Lost Highways (A Valentine Novel) (22 page)

“We don’t know if it is a her.”

“Her or him, I don’t care. I’m offerin’ you an option, Leanne.”

She was a little surprised at herself. But she figured she had surprised herself before.

And then suddenly she thought of Harry. What would he say? Well, it probably wouldn’t work out with him, anyway, and
the baby would be a comfort. Someone to love, to care for. Good for Daddy, too. She saw him holding the baby. Maybe caring for a baby would bring them closer, and he wouldn’t need That Mildred.

“It is a good solution, Leanne. You could still see her and everything.”

“Don’t go makin’ plans for me, Rainey. Don’t push me. I get enough of that from Clay and Mama. And if you want a baby so much, go have your own.”

Rainey could not think of anything to say to that, at least, not anything nice.

After a minute Leanne said, “If I have this baby, I’m goin’ to be unable to ride for months. There’s nothin’ good about that.

“And nothin’ good about havin’ to go to the toilet every ten minutes, either,” she added, getting up and going into the little bathroom.

Slowly Rainey replaced the cap on the bottle of polish. She had only put one coat on her nails, and they looked streaked, but she felt deflated and had no heart for pretty fingernails. In the face of Leanne’s predicament with Clay and the fate of a baby, painted nails seemed a little inane.

The night had turned out to be awfully confusing.

She moved the curtains and looked out to see the two shadows on either side of the truck cab. There was such a lonely aura about that.

Just then movement caught her eye. A man. He came out from between two horse trailers and stood looking their way. She couldn’t be certain if it was Clay, but she thought it was. She froze, hoping he couldn’t see her, but of course he could, there in the light.

A few moments, and he turned and went back into the shadows, leaving her thinking about him. No doubt Clay had
a lot of internal demons. He certainly didn’t need another child. He was too big a child himself.

Somehow, when dark night lifts, so do human fears. It was as if, when dawn came, they were all safely assured that Clay was not going to return drunk and go wild some more. This was Rainey’s and Leanne’s reaction, although the guys had no doubt come to that conclusion long before.

Leanne, who had curled up in her bed in the gooseneck, fell into a deep sleep. Rainey got up from where she had been dozing with her head on the table, slipped into Harry’s sport jacket and nudged the puppy awake with her foot.

“Come on, Buddy.”

The puppy and she stepped out into the gray dawn of a crisp morning. There was no frost, but she could see her breath.

Pete Lucas’s head was against the passenger window of her truck. She walked around to the driver’s side, where Harry sat with his head back on the seat. Gently she opened the door.

“Everything all right?” he said, coming awake immediately, his eyes opening clear and focused, although he moved slowly.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “I need to feed Lulu, and then we can go to the motel.” She felt herself sinking into exhaustion.

Harry reached over to shake Pete Lucas; he had to shake him robustly to get a reaction. At last Pete came semiawake.

“Do you want us to drive you somewhere?” Harry asked him.

Pete shook his head and pointed and mumbled that he would just go into Leanne’s. He stumbled inside her trailer, probably taking advantage of Clay’s absence to simply be with her and look upon her. Rainey thought that maybe he would be lucky and Clay would be gone forever, although she sincerely doubted this happening.

Harry got out, and she scooted into the seat. The puppy came
bounding up beside her. Then Harry got behind the wheel again and drove over to her trailer to get the grain and hay for Lulu.

“I’ll take care of feeding her. You two stay here,” he said, leaving Rainey with the puppy’s head in her lap, the engine running and gradually heating the cab.

That she let him feed Lulu was testimony to her exhaustion. And to her trust in him, she supposed. She leaned back against the seat and watched him through the window. Bucket of grain in one hand, flake of alfalfa in the other, he disappeared into the barn.

