Authors: Sarah Porter
She started spending more time alone, grappling with the music that lived in her, and as time went by controlling it got just a little easier.
The days were lengthening rapidly now, and the nights were starting to dwindle. Their darkness had softened from the black of winter into the color of deepest twilight.
* * *
A week after Luce saw the yacht she was in the main cave with Rachel, Dana, and a few other mermaids she didn’t know very well. Dana was encouraging Rachel to practice singing.
148 i LOST VOICES
“Everyone says you’re going to be really good, Rachel, but you have to keep working on it. Okay?” Rachel looked terrified, as usual, but Luce knew she worshiped Dana and wouldn’t want to disappoint her. Rachel opened her mouth. At once an enormous, devastating sound leaped out of it, metallic and savage, spinning with dark chords. Rachel threw herself backward with a splash as if she thought her own voice was an attacking lion, and then cowered and gasped. She reached to shove up her glasses, forgetting that her eyes had been perfect since her change and she didn’t wear them anymore. Luce couldn’t help smiling at Rachel’s reaction. She’d almost felt that way herself sometimes.
“Oh, Dana.” Rachel was sobbing. “I can’t! I can’t stand it!
I can feel it; it wants to take me over . . . Like it’s going to eat me up, from the inside . . .”
“I’ve had that problem, too,” Luce said gently. “I’ve been working on getting more of a hold on it. You want me to show you, Rachel?” Rachel looked over through her tears, shaking her head in alarm, but Dana was interested.
“I want to see if Rachel doesn’t,” Dana said. “ ’Cause my voice gets away from me, too. I’ve been wondering how you guys all deal.” Luce smiled, and saw that Rachel was still peering curiously.
“Just try and hold one note,” Luce suggested. “Like, it’ll put up a fight, but just hold it steady for as long as you can . . .” Dana tried, and at first her voice jumped away. Her song was so different from Rachel’s, lulling and warm, like being sung to sleep by the perfect mother. After a few tries Dana managed to keep her voice in one long, constant hum.
i 149
“Wow, is that hard!” Dana said at last, breaking off the note with a gasp. They hadn’t moved at all, but she was out of breath from the sheer effort it had taken her to maintain control.
“It is like having some kind of weird animal inside you, isn’t it?”
“That’s because it’s magic,” Rachel whimpered, but she couldn’t keep the curiosity out of her eyes as she added, “Dana, I don’t
like
it.”
“I’m going to try that again,” Dana said after a moment.
“See, Rachel, I bet it’s going to be a lot more fun if it doesn’t feel, I don’t know, like the song is just pushing you around.” Then Dana added something unexpected. “I’m so sick of being told what to do! Jenna just keeps getting bossier, now that she’s, like, second in command here.” She didn’t seem to be aware of how her words affected Luce. For a second Luce found herself fantasizing about sinking another boat, a bigger one, even a container ship; everyone would see who was
really
second in command then! Then the implications of the fantasy sank in, and Luce felt sick with shame. How could she be so exhilarated at the idea of killing people?
“I’ll try this time, too,” Rachel said. Luce was surprised, and relieved to have something to distract her from the awful thoughts that had just been crowding her mind. “ Luce, how do I do it? I mean, you say to hold it. But it’s way too big to hold.
Like it’s going to
maul
me . . .”
Luce let out a very small low note then smiled at Rachel.
“Just try to copy me, okay? I’ll sing one note, really softly, and when you feel ready you can join in. Okay?” Luce’s new method made it easier for both Rachel and Dana to keep a handle on their voices. After an hour she was leading them in a run of a few notes, the beginning of a new little song 150 i LOST VOICES
she’d been practicing alone, and Rachel’s terror seemed to be leaving her. Other mermaids swam in now and then, watched for a while in disbelief, and then dove out again. Luce didn’t pay much attention. She was too absorbed now, in coaxing Dana and Rachel carefully through the opening notes of Rachel’s own ferocious song; it took all of Luce’s concentration to keep the song from overwhelming all three of them.
“You see, Cat!” The voice was Samantha’s, and it was almost spitting with vindictive glee. “I told you what she’s doing!
Luce is teaching them
singing!
”
Luce was confused, but she was even more annoyed. There was nothing in the timahk about not teaching singing, after all.
