Authors: Sarah Porter
“Oh, Luce!” It was Catarina’s voice, but Luce couldn’t open her eyes at first. Everything ached. “ Luce! Wake up!” At least three pairs of hands were holding her, lifting her off the rock, and Luce finally pulled herself out of the dark half- dream and looked around. It was night, and a group of the oldest mermaids was holding her. A search party, Luce decided.
They actually cared enough to come looking for her, then.
She almost couldn’t believe it. They really
cared
if she disappeared. Luce was flooded with gratitude, with a sense of finally having found someplace she belonged. After her father’s disappearance she’d come to believe that she would stay lost forever; yet here was Catarina staring at her with furious tenderness.
Catarina’s face flickered between different expressions: anger i 75
and relief and happiness. “ Luce, are you determined to get yourself killed? Why didn’t you come with us?” They started swimming slowly now, Catarina holding her on her left and Samantha on her right, so that all their heads stayed above the water.
“Look at that,” Miriam said behind them. “She’s covered in bruises. What was she doing?”
Luce was finally conscious enough to talk. “I’m okay. I just tried . . .” Luce shook the red, bubbling memory away. “Thank you for coming to look for me.”
“Of
course
we came.” Catarina sounded indignant. “Am I going to have to rescue you every day? Luce, you need to be more careful. It’s like you don’t understand how dangerous it is here, even though I keep on trying to get that through your head. When are you going to start listening?” Catarina was nagging her like a worried mother, Luce realized, and she couldn’t help smiling to herself. Samantha glanced over just in time to see the smile.
“I think she likes making you save her,” Samantha sniped in her cold, ringing voice. “We could get home a lot faster if she’s ready to dive.”
Luce plunged under the water, but she couldn’t swim as fast as usual. Her body was too sore. The others zipped ahead, but Catarina stayed beside her, rippling along at a deliberately languorous pace, and Luce knew Catarina was looking after her.
Making sure she made it home safely.
If the cave was her home, Luce decided, then that must mean Catarina was her family. She wouldn’t judge Catarina any more than she’d judged her father. How could you consider someone you love bad, no matter what anybody else might think?
Catarina kept glancing over at her as they swam. It was differ-76 i LOST VOICES
ent this time, though: as if Catarina were calculating something, adding up numbers only she could see.
When they came near the cave’s entrance Catarina caught Luce’s hand and guided her to the surface. They floated upright facing each other in a spot where the shore bent close around them. A few enormous stars flared through a gash in the clouds, and their light leaped in white sparks on the jet black water.
Catarina’s gray eyes were so close to Luce’s that she felt like she was falling into a twisting, gleaming pool.
“We need to talk, Luce,” Catarina said. “Before we go back in. I need you to be honest with me.” There was a shiver of music in her voice; it made Luce want to tell her everything, and Luce fought it. There were some things she could
never
say. She waited. “ Luce, were you
trying
to die? Tell me.” The question shocked Luce into a new, cold wakefulness. Why would Catarina think that Luce was suicidal?
“No! Catarina, I wasn’t . . . I’m really happy to be with you, really, but there were all those larvae out there, and you told me that the timahk . . . So I was trying to save one of them.” Luce was ashamed to admit what had happened. She hadn’t swum well, and because of that the larva had died. “Somehow I couldn’t swim straight while I was holding her, and then the orcas were right there. I slammed into one of them . . .” Luce couldn’t bear to tell the rest of the story, but it was clear from the strain on Catarina’s face that she could guess what must have happened next.
“The timahk does
not
require you to endanger yourself, Luce.” Catarina sounded much gentler than Luce would have expected, and also relieved. “And there’s really no point trying to save i 77
larvae. I know it’s a painful thing to accept, but they’re not made to survive for long in the sea. It’s not just the orcas. If there’s a storm they can get thrown onto the beach, for instance, and then they never make it back to the water in time . . .” Luce was silent, thinking of the dead little girl she’d found.
