Lost in Mist and Shadow: A Between the Worlds Novel (7 page)

“I don’t understand,” Allie said, frowning.

“Damn, are you always this dense when you’re asleep?” Syn shook her head. “I’m here to talk to you because I want to talk to you, but you aren’t why I’m stuck here.”

“Well, then why? We caught your killer. He’s dead and that’s close to justice –“

“Close to!” Syndra laughed again. “Its better justice than seeing him get off on some technicality. I’m glad he’s dead, I’m just sorry Riordan had to do it. He’s not the kind of guy that’ll ever get over that.”

“I’m not sure anyone gets over shooting their own partner,” Allie said flatly. “So fine you’re not stuck here because of me or him, so why?”

Syndra stopped in front of the fireplace holding her hands out towards the flames. “I should visit you like this more often. It’s not like being on the earthplane at all. I can really feel the heat.”

She stopped, looking thoughtful, and then walked quickly over to where Allie was standing and threw her arms around her friend. Allie stiffened in shock – Syndra was as real and solid as if she were alive. Allie could even hear her breathing and feel the warm breath against her neck. Finally Syndra pulled back, looking triumphant and sad. “Fuckin’ A! I have got to do this more often! It’s like being alive again…”

“Okay,” Allie managed not to sound too stunned. “Okay, so you’ll be haunting my dreams from now on. Fabulous. But why are you haunting anything?”

“You just won’t let that go will you?” Syndra looked annoyed and walked back over to throw herself down on the couch again. “Honestly, I don’t know. But it’s not because of you, it’s something to do with where I was killed.”

“The ritual site?” Allie said and then bit her lip unsure if it was okay to mention how her friend had died.

Syn winced, “Yeah, there. I can’t actually go there – it’s like with the sage, there’s this, this kind of force that keeps me out but I also feel pulled to stay there. It’s super fucking irritating.”

Allie frowned. “I don’t know why you can’t go there. I mean I know sometimes ghosts are tied to where they died, and the elves are dealing with the magical clean up so they have all kinds of wards on the area-“

“Do they?” Syn asked staring at the ceiling. “Are you sure? Because it doesn’t feel like that. I tried to follow you to the Outpost and I couldn’t go there either but it wasn’t like a force so much as everything just faded when I got too close to the elven magic. This is like a wall. Like what you did with the sage.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. The elves are handling the cleanup…I just assumed they warded the space…”

“Maybe,” Syndra said as the room started to fade out and the dream lost cohesiveness, “You should find out…”

Allie woke up Monday feeling as if she hadn’t slept at all. Her night had been haunted by nightmares after she’d dreamt of Syndra. She had tossed and turned fitfully caught up in reliving her own experiences interspersed with shadowed dreams of the site of the ritual that had claimed Syndra’s life, the sound of screams and sight of blood running across stone chasing her into the morning.

It took her longer than usual to get going and she found that all of her cheer from the day before had evaporated. Her mind kept worrying over her dream – if it even was a dream – and what Syndra had said to her. Part of her thought that she should go out as soon as possible to the site that had been used for the rituals – the murders, Allie reminded herself – but another part of her desperately wanted to avoid any further involvement.
What if I do go and I find…something? Anything?
Allie thought, chewing her lip as she pulled on a pair of jeans and plain grey t-shirt.
What if it all starts up again? Jess told me before he died Walters said it wasn’t over, that what he was doing would be carried on. What if I find that it’s still happening?
The thought made her start shaking.

She sat down on the bed, staring at the floor, still the same carpet she’d had since moving here as a child.
I did my part, I helped them stop what was happening and catch Walters. I can’t do that again
– unbidden the flashes of memory that had plagued her almost since the events themselves had occurred played through her head yet again: a boot stomping mercilessly on her ankle, crushing the already broken bones. The sound of her own voice screaming behind a rough gag made of an old towel, the feel of it rough against her lips. The circle of three men looking down at her, two Dark court elves and one human killer, their eyes cold. The sound of the bone in her arm snapping as it broke. The feel of his hand in her hair, twisting. The concrete cold underneath her. The sound of her dress tearing and a voice that was burned into her mind saying ‘now, my turn’…The feel of his hands pressing into her skin…the blade of the knife sliding into her side, between the ribs…the sudden inability to draw a breath…

She leaned forward on the bed, putting her head down afraid she might pass out. Her hands covered her face and she sobbed as quietly as she could, not wanting anyone to hear her crying.
No. No, I can’t. I’m sorry Syn, I can’t. Not again.
She sobbed harder, her chest constricting painfully, and slid to the floor. Her breath came in short gasps as she hyperventilated and the edges of her vision started to go dark.

