Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) (3 page)

“
Dancing with Myself
” by Billy Idol

I
’m not passed out; I’m just pretending to sleep, and with any luck, never wake up—but so far I’ve failed. I don’t need to choose anymore. When I’m drunk, I can pretend to be two different people and that I still have them both. Pretend I’m not a worthless bastard who couldn’t make a decision. Fucked in the brain—that’s what I am, but I still comprehend that I’ll never be with the women I love, ever again. My spectacle of a life needs to be over, and I’m ready to let the curtains close. I don’t give a shit. I’m done trying to go on with this miserable existence—I’ve had enough.

My kids need a mother. They don’t need me. They’re better off without me since the only good part of me died with Jacqueline three days ago, and the other part of me was already dead the day I saw Sara in his arms. I knew he wouldn’t leave her alone. I knew it in that one moment, in the way he looked at her, that if he had gotten a small taste of my lifeline, he would never let her go.

Sara, Sara, fucking Sara.
Will that name ever not make my insides ache with guilt?
Why are you etched so deep in my goddamn useless soul that I can’t even take a breath without breathing you in?
He doesn’t know her, he doesn’t deserve her, he doesn’t understand that she can’t love him. She will always be mine; there is nothing or no one who can make her un-love me, us, or what we should’ve had. I’ve tried unloving her my entire meaningless life, and all I’ve managed is to love her even more. This should be our time, not theirs. That fortuneteller predicted that we would be together—not them. She should be in my arms, letting me love her for the whole world to finally see. William Knight, a fucking child, another British piece of shit she found to hurt me. He made sure to call me to send his condolences and tell me that when I see
his
fiancée, I should congratulate her on their upcoming wedding.
How could she agree to marry him?
Does the universe think I need to be punished more? Losing my wife, my best friend, isn’t enough heartache, so it made sure I’ve lost Sara, too? We waited half our lives for this moment in time, and now, I wish I were the one being buried, and not Jacqueline.

I can’t fucking be around her and see her in the same room as our kids and watch as they bury my best friend. I wasn’t supposed to lose them both. Doesn’t she know it wasn’t my plan for us to be apart for all those years? Didn’t she understand that I couldn’t leave Jacqueline? How was I suppose to leave a piece of my heart, the girl I couldn’t imagine living without, the girl I never dreamed could love me back and be my wife for as many years as she was? Jacqueline was supposed to leave me; me leaving her was never an option. My head knew what was right, and I’m lucky I got to have those years with her. And Sara had agreed, she understood, she’d promised to never stop loving me. I did everything I could to keep them both happy. I tried,
God
how I tried, but I couldn’t be in two places at once. I love nothing and no one like I love my family—Jacqueline, Sara, Juliet, and Jacob—they’re my whole fucking life. I couldn’t leave Jacqueline when she was sick, and I couldn’t choose Sara when she’d lost all hope.

Most men can’t find one girl to love, and I somehow found two exquisite women who were my whole goddamn world. Now I’ve lost them both, and this worthless existence is finished, done, over, finito.
I lost everything.
How did I manage to fuck it all up for us?
Timing,
it’s all about timing. What if Sara wasn’t fifteen when we’d met? What if I never came back to see her on her birthday? What if I didn’t talk to that old fortuneteller that night?
What if? What if? What if?
The truth is, I wouldn’t change a thing. Loving them both didn’t feel wrong; it felt right. It was my purpose.
Timing!
It’s all about fucking timing. If I hadn’t left her alone that night in The Pierre hotel two years ago to go back home to Jacky, she and William wouldn’t have met. She would be in my arms right now and we would finally get our chance at happiness, and that old gypsy woman’s words would finally materialize. I would never be happy that Jacky is gone, but I know I did the best I could and loved her with all that I had until her last breath.

I picture Sara’s lovely face, but then I remember the way she looked at him. Did she ever look at me that way? That night when I came back to the hotel to see her, I’d stood there like a stupid stranger, an intruder, watching them in their own world. I had no choice but to tell him about our kids, in the hopes of him leaving her alone. But the way she’d frantically called after him when he handed her back to me and left—did she ever fight for me like that? Ever since that day at The Pierre, I knew that my dreams of the promised future I’d always imagined would never come to be, and I’ve been dying a slow, painful death ever since.

They don’t belong together. They have no right getting married. How I’ve dreamt to one day make her my wife for the world to see. I want a chance to make her smile like she did that night we first made love in New York. I want the whole fucking world to know how much I love her and our kids … and yet, I’d made sure to never show anybody how I felt about her—
feel
about her. I kept her tucked away like a precious jewel, afraid someone would take her away from me—someone like him. Sara doesn’t even care that we have kids together. She stopped waiting and never fought for us; she just effortlessly walked right into his fucking arms.
She should be in my arms.
I thought having children together would cement our lives and be enough to keep her from ever doubting how much I love her, but she needed more. It wasn’t fair to make her wait, but I couldn’t do a thing. I had no fucking choice. I’m a selfish piece of shit, and in a twisted way, I loved them both. I couldn’t hurt them—or me—and let either of them go. I’m lost without them—
both
of them.