He did not look at all like the man she had picked up along the side of the road all those days ago, the one who had worn loafers and slacks and a silk shirt. The one who had professed to be afraid of horses. Since she had not known him before, she could not be certain of her assessment, but he seemed changed from that man. He remained slender and handsome, and sarcastic, too, but he was no longer the lost man she had first found. There was a certainty about him now, a peace about him. Of course, he could have had that all along, and she might not have seen it, being preoccupied as she was with her own concerns.

She had met him in midchange, she thought. The change had begun before she met him, at the moment he had dared to face his father and follow his own desires.

Suddenly came the whisper of a thought, like a breath on her heart. Maybe the somewhere Rainey herself had been looking for was as simple as finding the courage to accept herself and go for what she really wanted.

She knew then, with that particular knowing the spirit has, that all of it, Robert and Monte, and all the mistakes she had ever made and all of the good choices, too—such as picking up Harry—were a part of her life and to be valued. Yes, even the
mistakes were to be valued, because they were each valuable pieces of what made her.

Thinking of this, she drifted into sleep and roused only slightly when Harry slipped again into the seat. He put his arm around her and drew her close, and she snuggled gladly into his warmth. She felt the truck rumbling over the road.

The next thing she became aware of was Harry’s voice saying, “Rainey. We’re here.”

He shook her gently, and then he was helping her out of the truck. He had already opened the door to her room. They stopped there in the opening, and he handed her her purse.

“Get some sleep,” he said and kissed her quickly, before going on to his own door.

She went inside, closed the door and leaned against it, listening to his door close.

Heart with a Past

T
he first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was the bouquet of flowers Harry had brought her the day before.

The light-blocking drapes were parted, letting in a stream of ethereal sunlight that illuminated the flowers from behind, and she lay there looking at them, dragging up from sleep like she always did.

She thought that maybe waking would not be so difficult for her if she always had flowers to gaze at first thing upon opening her eyes.

She reflected that it had been just yesterday evening when Harry had showed up with the flowers. Not even twenty-four hours.

It seemed at least a week ago, because enough had happened in the hours since to fill a week. Her mind skimmed over all those events, going back to seeing Harry standing at the door with the bouquet.

This was the first gift of flowers she had received from a man
since…since Monte had wrecked her Mustang and tried to apologize with a bouquet, flowers which she had suspected he might have swiped from the cemetery, as they had been definitely greenhouse cut flowers clutched bare in his hand.

She recalled how Harry had looked when he handed her the bouquet, so pleased and hoping for her pleasure. She worried that she had not thanked him enough. She had been so surprised at the time. And afraid to let her feelings show when they really did come over her.

Various images of Harry, like snapshots, streamed across her mind and filled her with wonder. She saw a quiet man whose gentleness masked a steely strength. He was a man who continually turned his face fearlessly—or foolishly, as the case might be—to the wind. He did not laugh easily, but he was easily amused. And almost nothing shocked Harry, she supposed from all he had seen as a doctor. This was a very comforting quality.

This singular man, Harry, had said he thought he was falling in love with her.

She grabbed a pillow and clutched it to her chest, feeling all manner of desires and fears. They overwhelmed her to such a point that she rolled over to reach for the phone and call Charlene, moving so quickly that she startled the puppy, who looked up from where he lay on a pair of her jeans, ready to jump to his feet, should that be required.

Three rings, and Charlene’s answering machine picked up.

“If you get this in the next hour, call me at the motel,” Rainey said into the receiver.

She hung up, feeling sharply disappointed at not being allowed to discuss her thoughts with her sister. Sometimes thoughts not given voice tended to get jumbled up again. In fact, her thoughts already seemed to be crumbling. Where she had
for a split second experienced clarity and a rising hope, she now had doubts trying to crowd in as fast as ponies crowding around the feed trough.

She took hold of the prospect that Charlene could return her call any minute. Flinging back the bedcovers, she went to shower, leaving the bathroom door open so she could hear the phone if it rang.

It occurred to her that she was at last becoming closer to Charlene, from a distance. She wondered if their newfound relationship would continue when she went home. Maybe whenever she wanted to talk over anything deep with Charlene, she would have to telephone her.

