Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) (21 page)

“Michelle, her best friend, was the only person I could talk to about this. She was in the know about our hush-hush relationship and she constantly tried to prepare me. She knew it was an inescapable fact that Jacky’s illness could take a turn for the worst. I was also, in my own way, trying to condition my head and my heart to not build an imaginary life with her, realizing that I may lose her—not to another guy, but to fucking cancer.

“This went on for a year. Maybe about a month before graduation, Jacqueline’s father, Jack, invited me out for dinner to a swanky steakhouse. I was nervous and a bit excited, hoping that maybe he’d offer me a job once I passed the bar. I expected that Jacky might have put in a good word for me. Her dad’s law practice was no joke; it was fucking legendary, spanning many generations and covering high-profile cases. We actually studied many of their cases in class.

“I definitely didn’t expect the horror I heard from him that night. Jack Boyd had been waiting for me at the table with red-rimmed eyes, and when I saw him hunched over a scotch and his pale expression, I knew that nothing he would say to me could possibly be good. I was right. He told me how his only daughter, Jacqueline, the joy of his life, the center of his universe, the most beautiful girl in the world, had been diagnosed with cervical cancer—which I already knew. But then he continued to tell me that the doctors had given Jacky less than a year to live, with the advanced stage of her malignant cell proliferation.

“I sat at that restaurant numb, dead, and unresponsive. In the back of my mind, buried under a pile of shit and lies that I’d told myself in order to sleep better at night, I knew this day would come. I had tried to distance myself emotionally from her, but I wasn’t ready to lose my best friend—the girl that had turned my whole world upside down, the woman that I was in love with. I couldn’t imagine a life devoid of her existing in it somewhere.

“He approached me with sort of a favor, if you will. He asked me how I felt about his daughter. I spoke honestly and told him that I loved her with all my heart, and that I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to live without her. We both sat in the middle of a steakhouse crying like two little boys. He expressed to me that he and his wife, Sofia, would like Jacky and I to get married as soon as possible. They wanted us to try and pack a lifetime of happiness into whatever time she had left. Mr. Boyd informed me that I wouldn’t have to worry about money or work, that my life would be made, and that my only concern should be his daughter. It all made perfect sense. I adored her, I worshiped her, I loved her, and she was dying. How could I not marry her? How could I not try to give her the world? And that’s exactly what I did.

“I had no funds to buy an engagement ring, or pay for another apartment, but her parents weren’t concerned about money. They more than took care of everything. They had the money, but they couldn’t use it to buy their only daughter time and health. I honestly thought I had my whole life figured out. I’d ask Jacky to marry me and move to New York City with her after we graduated. Her parents had already purchased a place that was waiting for us. She would get the best treatment money could buy, be close to her friends and family, we would finally play house for all to see, and I would start working in her father’s law firm. Simple, right?”

“So what happened next? When did you and Joella meet? Did you get married?”

I hear Kali sigh with impatience as I try to imagine her. I’m about to tell her the part where I met her grandmother, but I can’t tell her everything yet, it still won’t make sense.

“I had the ring in my pocket the night I met your grandmother. I had just gone upstairs to use the bathroom and this old, graceful woman that had been a permanent fixture at the BlackGod bar spoke to me. I wasn’t sure at first if she was actually talking to me, but she got up and beckoned for me to follow her to the other side of the drapes. I immediately protested and told her I didn’t want or need a reading, and that I didn’t believe in fortunetellers, but she knew my name and her words compelled me to oblige.

“She took my hands, and the minute I looked into her eyes, my whole life changed. She spoke about things she couldn’t have possibly known. She opened wounds that I’ve kept closed and hidden from everyone, including myself. I had no choice but to accept and believe every word she gave me. If it wasn’t for the things she assured me that night, I swear on everything holy I would’ve gone on with things the way I had planned. But her prophecy changed the course of my life. She planted a seed, and my actions made that seed grow and unravel, and ultimately, ruin lives. I promise, I will tell you her prophecy word for word once you hear all sides of my story, but not yet. It will make more sense after you know all the choices that I made along the road to hell.”

“Jeff, I want to hear everything the way you want me to hear it. You don’t need to explain or apologize. This is your story, your life.”

This girl will make me fall in love with her if she’s not careful. I imagine my sexy juror curled up in bed while I whisper in her ear stories I wish were someone else’s.

“Don’t stop, tell me more,” she incites me.

“I proposed to Jacqueline the same night I met your grandmother, which was a few weeks before we graduated. After finally having semi-drunk sex for the first time in over a year, I said, ‘Jacqueline Catherine Boyd, will you marry me?’ I’d been kissing her shoulder from behind—a much thinner and bonier shoulder than the last time I had her naked inside my arms—she wasn’t well. I fetched the ring from under the pillow and held it out for her to inspect and realize that this wasn’t a joke. I knew what I was doing. I was dead serious.

