• If you have failed to love her, do something loving.
• If you have failed to respect him, do something respectful.
• The best way to motivate her is by meeting her need for love.
• The best way to motivate him is by meeting his need for respect.
To communicate feelings or start discussion:
For wives:
Never say, “You are unloving.” Instead, say, “That felt unloving. Did I come across as disrespectful?” If he says yes, say, “I’m sorry for being disrespectful. Will you forgive me? How can I come across more respectfully?”
For husbands:
Never say, “You are disrespectful.” Instead, say, “That felt disrespectful. Did I come across as unloving?” If she says yes, say, “I’m sorry for being unloving. How can I come across more lovingly?”
Taboos:
• Never tell a wife she must earn your love in order for you to love her inner spirit created in God’s image.
• Never tell a husband he must earn your respect in order for you to respect his inner spirit created in God’s image.
• Never say, “I won’t love that woman until she starts respecting me.”
• Never say, “I won’t respect that man until he starts loving me.”
• Never say, “Nobody can love that woman!”
• Never say, “Nobody can respect that man!”
• Never blame your lack of love on her lack of respect. Your lack of love is disobedience to Ephesians 5:33a.
• Never blame your lack of respect on his lack of love. Your lack of respect is disobedience to Ephesians 5:33b.
Things to say to lighten up the relationship:
“We’re like two hamsters on the Crazy Cycle.”
“Are you trying to take a spin on the Crazy Cycle?”
“Are we trying for a new record on the Crazy Cycle?”
“I think your pink/blue sunglasses are fogging over.”
“Put on my pink/blue hearing aids and listen.”
“May I borrow your pink/blue hearing aids? I have no idea what you are trying to say.”
“You’re seeing this in pink; I see it in blue. Let’s agree to disagree.”
“You’re seeing this in blue; I see it in pink. Let’s agree to disagree.”
“We’ve been flipping the light switch for twenty minutes. Let’s try something else.”
“Pardon me, but you’re standing on my air hose!”
APPENDIX B
PERSONAL LOVE AND RESPECT INVENTORY
FOR HUSBANDS AND WIVES
“Yes” answers mean you need to pray for change and improvement.
“No” answers mean you are doing great. Thank God and keep it up!
“Perhaps” or “Maybe” answers mean you are aware of a need for change. Keep trying!
Regarding myself:
• As a wife, did I react disrespectfully because I felt unloved?
• As a husband, did I react unlovingly because I felt disrespected?
• As a wife, am I afraid to say, “That felt unloving. Did I come across disrespectfully?”
• As a husband, am I afraid to say, “That felt disrespectful. Did I come across unlovingly?”
• Do I refuse to say, “I’m sorry,” when my husband says, “That felt disrespectful”?
• Do I refuse to say, “I’m sorry,” when my wife says, “That felt unloving”?
• As a wife, am I too proud to make the first move and start being more respectful?
• As a husband, am I too proud to make the first move and start being more loving?
Regarding my spouse:
• As a wife, do I neglect to energize my husband by failing to meet his need to be respected?
• As a husband, do I neglect to energize my wife by failing to meet her need to be loved?
• Do I say, “No way am I going to respect him until he starts loving me”?
• Do I say, “No way am I going to love her until she starts respecting me”?
• When I feel unloved, am I quick to claim my husband is unloving?
• When I feel disrespected, am I quick to claim my wife is disrespectful?
Regarding God:
• As a wife, do you give little thought to God calling you to show unconditional respect, especially when your husband is unloving?
• As a husband, do you give little thought to God calling you to show unconditional love, especially when your wife is disrespectful?
• As a wife, do you justify your lack of respect and thus do not confess this sin to God?
• As a husband, do you justify your lack of love and thus do not confess this sin to God?
• As a wife, have you put off making a decision to show God you reverence Him by showing respect to your husband?
• As a husband, have you put off making a decision to show God you love Him by showing love to your wife?
APPENDIX C
HOW TO ASK YOUR MATE
TO MEET YOUR NEEDS
You cannot hope to get what you need—whether it be love or respect—by withholding what your spouse needs most. But while you are trying to meet your spouse’s needs, what happens during those moments when your needs are not being met? Must the Energizing Cycle sputter as the Crazy Cycle starts to turn? Must you remain mute, hoping your mate senses your deflating spirit and realizes exactly what is wrong? One of the basic skills I have been trying to teach husbands and wives in this book is how to communicate their needs to each other. Here are some “need communicators” husbands and wives can use to let each other know how they are feeling.
Wives can humbly and softly say:
C
loseness: “When you want to work in your shop all evening and not be with me, that feels unloving. You have a right to your hobbies, but I need some face-to-face time with you too.”
O
penness: “When you said you didn’t want to spend time talking about my concerns, that felt unloving to me. I know we don’t always have time to talk at length, but sometimes I need to feel reassured that everything is okay.”
U
nderstanding: “When you gave me a quick solution to what I was trying to tell you, that felt unloving. I know you were trying to be helpful, but I really need to feel your care and you can do that by just listening and understanding.”
P
eacemaking: “When you tell me to, ‘Drop it, let’s forget it, it’s over,’ that feels unloving. I know some things need forgetting, but first I need to know that you aren’t angry anymore and that we really are at peace.”
