see sadness peeking through his eyes. ''I'll never forget that day, it was a real nightmare.''
I rushed to Patrick and circled my arms around him. He didn’t cry but he held me tight for a very long time. ''I’m so happy to be home with my girls," he said. "So happy!'' he repeated.
I took a moment to silently thank every angel watching over us. Even if he was away most of the time, I couldn’t imagine my life without Patrick. Just the thought of something happening to him, froze my heart. How awful it would be, to have to tell Juliet her father had died serving his country.
''Remy's going to need us, just as much as Avery. I've never seen a man in such pain before. I can't get the images out of my mind. Remy begged Carter to stay alive, even when we could all see he was gone. The look on his face was something I'll never forget. I think I should keep an eye on him, okay?''
''Of course, sweetheart.'' I kissed him again, before he grabbed a bottle of water and was out the door.
I stayed immobile for a few seconds, trying to think of what to do next. I didn’t know. I couldn’t leave the house while Juliet was sleeping. I went to her room and watched her for a few minutes. She was a beautiful little girl and looking at her made me so emotional. Juliet always brought a smile to Avery's lips. They'd grown really close, sharing a relationship which resembled an aunt and her niece. Feeling particularly emotional, I picked my daughter out of her bed and walked to my own bed and napped with her in my arms. This wasn’t something I did very often and yet, it felt so good.
~~~*~~~
''M
ommy, are we going to see Avery?'' Juliet's voice was soft in my ear. She tried her hardest to whisper, but it was still a bit too loud.
I woke up to a sweet little green-eyed girl, jumping on the bed. The smile on her face was contagious and I smiled back.
''We’ll see her later, okay?''
She nodded and continued jumping up and down. I had lost track of time. The sun was almost completely down and Patrick didn’t appear to be home yet. Juliet's giggles made me smile again, she'd given up on jumping and was hiding under the sheets. I started tickling her and she shrieked in delight, begging me to stop. I loved moments like these. Life was so beautiful around Juliet. Her innocence and joyful spirit were all it took to make me smile. I joined her under the sheets and it reminded me of when I was a young girl and built castles out of bed sheets and chairs, creating furniture from the couch cushions.