I sink into the couch, clutching the bottle of tequila like a newborn baby. I look at the bed on my left; it’s perfectly made and hasn’t been touched in years. It mocks me and my fantasy of a life with Sara. I look around at the place I’ve designed for Sara, knowing these walls have seen a sea of heartache at my orchestrating. I close my eyes in pain while I hide from everyone and myself inside an imaginary world I once shared with Sara. I’m inside the apartment that Sara sold two years ago after our children’s custody hearing; only I found out two days ago that it was Jacqueline who secretly bought it. My wife left me the key inside her letter and commanded me to be the man she married and go after and fight for what is rightfully mine. I was supposed to bring my family back together and set my life to music. But I lost them both and now all I hear is silence.

“J
eff, you up, buddy? Can you hear me?” Eddie’s voice filters in as he shakes me.
Fuck.
I hope we don’t have an exam today.
Wait, crap, I didn’t study for any tests!

I frantically jump out of bed as my old, worthless brain tries to clear through the alcoholic haze I’ve been drowning in for days. My mind slowly begins to comprehend that I’m not a poor, twenty-three-year-old law student oversleeping for some exam after a night of partying, but I’m a thirty-nine-year-old attorney who’s just lost everything and hiding out in what was once his secret portal.

I’m almost one hundred percent sure that I’m not hallucinating, and that the person fixed before me is not a mirage but Eddie Klein, my former best friend
. How did he find me? How did he get in?
This man standing next to me, I would trust with my life, even knowing that he hates me for loving and ruining his little sister’s life. I hate me, too, so I can’t blame him for trying to protect the people he loves. I would protect Sara for the rest of my life if she’d let me. I never should’ve kept my feelings for his beautiful sister away from him. I should’ve told him from the start how I couldn’t stop thinking about her, that I cared and respected her, how I wouldn’t touch her until she was legal. I should’ve told him that at eighteen, she made the conscious decision to love me back. If he’d known about us, maybe he would do a better job at keeping her away from me? Maybe he would explain to Sara that I loved Jacqueline from the beginning of time and that she should find a good guy, someone who will only love her?
Maybe, maybe, maybe, enough
!

I shake the worthless thoughts out of my mind. I loved Jacqueline, and it was my responsibility to make whatever life she had left good and happy. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I didn’t intend to love them both and lead Sara on for all those years. I had no right promising his sister anything. My heart always belonged to Jacky first; she was my best friend. What we had to live through … I couldn’t let my best friend go through that alone. I never abandoned either of them; they were just different parts of me. And I became dependent on both of them to function. I just wish I hadn’t hurt everybody the way I did.

Sometimes I wish I was never born; they’d all be better off without me.

I just stare at Eddie as the memories of my youth flood my veins like fire torching what’s left of me. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time, and yet I’m almost certain nothing would change.

“Hello again, Jeffery Rossi.”

My stomach churns the second I hear that wretched British accent as I turn to meet his glare. The bastard who stole a piece of my heart; the boy who gave her everything I never could.
Why is he fucking here? Is this one of my nightmares?
As I take a shaky step toward the British fucker who ruined my life, I instinctively want to punch him and erase that victorious smile off his happy face. Mentally, I pound his face in, yet in reality, I try and swing my fist with all my strength, but I’m too weak to even lift my arm in the first place. My head weighs a ton and keeps bobbing back and forth.
This is an illusion; it’s not real life.
I look up as I feel myself being carried by some big guy, and as he callously drops my naked body down on the couch, I realize it’s the one and only Louis Bruel.

“Eddie, he’s fucked. Let’s get him some OJ and coffee—he needs food. I don’t know what kind of shit he’s on, but we need to get him cleaned up.” Louis barks orders at Eddie.
Bossy motherfucker, always telling everybody what to do.

“E, don’t listen to him. I don’t need food. Get me some vodka with ice and a lemon,” I mumble as the three of them gawk back at me in silence. “What do you jerks want from me, anyway? Eddie, E, my boy, my brother, my best friend in the whole wide world, we haven’t seen each other since that fucking custody hearing. And you, Louis, last time I saw you, it was at your stupid penthouse inside The Pierre hotel where you fucking talked me into going back home and leaving my Sara to calm down and run into this fucker’s arms again. You guys are no good for me. Thank you for coming; now leave. I’ll get my own vodka.”

If my body wasn’t so limp, and if I had the strength, I’d throw them all out. I can think but I can’t move. Her pretty-boy keeps looking at me. He won’t stop staring me down like he wants to tell me something. He wants to rub my face in him having won—by stealing what was rightfully mine.

“You see something you like, asshole? In America, it’s not polite to stare at someone’s dick. If you have something to say to me, fucking say it and get the fuck out. I can’t stand looking at you with that dirty smirk. I-I-I should’ve killed you for trespassing on private property that night in that hotel.” Just another rich bastard who gets to have whatever he wants, even if it’s not his. Our children could’ve had both their parents together if it wasn’t for him. How could she be with him?

“Do you have no shame?” he finally says with that holier-than-thou tone of voice.

“Shame? Did you just question my shame, motherfucker? I didn’t take another man’s woman like you. I’m not breaking up a family, like you. She is my life, and you just took her as if she didn’t belong to me.” He doesn’t give a shit about what he did to us, to our family.

“Sara doesn’t belong to anybody but herself, and especially not you.” He shakes his head and smiles like I said something funny.