Authors: Kellie McAllen
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” Karen replied, her teasing tone not quite able to hide her own personal sorrow behind the words of the old proverb.
“We’ll make it through this, Karen, I promise.
We’ll do whatever we can to get Colby the best help there is,” Calvin assured her, shifting the baby to one arm so he could caress his wife with the other.
Karen nodded, wiping the moisture from her eyes.
“Your friend called — Sarah — I think that’s what she said.
I told her you had the baby early and were in the hospital.
She might stop by.”
The news encouraged Karen and ignited a flame of excitement in Michael.
Would he finally get to see Jessica again?
He knew it had been less that 24 hours, but it felt like a lifetime had passed.
Soon enough, the door to the NICU opened and the love of his life came prancing in, wearing her favorite purple tutu and a large white bandage around her head.
Michael’s heart squeezed as he stared at her — her rosy pink cheeks, her chubby little limbs, and her adorable smile.
She was babbling to herself as usual as she hopped and skipped towards Michael, her eyes alight with happiness, last night’s terror a distant memory.
Falla walked behind her, a satisfied look on his face, and Sarah held her hand as the two made their way towards the Conrads.
“Hi Karen,” Sarah approached with trepidation, not sure of Karen’s emotional status.
Calvin had implied that the birth had not gone smoothly, but Sarah wasn’t sure how Karen was taking it.
She couldn’t begin to imagine how it felt to learn the child you had eagerly awaited was now permanently handicapped.
“Sarah,” Karen smiled welcomingly.
“Thanks for coming.
It’s nice to see you again.”
Sarah glanced down at the infant in Karen’s arms.
His body looked healthy but something about the limp way he held his limbs made it obvious all was not as it should be.
Sarah pretended not to notice and oohed and aahed over the tiny bundle like she would any other baby.
“Do you want to see the baby?” Karen asked, bending down to Jessica’s eye level.
Jessica poked her head over Karen’s arms and stared at the tiny infant.
“This is Colby,” Karen introduced.
Jessica reached out a tentative hand and gently stroked his cheek.
“He was in your belly?” Jessica asked, staring at Karen’s noticeably less prominent abdomen.
“Uh huh.
That’s where babies grow,” Karen smiled.
“He shoulda stayed in there longer — he’s not big enough,” Jessica replied astutely, and the tension surrounding them all dissolved with their laughter.
Sarah looked knowingly in Karen’s eyes when their laughter subsided.
“Sounds like you had a rough delivery.”
Karen nodded.
“It happened so fast, there was no time to get help.
He was without oxygen for quite awhile.
They think he has cerebral palsy.”
Sarah nodded gravely.
She had heard about the devastating condition that could cripple its victims and leave them unable to live any semblance of a normal life.
Her throat squeezed with sorrow she was unable to swallow.
It was the first time Michael had heard the official diagnosis as well, but he didn’t know enough about the disease to understand the full implications.
The look on Sarah’s face told him everything he needed to know, though.
Colby’s chance at a normal life was over before it even started.
And it was all Michael’s fault.
His eyes squeezed together, trying to hold in the rush of tears that threatened to flood his face.
The pain of it all swirled around him in a crushing vortex: his guilt, the pain of giving up Jessica, the tragedy of Colby’s fate.
Michael staggered under the force of it.
Jessica was oblivious to the sadness permeating the room, and she babbled on in her high-pitched little voice, chattering away to anyone who was listening.
Michael couldn’t make out the words through the loudness of his own despair, but he soaked in her presence as she tittered around the room, exploring.
At least she was there.
At least Karen and Sarah were friends and he would have the opportunity to see her again.
He thanked God for that small miracle.
The situation was too awkward for the mothers to maintain for very long, so after a few minutes of chitchat Sarah wished Karen good luck, promised to come visit her when she came home, and said her goodbyes.
Michael stared at Jessica as she left, memorizing the way her stubby legs half-walked, half-jumped as she toddled out of the NICU, hand in hand with her mother.
chapter eight
A few months later, Michael was gradually adjusting to life in the Conrad household.
The boys were wild and rambunctious, but kind of lovable once you got to know them, and Colby was quickly earning a spot in Michael’s heart as well.
He had missed the early infant stage with Jessica, so he wasn’t quite sure what was normal, but watching Colby was pretty easy.
He spent most of the day in his crib or his mother’s arms, peacefully sleeping.
In fact, if it wasn’t for the antics of the other four Conrad boys, Michael would be pretty bored.
He was used to the constant peril a curious toddler provoked.
He wished he had more things to do to keep him busy.
To keep him from missing Jessica.
Sarah had come for a few visits already, bringing baby gifts and casseroles and offering a friendly ear and a helping hand to Karen who was struggling a little with watching four active boys while trying to care for a handicapped infant.
Keeping Colby’s feeding tube clean and functioning was a totally new experience for someone who thought she had a pretty good handle on child-rearing, but Karen had learned quickly how to care for Colby and the nurses were sent home after a few days.
Michael kept a constant vigil at Colby’s bed, never leaving the child’s side, no matter how intrigued he was by the happenings in the rest of the house.
Fortunately, when Jessica came with her mother to visit, she was more interested in being with Colby than his overactive brothers.
She seemed fascinated by the tiny baby and tried desperately to illicit his attention — smiling, endlessly jabbering, and waving toys in front of his face hoping for some kind of reaction.
His responses were subtle, but all it took was a little grin to convince Jessica that he liked her.