Then, suddenly, Jason was there, his hand on her back, calling her name over and over. Instantly she latched onto him, using his emotions to pull herself out. His worry and fear were not her own they were solid and rooted in his concern for her, not in her phantom fears and remembered pain. She sucked in his concern and immediately took a deeper breath, her racing heart starting to slow.

“Allie? Allie? Just breathe. That’s right slow breaths. Nice and slow…”Jason kept talking but his words didn’t matter. His solid presence and emotional openness allowed her to calm down. She realized she was curled on her side on the floor, and struggled to sit up. After a moment’s hesitation Jason helped. “Better?”

She nodded, focusing on getting her breathing under control. “Yeah,” she finally managed to get out, “beh, beh-ter.”

“Don’t try to move too much. Just sit for a little bit until you stop shaking.”

She nodded again, clutching his arm and the physical contact that she desperately needed. Perhaps sensing that he moved to sit next to her, tucking her against his side. “Holy shit, Allie. I think you were having a panic attack.”

“Yeah,” she said, forcing herself to stop shaking through sheer willpower. “I know.”

“You - how long has this been going on?” he sounded stunned but she felt anger and worry in waves.

The inevitable headache was starting and she closed her eyes. “A while.”

“A while? Like a while a couple weeks? Or a while like years?” he asked carefully.

She was silent unsure how much to tell him. He hugged her closer, “It’s okay Allie. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to, but don’t, I don’t want you to feel like you have to deal with whatever’s going on alone. I know we haven’t been really tight friends before but I
am
your friend and I want to help you.”

She fought to keep from crying again, hating how weak and helpless she felt. But his genuine concern and love broke through her barriers and reluctantly she said, “I started getting them after…after I hurt my ankle.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “That’s understandable. You went through something really traumatic. You don’t just get up the next day after having your best friend murdered, being kidnapped, and beat up, you don’t just walk away from that and everything’s rosy. No one expects you to be perfectly okay.”

“I can’t be weak Jason,” she said shaking her head slightly.

“Of course you can! No one is strong all the time-“

“No you don’t understand. In the – where I grew up weakness isn’t an option. It means you’re a victim,” she shook her head as she spoke.

“Allie, it’s okay to admit you were a victim-“

“No!” she cut him off again this time more forcefully. “No. It’s not. The first time in the store when I got hurt I knew it was because I was weak. But it wasn’t really that bad, a broken nose, a concussion. And then Syndra died, and they took me, and I can’t defend myself Jason! Being a victim means always being a victim, and I can’t. Not again…”

“Allie,” he said gently, “you aren’t being rational. I know this might feel overwhelming, but what happened did happen whether you admit it to anyone else or not. And making yourself crazy acting like everything’s fine when it isn’t is just, well crazy.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yeah, but that isn’t going to make it go away, or make it so it didn’t happen,” he said softly. “You said it yourself the other day, your emotions are all over the place. You’re having panic attacks. I mean you can’t just keep going on like this. Something has to give.”

She nodded slowly and then struggled to stand up. “I have to get ready for work.”

Jason frowned, started to say something, stopped, and then said “I think you should talk to someone. Someone professional.”

Allie thought hard about that for a minute, the silence stretching between them. He meant professional human help, but she wouldn’t be able to talk about the Dark court with them, not when the Dark court didn’t exist to most humans. But, there was one possibility. The problem was she had no practical way to pay for his help…“Yeah okay.”

“Really?” he sounded genuinely surprised.

She nodded, “Yeah. I’ll go see Brynneth. He’s a healer.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Jason said. “I meant more like a psychologist.”

“I know you did. But I think an elven healer might be better for this. And he can heal minds too you know.”

Jason looked skeptical, but nodded, “Well alright. As long as you talk to someone about it. And you know if you ever need to talk to me, well, I’m just across the hall, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks,” she said. Then, finally noticing he was only wearing a loose pair of pajama pants, added “I’m sorry if I woke you up”

He stood up with her, shrugging, “It’s okay, I was on third last night so I only just got to bed. I wasn’t even really asleep yet.”

“Well, back to sleep with you,” she said pushing him towards the door of her room.

He hesitated, and she walked with him, “It’s okay Jason, I have to get ready for work anyway. Go back to bed. I’m okay now. And I’ll get in touch with Brynneth.”

“Do you promise?” he asked as he stepped out into the hallway. She stopped short. “Come on Allie I know how this works. Promise you’ll talk to him as soon as you can.”