Her closed eyelids had been faintly iridescent, like mother of pearl . . . Suddenly she thought of something: none of the mermaids ever seemed to let their tails leave the water for more than a few seconds. And there was a cold, painful burning in her own tail whenever the air touched it. Even leaping into the air, the way they’d done earlier, had sent a stinging prickle through her scales.
“What happens then?” Luce asked. “I mean, to a mermaid who can’t make it back to the water?”
Catarina winced and rubbed one hand across her forehead.
Apparently this was a difficult subject.
“It’s awful, Luce. What happens when one of us gets stuck out in the air like that. I hope you never have to see it.” Her eyes were still turned toward Luce, but there was a seething blank-ness in them that told Luce she was thinking of something else now. Then Catarina focused again with an obvious effort and flashed Luce a slow, aching smile. “So, do you promise to start taking better care of yourself? We don’t want to lose you, you know.” Catarina kept her voice light, but Luce could hear how seriously she meant it.
“I promise,” Luce agreed, and Catarina smiled. “I’ll be way more careful, and I’ll listen to everything you tell me. From now on.” It had been so long since anyone had asked her to promise anything; it felt wonderful to say those words. “But, Catarina? I 78 i LOST VOICES
really need to know what happens. Before we go back in. You need to tell me what happens to a mermaid who gets washed up.” Catarina stared at her. She was wavering between rage and concern, and odd unfinished expressions darted across her face.
“ Luce, do you have a good reason for asking me this?” Luce stared back at her, and Catarina must have recognized her urgency, because after another moment of hesitation she continued. “Well, they almost always die. Not absolutely always. At least that’s what I’ve heard. But the pain is unbelievable. Just try holding your tail out of the water sometime, and you’ll see what I mean right away. You won’t be able to stand it for long.
It’s so terrible that the mermaids who go through it die of shock.
The pain stops their hearts . . .”
Luce couldn’t help recognizing that Catarina was holding something back, so she decided to ask her outright. “Do we turn human again? Catarina, is that what happens? As our tails dry out . . .” From the flash in Catarina’s eyes Luce knew she’d guessed the truth. “I found a dead little girl on the beach right before I changed. And her skin looked like ours, with that green shine.
And they said she hadn’t drowned, that there was no water in her lungs at all, and they couldn’t understand where she’d come from.” The words rushed out now. “I keep thinking that she must have been one of us, or a larva anyway . . .” Then Luce remembered what Gum had said.
Fish girl.
He’d seen that little mermaid before her tail changed back!
“It
killed
her, Luce,” Catarina murmured. “She died in unspeakable agony. And she didn’t even get to die as a mermaid, but just as one of those . . .” She grimaced and looked off, and Luce wondered if it was really the larval mermaid Catarina was i 79
thinking of. “Let’s head back to the cave. It’s better if we don’t keep talking about this.”
Luce knew enough to let the subject drop. She remembered what Samantha had said: that it wasn’t just her human past that Catarina couldn’t stand to be reminded of but also some things that had happened to her after she’d changed. Luce thought of Catarina’s slight, delicate accent, and wondered where she’d come from originally. And was this her first tribe, or had she lived in other places before, like Miriam?
They dove together, down through the underwater tunnel, and Catarina seemed remote and somber, though she still glanced over now and then with that brooding look on her face. An inexplicable idea occurred to Luce: Catarina
needed
her, in a way that she didn’t need any of the others. Then Luce told herself that she was just being conceited, thinking something like that.
Catarina must care equally about all the girls in her tribe. After all, she was their queen.
* * *
But Luce almost forgot all her tangled thoughts when their faces broke through the water of the cave. Samantha and Miriam had already brought the news that Luce had been found alive, and they were all waiting to welcome her. She was surrounded by girls who laughed, and swirled over to hug her, and to tell her how crazy she’d been. They fussed over her bruises and agreed she should rest for a day or two.
And then they rolled apart, to make room for her to sleep next to Catarina. It seemed to be understood now that she and Catarina belonged together. Gratefully Luce curled up next 80 i LOST VOICES
to her friend, and after a moment she leaned her head over to nestle against that smooth gold- white shoulder. Luce gazed up into the darkness of the cave, watching the soft green phosphorescence; an isolated star gleamed through one of the holes in the roof.