The phone did not ring while she was in the shower. She checked it when she got out, but there was no message light.

Standing there with a towel around her, she dialed Harry’s room, hearing the ringing both on the line and through the wall. Maybe he was asleep, although he normally would come awake immediately. When he did not answer after eight rings, she clicked off and dialed the front desk.

“I just dialed Mr. Furneaux’s room, but there was no answer. Has he checked out?”

“No, ma’am,” the voice seemed surprised. “I believe I saw him drive away a few minutes ago.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

She went to the window and peeked through the curtains. The space where her truck had been was now empty, the sun shining on a grease spot on the concrete.

Of course this was not strange, she told herself. Harry had walked a number of places yesterday morning, while she slept. He had her keys from last night, so this morning he could drive himself where he wanted to go.

She wondered if he might have gone to buy her more flowers.

Her heart was pounding furiously, and she pictured Harry walking along the highway, away from her. Or, in this case, driving away.

It had to do with her poor experiences with men, she knew, and took herself by the scruff of the neck and got dressed, did a complete makeup job, and even put a new coat of polish on her nails. Then she took the puppy out for a walk. There was a nice grassy field at the rear of the motel. Coming upon a stick, she threw it, attempting to teach the puppy to fetch. When he got it, she called to him. He looked at her, stick between his jaws, and cocked his head this way and that.

“Come, boy. Here, Buddy.”

He remained poised, gazing at her.

“Here, Roscoe,” she said, and he came running. “Oh, Roscoe…good boy, Roscoe,” she murmured, burying her face into his fur, filled with thankfulness for him.

Then standing and holding his leash, she urged him to run, and she ran with him, over the stubbly fall grass and rock, far out of sight of their room.

Maybe if they were gone long enough, she thought, Harry would have returned when they got back.

Finally, out of breath and growing hungry, the puppy with his tongue hanging out, they walked back across the grass and to the rear of the motel, along the covered walkway. When they came to the corner, she peered anxiously around it.

Yes! Relief swept her as she beheld her truck sitting in its space, the bright afternoon sunlight hitting the roof.

Then her gaze fell on Harry, leaning against the fender, the sun shining on his brown hat and denim shirt. Looking like a Levi’s jeans advertisement, waiting for her.

When she got close enough, he looked into her eyes and said
hurriedly, “I just went to get your spare tire fixed. I got you two new front tires put on, too.”

He regarded her with apprehension.

The puppy pulling her forward, she went to him. He opened his arms and enveloped her against his warm chest that smelled of cotton and sunshine.

“I’m sorry,” he said, stroking her hair. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I didn’t want to call and wake you up…. I thought I might get back before you woke up.”

She shook her head against his chest, unable to get words past the lump choking her throat. He rubbed her back and kissed her hair.

“I think I’m fallin’ in love with you, too,” she finally managed to get out.

Although she didn’t lift her head, she felt his body smile.

“Don’t be so sad about it,” he said, a hint of amusement in his tone.

“It’s crazy, and you know it’s crazy.” She hit his chest with her small, balled fist. “You live all the way down in Houston, you have school…a career to get goin’…we can’t go anywhere with this.” She supposed, having blurted out her growing love, she was just going to babble about everything. She was crying now.

“You picking me up was the best thing to ever happen to me,” he said softly, tilting her face to look into her eyes. “We’ll work it out.”

“It scares me to death.”

“I know,” he said. “Me too.”

“Oh, Harry.” She gazed at him, at his beautiful, soft brown eyes, searching them for what, she wasn’t sure.

“It does not have to be all or nothing right from the start,” he said. “We’ll just take it a step at a time, and find each puzzle
piece and put it in place before we go on to the next. We’ll just see what happens, okay?”

He arched an eyebrow.

She regarded him a moment, and then she leaned toward him, and he met her, and they kissed. It was enough to bring her left foot swinging up clean off the ground.