But when she met Catarina’s icy gray stare Luce could see she was upset. It didn’t seem fair, and Luce braced herself to listen to a burst of irrational rage. Then she noticed something else.
Catarina was furious, yes. But she was also doing her best to pretend not to be.
“What do I care?” Catarina snarled, and her rage was directed not at Luce but at Samantha. “It would be fantastic, of course, if Luce could actually succeed in teaching them anything.
But all she’s doing is wasting her own time, and Dana’s . . .”
“She’s taught me a lot!” Rachel objected in her shrill, pan-icky, mouselike speaking voice. “She’s taught me a lot already!
I’m not as scared to sing now. Luce, you’re not going to stop teaching me, are you?” Samantha’s face fell, and Luce felt unexpectedly warm inside.
“Really, Rachel?” Catarina asked coldly. “I suppose there could be some kind of
psychological
benefit.” Catarina managed to say this in a tone that suggested Rachel wouldn’t need singing lessons if she weren’t half crazy, and Rachel’s face crumpled in i 151
humiliation. Dana was looking around at everyone, and from something sly in Dana’s face Luce knew she guessed all the hidden reasons Samantha and Catarina had for acting so unfriendly.
Luce appreciated again just how sensitive Dana was and how clever at figuring out people’s secret emotions.
“ Luce is a really good teacher, Cat,” Dana said levelly.
“Maybe it’s a talent of hers you haven’t had a chance to see before. But now you know, it would make sense to take advantage of it, right?” Catarina stared blankly into Dana’s warm, round eyes. Dana’s look was innocent, but Luce thought she could detect a trace of suppressed amusement. “Like, maybe Luce should start teaching
everybody,
right? That way you’d have a lot more help. Next time you decide to tackle a boat, I mean. Hasn’t it been long enough since the last one that we could try it soon?
Without making people pay too much attention?”
“I’ll think about it,” Catarina snapped, and then all of Luce’s happiness left her in a rush. She hadn’t let herself think it through, but Dana’s words forced her to recognize the truth. If she taught the other mermaids how to sing better, she’d just be helping Catarina kill more people. Once she finally discovered some new magic it might be different but now!
Luce turned away abruptly without even saying goodbye to Dana and Rachel and dove.
“What’s got into
her
now?” Samantha sneered behind her.
“I swear, Luce just gets more neurotic all the time.” There was
one
mermaid, Luce thought angrily, that she definitely wouldn’t help in improving her singing. She swam off fast, lashing the water with quick, circling strokes of her tail until she shot out of the tunnel and dashed off through the waves, not 152 i LOST VOICES
coming up until she was a mile out. She was too upset to pay attention to where she was going, and she almost knocked her head against something white and glossy. She felt a jolt of alarm at not being able to reach air before she realized what was in her way: just a boat. She could easily slip up around the side and breathe where no one on board would be able to see her. She skimmed along the curved white underside and came up in the waves that lapped against the shiny hull. Wind wrapped her face like a scarf of cold silk.
The boat wasn’t moving. Luce knew, of course, that the people on board had no way to know how dangerous it was to anchor here. How were they supposed to guess that a mermaids’
cave was just a few minutes’ swim away? Even so, Luce felt a stab of disdain; humans could be so careless, so
stupid
.
“Kitten?” a man’s voice said. It was so close that Luce jumped, but then she realized it was coming through the ship’s glossy side.
“Kitten, it’s really exciting to see all the wildlife here. I’m sure you’d enjoy yourself if you’d just try coming out on deck. Just for a teeny little while?” The voice was distorted by the ship, rever-berating strangely in Luce’s ears, but after a second she was sure she recognized it. It was the booming man she’d heard yelling at his cook. But now he was simpering, pleading . . .
Whoever he’d called kitten didn’t answer. Luce could hear a thump, probably someone throwing themselves face downward on a bed to sulk.
These were disgusting people, Luce thought. What did she care if Catarina killed them? Then she remembered the cook, the crew. She knew a man like that wouldn’t do any of the actual work on his own yacht.
i 153
She wanted to see more. But where could she hide out in the open ocean? She couldn’t allow any of these people to catch sight of her. She stared around and spotted a small motorboat that had been left tethered to the yacht at the end of a long rope. Luce dipped underwater and came up on the far side of the motorboat so she could peek up over its edge and watch while she decided what to do. She had the vague idea that she should somehow try to sneak a note to the crew, warning them to get away from here immediately. But it was a ridiculous plan, and she knew it. How could she possibly get her hands on a pen and paper?