She couldn’t sleep. The mermaids around her didn’t breathe steadily in the way sleeping humans would, but every now and then Luce would hear a single deep inhalation from somewhere in the darkness.
She couldn’t sleep, and the intolerable idea that had nagged at her all day suddenly took over her mind. It insisted on blotting out all her other thoughts and refused to let her look away.
The
High and Mighty
had disappeared somewhere out here.
Not a trace of it had ever been found. Maybe the violent storm that day had shattered her father’s ship, drowned all the men.
Or maybe the storm had had some help. Maybe one of her new friends had sung into her father’s desperate face until he forgot all about the daughter waiting for him back at home. Sung to him in her sweet, wild voice until death was the only thing he desired . . .
Maybe
Catarina
had. And Catarina’s shoulder was pressed like cold silk against Luce’s cheek.
Luce sat up and looked around her. The mermaids’ faces shimmered softly in the darkness. They looked so innocent, all sleeping together that way. Any human, Luce knew, would look at them with wonder, with helpless adoration. They were simply too lovely to be real.
Luce closed her eyes, and then slowly, stealthily, she raised her tail from the sea. It was still heavy, but she had much better i 81
control of it now. An icy draft blew down from the roof, licking the drops from her scales.
At first the burning sensation was almost pleasurable. It was a shivering mixture of heat and chills, and Luce began to wonder if Catarina had told her the truth. Catarina hated humans so much that it wouldn’t have surprised Luce if she’d lied just to make sure that Luce would never try to change back.
Then the pain bit into her. A million burning teeth gnawed at her tail, slashing razors made of pure sun cut her, and light began to flash in Luce’s eyes. It took all her strength to stop herself from screaming, and with a gasp she let her tail fall again.
The pain was so stunning that for a while all Luce could do was lie trembling in the lapping water while hot tears welled in her eyes.
There was truly no going back. Not even if she’d had any place she could go. Not even if this wasn’t the only place on earth where anyone cared about her at all.
To survive, Luce thought, she needed to make some rules for herself. She needed her own personal timahk.
She could still think about her father, Luce decided, though it might be better if she didn’t let herself think about him too much. It wouldn’t be fair to expect she could forget everything about being human.
But she could never again allow herself to wonder about one thing, and that was the way her father might have died.
82 i LOST VOICES
6
The Last Kiss
For the next few days they all insisted that Luce stay in the cave. She was too bruised to swim as well as she should, and if any predators came it wouldn’t be safe. They brought her food and sometimes one of them would linger and talk for a while, answering her questions or telling her stories. They didn’t ask her much in return; she hadn’t been a mermaid for long enough to have anything to say about that, and Luce found out quickly that it was considered rude to ask another mermaid about her human life, at least beyond the glimpses you could see by just looking sideways. They knew about her uncle, of course; they could see that much. But no one ever asked about her parents, and she never said anything about her wandering life in the red van before she’d come to Pittley. Luce was glad that she didn’t have to explain too much. She’d made a decision to keep everything about her father as secret as she could.
i 83
Luce found out, too, that she was happy to be left alone sometimes, in the cool and the darkness. It was hard to think clearly with so many chattering girls around, and then so much had happened to her over the last several days that she wanted some time just to wonder about all of it. She swam slow circles in the calm water of the cave, skimming along just above the pebbles at the bottom and watching the fragile, milky, long- legged crabs whose bodies were trans Lucent and whose tapering feet looked almost like pink glass. There were tiny drifting medusas, too, with crystalline gelatinous frills around cobalt blue hearts, and dagger- thin fish that sometimes hovered in place and sometimes sliced away from her. She loved everything, watched everything.
There was another reason Luce was glad to be left alone.
She couldn’t forget the splendor of the song that had coursed through her the night she’d changed. Her longing to merge with that music again was so intense that Luce felt a bit embarrassed at the thought of anyone noticing how much it meant to her. She hadn’t forgotten either how edgy the mention of singing always made Catarina; it might be better to keep any singing she did strictly private.