L
oyalty: “When you look at other women, that feels unloving to me. I know temptations are real, but I need to know you have eyes only for me.”
E
steem: “When you make negative comments about my mothering or homemaking, that feels unloving. I know I’m not perfect and that I fail, but I need to hear from you when I do a good job, and I need your encouragement even when I don’t.”
Husbands can humbly and softly say:
C
onquest: “When you make negative remarks about my work goals, that feels disrespectful. I struggle with balancing work and family, and I am not against our family or you.”
H
ierarchy: “When you suggest that I am irresponsible, that feels disrespectful. I admit I blow it at times, but overall I am a good provider and protector, and what you’re saying hurts.”
A
uthority: “When you make decisions regarding the children that exclude me, that feels disrespectful and I even feel insignificant. Please include me even in the day-to-day stuff whenever you can.”
I
nsight: “When you roll your eyes and say, ‘That’s really ridiculous,’ that feels disrespectful. I know you have intuition in many areas, but I have insight that can often help.”
R
elationship: “When you refused to go to the basketball game with me, that felt disrespectful. I know you cannot always go to events with me because of the kids, but I need you to be with me as my friend, and lately that’s lacking.”
S
exuality: “When you said you were just too tired to have sex, that felt disrespectful to me. I understand that you’re tired, but I hope you understand my need as well. It’s not that I’m just oversexed; I really need to hold you close.”
APPENDIX D
WHAT ABOUT EXCEPTIONS TO THE LOVE
AND RESPECT PATTERN?
At times I receive mail or personal inquiries at our conferences to the effect: “We don’t fit your description of husband and wife. She is the one who stonewalls, and he is the one who ‘lets it all hang out.’ ” My answer is that cultural and personal applications can vary. My parents were a good example. My father would come at my mother ranting and raving in anger—confronting her because he wanted to communicate. She simply shut down and withdrew. Then he would withdraw also, and there would be icy silence for many hours and sometimes days.
Both my parents wanted to connect with each other, but they could not out of ignorance or fear. Mom longed to connect with Dad (as every woman wants to connect with her husband), but she would pull back because she feared his anger. And Dad wanted to connect with Mom, but his feelings of being disrespected (she was the key breadwinner for many years) kept him in a state of frustration and anger. At the deepest core, however, my mother still was seeking love and my father was seeking respect.
We get other inquiries regarding “exceptions.” For example, a woman wrote to tell me that in certain aspects of personality her husband was more “pink” than “blue” and she was more “blue” than “pink.” She was reared in a home dominated by her father’s values: education, intelligence, strength, pride, and lack of emotions. She wrote: “Subsequently, as I became a woman, I thought that to be loved (the kind of love that would touch the core of my being), I had to seek recognition for all the things that came naturally to ‘blue’ instead of to ‘pink.’”
On the other hand, her husband was raised in a very warm, nurturing environment, full of unconditional love. “So naturally,” she continued, “[he] grew up with a HIGH regard for those very ‘pink’ tendencies that made him feel so complete and unconditionally loved.”
In short, this wife focused on “respect” in order to get love. Her husband focused on “love” in order to get respect. Until I helped them unpack their puzzle, she thought respect was her deepest value and he thought love was his deepest value. In truth, he was doing “the pink thing” to get respect, and she was doing “the blue thing” to be loved.
If you have further examples or questions regarding “exceptions” to my general thesis on the Love and Respect Connection, please feel free to contact me at www.loveandrespect.com, “ask emerson.”
APPENDIX E
WHAT IF YOUR HUSBAND
IS A WORKAHOLIC?
I have counseled many wives whose husbands are workaholics of one degree or another. First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. I do, however, offer three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way.
First, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? I know of a man who whistled and hummed on Monday mornings as he went joyfully to work. On Friday he did not whistle and hum as he came home for the weekend. When asked why, he said, “I have to be home over the weekend with my wife.” Now, it is quite possible that his wife did not cause him to work the long hours at first. But as the pattern went on, her loud and bitter complaints increased, and her negativity persuaded him to stay at work as long as possible. A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work.
Second, if a change is to happen, whining or contempt will not draw him home. You need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. (Don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession.) Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. This book is designed to help you find these areas and learn about how to express them. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.”
Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect
.
Third, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your son (daughter, children) needs you at home more. You have a unique influence on him. In certain areas, nobody matters to him as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold him. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give him that part of you that no one else can give to him. Thanks.”
After delivering your “we need you at home more” message, don’t repeat it for anywhere from ten to twenty days. Then mention it again, quietly and positively with the general tone of “just a positive reminder because of your importance.” Always choose your words carefully. Never even remotely imply that you are really saying, “If you don’t make a positive change, you idiot, you will destroy me and the children.”
Have confidence in God’s Word. Quietness shouts to a husband. A gentle spirit will bring out the gentleman in him. Respectful encouragement to your husband about his unique value to the family will have influence over time. Unemotional and positive appeals will have their effect on any good-willed man.
Having said all of the above, I know that this is not easy advice for many wives to heed. Women tend to want to respond to family concerns
now
. Men, however, will begin to make improvements over a season of time. Stay with a positive and short message, and eventually he will turn his ship around. Just remember, ships are not rowboats. Allow for time and the Holy Spirit to work. As hard as this is to hear, you will need to see this being a twelve-month project at the very least. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you).