Lost in Us

formatted by
E.M. Tippetts Book Designs

Other Books by Heidi McLaughlin

Lost in You

The Beaumont Serie
s

Forever My Girl
– Beaumont Series #1

My Everything
– Beaumont Series #1.5

My Unexpected Forever
– Beaumont Series #2

Finding My Forever
– Beaumont Series #3

Finding My Way
– Beaumont Series #4

I
wave and leave the stage. Cole offers me his arm and helps me down the ramp that leads to the dressing room, which in reality is a just fancy locker room. It’s another sell-out crowd in one of the largest venues in the United States and I don’t remember a single moment of it. I’m not ungrateful for what’s been afforded to me, but I’m bitter. The title of
America’s Sweetheart
has run its course, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. It’s not the fans’ faults, or even my manager’s. I can’t blame the media or the record label. The blame falls solely on my shoulders and those of my ex-fiancé, Ryan Stone. Except he doesn’t accept any blame for the demise of our five year relationship.

My personal assistant and best friend extraordinaire, Alex, sits in my sunflower-filled dressing room rocking her newborn daughter. It’s crazy how the relationship between Alex and Cole – who I also once dated – garners more headlines than my being single for the past year. Ryan used to be a staple at my shows when we first got engaged. That was until his job became more and more important. I suppose the less the media saw of him, the less they cared. They just want to know how I can cope with the fact that my best friend married my ex and are both on tour with me. It’s easy; Alex and Cole were meant to be together, and we’re family.

Sitting down in front of the large mirror, I stare back at the woman I am now. Not too long ago, I thought of myself as a young girl, but that ship has sailed. I’m fighting gravity and losing the battle every day. The dark bags under my eyes aren’t being cured by the cool cucumber slices I cover them with each and every morning. Gray hairs seem to rear their ugly heads seconds before a photo shoot, and the crow’s feet are driving me nuts. I shouldn’t look or feel this way, but that’s what stress does.

When you lose the love of your life because you can’t find a happy medium, because neither of you can compromise and because neither of you are willing to give up your careers, it causes an unhealthy amount of stress. Stress leads to the rapid aging process that I’m experiencing now.

I never thought I’d look in the mirror and be unhappy with what I see, but I am. Since Ryan left, the light in my eyes has been extinguished. The happiness in my smile is non-existent. Even when I walk, it’s without a purpose. Everyone experiences break-ups differently. Some need them in order to grow up, while others need them to escape and find themselves. I’m not sure what Ryan and I needed, except for time to stop so we could figure out what was going on. By the time either of us did, he was living in Boston and I was in New York about to embark on an eighteen-month tour with no word on whether he’d join me at any of the stops.

When your relationship is ending, you try everything you can think of to keep it together. You both make promises that neither of you can keep. Words are said that can never be taken back. Emotions are worn on your sleeve and your partner sees your pain. Your wants and needs become the “be all that ends all”, but they only work if they’re met. When you want a family and are ready to settle down but have to repeatedly change your wedding date due to the demands of your record label, your partner withdraws. The phone calls become few and far between. You resort to texting and its one-word answers. In the end you give up, even if you don’t mean to.

Most of the time, you don’t realize what’s going on around you until it’s too late. I should’ve seen the signs – they’re what make my songs so popular. I sing about true love, finding romance and experiencing heartbreak. I should’ve known. I was too naïve to think that if we made it through a break-up before we’d survive anything. Once my tour was over, we’d fix everything.

It’s been a year since I’ve spoken to Ryan Stone. Twelve months since he called and said that things aren’t working and that we wanted different things in life. I wanted children, he didn’t. He wanted me not to tour during baseball season, I did. Three hundred and sixty-five days since he told me that he’ll always love me, but that he was staying in Boston and accepting the job of General Manager of the major league baseball team, the Boston Renegades.

I glance into the mirror at Alex as she feeds her daughter. It’s hard not to be jealous of her, but I am. I could be her right now, but I chose to be alone. Cole wanted to get back together, to make a go of things, but I wasn’t in a good place in my life. I had just given up Ryan, for his own good, and needed to figure out a few things. A year with a therapist did that and while I was getting my head shrunk, Cole was falling in love with my best friend. Truth be told, I didn’t care. They fit together, but it’s hard not to be jealous when she’s holding the one thing I wanted Ryan and me to share and now never will.

I never thought the age difference would play a factor, but it did. In some ways, Ryan is still growing up, and being tied down to a wife and kids isn’t where he is in life. It’s where I’m at though and my clock is ticking, even more so now that Hayden is here and on tour. Every day I get to see my goddaughter and as much as I love her, I want my own. I want to feel the unconditional love for a child that I created with a man that I love. I want to hold him, rock him to sleep and be the first thing he sees in the morning. My desire is much stronger now than it was a year ago and I know I can do this on my own, but I don’t want to.

I’ve never, in the past nine years, stopped loving Ryan. To this day, I still wear my engagement ring. Maybe it’s because I’m not mentally healthy enough to accept that he’s gone or maybe I hope that he comes back. Neither answer is sufficient. I wear it because it reminds me of what I had and lost.

Cole comes into view and leans over Alex’s shoulder. He gently touches Hayden and her little hand shoots out of her blanket, grabbing his finger. He laughs at his daughter all while Alex gazes lovingly at her husband, both oblivious that I’m in the room. Looking at their happy family unit only hits home how much I need a change in my life.

I clear my throat. “Alex, how many days until the next show?” I ask without making eye contact for fear she’ll see what my eyes may tell her.

“You have five days. Why, what’s up?”

I stand and square my shoulders. “I’m going to head home and see my parents. I’ll meet you guys at the next stop, okay?” My voice is weak, and I can tell by her expression that she knows I’m up to something. I smile softly and walk toward my suitcase. She won’t question me with Cole in the room so if I pack quickly, I can be gone before the inquisition starts.

“You okay, Hadley girl?”

I nod, unable to answer Cole. He won’t pester me and for that I’m thankful. With my bag packed, I tell them goodbye and walk down the long corridor until I’m standing outside the venue. No one is expecting me to be outside, and I rather enjoy walking undetected with fans still trying to get out of the parking lot. I flag down a taxi and slide in the back, memories of me doing this so many years ago flashing before my eyes. I know I’m doing the right thing.