A middle- aged woman with a white bandana tied over her head was standing out on the deck. A girl about Luce’s age in a dark blue hoodie and jeans was standing with her, her head tipped over while the woman carefully brushed her long brown hair. They were both giggling about something.
“So, okay, so you know how she never reads anything?” The girl was shaking with impish laughter as she told the story, and the woman smiled down at her with such tenderness that Luce almost choked from envy. “So I told her that in the Narnia books Peter turns out to be a vampire, and she actually believed me! And then I said he eats Lucy at the end of
Prince Caspian,
and she believed that, too, so I just kept on making up crazier stuff . . .” Even the woman was laughing now, though she kept trying to stifle her giggles and pretend to disapprove.
“Oh, Tessa! Can’t you be more careful? You know if she ever realizes you’ve been fooling her all this time she’ll probably get me fired? I don’t think she has much of a sense of humor, unless somebody hurts themselves . . . Now straighten up and I’ll do your braids.”
154 i LOST VOICES
“She’s not going to figure anything out!” Tessa said confidently. “I mean, she’d have actually to read the books to realize I was lying to her, right? Even in school she just pays other kids to do her work for her. And she actually brags about it!” Tessa went off into another peal of laughter. “I just pretend to be really impressed. Like I say, ‘Oh, I wish I were rich like
you
. . . Oh, wow, there was a pony at your birthday party? I’m so sad my mom is
only
a cook and not an idiotic, noisome, sadistic banker like your daddy!’ And she falls for it!”
“You don’t actually use those words, though, do you?” But Tessa’s mother was still beaming, stroking Tessa’s hair as she worked it into braids.
“Okay, I wouldn’t say
idiotic
. . .” Tessa admitted. “Even she probably knows what that is. She asked me what I meant, and I told her ‘sadistic’ meant he was incredibly smart at business, and
‘noisome’ meant, like, he has really, really good taste in clothes and stuff.” Her mother bent and kissed her on the cheek.
“You feral beast,” her mother said softly. “How am I supposed to finish my dissertation if I have to keep putting it aside to look for work? But honestly, that little sociopath is asking for it. Just try to be a touch more discreet from now on, all right?” Suddenly Luce couldn’t see them anymore. Instead she saw herself leaning on the railing, laughing so hard it hurt, while a dark- haired woman much younger and prettier than Tessa’s mother smiled beside her. A warm arm squeezed her shoulder, and Luce closed her eyes to feel soft fingers tousling her hair. Of course, Luce told herself, of course Alyssa Gray was every bit as playful and loving as the woman beaming at Tessa. Of course Alyssa had come back to lift her lost daughter out of the sea and i 155
hold her close . . . Luce was so distracted by the daydream that she didn’t realize, at first, that Tessa was talking again.
“Oh my God! Mom, there’s a girl out there!” Luce looked up from the gray jagged waves in shock and met Tessa’s hazel eyes. She had a long, straight nose, a funny crooked mouth, and her full cheeks were flushed from the wind. “Hey, you! Come over here, we’ll pull you up. You can hold on to the rope there . . .” Luce ducked under the motorboat. How could she have been so reckless?
“Tessa, where?”
“She was just holding the side of the boat out there. A girl with short dark hair. She didn’t seem scared or anything. She looked right at me and vanished. Mom, I swear . . .”
“Well . . .” The woman hesitated for only a second. “If there’s any chance you’re right, we have to get help right away. You say she was holding on to the boat back there? Oh, why did she have to let go? She must be delirious from hypothermia . . .” Luce heard the thumping as Tessa’s mother ran off down the deck, calling “Ethan? Ethan, Tess says she saw a girl in the water.” Luce knew she needed to get away, but for some reason she couldn’t explain she lingered where she was in the shadows under the small bobbing boat. Tessa didn’t go anywhere either.
“Hey. You can stop hiding, okay? I know you’re still out there.
Why don’t you come on board and hang out with me for a while?
You can borrow my clothes, and I’ll make you some cocoa.” Luce wished she could. They could talk about books, tell each other crazy stories. Luce felt convinced she and Tessa would be best friends if only it wasn’t against the timahk for them even to say hello.