Michael reveled in these moments together, but he didn’t quite understand why she preferred a helpless infant over playful children her own age.
He assumed it must have something to do with Emit’s revelation that Jessica and Colby were meant to be together.
Whatever the reason, Michael was just happy for the chance to see her again, to marvel at how much she had grown since her last visit, and to feed that spark of love for her that burned ceaselessly in his own heart.
He knew it would probably be better to let it go out or at least slowly burn down to nothing but embers, but he couldn’t bear the pain he felt whenever he contemplated trying to extinguish the flame.
He accepted that Jessica wasn’t meant for him, but he figured as long as she was going to be part of Colby’s life it was safe for him to hold onto his love for her.
Maybe he couldn’t be with her every minute of her life like before, but he could be with her sometimes, and it was those precious few moments that fueled his love for her and kept him going until the next time she came.
It had become a habit for Sarah and Jessica to visit the Conrads a couple times a week.
The women would drink coffee and talk about the trials of motherhood and Jessica would fawn over Colby.
She didn’t quite understand that babies weren’t capable of the same things as two year olds, especially not babies like Colby, but it didn’t stop her from trying to get Colby to play with her.
She would tickle his feet to make him laugh, lift his limp arms in a game of patty cake, and squeal “peekaboo!” over and over as she covered his eyes with her hands.
Michael would smile at how she imitated the things her mother used to do to her not so long ago.
As the years went by, Jessica and Colby both grew bigger, but only Jessica seemed to be growing up.
Colby’s responses to their playtime stayed the same despite his change in size.
Colby couldn’t talk, couldn’t walk, could barely do more than flail his useless limbs, but his eyes lit up when Jessica visited and only she could make him smile like everything was right with the world.
When Jessica turned five, the mothers’ chats turned to talk of kindergarten and Michael knew it wouldn’t be long before Jessica’s days got too busy for frequent visits to the Conrad’s house.
He was trying to prepare himself for that but something even worse was already in the works.
He had caught snippets of whispered conversations between Karen and Calvin late at night when the children were sleeping, muffled by the walls that separated their bedroom from the nursery, but the conversation between Karen and Sarah that late summer morning was like a little tear in the bottom of a plastic bag.
Such a normal word — moving — but the weight of it ripped through the flimsy sack that held his entire world, sending the contents tumbling in a thousand different directions.
“There’s a hospital in Minnesota that started a pediatric brain injury program a few years ago,” Karen explained over coffee and the slightly overcooked chocolate chip cookies Sarah had brought for their ritual tête-à-tête.
“Calvin thinks they might be able to help Colby.”
“Well, that would be wonderful, Karen, but Minnesota’s so far away.
It’s got to be at least an eight hour drive.
And if they can help him wouldn’t he need quite a few visits?
How would you make that work?” Sarah wondered.
“We’re going to take the whole family up for a few days next week for Colby’s initial consultation.
Make a vacation out of it.
But if they say they can help Colby, we’ll probably move,” Karen explained.
Michael’s hopes for the future crumbled and fell through his fingers like crumbs from the overdone cookies the women were eating.
As much as he loved Colby, he found himself desperately hoping there was nothing the Gillette Children’s Hospital could do for him.
Sarah looked almost as shocked by the news as Michael felt and the conversation faltered as she contemplated the ramifications.
Sarah hated to lose her closest friend, but she could never begrudge her for wanting the best for her son.
She tried to sound hopeful for Karen’s sake, but she found it hard to imagine there was a way Colby could ever lead any kind of normal life.
She was glad the doctor’s appointment she had scheduled for that morning would cut her visit a little short, because she wasn’t quite sure what else to say.
Michael was a wreck for the next few days as the trip to Minnesota approached.
Under any other circumstances he would’ve been ecstatic at the chance to see the sights and explore another part of the world he usually found so fascinating, but all he could think about was the possibility of losing Jessica.
As they listened to the doctor speak, each word was a sledgehammer, knocking another hole in the crumbly plaster walls that were holding Michael’s world together.
Words like spasticity evaluation, rehabilitative therapy, and neuromuscular electrical stimulation all tore such giant chunks that Michael knew the walls were about to fall.
Meanwhile the doctor and the Conrads smiled and rejoiced as they imagined the possibilities for Colby’s future and their happiness flooded Michael with guilt as he realized he should be celebrating this new development not mourning it.
The Conrads decided to extend their stay in St. Paul for another few days as they researched homes for sale in the area and soon Mrs. Conrad had fallen in love with a beautiful Victorian with a backyard big enough for her rowdy brood to host their own football league.
Gingerbread trim decorated every corner of the pale blue and yellow exterior and a wide wraparound porch inspired fantasies of warm summer evenings spent relaxing in rocking chairs, watching the boys catch fireflies in the yard.
With fall on it’s way, the Conrads were anxious to get settled before the start of school, so they made an offer and hurried home to start packing.
Karen was excited to tell Sarah all about the revolutionary new treatments the hospital was pioneering to assist cerebral palsy victims in the quest for rehabilitation, but she knew the move would probably mean the end of their friendship.
Long distance calls were expensive and once Colby’s treatment began she was unlikely to have much time for anything else.
She would miss the companionship they had developed and she knew Colby would miss seeing Jessica.
No one could make him smile like she did.
She was pretty much his favorite person in the whole world.
He would make new friends in Minnesota, she assured herself, maybe even some kids with CP like himself.
Kids who shared his limitations and would make him feel like he wasn't the only one who had them.