The Knack for Knowing When

I
t turned out that Leanne had accepted Clay back faster than a train to New Orleans. Rainey, walking with Harry to the barn to get Lulu, looked over and saw Leanne leading her horse across the lot, and Clay, in a skintight T-shirt, walked beside her with his hand resting at the back of her neck in a claiming manner. Leanne, wearing dark sunglasses, acted like she didn’t see Rainey. Clay glanced at her, probably because she was staring a hole in him, but he did not acknowledge her.

“It won’t help for you to start a fight, Rainey,” Harry said, giving her a tug along. “You might end up getting me beat up.”

“Why in the world did she take him back?” she said fiercely.

It made her feel very sad to think of all the hurting hearts making desperate choices all over the place.

“I should have talked more to her about this,” she said. “I should have gotten her to leave last night.”

“Do you really think you could have done that?” Harry asked.

She looked into his brown eyes. “I guess not.” Even if her
cousin had agreed with her about Clay, she wouldn’t have missed that night’s racing.

“She has to do what she feels she has to do,” Harry said. “And she may be right—maybe she can help him.”

Then his arm came around her, drawing her close to him, as if to draw her out of her dark, preoccupied mood and to remind her that he was near and their own lives needed to be attended to. She could practically hear him: Don’t keep running from your own life by focusing on the lives of others.

It was her own thought, of course, and it startled her. She pressed closer to him, if that were possible.

When they reached Lulu’s stall, she fed her the Twinkie cake she had brought for her. Then she turned to Harry and said, “I’d rather not exercise her while Leanne’s there. Let’s just tie her to her trailer so she can be in the sun, and you and I can go over to the carnival and get somethin’ to eat…and then we can go over to the dart booth, and you can see if you can pop all their balloons.”

He looked so pleased at her suggestion that she had to glance away.

Her own fears were so much harder to deal with than trying to lead Leanne’s life for her.

“Hit me,” Harry said, putting another bill down on the counter of the dart booth.

The carnie placed five darts on the counter, and they all watched as Harry proceeded to rapidly pop five balloons. It seemed he could not miss. In fact, since he had begun playing, he had not missed a throw, and he popped the balloons so quickly that the carnie would stare at the board a minute, counting to make sure that Harry had not managed to pocket a dart without being seen.

A small crowd had gathered. A round of applause ensued now, and Harry gave his slow grin at everyone, saying, “Thank you,” and drew her forward to choose a prize.

“I’d like the clown.” She’d had her eye on the china-faced clown.

The carnie cut the clown free and plopped it on top of the four other prizes in her arms. She was also holding the end of the puppy’s leash, and luckily the puppy was content to lie right at her feet.

A cocky but good-humored-looking young man stepped forward and said, “I bet twenty that you miss before I do.”

“I’ll take that bet,” Harry said.

The two passed bills to the carnie, who was very happy about the situation, and each went to popping balloons to much applause. Things continued in this vein until Rainey was struggling to see and breathe under her load of stuffed animals. The little blond girl standing beside Harry’s cocky challenger was amassing a decent collection of her own. Although the young man had missed once, he had immediately bought more darts and again bet Harry. When a harsh-looking young woman in black leather pushed herself up to join the men in their duel, the boy who had been off to the side blowing up balloons could not keep up, and at last a pause was forced until the balloons could be replenished.

At this point, and to some groans of disappointment, Harry bowed out. The crowd quickly transferred attention to Harry’s cocky young challenger, who proclaimed he would keep trying until he had beat Harry’s record of consecutive hits, which the carnie had written on cardboard and pasted up, trying to encourage business.

“Best to stop while I’m king,” Harry said low in her ear, as he guided her away from the booth.

“I think you’ve already made the carnie’s profit for this carnival, anyway,” she said.

She was having trouble seeing around all the stuffed animals—she had lost count along the way but estimated at least fifteen—and the puppy was tugging at the end of his leash, which she could not hand to Harry, as it was buried beneath her armload.