“She immediately said no. Her voice was strong, not an ounce of hesitation. She actually said, ‘
No way, Jeff
.’ I knew she would say that. She didn’t even want us to date, and there I was asking her to get married. At that point, I was aware that most of her reserve concerning our relationship stemmed from her deteriorating health. I wasn’t going to tell her that I knew about her disease. I wasn’t going to sell Michelle or her father out. I wanted her to be the one to tell me about the cancer herself. I couldn’t have her think it was somehow a pity proposal, which it wasn’t. I didn’t want her to think it was a make-a-wish kind of offer. I mean, obviously, if she wasn’t sick and dying, I probably would’ve waited and dated her properly for all to see and try to get our lives on track before tying the knot, but we didn’t have time. She had a ticking time bomb living inside her, and I had all the time in the world. This was the right thing to do. I wanted to give her everything, but the reality was that I could only give her love and memories for whatever time she had left on this earth.

“We didn’t sleep all night and negotiated the terms for our marriage like the juvenile lawyers that we were. That night, through lots of tears and pain, she told me everything. I finally fully understood that she was never pushing me away or rejecting me for all those years, like my ego had once chosen to believe. She loved me and had honestly thought she was safeguarding me in her own fucked-up way.

“Jacqueline said that she was the one with cancer and it was her burden to deal with it alone. She didn’t want it to be everybody’s problem. ‘
I didn’t want to be the sick girl who’s dying
,’ she explained. She was sick and she just wanted to feel like a regular college girl who recklessly got to be promiscuous with a boy, and not the girl who was battling to live. She pretended from the first day we met that she was healthy, normal, just another student, even though she was dying inside. She wasn’t just lying to me—she even kept the cancer from her freaking parents for all those years. The only person who knew the truth all along was her friend, Michelle. I think Jacky was going crazy trying to cope on her own for all those years and finally needed someone else to share the burden she was forced to live with and help her be strong. She even made Michelle sign a confidentiality agreement.”

“Wow, I can’t believe she was dealing with something as serious as cancer on her own. She sounds like a tough woman.” Kali correctly appraises Jacky.

“She tried to be strong and optimistic; however, everything changed and became critical when she got her last results. Her type of cancer hadn’t responded to the treatment she was undergoing, and with the horrible prognosis that accompanied her last visit to the oncologist, I think it ultimately hit her that her time was running out. And that’s when she finally allowed her family and me to help her and be by her side for the rest of her battle.

“Jacqueline swore that she always loved me and wanted me to be hers in every possible way, but she thought it was unfair to inconvenience me with her disease. That night, she described in great detail what it was like to have a terminal disease and what kind of life we’d have before reluctantly accepting my ring. She warned me about the chemo, the radiation, the surgeries, the hospitals, and eventually her death. She presented every disclaimer and warning you could think of, but I didn’t care. I made a vow that I would make whatever was left of her life the best for her.

“Eddie, Michelle, and all our other friends were happy and sad for us, knowing what kind of shitty hand Jacky and I were dealt. Knowing that our happiness had an expiration date. Nevertheless, we promised to try and have a normal life and enjoy every day together, however long that would be, and fight the cancer together as husband and wife.”

Kali listens to every word of mine, swallowing whatever information I choose to feed her in whatever order I choose to present it. I’m thankful to be the one telling her my fucked-up story. I know if someone else narrated my life, she probably wouldn’t be on the phone with me, looking at my picture and thinking that I’m a good guy.
Tick-tock, tick-tock
… she’ll know the whole truth soon enough.

“
All Through the Night
” by Cyndi Lauper

M
y heart slowly breaks as I hold my breath and listen to every word that comes out of Jeff’s mouth. It’s one thing to lose a person you love in an accident, but to know that they’re dying and agree to watch them fade away is a whole level of love and devotion that I’ve never experienced. He keeps dropping hints that he did something wrong by the way he tries to defend his life choices, but his actions seem noble and pure. Perhaps I’m missing something in his story telling?

The way he described Jacqueline, I can’t help but like her. His wife sounded like an amazing woman. She kept the pain to herself for all those years in an attempt to unburden her family and the man she loved. I’m not sure I’d be that strong if something as horrible as cancer were to plague me. From everything he’s told me, she sounded like a selfless saint. I bet that when people looked at her, they assumed she had it made—attractive, smart, rich, with a gorgeous husband … yet the truth was that she was dying.

My grand-mère evidently played an important role in his life, yet my imagination does nothing to help me predict what she could’ve possibly said to him to have the negative impact he keeps implying. Obviously, he lost his wife, but I still don’t know exactly when or how anything that Joella once said to him could’ve had such a harmful bearing on his life?

“What are you thinking about?” His sexy, tired voice comes in softly. We’ve been on the phone for over an hour and I could easily get addicted to his voice.

I have no desire to pretend with him. I want honesty, and that’s what I give him. “I’m getting impatient. I want to know everything the second the questions pop into my head.” I draw imaginary question marks on my covers, knowing it won’t help ease the plethora of questions that keep adding up with every piece of information he provides me. However, I can’t help but wonder.

He sounds sleepy as he assures me that more answers are coming. “Believe me, I want you to know everything there is to know about me, but I can’t lie and tell you that I don’t care what you’ll think of me once you know. It’s different now. You’re not just a pretty girl I met at some bar. You’re you, and I’ve had a taste of you. I care what you think and I don’t just want for you to know my past—I want to make you understand it. Only then you can judge me, after allowing me to present all the facts on the table.”