“I,” Allie mumbled, trying to think of a way out of a binding oath,”ummm, I can’t say as soon as I could because…well, how about…Okay, okay! I promise I will try to talk to Brynneth about this problem I’m having the next time I see the Elven Guards.”

Jason yawned, but seemed satisfied. “Have a good day Allie.”

“Go to bed, Jason,” she said back trying to keep her voice light.
And I didn’t say I absolutely would, I only said I’d try
she thought to herself, heading down the stairs to get some coffee.

************************

The worst part about the panic attacks, Allie reflected as she pulled into her parking spot behind the store, was that they left her feeling hollow and exhausted. Her head ached dully making it hard to think. It was going to be a long day. The only bright side was that she never had more than two in a week and could always count on at least three or four days before she had to worry about the next one…

She got out of her car, locking it and double checking to be sure it was locked, then walked over to the back door. She stopped a few feet away, her eyes frozen on the small shape lying out in front of the step.
What the?
she thought before her brain automatically analyzed the shape and said
bird
. Allie glanced immediately up at the little nest above the doorway, where the tiny overhang offered a small protected shelf, but to her relief she could see – and feel – her wrens were safe. Somewhat reassured but even more puzzled she stepped forward and leaned over the tiny body. It was a robin, dead and cold, but without any obvious injury.

Allie felt the hair on her arms lifting.
What are the odds?
she thought uneasily
No I’m being paranoid. Its been a bad morning and that dream, talking to Syndra has me all worked up.
She shook her head and feeling like a coward she nudged the little body over to the side with her foot and stepped up to unlock the door.
Its sad but he can feed one of the stray cats. It’s the circle of life and all that. Come to think of it, I don’t know that a stray didn’t leave him there…
The thought rang false but she clung to it as she went through her morning routine.

The morning passed quietly, a typical Monday, and she used the time to catch up on phone and internet orders and to work on tracking down some rare books she knew some of her regulars were looking for. One antique grimoire on ancient summoning rites had been mentioned by two different mages in town and Allie was betting if she could get a copy they’d each be too stubborn to let the other have it, which could work out really nicely for her bank account. First she had to find a copy though, and she had a good lead but the time difference was making negotiations, even via email, difficult.

She was sitting behind the counter at her small laptop, trying to decide how much she could safely pay for the book when the front door opened. The new bells that Jason had helped her hang jingled cheerfully and she typed faster trying to finish and save so she could great her first customer of the day. She almost knocked the computer to the floor when a very familiar voice said, “I’m glad you replaced the ward spell on the door. I always thought setting it in the bells was clever.”

“Bleidd!” she yelled, dodging around the counter and for once ignoring the ache in her ankle. He was already halfway across the store and she nearly threw herself across the remaining distance, catching him up in a fierce hug.

She felt his surprise and happiness like a balm and she drank it in, using his emotion to fill up the aching void left by the morning’s events. He pressed her close, “If I knew you’d be this welcoming perhaps I’d think of going away more often.”

She smiled leaning into his shirt and feeling her own tension and stress lessening. She felt safer knowing that Bleidd was home. “Don’t you dare.”

It pleased him to hear her say that and she knew it; for a moment she felt uneasy. Jess would not like this at all, even if she and Bleidd were just friends.
You think he’s just your friend
a little voice whispered
but you know he wants it to be more than that. So why are you encouraging him
? She resolutely shrugged the little voice away. “So how was the family visit?”

He stiffened and she knew before he spoke that it hadn’t gone well but did her best not to let it show on her face. She also struggled to strengthen her shields, regretfully cutting off the soothing flow of his emotions. “Well,” he said keeping his tone deceptively light, “I may have been better served staying here with you. Although certainly going back to my former King’s realm and seeing my kin showed me that being Outcast for all those decades wasn’t such a bad thing after all.”

“Really?” she pulled away from him and limped over to the nearest chair; he followed and sat across from her.

“Your ankle still pains you?” his voice was concerned, but she looked away, resisting the urge to rub her left leg.

“It’s about as good as it’s going to get, you know that. Anyway, so you went and saw your family and?” she prompted.

“And nothing. Nothing changes there, not really. I may as well have left only last week for all the difference I noticed. Mortal earth is a beautiful, dizzying constant motion compared to Fairy,” hesmiled, leaning back. She thought that he looked no different after being gone for a month. Th
e
same black t-shirt and jeans, the same ponytail of black hair. Unlike her ponytail which carefully covered her ears his hair was pulled back tightly enough to show off the delicate points of his, but then Bleidd had always seemed to enjoy the attention that Allie abhorred. Since it seemed rude to say that he hadn’t changed when he had just implied that lack of change was boring she made a vague noncommittal noise instead.