“What are they going to do with all these?” she said, when Harry had taken half of them from her—there turned out to be sixteen. “There’s already those ten you won yesterday on the bed in my trailer. There won’t be room for me.”

Harry looked at her, then at the toys, and then at a small boy passing by with his parents. Quickly he stepped over and gave a bright-green dinosaur to the boy, turning away before the parents could say a word of protest or thanks.

Immediately they went through the carnival giving away the stuffed toys to surprised and delighted children, who undoubtedly had been told repeatedly not to take anything from strangers, and to two startled silver-haired women sitting on a bench, who reacted with the same surprised delight as the children.

They gave away all except the china-faced clown, which Rainey told Harry she adored.

“Maybe I’ll save it for Leanne’s baby,” she said. Then she looked at him. “I told Leanne I would take her baby if she didn’t want it. Clay wants her to have an abortion…did she tell you that?”

“No, I don’t believe so,” he said with a somewhat surprised expression.

So she told him all about it, and how she would very much like to take Leanne’s baby, pointing out her age and ticking biological clock.

“It seems a solution,” he said in a way she could not gauge.

“Will that be a problem for us?” she asked point-blank. Her mind was racing ahead to consider all manner of possible complications. Harry might not want to continue with a woman who already had a baby, and he might be a man who did not care for adoption.

“I don’t see that it should,” he said, seeming a little surprised at the question. Then he added, “I like kids.”

“Oh, I know you do,” she said. “I just thought I should tell you that I may very soon be having one. Leanne’s still making up her mind. I guess the best thing would be for her to keep the baby, but really, I hope she decides in my favor.”

“I think I’d like to have two children at least,” he said and cast her a questioning look.

“Two is good.”

They walked a bit farther, both of them thinking.

“Well, what if we don’t have any?” she asked. “What if I can’t have a child?”

“That’s fine with me, too,” he said.

They had come to the carousel and decided to take a ride. They tied the puppy to a post, and every time they revolved around into his sight, he would yip. Then suddenly there he was, chasing around the carousel after them. This about gave her a heart attack. She had not tied him securely enough, and he had pulled his leash loose from the post, and it was dragging after him. She was afraid he was going to get it caught and choke himself to death right before her eyes.

“Oh, Roscoe!” she cried, stumbling from pumping horse to pumping elephant in her anxiousness to meet the dog, who had now jumped up on the spinning machine, and grab the leash that was dragging on the ground.

“Come here, Roscoe!” With great relief, she drew him to her and captured the end of his leash.

Then Harry was there, helping her to her feet. “Roscoe?” he said with a little smile.

“Don’t go there,” she said.

The carousel operator was so affected by the puppy’s devotion that he told them if they wanted to ride again, the puppy could ride, too.

Harry thought they could not disappoint the generous man, nor the puppy, and she agreed, so they went three more times on the carousel, Harry on one pumping steed and her on one beside him, with the puppy at the end of his silver leash, sitting happily in front of them. In just the few days the puppy had been with them, he seemed to have grown by amazing proportions, and he appeared a regal sight when sitting like that. Full of themselves and the spectacle they made, Rainey and Harry waved to people, until the carousel operator’s boss came over and yelled at him for allowing a dog on the machine.

Harry hurried over and told the man, “My wife is almost blind. She and her dog are learning to work together, and he can’t be separated from her.” This bold lie, even if it was met with skepticism, appeared to save the carousel operator his job.

As they went away, Rainey did her best to appear dependent on the puppy, and as if he understood perfectly, the puppy went straight and proud at the end of his leash. “Good boy, Roscoe,” she told him.

They were sitting on a bench eating hamburgers and drinking Cokes when her eye caught a jet flying in the clear blue sky. It was rather close, obviously having just taken off from the airport that was not far away.

“Do you want me to take you to the airport tomorrow, on my way home?” she asked.

“I guess that’d be a good idea,” he said.

This reply annoyed her, as she had expected more. Just what more, she couldn’t have said, but she was still annoyed.

Then she realized he was looking at her. He said, “We should exchange phone numbers and addresses.”

She didn’t think this was exactly what she’d had in mind for him to say, either, but at least it was something, and she felt comforted. Since neither of them had paper or pen, Harry said that his phone number was listed in the Houston directory, and she told him hers was in the Valentine directory, just in case.

The distance between the two places seemed awfully long to her.

“I’ve been considering this past week,” Harry said. “I’ll have to go back to school for psychiatry. Two or three years at least.”

This did not surprise her.

“Well, I think it is a perfect field for you,” she said, wanting to be encouraging, yet wondering where this would leave their relationship.

“I don’t want it to put a wedge between us,” he said.

She looked at him a long time. “What
do
you want?” she said at last.

“Well, maybe you’ll come down to Houston some.”

“Maybe,” she said.

It all came back to her, what she had gone through with Robert, and suddenly she was thinking of Valentine.

He was studying her, and she thought she saw disappointment flicker over his face. She might have imagined it, but she don’t think so. It was probably becoming as plain to him as it was to her that they had gotten carried away with thinking they could have anything more than this interlude. They would separate at the end of this weekend, and it was difficult, if not impossible, for two people to develop a relationship with a distance of five hundred miles and vastly different life-styles between them.

She got up very quickly and walked over to throw the hamburger paper and empty cup in the trash barrel, giving herself time to gather what she could of her good humor. There was no need to let doubtful sadness over the future ruin the beauty of this day.

“Come on…I need to go exercise Lulu now,” she said, forcing a lightness into her tone and onto her face when she returned to him. “I may just come in second tonight and make some good money. If I do, dinner’s on me.”

He responded with one of his charming smiles and said, “I’ll buy champagne, either way.”

They would return to the Mexican restaurant, they agreed, and have the Spanish dessert and champagne and dance until the place closed.

When Harry prepared to leave while she worked Lulu, she told him to stay and watch. He looked surprised but pleased, and he stood at the railing the entire time, with the puppy at his feet. She thought his showing this attention was awfully nice of him, as it could not have been all that exciting watching her ride around and around, and turn this way and that.

When she was satisfied that she had worked Lulu enough, she suggested Harry go off and get them a couple of cold drinks while she cooled Lulu down.

She was watching him walk away, taking note of his attractiveness from the rear, when the young woman who had tied for third place with her the night before rode up next to her. Her horse was a flat-brown with a lovely silver mane.

“He’s awful cute,” the young woman said, her gaze on Harry.

Rainey agreed, although
cute
was not a word she would use to describe Harry. He was handsome, or attractive, or good-looking, or maybe even a stud.

“Leanne’s in there measurin’ placement for the barrels,” the woman said, nodding toward the arena. “She always does that. Then she’ll put special marks for her horse.”

“How does she do that?” Rainey thought of all that goes on in an arena before they ran the barrels.

“Well, she’ll put a mark on the wall and note the length from the wall in pencil. Last night she marked with a piece of tape. I think she uses that to gauge her turning point.”

Rainey wondered if this wasn’t all sour grapes on the part of this young woman. She told her then, in case she didn’t know, that Leanne was her cousin. By the young woman’s expression, she gathered that had been the case.

“Good luck to you tonight,” the woman said, and then rode away.

Rainey thought that she would pay careful attention to Leanne and look for her marks. She experienced a rising expectation for her and Lulu’s performance, and then she realized that, with all her other concerns, she had somewhat forgotten about the possibilities of tonight. Now, after exercising Lulu, she thought them both in top form, and excitement about the competition rose. It was enough to cover over her present dread of parting from Harry tomorrow. It was enough to help her tell herself that tomorrow was a long way off.

As she led Lulu to the wash rack in the barn, she came upon Herbert Longstreet. He squinted at her with his weary eyes from beneath his hat with the sharply turned-up brim, and then he looked at Lulu, and his expression turned soft.